//------------------------------//
// S1E21: Over A Barrel 
// Story: My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic 
// by swirlstar 
//------------------------------//


Season 1 Episode 21 - Over A Barrel



The Mayor's Office, Ponyville


The Agenda:
1. Reverse the Slide in Poll Numbers [ ]
2. LONG TERM - Win Election! [ ]


Gallop Poll: MAYOR MARE (EQA) 27% / LYRA HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 40% (±3%)


The insistent sound of drums, fifes and lockstep marching resonated throughout the damp morning air.


"On the left, on the right, and now we march;
To the North, to the South, and up Big Arch!
And fie! Tremble, our enemy;
They'll flee before our Grand Army!
At the front, at the back, the flag held high;
Yellow Sun, Silver Moon, Equestrian Sky;
And roar! One great charge they'll see;
They'll run before brave soldiers we!... "


The sounds of the militia faded as they headed out onto the Canterlot Trunk Road. Twilight Sparkle turned back from the window, her face betraying infinite concern. "The Princess can't have ordered this," she muttered under her breath. "This won't do anything but antagonize the Buffalo Nation further!"

Mayor Mare groaned in agreement, setting down her agenda onto the wooden desk. "I'm just following orders, Ms. Sparkle. Trust me: like I'd want voters to go missing for indefinite periods, right in the middle of election season."

The magical unicorn remained mired in her own musings.

The politician leant closer. "To be frank, Ms. Sparkle, the Princess is probably doing this because of the Manehattan Train Company. After all, the only goal of this nationwide levy is to defend the railroad."

"I guess so." Twilight Sparkle had read her fair share of political theory. She understood that even the omnipotent Princess had to operate within constraints, no matter how hard her altruistic mind reasoned against it.

"Anyway." Mayor Mare was keen to change the subject. "Ms. Sparkle, the object of our meeting today is to- "

"- help you with a survey; yes, Mayor," the magical unicorn finished the Mayor's sentence, but not without a tinge of uneasiness. "Applejack told me about it."

"Good!" the tan pony clapped her hooves together. "Since you're such a good scientist and everything, I'm asking you to help me gather information on the political stances of Ponyvillians. To better help co-ordinate my political campaign, you know. Which wards to concentrate on, what to say, all that."

"Political stances... " Twilight Sparkle mulled it over in her head. "Don't you already have Gallop for that?"

"Gallop's not precise enough, Twilight," the Mayor answered. "And I doubt Manehattan scholars, in their ivory towers, can even point to Ponyville on a map, much less give precise data regarding its citizens."

Suspicion nonetheless reared its head within the Princess' prize pupil. "You just want to get better numbers, don't you?"

"Ideally, yes. But for now, I need more information on Ponyville. Campaign needs."

The unicorn's eyes narrowed.

"Please, Ms. Sparkle," the Mayor finally played her trump card. "I did take a lot of flak due to Fluttershy's faux pas."

Twilight looked away in defeat. Not that she ever had much choice in the matter. "Oh all right, Mayor. Please give me the questions, and I'll ask the citizens for you."


*


Tenth Ward, Ponyville


The golden-maned pony standing at the doorway was not amused.

Mayor Mare cleared her throat, hoping that she would be third time lucky. "Hello there. I'm Mayor- "

"I can't believe you still have the guts to beg for votes around here, after what you let Fluttershy say on stage!" the constituent snarled. "My husband's a tailor, I'll have you know!"

Oh great. "I'm terribly sorry, I had no idea what- "

"I'm not going to vote for you! Get lost!" The door slammed in Mayor Mare's face.


*


The Mayor's Office, Ponyville


The Mayor came back from her lunch break in a mirthless funk.

"Ma'am, you still have plenty of time." Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon reassured the glum mare. "A ten-percent difference is not... insurmountable, I guess."

"Mmph." The Mayor was in no mood for motivation. "Even with the new survey, this just gets more and more hopeless... "

The gray stallion's ears pricked up at the mention. "New survey?" he repeated. "You mean the Gallop Poll?"

The tan mare shook her head sadly. "No, no. I'm asking Ms. Sparkle to conduct a detailed survey of Ponyville. You know, so we can concentrate resources. But it just seems so hopeless." Mayor Mare concluded with a depressed sigh.

Crimson Ribbon felt just the opposite. He crossed his forelegs. "Well, that's survey's part of your solution."

