My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S1E6: Boast Busters

The Agenda:
1. Crisis Management [ ]
A) Apportioning Blame [ ]
2. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"Thank you, Mr. Ribbon," Mayor Mare said, briefly glancing at the piece of paper. "Now, if you will excuse me - sorry, Carrot Top... I indeed am sorry that you had to suffer such distress... We will do everything to soothe your pain. Actually... "

The tan pony climbed on top of the wreckage of Trixie's caravan. "Ponyvillians! I feel your pain! And now, I promise to you all - Ponyville promises to you all - we will seek out the pony responsible- "

"What are you talking about?" Lyra Heartstrings' annoying little voice rang out from the crowd. "Don't you already know who's responsible for bringing the Ursa into town? Or is the Mayor of Ponyville this badly informed?"

"I... " Mayor Mare said, suddenly cognizant of the thousands of suspicious faces looking her way. "Ah... " Darn you, Lyra!

"I guess," Twilight Sparkle trotted up next to the Mayor, "what the Mayor wants to say is that Snips and Snails may not be the only party involved in this. They just need a bit of time to gather further evidence!"

"Ohhh..." the ponies below nodded, satisfied with the unicorn's answer. Lyra Heartstring's face sank into a sulk, her plans thus thwarted.

"Ponyville will bounce back from this!" Mayor Mare said, waving at the dispersing crowd. "Thank you, Ms. Sparkle," she whispered to Ponyville's savior.

"My pleasure," Twilight was also waving at the crowd. "please don't be too hard on Fluttershy for sleeping in and not noticing the Ursa. She really likes being a Ranger."

"You have my word."

"... and so, I told Snips and Snails to go clear up the caravan, and then- " Twilight was giving a description of the night's events.

"Ah. Mayor? Can I...?" Crimson Ribbon began.

"Not now, Mr. Ribbon!" Mayor Mare hissed.

"- I gave them both mustaches as a punishment!" the bookish mare giggled at the thought. "Oh, anyway, I know you two have much to discuss, so I won't bother you any longer! Good night, Mayor!"

"Good night, Ms. Sparkle!" Mayor Mare waved. "She's a good little filly, isn't she, Crimson?" the tan pony remarked.

"Perhaps. But she has put you in a very difficult position." Crimson Ribbon responded.

"Oh, if only my Cheerie was like... what?" the Mayor asked.

"Let me elaborate," the bureaucrat said, setting off for Town Hall in a trot. "You understand that the most important role of the government is the one that dispenses righteous justice."

Mayor Mare nodded, not sure where this was going.

"If you had read The Constitutional Codex that I had so thoughtfully given you," the Secretary for Administration admonished, "you would have realized that the only people who are authorized to dispense public justice are: firstly, those who receive public monies for doing so, and secondly, the honored class of ponies that we call, rather straightforwardly, 'Honored Pony'."

"Oh." The tan pony was now more sure.

"Ms. Sparkle is neither. And yet she saw fit to charge and punish Mr. Snips and Mr. Snails. This is not constitutional."

Mayor Mare thought for a while. "I mean, ponies will surely understand that since Twilight Sparkle saved us from the Ursa, that it's not so bad for her to set the punishment for the two ponies?"

The gray stallion sighed. Why are elected officials always so foalish? "Mayor Mare, the public is not who I'm concerned about here. Think about this. Say Pony C saves Pony B from Pony A. Should this give Pony C the right to levy whatever punishment he desires on Pony A?"

"Surely not. Our laws guarantee - most of the time, anyway - a just punishment to fit the crime."

"And a good thing too. But you just know, you just know, that if you let this episode with Ms. Sparkle slide, some PC fresh out of Oatsford University is going to use this case to argue for Pony C's right. 'Well, Ms. Sparkle showed that if you helped save somepony from an offender, you get to punish said offender in any way you want!'" he emphasized, putting on an exaggerated aristocratic accent.

"Well, it's a question of degree," the tan pony defended her position. "Ms. Sparkle didn't just save one pony, she saved Ponyville!"

"And indeed, that could be a good defense," the Secretary of Administration responded smoothly. "But think about it. Just one unfortunate ruling, one stupid judge, one idiotic jury, and you'll be the Mayor that basically destroyed law and order throughout the land of Equestria. Is that what you want?"

"So what you're saying is," Mayor Mare mulled over the points made. "I have to revoke Ms. Sparkle's judgment. Because she certainly wasn't an HP during the Ursa attack, and I obviously can't make her one back then."

"Well... " Perhaps this would be a good time to see how well our Mayor is learning the ropes. "Yes. That's what I'm saying."

"Captain Force? I need your help here," Mayor Mare's voice crackled through the phone.

"Yes, Mayor." The Security Chief also decided that it was time for a little smoke.

"About this Ursa problem," the tan pony said. "I need to revoke Twilight Sparkle's judgment on Snips and Snails."

"As you wish, Mayor," the red stallion exhaled. "But you will have to find something to replace it."

"Do I have to?" the Mayor said hopefully. "Ponyvillians are forgiving..."

"To friends and family, perhaps. But definitely not to elected officials," the gruff pony shot the Mayor down before she could develop her point further.

No response from the other side.

"Your promised the public that you'll find someone responsible. So I guess if it's not Mr. Snips and Mr. Snails, then it's you."

"Captain," the tan mare quickly changed the subject. "Can we charge Mr. Snips and Mr. Snails under the Illegal Importations Act 991?"

"No, Ma'am, the Everfree is part of Equestria."

There came the sound of rustling pages. "Spread of Disease Act 876."

"No incidence of disease so far. Unless you have some special secret evidence that nopony else knows about."

"Pets Act 999." Mayor Mare's voice was betraying an increasing reluctance.

