//------------------------------// // Would y'all be mad if I replaced every instance of the word "the" with the word "pony"? // Story: Destination: Thataway! // by Hawattie //------------------------------// The inside of the tower was surprisingly spacious and well-decorated. I'd expect a supposedly evil tower to be more... I dunno, gloomy or something. But no, instead Unique and I found ourselves in a marvelous entryway the likes of which you'd see in Canterlot Castle. Wait, how do I know what Canterlot Castle looks like? I don't remember anything from before I was, for lack of better word, "born" a few days ago. It couldn't possibly be that picture of Canterlot Castle hanging in the room Fphant and I stayed in at the inn, could it? No, more likely it was some psychic message from the foal mafia. Yeah, that's gotta be it. Silly foal mafia... Come to think of it, there've been a lot of strange things happening lately. The weird doctor pony, the suspicious bush by the blue box, the slowly-falling bricks... I bet they're all the work of the foal mafia! You hear that foal mafia, I'm on to you! I would've shaken my hoof at the sky, but Unique would think I was crazy. We wouldn't want that, now would we? An evil-sounding laugh suddenly filled the room. I bet it's the foal mafia! "Welcome to my lair," said an equally evil-sounding voice. Huh, that voice sounds too old to belong to the foal mafia. Suppose that rules out one possibility. I can only think of one pony, other than the foal mafia, that the voice could belong to, but it's smart to never assume things like this. "You the sorceress?" I asked. "Yeah," the voice was filled with annoyance and some other unidentifiable something, "who else would it be? The foal mafia?" My eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. "You know about the foal mafia too!?" I shouted in disbelief. "Quick! We gotta come up with a plan before they take over the world!" A resounding silence filled the room. ... Why is Unique looking at me like that? It's not like I said anything stupid... right? ... Unique leaned up close to me and spoke in a conspiratorial whisper. "You know she was being sarcastic, right?" I blinked. Sarcasm? Is that what that unidentifiable something I detected in the sorceress's voice earlier was? I opened my mouth to come up with a witty retort but all that came out was, "Huh." "He's not the sharpest tool in the shed," the sorceress said, "is he?" I thoughtfully looked at Unique for a moment. "No," I replied, "no he's not." Funny, it looked like Unique was about to say something. Aaaand now he facehoofs. "She wasn't talking to you," he said. "Well that clears that up," the sorceress declared. "Now why have you intruded upon my domain? Didn't you read the signs?" "Signs?" I blurted out, "What signs?" The sound of a facehoof could be clearly heard ringing throughout the room. Why do ponies always do that around me? It's rude. "You know, the 'keep out', 'no trespassing' and 'beware of dog' signs I posted all around my tower?" "Oh, you meant those signs! I thought you were talking symbolically, like random bolts of lightning, pigeons flying south early and all that stuff." The sorceress groaned. Now why would she groan like that? If she didn't want to cause confusion then she should have clarified. "Now there was this really odd stallion, called himself 'Doctor', -wait, he didn't call himself 'Doctor', the mare hiding in that bush did- who tried to warn us about something, and there was that strange brick, but I didn't see any symbolic signs of any sort telling us to keep out." See how I clarified there? That's the smart thing to do. "You really should invest in a symbolic sign or two if you don't want intruders." "That's what the dogs are for," the sorceress deadpanned. "Touche." "Are you quite done rambling yet?" I nodded, and apparently she could see us since she continued talking. "Good, now I want you to tell me why you're here." "Oh, well," I shuffled my hooves awkwardly, did she seriously not have this conversation with somepony yet? "when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much-" "ENOUGH RAMBLING!" Ooh, she mad. "Why are you inside my tower's entrance hall at this very moment talking to me!?" "You really should clarify what you mean," I admonished. Seriously, half of what this sorceress says confuses me! "Unique, Fphant and I came here to- hey... where's Fphant?" "He's still outside with the dogs," Unique supplied. "Hope he gets eaten," the sorceress grumbled. I cleared my throat and gave a glare to the ceiling. It's rude to say things like that. "Like I was saying, Unique, Fphant and I came here to find out what happened to the Justice Ponies." "The who?" "No, not The Who, though they did make some pretty good music, the Justice Ponies." Seriously, how did she confuse those two? They don't even sound similar! "Who are these 'Justice Ponies'?" the sorceress deadpanned. "The Justice Ponies are..." I suddenly realize I have no idea who we're actually looking for, I only have the name of their group. "Unique, who're the Justice Ponies?" "A group of six ponies with delusions of grandeur." That was a marvelous description if I do say so myself. And not vague in the slightest. "Yeah, what he said!" "You're looking for that silly little troupe that came by here about two months ago talking about evictions and blaspheme?" "Sounds like them," Unique confirmed, "do you know what happened to them?" "I killed them and ate their livers," the sorceress deadpanned. "Really?" Unique sounded disgusted. I was too busy not paying attention to know why. "No, of course not!" the sorceress scoffed, "That's barbaric! They took one look at my dogs and ran for the hills." 'tap, tap, tap,' That's the sound Unique's hoof made when it tapped his chin thoughtfully. "They probably didn't come back to town to avoid ridicule." "Well," Fphantom chirped. When'd he get here? Last I checked he was still fighting the dogs. "Mystery solved. Let's head back!" We started for the door. "And just where do you think you're going?" the sorceress asked. "Uh, out?" "Nu-uh," I could imagine some angry mare in a pointy hat shaking her head, "Not after you beat up my dogs and blow up my door you're not!" Fphant beat up those gigantic dogs? Cool! I have OP friends! "How you even managed to cause that explosion is beyond me..." I shrugged, you got me there, sister. "But you still did it! And for that you must be punished! "Now, you will all suffer for eternity, (give or take a few thousand years)! Tremble before the might of the... pause for dramatic effect Pit of Despair!" The evil-sounding laughter which greeted us filled the room again. "And where is this Pit of Despair?" Fphant asked, "All I see is a tacky entrance hall." "Oh, it's not far," a giant purple arrow appeared in front of us, pointing straight down into the ground. Oh hey, since when did the floor slide out like that? I wonder where the giant black hole opening up leads to. "Just about seven miles thataway!"