//------------------------------// // S1E19: A Dog and Pony Show // Story: My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic // by swirlstar //------------------------------// Season 1 Episode 19 - A Dog and Pony Show The Mayor's Office, Ponyville The Agenda: 1. Negotiations with the Diamond Dogs [ ] 2. Meeting with the Princess Celestia [ ] 3. LONG TERM - Win Election! [ ] Gallop Poll: MAYOR MARE (EQA) 24% / LYRA HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 19% (±3%) "As you can see," Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon jabbed a hoof at the bottom of the agenda. "I've taken the liberty of adding in poll numbers for your perusal. Now, I do feel obliged to remind you, once again, that these numbers should not form the basis of your political judgment, especially during election season." "Oh, right. Sure." Mayor Mare made dismissive gestures with her hoof. "In that case, let's begin with- " The oak door opened without warning. A security guard then barged in, defying all established norms and protocols. "Mayor!" he announced. "Now what's this?" the politician adjusted her eyeglasses in irritation. "Didn't Mr. Force teach you to knock before- " "Mayor! The Princess Celestia!" the uniformed stallion stepped to one side. On cue, the Mayor and her subordinate quickly dashed to the doorway, straightening out in rapt attention. A herald proclaimed the arrival of royalty. "Fillies and gentlecolts! Stand to attention for the Most Royal Princess Celestia- " "That will be enough, Ad Res. Thank you." The awe-inspiring figure of the alicorn emerged from the corridor. Everypony in the room prostrated themselves before their ruler. "Hail the Princess!" "Arise, all." The alicorn commanded. "Now I will be but a while, Mayor. Let us discuss matters in private." The Mayor signaled for the other ponies to leave the room, the doors swinging shut behind them. The Mayor hurried back to her desk and retrieved the teapot she had saved for herself. "Tea, Your Highness?" The celestial ruler had settled herself in an armchair. "I'm fine, thank you. Now as I said, this is going to be a short meeting - there are some pressing issues that I have to deal with in Canterlot. And let me also take the opportunity to wish you the best of luck in the upcoming election." "Thank you, Your Highness." The tan mare gave a bow, retreating to the couch opposite the sovereign. The ruler of Equestria wasted little time. "So, I have heard that Ms. Rarity has been kidnapped by members of the Diamond Dog Nation." The Princess sure gets news fast. "Yes, Your Highness," the gray-maned pony nodded. "We were just about to send a top-level mission to the High Chief for negotiations." "Good. It will be an easy task," the Princess gazed out of the window. "They do have that impending Supreme Court ruling for motivation. Personally, I'm certain that it's only an unruly faction that's gotten out of hand." "Of course, Your Highness." "But that's not really what I'm here for," the royal eyes shifted their gaze back onto her subject. "Mayor Mare, how close is this election going to be?" "Um... I'm sure I'll manage, Your Highness." The bespectacled mare replied cautiously, not wishing to be a burden - or, more critically, be burdened. "Good," Princess Celestia murmured. "Mayor, I shall ask you not to take any credit for this rescue." The politician frowned, flicking her ears. "Not take any credit?" she repeated, hoping she had heard wrong. "Yes." The Defender of the Sun and Moon crushed her hopes. "I want Ms. Sparkle to learn something about pony character, from this little incident. This is important, I assure you." Argh! These ponies! "Well of course, Your Highness," Mayor Mare had no choice but to display a pained grin. "We will obey your orders to the letter." The mission complete, Princess Celestia shuffled out of her chair, content. "Thank you for co-operating, Mayor. I will reward you - and Ponyville - at a suitable juncture." * High Chief Rex's Doghouse, Appaloosan Caverns "As you know, the Diamond Dog Nation is quite populous and covers a lot of territory," High Chief Rex, clad in gilded, jeweled robes - rather garish, Crimson Ribbon thought - tried to explain himself to the Equestrian delegate. "It is almost inevitable that individual groups - such as the one led by