//------------------------------// // Being Somber While Sober // Story: One Thousand Years Ago // by Opticlaudimix //------------------------------// "So I think like a week had passed before our next big misadventure, and during this time we were both getting really depressed and stuff since we had essentially just physically tortured our dad while mentally torturing ourselves," Celestia took a swig from her glass, smacking her lips a bit. On screen, the sisters were in a bathroom applying dark makeup over themselves, evidently going for a gothic appearance. They had also dyed their manes black to match their new look. Celestia groaned. "I still wonder what was even going through my head back then." "I wonder what's even going through your head right now," Cadence interjected." "Most likely neurons that constitute my current thoughts and mental state," Celestia replied. Luna poured more moonshine for the group. "Well if you ask me what the hay we were even thinking back then, I'd say that we missed Discord." She unceremoniously belched as she slammed down the bottle. "Like, really badly." Celestia began talking in monotone. "Ugh, I just imprisoned my dad for a millennium and now I have to take responsibility for the fact that it will never rain chocolate again for a really long time. Life sucks. Nothing matters anymore. Ugh." "The two of us in a nutshell back then. Heehee..." Luna imbibed more moonshine, starting to become a little tipsy. "So…let's uh, get on with the story now that we've explained the context of what's going on." After their morning routine of making sure they looked as depressed as possible, the two retreated to Celestia's room, lolling around on whatever they could lazily lean back against. The room was mostly plain white with some orange and yellow furniture laying about that represented the sun, an odd contrast to the moody atmosphere within. Luna raised her head off the floor. "Hey Tia?" "Yeah?" "What are we doing today?" "I dunno." "Are we gonna sit around and do nothing again?" "I guess." "Alright." Celestia looked over to her sister. "Did you have something in mind?" Luna flopped over on the floor. "I was wondering when we were going to confess to everypony what happened to Dad." Celestia sighed. "How are we even suppose to do that? They're already totally fine with anything, so why would we even want to tell them?" "Yeah, I guess." Luna turned away from Celestia. The two sat in silence again, occasionally adjusting their position or sighing in boredom. "Life stinks without Dad," Celestia mumbled. "You know, maybe we should actually go outside. Maybe we can find another place to wallow in despair." Celestia looked around. "Sure. These bright colors everywhere were starting to bother me anyways." "Why are we even in your room anyways if we're supposed to be brooding?" "Because until you get rid of all those posters with husky stallions looking extremely erotic, I'm not setting a hoof in there." Celestia got up and slowly lumbered towards the door. "Now come on, let's go out and do something." The sisters somehow found themselves in a bar and were well on their way to becoming incomprehensibly intoxicated again. Celestia took a swig from her mug. "Hey Lunaaaa. You know, like… how society is really, r-re… really stupid? Everypony's just so happy and they don't know anything about anything. They just go with the flowwww." "I know right? Is there any country right right now, like right now, that isn't successful and happy?" Luna asked. Celestia schrunched up her face. "Uhhhh, maybe the homo sapien's place? "Yeah, buuuut they're way toooo stupid to even know what stability or sense is." Luna's right eye began twitching as she drank more booze. Celestia slammed her mug on a counter. "Heyyyyy I knowwww. How come the Crystal Empire never like, made anyyyyy sense? It was always really stable even though they don't have stables. How are they even work? Like, how?" Luna flopped over on the same counter. "I don't bucking know nothing about anything about them and their crystal dicks or whatever… I don't even bucking… they had order in their society right? Celestia made a goofy grin. "I'm pretty sure they did… what a bunch of faggots. Heheh, hey how do they even buck? C-can you even call them… uh, faggots?" "You can call the stallions faggots. Faggot only applies… applies to, guys. Wait, if they have guys and girls I think that means they buck normally… I think. Yeah, I'm pretty sure, yeah." Luna began drooling on the counter, wearing a ridiculous expression. "That sounds like it would hurt. To buck, I mean. A-A..AAAACHO! Oops, I accidentally snorted some booze. Owww… " Celestia began to gingerly rub her muzzle. Luna held her mug to her muzzle, noticing that it was empty. "Ugh... I'm too lazy to refill this. Hey, can we go out somewhere? I'm a broad. Er, I mean I'm a bored. I'm bored." Celestia groaned. "I'm too lazy to get up." "Wait... why don't we just, we just, you know, teleport somewhere?" "Tell a whore's underwear? What?" Luna leaned over on her sister. "No you dumbwit! I said teleport to somewhere!" "Hey! Don't... don't yell in my fear. It doesn't fell good. Felt too good... huh?" "I'll yell in your fear as much as ah wannnnnnnt." Luna started drooling on Celestia's back. "… Okay." Celestia lit her horn as a bright flash enveloped the two. In the middle of the crystal empire, the stunning crystal heart floated within the central tower, radiating its loving energy and providing the crystal ponies with more than enough power to keep everything functional and everypony enthusiastic. The empire as a whole was huge, covering the majority of the entire northern territory while maintaining a loving atmosphere within. After all, living in a futuristic utopia with absolutely stunning skyscrapers and technology can literally brighten anypony's day. Unfortunately, this was the exact opposite of what Celestia and Luna wanted when they suddenly materialized right by the heart of the empire. Luna looked absolutely terrified. "OH DEAR LORD! EVERY EVERYTHING IS JUST SO BRIGHT! WHYYYYYYYY???" She began rolling around on the floor, covering her eyes before hurling onto the pristine crystal floor. "Ugh… I shouldn't have done that. Now my everything hurts and it hurts to look at everythinggg." Celestia looked at her sister quizzically. "Why does that hurt? I feel… like, I feel a lot better when I throw goop out of my face hole." "This place is just too darn damn shiny," Luna responded. "Wait what?" Celestia took a quick look around her. "Oh jeez… what in the name of creation is this???" "I unno since I dunno, buuuut we have to get rid of it! It's just so dumb!" Luna began to stand up, wobbling her legs. Celestia lit up her horn. "This place needs more dark colors and... stuff." Suddenly, Celestia's eyes glowed bright green, leaving behind purple misty trails. Somehow in her intoxicated state, she was able to funnel all her hatred and emo thoughts into her magic with the intent of spreading this energy all around her. Celestia's voice became much deeper, taking a demonic tone. "Arise darkness, take back the matter that the light has stolen, shade in the spectrum and make this land broken!" This magical chant might have looked cool if Celestia's mouth wasn't full of foam and slobber. Celestia's shadow began to stretch, reaching for anything with even the slightest shimmer; turning everything it touched into a dull color, then damaging all the intricate crystal mechanisms that powered all the fancy glowing towers everywhere. As buildings began to collapse and darken, the denizens of the crystal empire fled in absolute pandemonium as their bodies started shining less. As the shadows continued to spread, one of them eventually reached the crystal heart. Cracks began to spread as jagged crystals emerged and the color darkened all across its surface. Then the entire empire went dark.