//------------------------------// // That Time You Accidentally Involve a Princess in Your Love Life // Story: Awkward, But Worth It // by bahatumay //------------------------------// Author’s note: No, this is not AppleDashLight. I will likely never write AppleDashLight. I can barely handle two characters in love; I have no idea how I’m supposed to handle three. Also, polyamory is wrong. Timing. Timing is everything. When you are fighting in hoof to hoof combat, a split second can mean the difference between walking away a winner and never walking again. When you are dating, being a few minutes late can mean the difference between meeting your marefriend at the restaurant and being single (again). Showing up at a shop three minutes before closing time can mean the difference between eating dinner that night and going to bed hungry. And then there's the times when others' bad timing affects you. Like when you're late and somepony drops their saddlebag when they are walking in front of you and its contents go flying everywhere, delaying you further. Or when somepony else buys the very last of the item you need that night, right in front of your face. Or your boss forgetting your paybag of bits at his home--on the day your rent is due. Or, in an extremely uncomfortably personal example from Applejack's life, being approximately five seconds before going over the edge of ultimate pleasure and hearing your sister and her two friends burst into the house and come running up the stairs. There was a one second pause as both ponies froze, taking in exactly what was about to happen, and then Rainbow Dash extracted herself from under the blankets and exploded out the window faster than Applejack had ever seen her move. This also presented a slight problem, as the window had been shut with the curtains drawn (as was wont to be the case whenever their meetings of this nature occurred), and so her intentional ‘quick and silent’ exit was marred by the harsh sound of glass shattering. The sound hadn't even died away before Apple Bloom’s voice came up the stairs. “Wasn’t me!” Of course that would be her first reaction. The sound of hoofsteps drew closer. She heard the sound of the latch rattling, but then a different sound, like a little hoof slapping away another hoof. “Wait!” Apple Bloom hissed. “That’s Applejack’s room! We’re not supposed t’ go in there!” “Yeah,” Sweetie Belle added. “We never did before.” “That’s before there was broken glass,” Scootaloo argued. “I don’t want to get in trouble for what somepony else did, so if we figure out what happened, we’ll be in the clear.” “Ah dunno...” Apple Bloom said slowly. “What if it’s a burglar or something?” Sweetie whispered fearfully. Applejack could almost see the change go across her sister’s face. “Nopony steals from the Apple Family!” Apple Bloom growled. It suddenly occurred to Applejack that she was sweaty, under the covers in the middle of the afternoon when she should have been working out in the orchard, with her face flushed red, with a very uncomfortable heat between her lower legs, and her sister and her friends were about to come into her room. There was no way to make this less awkward. Might as well get it over with. “Ain’t no burglar here,” she said. “Just me.” The door opened slowly and three curious fillies peeked inside. “Applejack? What was that? You ok?” Applejack thought of her denied climax and of the nearly painful burning between her rear legs. “Ah ain’t as good as Ah usually am,” she said truthfully. Now emboldened by concern, Apple Bloom pushed past her friends and walked into the room. “Are ya sick?” she asked, hopping up on the bed. Her weight shifted the covers and dragged the sheets along Applejack’s body. Definitely NOT what Applejack needed at that moment. She grit her teeth and willed her body to calm itself. “Nah, but Ah’m not feelin’ so great, so why don’t y’all just head out and do whatever it was you were doin’.” “Ya sure?” Apple Bloom asked. “Ah mean, Ah don’t think we’ve tried Cutie Mark Crusaders Nurses or...” She was interrupted by Applejack’s hoof on her mouth. “No.” Apple Bloom’s face fell, but she perked back up quickly. “All right then! We’re goin’ t’ grab our stuff and then we’ll be good to go!” “Great! Best of luck!” Applejack said with a wide smile. She kept up that smile until they had slammed the back door behind them as they left. With a sigh, she slumped down on the bed. She didn’t move, not even when she heard fluttering wings beside her. “Hey, don’t finish without me,” Rainbow Dash protested jokingly. She lifted a hoof and placed it next to Applejack. “Still up for finishing, or...?” Applejack shook her head. “Really not in the mood anymore.” “Yeah, those three will do it.” Slight pause. “That could have been taken wrong, huh?” “Rainbow, be serious fer once,” Applejack scolded, flinging a pillow at the pegasus. “One of these days she’s gonna actually catch us.” “It probably won’t be that bad," Rainbow said hesitantly. “Ah’m givin’ you two seconds to rephrase that.” “We need to find a new place to bang, and pronto.” Applejack huffed. “Crude, but better. Ya live fer now.” With a flap of her wings, Rainbow flew over Applejack to land opposite her on the bed. "Well, the orchard is usually a little too exposed and the south orchard is always too far out of the way, Big Mac caught us in the barn, Apple Bloom almost caught us here, I'm not seeing too many other places we can go." She thought. "Unless you want to go do it in the Everfree or something." "Sex is supposed t' be fun, not deadly," Applejack deadpanned. Rainbow tapped a hoof on her chin thoughtfully. "Maybe we could have sex on a cloud," she suggested. "What did Ah just say?” Rainbow cocked her head and thought rapidly. “Deadly is bad?” “Right. Earth pony," Applejack said, pointing to herself. "No clouds. Unless ya feel like supercompressing clouds again, and Ah think that's a worse idea." Rainbow Dash had a sudden vision of herself and Applejack on a compressed cloud. Right as imaginary Rainbow climaxed, she bucked her imaginary hips, loosening part of the imaginary cloud and sending imaginary Applejack falling right through to the imaginary ground, and being in the throes of pleasure, imaginary