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// I Cannot Sleep 
// Story: Confide 
// by Leoshi 
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My dearest Twilight Sparkle,

I pray you will forgive the suddenness of this letter. Sleep and calm have eluded me for the last several days, in no small part due to the nature of upcoming events. As you are no doubt aware, the annual Summer Sun Celebration will be upon us soon, and this year, like countless others, has prompted an undesired surge of memories better left forgotten.

I feel as though I might burst. Please, allow me some of your time so that I may confide in you.

In all the years you have spent under my guidance, I have given you pieces of my own history in order to strengthen your own resolve, normally in response to times of crisis. However, I’ve been careful to provide only the basest of facts needed to stir you and your friends into action. It seems rather manipulative of me in hindsight; please understand my intentions were pure. My point is that I have never connected all those base facts to one another, filling in the blanks left in between their occurrences.

Looking back now, it rather seems as though you’ve gone through my failures from present to past. You discovered your greatest assets during the Night Eternal not long ago, and then later you overcame Discord. Then came the return of the Crystal Empire and the malicious King Sombra. All events that I have personally involved myself in ending, you’ve involved yourself in a reverse sequence.

As you know, Equestria as a kingdom has equal ground with the Crystal Empire. But over the centuries, the Empire has deferred to the authority here in Canterlot in matters of all kinds. This, of course, applies mainly for the rule of my niece and your brother. However, the same was true when the Empire was overtaken by King Sombra - he, too, was granted reign by a power higher than his own.

Sombra was allowed total control over the Crystal Empire by Discord, who saw it as a wonderful convenience and nothing more. Discord, by extension, spread his gleeful chaos across the remainder of Equestria. And when they fell to the might of Harmony, Nightmare Moon arose and put both of their efforts to shame by enacting the Eternal Night.

I cannot begin to transcribe the details here, so let me be as brief as I can.

King Sombra was our very first adversary. Luna and I had been a part of the struggles of the Crystal Empire for a long time before we finally stood up against him. His strength and attitude was very straightforward, as you probably experienced when he returned some time ago. With the aid of the local crystal ponies, Luna and I were able to discover the origin of the Elements of Harmony.

Ah, I apologize. I’ve never told you the birthplace of the Elements was the Crystal Empire, have I? Perhaps I’ll tell you that adventure in great detail some other time.

Sombra fell to our enhanced power, and his heart was so far beyond the grasp of Harmony that his entire form shifted into shadow. Using the strength granted us, Luna and I ventured forth to Discord’s lair, using the same power on him. And while Sombra was so disconnected from the world that he become not of it, Discord’s very spirit was to the world, and so became encased in stone. These feats you already know.

With Discord’s influence hidden from the world, but not cleansed, Luna and I assumed responsibility of Equestria. We had always known it to be our destiny, but again, that’s a story for another time. Needless to say, after years of ruling Equestria in an unsteady peace, Luna’s jealousy of my sun malformed her into the Nightmare Moon you faced.

But still, you probably only know that I attempted to reason with my sister, and not Discord or King Sombra. I can tell you that I most certainly did, and I most certainly failed.

You are no doubt wondering why I am telling you all of this. Why you, why now, and why in this letter rather than face-to-face. The answer isn’t simple to merely explain, but I hope you will understand it nonetheless.

You see, Twilight Sparkle...I am nervous. I’ve stepped very carefully as your mentor over the years, cautiously guiding you down the path I knew was meant for you. And the troubling fact that I cannot dismiss is that you are not the first pony I have tried to guide.

I pleaded with my sister to lower the moon, but the nature of my gift blinded her. I failed her.

I reasoned with Discord to change his ways, but lacked the insight needed to sway his view. I failed him.

And Sombra...dear Twilight, have you ever wondered what Sombra was like, before he became a tyrant? He was much like you - talented, resourceful, respected. He went by a different name when he understood peace, and his works are still felt and used today. In fact, legions of his scrolls and volumes of his work are kept in a secure wing of the archives here in Canterlot. 

You see, before he was King Sombra, tyrant ruler of the Crystal Empire...he was Starswirl the Bearded, greatest spellwright in the history of Equestria. His understanding of magic as a tangible force went far beyond that of any of his peers. He succeeded them all in knowledge and power, and in doing so, alienated himself from the peace into which he was born. In fact, it was his efforts that gave the Crystal Empire the innate magic it now wields, which can be spread to all corners of Equestria. He had a personal influence on the city’s power.

Starswirl craved knowledge and power, and at first I encouraged him. His thirst for knowledge was not unlike your own. However, I ignored the warning signs that come up later on. He began to work diligently on extremely complex spells. He skipped meals. Several times, I caught him working with arcane lines, and so focused was he on his goal that he was using his own body as a canvas for lines, owing to the lack of space in his quarters. Yet I ignored these disturbing changes in him, fooling myself into trusting his judgement. I reasoned that his work had brought about the happiness and prosperity of the crystal ponies, so whatever work he had must have been noble.

Nopony but Luna and I know who he really was. I’m telling you this, Twilight, because I failed him too. Just as I failed Discord and Luna after him. Just as I am terrified I may fail you, as well.

My experiences make me a wise ruler; I do not doubt this. But it is these same experiences that keep me up at night. They cause me to react harshly to the smallest threats. They glorify my view of my own status, and give me excuses to overlook more warning signs. If anything, I am worse an individual now than I was centuries ago. I am a wonderful ruler, but a horrible pony.

Every year, as the Summer Sun Celebration graces us, I feel these awful memories surge forth like waves made of hornets. The Celebration was birthed upon Equestria’s liberation from Discord, a reminder that my efforts were better than others. Ponies all over the world celebrate the virtues of harmony, yet the parties fall deaf in my ears and my mouth goes stony at the food.

When I stood against the enemies of pony kind, I was so assured that what I was doing was the right thing. Over the years, however, I’ve come to doubt that. And that doubt has turned to regret, and now it comes as fear.

But I do not need anything from you in response to this confession. In fact, I feel a little calmer, having written down the demons of my past for another to share. I do not ask for you to offer advice on friendship to help settle my nerves. I do not ask that you come to my side and offer an ear for further confessions - and believe me, there are many to be heard. Unlocking those secrets, however, is not a burden I wish to place upon you. It’s bad enough that you have read this letter at all.

All I ask, Twilight Sparkle, is that you understand. For over a thousand years, the story of my life has been segmented and fed in pieces to those who could actually make a difference. I have told you base facts about my adventures, because I knew that you could provide a solution - a cure to the problems that I could only soothe.

I ask that you understand why I’ve told you this. My story is long and involved, and extremely distressing to those who have had a small part in it. You’ve been a big part of my eternal life these recent years, and I feel like I can trust you with this. But I fear that I am trusting you in the same way I trusted Starswirl or Luna.

So please, Twilight, my student, my successor...my friend. Please understand that if you feel the need to push yourself harder, I wish to be involved. Please understand that darkness and evil can seep into the most beloved of peers, and that not even kin is safe when the will is strong enough. Please understand that I respect your knowledge and skill, yet fear the potential you wield. Please understand these fears, which I have felt far too many times in my life.

Above all, please understand that my story needed to be told, if only these small chapters of it.

Yours,
Princess Celestia, Diarch of Equestria