"Doubt the Ursa's a pet," the Security Chief let out a little cough. "Ma'am, to be frank, I think the only relevant law here is the... "

"Treason Act 10." Mayor Mare said in a hushed voice.

The Security Chief grunted in assent. "Yes. It is the only law in Equestria that has an unlimited scope: it can be applied to almost everypony for anything. Including the charge of 'leading an Ursa Minor into the center of Ponyville'."

Another pause over the phone. "Well, I don't think I can charge Mr. Snips and Mr. Snails for treason."

"Well, the Treason Act isn't restricted to adults, that's the wonderful thing- "

"I know that," Mayor Mare muttered, grumpy after hours of mental exhaustion. "I'm holding the darned Codex in my hooves, you know. I mean politically."

"Oh. Sure. But then, if you don't charge them, then you'll be letting Mr. Snips and Mr. Snails off. Not good for you."

"I know," Mayor Mare said. Delta Force could hear the sound of a heavy book being flung against the wall.

"You could always promote Ms. Sparkle to an HP," the red stallion helpfully suggested, building up nicotine in his lungs.

The tan pony sighed. "Only if I had a time machine - I can't change the fact that Ms. Sparkle wasn't an HP before the Ursa attacked!"

"I mean, you could always have promoted Ms. Sparkle to an HP," the red stallion corrected himself.

The line went silent for around five minutes. "Captain Force... what are you suggesting?"

The red stallion blew a large puff of smoke and stubbed out his cigarette. "Good night, Ma'am."

"Mayor, I..." Twilight Sparkle's eyes widened in horror. "I... I... I didn't realize! Oh, I'm so sorry, Mayor, I didn't... I... " Tears began welling in her eyes and she buried her face in her hooves. "Oh my stars, I RUINED EQUESTRIA!"

"Shhh! Ms. Sparkle!" Mayor Mare hushed the distraught unicorn. "I need you to be quiet!"

Twilight was bawling like a child. "There'll be ponies running rampant everywhere... all the courts destroyed... everypony stealing and hitting and killing each other... and it'll all be MY FAULT!"

"Ms. Sparkle!" the tan pony stuffed her hoof in the bookish mare's mouth. "I have a solution that can save us both. But you have absolutely got to keep this a secret, alright?"

The unicorn nodded, still heaving and straining from the emotional pressure.

Mayor Mare produced a gilded book from her saddlebag. "Here's the list of HPs in the entire Province of West Phalia - don't ask how I got it. You're going to insert your name into that list."

The purple mare abruptly pulled out Mayor Mare's hoof from her mouth. "You want me to commit fraud? Or - Celestia forbid - treason?" she gasped.

"The way I see it now, you're going down either way," Mayor Mare cautioned. "so let's make this as painless a process as possible."

"But I... I... all my life... the Princess' trust... I can't... I just..." tears again rolled down Twilight's trembling cheeks.

"Twilight!" the Mayor commanded in desperation. "If you force me to charge Snips and Snails with treason, I'm bringing you down with me!"

"M- Mayor- mmph!" Twilight barely registered a plea before the tan pony shut her mouth again.

"Now, Ms. Sparkle, now!" the Mayor ordered, looking straight into the unicorn's lavender eyes.

The unicorn closed her eyes in mental resignation. Her breaths still rapid, her body still shuddering, her horn beginning to glow...

"I know that a lot has occurred in the intervening time," Bit Coin said with some consternation. "But I want to remind everypony that we still only have one month left until the Budget Report! One month to fill up a deficit of seven hundred thousand bits! Accounting tricks will only get us so far!"

"I understand, Ms. Coin; I'm trying my best to lobby the Princess for an increase in the Ursa Emergency Fund." Mayor Mare said, not for one moment believing this to be the important issue at hand.

The chestnut pony huffed. "So we're putting all our eggs into that one basket? Just great."

"We'll think of something," the Mayor replied.

"I guess the threat of bankruptcy isn't a strong enough threat for you ponies," the Finance Secretary grumbled as she gathered up her papers. "I'd better go talk to the banks about contingency plans."

Crimson Ribbon remained silent until the Finance Secretary had exited. "Now, Ma'am, let us talk about the real issue at stake here. That of Ms. Sparkle."

Mayor Mare looked at Delta Force. The Security Chief pretended to raise an inquisitive eyebrow.

The tan pony turned back to the Secretary of Administration. "What issue of Ms. Sparkle's?" she asked innocently.

The bureaucrat remained calm. "Well, if I recall correctly, I believe she had inadvertently usurped some of the government's judicial powers."

"Really?" Mayor Mare said. "Hmm... I actually can't remember if she was authorized to do so: she's definitely not a public servant, but she could have been an HP... please, Captain Force, can you check the book for me?"

The red stallion brought a gilded book into view. "Now, let's see... the list of HPs in Ponyville... well, wouldn't you believe it! There's Ms. Sparkle's name!" He pointed out the relevant entry: Ms. Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville.

"So very young. And able." Mayor Mare commented. "And an HP, apparently."

The bureaucrat examined the row further. "Ah, it seems that Ms. Sparkle was already an Honored Pony by the time of the Ursa Crisis. Interesting news, indeed. Although, I must say, I don't recall ever reading or supporting her application, as stated here."

"You must have signed it after Nightmare Moon was defeated," the tan pony postulated. "Those were boozy and un-remember-able times for all of us."

"Indeed they were."

"Well, Mr. Ribbon!" the Mayor Mare was the happiest she'd ever been in days. "It seems that your concerns have, therefore, been rendered unnecessary."

"Indeed they have." The Secretary of Administration broke into a smile and a grimace. The Mayor had proven herself to be a fast learner, but would her power one day threaten his own position?