Chief Rover - will do things which are simply not within our power to control." "True, perhaps," the gray stallion conceded, putting a handkerchief to his nose in an attempt to dispel the infernal stink. "But all the same, if the Diamond Dog Nation cannot control its own, then this hardly helps your case before the Supreme Court. You know the prosecution's main argument for deportation rests on this one fact: that your tribesdogs present a clear and unambiguous threat to pony life and property." The High Chief's ears twitched, interpreting the bureaucrat's words as a grave affront to his species' dignity. "Let me remind you, Mr. Ribbon," he asserted gruffly, "that the Diamond Dog Nation has been living in these lands long before the first ponies arrived. Furthermore, this Ms. Rarity had clearly trespassed into our traditional digging grounds. We have the right- " "Equestria does not view the claims of the Diamond Dog Nation as legal right," the gray stallion stressed, making sure his heavily-armed bodyguards remained beside him. They were. He decided to escalate. "Your Nation is here on sufferance of the Princess Celestia. Now you can release Ms. Rarity and pay adequate compensation, or you can continue talking about 'past injustices' and end up like the Dodo Nation." The name was unfamiliar. "Who?" the High Chief enquired. "Exactly," the gray stallion menaced. A tense silence. "Now, I will admit that Ms. Rarity is at fault here," Now it was time for the sweeteners. "And she will get a very stern warning back in Ponyville. But you should also consider the Equestrian position. You enjoy an unprecedented amount of autonomy over a huge swath of land - land, I will remind you, that many ponies are desperate to move into. We fend off, literally, hundreds of cases brought on by gem prospectors every year - this Supreme Court case being the latest one. The pressure on the Princess to revoke our Treaty of Friendship is immense. I just ask that you be mindful of political realities." Another tense silence. High Chief Rex exhaled helplessly. Of course the outcome was never in doubt. "Mr. Ribbon, I shall command Chief Rover, under no uncertain terms, to release Ms. Rarity at once, and if she has performed any hard labor, to return the fruits of said labor back to her. Will this be sufficient?" The bureaucrat considered the proposition. "Yes, it will be," he nodded. "Good. In that case, will you accompany me to Chief Rover's cave and escort Ms. Rarity out of here?" The gray stallion was not so overwhelmed by success as to forget his mission. "I believe there is another pony mission that is coming for her," he mentioned. "You can order Chief Rover to deliver Ms. Rarity to them." * The Cabinet Room, Ponyville "Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Rarity Talks About Her Capture! Extra! Extra! Ponyville Mayor Didn't Do Anything! Extra! Extra!..." "Close that darned window," Mayor Mare slammed a copy of the Ponyville Express onto the table. Security Chief Delta Force slithered over and slammed the shutters shut. "This is why we needed Filthy Rich's money," she glared at Crimson Ribbon. "Now the Express is waging all-out war against me: just look at this paragraph! 'When asked by our reporter as to how Ponyville can punish this unprovoked aggression, the Mayor blithely replied that treaty obligations with the Diamond Dogs prevent her from taking any action. As if 'treaty obligations' stopped the Diamond Dogs from attacking us!'" "It was the right answer for Equestria," the gray stallion, unmoved, answered. "We can't be a country that just breaks treaties whenever the masses demand it." "To Tartaros with the good of Equestria!" the Mayor chucked the newspaper aside, the broadsheet disintegrating into numerous fluttering pieces. "It won't do me any good!" "Well, the Foal Free Press supported you," Finance Secretary Bit Coin suggested. "Yes, but nopony reads the Foal Free Press," the tan mare rolled her eyes. "Even Cheerilee admits it." "I'm sure this will just be a temporary thing," Delta Force began. "Ponies will get bored of this- " "Ponies are panic-buying spears and armor, Delta," the Finance Secretary pointed out. "They really think the Diamond Dogs are out to get them." "And I bet you that the Express isn't going to let this go anytime soon!" the tan