The bespectacled mare looked at her subordinate, frowning and incredulous. "Whatever are you talking about? I just told you, the survey won't help- "

"No no, Mayor," the bureaucrat cooed condescendingly. "That's because you're using your survey to find out what people think. A most preposterous notion."

The politician rubbed her uncomprehending temples. "Just get to the point, Mr. Ribbon."

"Ah, Ma'am, but this is a political matter- "

"You're fired, Mr. Ribbon. Now tell me what the solution is, and you can get your job back." Mayor Mare was used to this charade by now.

"Very well, Ma'am. Now, do you have your survey in hoof?"

The bespectacled mare handed over a piece of paper. 

The ex-Secretary for Administration tut-tutted as he examined the questions before him. "Oh Mayor, surely you want to be an opinion leader, not a follower."

Stop speaking in cryptic! "What do you mean, Mr. Ribbon?"

The gray stallion smiled in anticipation. "Let's go over these questions, shall we?"


*


1a. What is your opinion of the economy at present?
1b. Which candidate, do you think, will be better for the economy?

"So you see," Crimson Ribbon commented. "These questions don't help your cause. Ponies, being the optimistic creatures that they are, are bound to believe that Lyra can bring about better economic conditions. You're asking them to compare reality versus dreams."

"I guess so... "  Mayor Mare's heart beat just a little faster.

"Now," the ex-bureaucrat said, nibbling at the tip of his quill, "let's try and correct your questions." He scribbled a couple of thoughts on the margins.

1a. What do you think of current tax rates at present?
1b. What do you think of Lyra Heartstrings' proposal to raise the mean tax by 2%?
1c. What do you think of Mayor Mare's proposal to freeze tax rates?
1d. Which candidate, do you think, will be better for the economy?

The gray-maned mare scrutinized the changes in vain. "I don't see how this helps me gather information."

"It helps you a lot, Mayor," the bureaucrat replied. "Look. Firstly, we've re-defined 'the economy' in terms of tax rates. We've 'focused' the debate, so to speak. You can see how that helps."

"I guess," the Mayor said, still unclear as to where this was going.

The ex-Secretary for Administration continued. "Secondly, we've shown that Lyra Heartstrings has the 'worse' tax plan- "

"She's only raising taxes on the rich," the tan pony corrected the bureaucrat. "It's only worse for them."

"- which is why we are using mean tax rate, rather than median tax rate, Mayor. By showing the percentage of tax each pony pays on average, we disguise the distribution of the tax rise. It would take a sharp pony to realize that."

"Okay," the gray-maned pony could see that being a good thing, in another set of circumstances. "But how are these questions helping me understand what Ponyvillians want?"

Crimson Ribbon sighed in frustration, opting to move onto the next question. "Like I said, do you want to be an opinion follower, or an opinion leader?"


*


2a. What is your opinion on crime?
2b. Which candidate, do you think, will be better on crime?

"Again," the gray stallion pointed out, "these questions play straight into Lyra's hooves. I've yet to see a public who wants more crime, and I've yet to see a political candidate who doesn't promise to be tougher on crime."

"Well, Lyra's plans to extend police powers and simplify judicial procedures do seem reasonable," Mayor Mare admitted through gritted teeth.

"Are they?" the ex-bureaucrat smirked, quill in hoof. "It's all about the right questions, Mayor."

2a. What is your opinion on the importance of freedom?
2b. Do you think that we should preserve our current liberties and rights?
2c. Do you think we should be wary of government attempts to restrict our freedoms?
2d. What do you think of the proposal to extend police powers and eliminate judicial procedures?

Crimson Ribbon read the modified questions out loud. "See? What was once a strength now becomes a very serious liability."

"Well, I see how that can happen," Mayor Mare began. "After all, you'd almost be a foal to answer 'no' to any of those leading questions. But still I have to ask: what has this got to do with surveying?"

"Urgh!" The ex-Secretary for Administration slapped his hoof against his head. "It's obvious! Can't you see, Ma'am?"

The politician was nonplussed. "See what?"

The gray stallion let out another sigh of annoyance. "You just saw me change two survey questions, which then gave totally different answers compared with the originals. Surely you can see that surveying is, all too often, a pointless task."

"Oh... " the bespectacled mare let those words slowly sink into her brain. "Oh."

"Really, surveys are only good for changing opinion, not gauging it."

