My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S1E5: Griffon The Brush-Off

The Agenda:
1. Budget Shortfall [ ]
A) Spending Cuts [ ]
2. SPECIAL NOTE: VIP in West Phalia
3. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"First things first," Mayor Mare, setting down the piece of parchment. "This is unlikely to involve us, but just note this down: the Griffon Ambassador and his family are conducting a Grand Tour of Equestria. They will be in West Phalia for the next couple of days, looking at agriculture, industry, stuff like that. Not going to pass through Ponyville, but just a heads-up."

The other three members of her cabinet - Secretary of Administration Crimson Ribbon, Finance Secretary Bit Coin, and Security Chief Delta Force nodded in acknowledgement.

"Alright," the tan mare said, picking up the agenda again. "Let's start off with the first item."

A rustling of papers as Bit Coin opened her ledger. "So. Due to... unforeseen circumstances," she shot an annoyed glare at Mayor Mare, "expenses now outpace income by three hundred and ninety-nine thousand bits: one hundred and ninety-nine thousand due to immediate costs, and two hundred thousand due to anticipated lost revenue."

The chestnut mare let the numbers sink in. "So, yeah, not good. We'll be in debt to the tune of three hundred and ninety nine thousand."

"Three hundred... you mean, we have no reserves whatsoever?" Mayor Mare asked in astonishment.

"Not legally."

"What do you mean, not legally?"

The chestnut pony gave a wave of her hoof. "We have a vault in the basement. It's stocked to the brim with bits, gold, jewels, Equestrian bonds, stuff like that."

"Ah," Crimson Ribbon took it upon himself to elaborate. "but of course, you know that your predecessor and his Finance Secretary were involved in some... unfortunate dealings."

"You can say that again," Mayor Mare rolled her eyes. Can't you ponies ever talk straight?

"So you see, we don't have a grasp on the legal status on that vault. What in it was legally obtained, and what wasn't. And as you know, they're currently appealing their sentence in the House of Nobles. And so, until there is a final verdict on the status of the vault, may I humbly suggest that it would be safer to not rely on it."

The tan mare was unconvinced. "Surely, there must be something in there that is legally ours."

"Yes, but think about it," the bureaucrat responded calmly. "you take a jewel out from the vault and convert it into bits. It later turns out that the jewel wasn't yours. Now you have to return the money, buy back the jewel, return it to its owner, and then pay compensation for emotional and other damages. We would lose at least triple the jewel's value."

"What about the bits?" Mayor Mare grasped at straws in frustration. "Surely the bits are legitimate tax revenue!"

"Um," Bit Coin raised her hoof. "Well, the ledger of the previous Sec' was confiscated by the Anti-Graft Taskforce." She lowered her head in embarrassment. "So we don't actually know what the numbers are."

"So you don't even have a budget?!" Mayor Mare exclaimed in exasperation.

"No, no!" the chestnut pony said quickly. "We have the official budget. We just don't have the real budget. At least not while Mayor Fields was in office... Ma'am? Ma'am!"

Mayor Mare slumped onto the desk, defeat utterly overwhelming her.

"Glad you're up again, Ma'am. We sure don't want to add to our expenses now," Bit Coin said, taking her seat in front of the desk.

Mayor Mare just looked at her, head on one hoof, waiting for the arrival of more bad news.

"I've asked all three departments on how they could cut expenses. As it turns out- " the chestnut pony whipped out her phone and began to poke at it. "we're all working at top-notch efficiency. There's just no way we can cut without badly compromising some aspect of the government."

"Even the tea-ponies," the tan mare responded mirthlessly.

"Oh, especially the tea-ponies!" the Finance Secretary looked at the Mayor, stunned to think that she dared even suggest such a thing. "You know how much time it takes to brew tea? That adds up to a crazy number of pony-hours!"

Mayor Mare's head slipped off her hoof and hit the desk with an audible bang.

"But," Bit Coin hastily added. "We've all agreed to slash current old age pensions, farm subsidies and unemployment benefits by ten percent. Now obviously, this was a really hard choice." the chestnut mare paused for dramatic effect. "But it's a choice that we are willing to make, given the circumstances."

"Thanks," the tan mare said, taking note of the fact that those cuts did not affect anypony within the civil service.

"So now only one hundred and fifty thousand bits left!" Bit Coin chirped happily. "And I think I've just got the solution for that."

"Oh, really?" Mayor Mare said, amazed that deliverance was so near.

"You see, I've discussed this long and hard with the other three departments," the chestnut pony added. "and we've all come to the conclusion that there is one section of the government that is, frankly, a huge waste of money."

Mayor Mare looked directly at her Finance Secretary, rapt with anticipation.

"You see, there is this semi-department in the Ponyville civil service," Bit Coin said, "called Weather..."

Rainbow Dash's eyes widened. "But...what! You can't fire me! I saved Ponyville!"

Crimson Ribbon smiled calmly. "We're not firing you; we're just putting you on semi-permanent furlough. If you read the Labor Relations Act 877, you will find that there's a clear difference."

"What's the difference?" Rainbow Dash asked hopefully. "Does this mean you'll still pay me?"

"The difference," Crimson Ribbon's smile widened further. "is that you can't complain about dismissal to the Civil Servants' Union on semi-permanent furlough. You're still on the grid."

The cyan pegasus' face fell. "But...oh, please, Mr. Ribbon! Please don't do this! I swear, I'll never slack off on the job again! You know what, even though I have a friend coming, I'll just work and work all day, tomorrow! Please, Mr. Ribbon, please!"

The smiling continued.