mare collapsed into her chair. "I can just see it now," she moaned, forelegs stretched out in an imitation of an advert. "'When the Diamond Dogs attacked Ponyville, what did Mayor Mare do? She did nothing to save our citizen in distress, instead relying on our local rescue team. Well, that's Mayor Mare for you. Can't look out for Ponyville. Won't look out for you.'" "Ma'am." As usual, the gray stallion's mind was busy with the answer. "I believe this little fracas has risen beyond a... purely political level. We can't have ponies thinking that the government hasn't done anything for them. Some damage control is required." "Darn right we need damage control," the Mayor growled. "But before you say it, I'm not about to have the royal anger descend upon me as well. You better not be telling me to spill the beans." "Ma'am," the bureaucrat felt a little lecture coming on. "Two main ways of directing information. One is to control the message; the other, to control the messenger... " * The 'Duke of Mane' Restaurant, Ponyville "Off the record, Mayor," Musk Raker, the editor of the Ponyville Express, confided to the tan pony over dinner. "Of course Mr. Rich told us to focus on the Diamond Dogs business. I mean, you must know the reason behind him just buying this paper all of a sudden... " "Course," Mayor Mare answered mirthlessly. "...but then again," Musk Raker tried to alleviate her guilt. "This is a valid story, and your performance here has been sub-par." The politician tried the easy way first. "Look, Musk, we pulled Ms. Rarity out from the Diamond Dogs. Celestia told us to give the credit to Twilight and her friends." The bay unicorn suppressed a laugh. She was way too experienced for this amateurish explanation. "How convenient, Mayor." "It's the truth, by Celestia!" the tan mare hissed fiercely. "I swear!" "Look, Mayor." The editor put down her fork. "Firstly, you know I can't put that kind of story on the front page. Secondly, I only have your word for it. I mean, do you have any evidence? I could try and slot in a little disclaimer, I guess." "You can ask Mr. Ribbon," the gray-maned mare started hopefully. Musk Raker snorted. "Right. A member of your own government. Do you have anypony else; anything else?" The tan mare slouched to one side in annoyance. "Look, it's meant to be confidential!" "No evidence, no story." The journalist shrugged. "I may not have a ton of integrity now, but even I won't sink that low." Great. "So you won't put my side of the story." "No." "Not even as a speculation in the opinion pages." "No." "Please." "No." Mayor Mare let out a long, deep breath. Plan B then. "Ms. Raker, if you're not going to publish my side of the story, you're not publishing any story regarding the Diamond Dogs." "Oh?" the bay pony mocked, raising her eyebrow in faux curiosity. "And how are you going to do that?" The Mayor was still reluctant to play her ace. "I'm giving you one last chance to get out of this unscathed, Musk." The editor remained defiant. Who - besides Mr. Rich - can order me around like this? "Bite me, Mayor," she sneered. "Fine." The tan pony sharpened her killer instinct. "If you release anything related to the Diamond Dogs in future papers, this government will charge you, and the Ponyville Express, under the Treason Act. You know what it means." The bay pony remained defiant. "Nopony would vote for a dictatorial control freak." "Perhaps. But one thing's for sure. I'll tell them why I acted like so. And they'll realize that firstly, you've been lying; secondly, you've been trying to spread discord between dogs and ponies; and thirdly, that you've been telling the government to break a treaty signed by Princess Celestia herself. Last two points are definitely treason material." Musk Raker took this all in, her face growing increasingly concerned by the minute. "Come on," Mayor Mare teased. "You're working for Filthy Rich. What happened? And here I thought you were the reporter who uncovered the huge Clouds-for-Arms scandal... " "Urgh!" the editor tried to flush those triumphant memories from her system. "Alright, alright. I see your point. But I still need something for tomorrow." "Well, let's see... " the tan pony looked at the scrumptious bowl of salad in front of her. "How about 'Ponyville Mayor has Really Bad Table Manners'?"