Mayor Mare understood. "So what I'm really doing here is hitting back at Lyra."

The ex-bureaucrat nodded in exasperation. "Finally. And with both Big Money and the Express conspiring against you, this has become the best way of getting your message across."

The tan mare adjusted her glasses, amazed that she hadn't thought of this before. "I see. On to the next question, then."


*


3. How do you rate Mayor Mare's tenure?
A. Good
B. Satisfactory
C. Average
D. Poor
E. Bad
F. No Opinion.

And with a few flicks of his quill, Crimson Ribbon showed his handiwork to his ex-boss.

3. How do you rate Mayor Mare's tenure?
A. Average and Above.
B. Below Average.
C. Bad.
D. Extremely Bad.
E. No Opinion.

Mayor Mare glared back at her ex-subordinate. "You really think my tenure was that bad?"

"But no, Ma'am." Crimson Ribbon shook his head deliberately. "I'm trying to save you."

The tan pony remained unconvinced. "How does giving three choices for 'bad' save me?"

Oh Mayor," the ex-bureaucrat grinned. "Firstly, this poll now looks like something done by Lyra - removing suspicion from you. Secondly- "

"Ah, I get it." The bespectacled mare, after another perusal, was enlightened.

Best make sure. "Secondly, by breaking the anti-Mayor camp into three choices, you get to demonstrate your relative popularity with cold hard facts."

The gray-maned pony couldn't help but smile herself. "What an interesting use for a survey."


*


"No survey is complete without some ad-equum attack, methinks," Crimson Ribbon remarked, as he as he considered what to write for the final question.

"Something like 'What do you think of Lyra Heartstrings trying to bankrupt Ponyville?'" Mayor Mare suggested.

The bureaucrat shook his head immediately. "It's so obviously a hatchet job. Plus, we're eventually going to get questioned and burnt by that sort of rumor - I'm sure you'd like to keep the details of our near-bankruptcy secret. No, we need a stealth rumor which, should Lyra deny it, would only strengthen its believability... ah. Let's try this... " Quill danced across the paper.

4a. What is your opinion of Lyra Heartstrings?
4b. Will your opinion of Lyra Heartstrings change, if you knew that she has been holding secret meetings with the Buffalo Nation?

The tan mare's lips curled upwards in a cruel smile. "Taking advantage of our nascent patriotism. Smart."

"What's more," the bureaucrat added. "This fits the public's conception of what politicians are like: you know, backroom deals and all that. And, of course, this isn't something which any politician can admit to. So denying it just adds fuel to the fire."

The gray-maned pony sniggered. "I have no idea where the public gets that conception from."

"Neither do I, Ma'am. Neither do I."

Now the two ponies drew back and reviewed their handiwork. The remnants of Mayor Mare's glumness vanished as she re-read the revised questionnaire. In its place was a face that displayed nothing but pure satisfaction.

"I think we have a good survey here," Crimson Ribbon concluded their thoughts on the matter. "As far as your campaign is concerned."

"Indeed," the politician nodded. "You know, Mr. Ribbon, I think you're the stallion I want for the position of Secretary for Administration... "


*


The Library, Ponyville


Twilight Sparkle examined the questionnaire, the furrows on her forehead deepening by the second. "Are you sure these are the questions you want me to survey, Mayor?"

"What's wrong with them?" Mayor Mare enquired innocently.

The magical unicorn tried to put a hoof on her unease. "Well... it's just that these are... strange questions to ask; I mean, look at 2a!" She jabbed at the piece of paper. "Your opinion on the importance of freedom? How are you supposed to get any meaningful data from that?"

"I've been advised of its utility," the politician lied through her teeth.

The purple pony drew back, bewildered. "Well, what about 3? Why would you want to know how many ponies hate you?"

"Avoiding places during canvassing," came the curt response.

Lavender eyes moved down the paper. "Hmm... well, 4 is unexpected: you mean Lyra's been meeting with the Buffalo Nation? The same Buffalo Nation whom we're defending the railroad against?"

"There have been rumors to that effect," Mayor Mare kept her statement fuzzy.

"Wow... " Twilight blinked, seemingly unable to accept these revelations. "Well, it's good that she's talking. Could help the militia, I guess. But still, it sounds like political suicide. Lyra couldn't be that foalish."

The bespectacled mare grinned. "Well, if it's not true, she can deny it."