Rainbow Dash tried one last attempt. "I'll- I'll tell Celestia! I'll make her make you keep me!" she said threateningly.

Crimson's Ribbon was prepared. He took out a scroll. "' Mr. Spike confirms that Rainbow Dash generated a lightning bolt within 5 meters of him...' the Princess doesn't take well to misfeasance, Ms. Dash. "

"Ok, ok!" the pegasus backtracked. "I- I'll work for free for the rest of the year! Please, please, Mr. Ribbon, just don't fire me or put me on your 'semi-permanent...' thingy!"

The bureaucrat was willing to take this half-victory. "That will be acceptable, Ms. Dash."

"Please." The Princess Celestia gestured towards the opposite couch.

Mayor Mare sat down, wondering what the cause of this summons was. By Equestria, I'm seeing her more than I'm seeing Cheerilee!

"You will no doubt be wondering about your summons," Princess Celestia said. "And you shall get no censure for it. Fate works in her own ways," she said, gracefully accepting Mayor Mare's offering of tea.

"So. The Griffon Ambassador has recently approached me to complain about the, well, 'unacceptable' behavior that his daughter has received at the hands of Ponyville's citizens. It seems that she has suffered much emotional distress."

"I see. Is there something we can do?"

"I apologize for insisting," the Ruler of Equestria said. "But the position of Co-Magistra is up for election next week. I need the Equestrian candidate to take that position beside me. Therefore, you must do everything possible to placate him!"

"My daughter is very much distressed and does not want to speak to anyone. Especially anypony," the Ambassador said haughtily.

Mayor Mare continued to prostrate herself in front of the stout griffon. "I, on behalf of the citizens of Ponyville, do most humbly beg of your most merciful forgiveness, Your Excellency." More fancy words, more fancy words!

"Hmph. What can Ponyville offer that the Great Griffon Kingdom does not already possess? I have seen West Phalia, and it is a dump."

The tan pony twitched slightly. "We shall strive to the utmost to pay due compensation."

"You shall. And I believe the compensation amounts to...let's see..." The Ambassador let out an evil grin. "Five hundred thousand bits".

Mayor Mare gulped. "Five hundred thousand bits."

"Yes. With the amount of trauma my daughter has suffered through, I believe only a prolonged stay at the Maremmayo Clinic would suffice."

The tan pony dared not complain. "Anything else, Your Excellency?"

"Ah yes. Apparently a certain Ms. Rainbow Dash has been the one responsible for all of my poor daughter's travails. She desires that Ms. Rainbow Dash apologize to her. In person."

Rainbow Dash tiptoed in through the door, fear written all over her face. "M-mayor?" she stammered. "I- I- spent the whole day seeding c-clouds and driving away the fog... I-I- worked r-really hard..."

"No, Ms. Dash," Bit Coin reassured her. "This is something else entirely- "

"It is?" the pegasus suddenly lit up and raced into her seat. "Oh, what is it, what is it? I'll do anything to help!"

"Ms. Dash," the Mayor said. "Do you know a certain Ms. Gilda?"

"Oh, sure." the prismatic mare crossed her forelegs at the mention of that name. "She's a real party-pooper."

"Ms. Dash, what did you do to Ms. Gilda?" the tan mare pressed.

"Pfft. Nothing really," the pegasus replied. "Just a few pranks with Pinkie. It's not our fault that she couldn't take it."

Mayor Mare paused, slowly revising what she had to say. "Ms. Dash. This probably doesn't seem fair to you. But we need you to go to Canterlot and apologize, in person, to Ms. Gilda- "

The cyan mare jumped into the air. "What! That little... no. No!"

"Ms. Dash, please." Bit Coin said. "This is important. For Equestria."

"No! It's not my fault!" the pegasus gesticulated wildly. "She'll humiliate me! And why just me, and not Pinkie Pie as well?""

"I don't know." Mayor Mare said with some finality. "But you have to go."

"No! She can't do this!" Rainbow Dash said.

The tan pony sighed. She looked over to Bit Coin. The Finance Secretary nodded sadly.

"We'll bring you back from permanent furlough," Mayor Mare pleaded.

"No."

"We'll pay you an extra bonus for this month. We'll promote you to D3!"

"No, no! I just can't..."

"Ma'am?" Bit Coin looked at her superior.

"Go ahead," Mayor Mare sighed.

"Ms. Dash, is it the humiliation that's the problem?" Bit Coin postulated.

"Yes!" the cyan pony nodded furiously.

"Well. In that case, why don't I just arrange a grant for Ms. Sparkle, so she can receive lessons in mind-wiping."

"Hmm. Well, uh..." Rainbow Dash pondered. "Hmmm... well, yeah, I guess that's alright. Can I keep the other stuff as well?"

"Sure," Mayor Mare grimaced.

"Now I understand that this whole Griffon thing had to be solved. But look at the books now!" Bit Coin said in desperation. "Even a capsizing ship is more balanced than this."

The words were written in clear and indelible red ink: 700,000 bits.

The chestnut mare pushed the ledger across on the desk for the Mayor's perusal. "I sure hope you asked the Princess for some help."

"Her Highness couldn't give any. Said it was Ponyville's fault for being having undiplomatic citizens. Would set a bad example for the other cities." The Mayor sighed in resignation. "You know the Princess. We have six heroes of Equestria here. She doesn't want to be seen showing favoritism."

Bit Coin reluctantly accepted the Mayor's reasoning.

"Two months before we reveal the Annual Budget." the chestnut pony remarked. "So do you have a plan to net us that sort of cash? Or will you make the Equestrian history books?"

"I don't know. But with this town, you never know." Mayor Mare mused.