Rainbow was unable to react in time. She shuddered. "Ok. Bad idea. No, I was thinking of finding cloud walking amulet." Applejack cocked her head. "Ah thought those were a joke," she said. "I've heard of them," Rainbow corrected herself. "I've just never seen one. But unicorns can do some funky things with their magic so I think it’s possible." Her eyes widened as something occurred to her. "Ooh!" Now that definitely made Applejack suspicious. "Let's ask Cadence!" Suspicion faded into confusion. "Huh?" "You know, princess of love? She's sure to know! I bet she gets questions like that all the time." “About cloud-walking amulets?" "About mixed race relationships!" "She ain’t the princess of sex, though,” Applejack argued. Rainbow waved a hoof dismissively. "Love and sex are pretty much the same thing." Applejack stomped a hoof in protest, but since she was still laying in bed, the sound was much softer than she had expected. "Are not!" “They’re in a relationship, at least," Rainbow argued. “Maybe cousins.” “...” Applejack bit her lower lip. “That came out wrong.” "Come ooon," Rainbow pleaded. "She won't mind. We’ll get Spike to send her a letter and we’ll know before the end of the day!" "No." "But..." "No." Rainbow sighed, dejected. "Fine..." Applejack slid closer and wrapped a foreleg around Rainbow. "Turnin’ t’ royalty fer every little problem ain’t the Apple way, Rainbow. We'll figure something out on our own. We always do.” "That's right," Rainbow said, perking up slightly. "Nothing holds us down!" "Right!” Applejack decided to change the subject. “So, you still coming to our little get together this weekend?" Rainbow's mood skyrocketed. "The drinking of the ceremonial barrel of hard cider? You know it!" "It's gonna be better than last year," Applejack promised. "I know,” Rainbow huffed. “I couldn't make it last year. Just me being there will make it better." Applejack gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. “Whatever you say, sugarcube.” The two sat in silence for a brief moment. “Hey, Rainbow?” “Yes?” Rainbow turned to look at the earth pony, a small smile spreading across her face (and her wings spreading slightly as well) at what was to come. Applejack never did like to leave anything unfinished. Ever. “You owe me a new window.” * * * Applejack watched as Rainbow Dash stumbled around. ‘Painful’ was definitely the correct word to use here. “She really can’t hold her liquor, can she?” Applejack asked rhetorically. “Nope,” Big Mac answered anyway, taking another drink. “It’s a pegasi thing,” Fluttershy explained, holding her own mug steadily. “We’re light and the blood in our veins flows faster and with richer oxygen, because you need that when you’re flying at high altitudes. We get affected by alcohol faster, and feel the hangover much quicker, but we sober up pretty quick too.” “Then how come you’re doin’ so well?" Applejack asked, looking at the numerous empty mugs scattered around Fluttershy. Come to think of it, she really had no idea why they didn’t just reuse the mugs in the first place instead of getting more of them dirty. Fluttershy blushed slightly and lowered her head. “There’s a lot about me I don’t like to talk about much,” she said softly. Applejack shook her head and walked over to Rainbow. Her own buzz was starting to manifest itself, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as Rainbow’s obviously was. “Rainbow, are you doin’ ok?” she asked. “I am now!” Rainbow Dash suddenly grabbed onto Applejack’s ear. “Come wiff me,” she slurred, dripping spit as she spoke. “Got somethin’ important t’ tell you.” Before Applejack could respond, Rainbow Dash tugged and dragged her outside, causing Applejack a fair amount of pain. “Ow! What is it?” Applejack demanded when Rainbow Dash finally released her. “I had the greatest idea,” Rainbow Dash said. “Ah sincerely doubt that,” Applejack deadpanned as she rubbed her sore ear, "but do go on anyway.” “Applejack?” “Yes, Rainbow?” “We should have sex.” “Now?” Applejack asked flatly. Rainbow leaned forward and spread her wings. “Right here, right now. Take me, AJ.” “In public?” Applejack hissed. “No. There are ponies here and everypony is watching, and Ah have no intention of lettin’ that happen, so drop your tail and go home, Rainbow.” Applejack really didn’t trust Rainbow Dash in her inebriated state. Come to think of it, she didn’t trust any of her friends drunk. Not since the time Pinkie Pie had accidentally opened the hard cider and had decided to bake a world’s record sized apple pie in the kitchen. She had nearly succeeded, too. Somehow. The problem with her plan was, she had been in the basement at the time. That had been a large, but rather unexplainable, mess. “What if nopony was watching? Then it’s different, right?” “Not. Right. Now.” Rainbow’s ears fell. “So no sex?”. “No.” Rainbow tried to follow this logic. “No as in no no sex so yes sex?” she asked hopefully. “Don’t you ever think about anything else?” Applejack hissed, prodding Rainbow forcefully in the chest. “Ah’m more than yer bed buddy and you’d best be rememberin’ that!” “I know,” Rainbow said. “But you’re just looking so good right now! Like the ribbon in your hair kinda fell off and now your mane is everywhere, but you don’t care because -hic- you’re too busy taking care of everypony else. That’s what you do, Applejack. You take care of other ponies. You’re unselfish and amazing and I would really like to lick your cutie mark right now. Can I? Pleeease?” Well, she did get points for trying. “Not tonight, Rainbow. Not while you’re drunk.” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Fine! Fine... I’m jusht gonna go home then. Nope. Not doin’ annnythin’ else.” “That’s prolly a good idea,” Applejack agreed. Had Applejack been completely sober, she would have realized that Rainbow Dash was actually flying away from the direction of her house. * * * Rainbow Dash banged her head against the door again. “Come on!” she slurred. “I’ve been waiting out here for, like... ever. Like forever. Longer than forever. Maybe even five-ever. Shix-ever?” She reared back to slam her head on the door again, but suddenly the door wasn’t there anymore, and she fell forward, collapsing into a cyan heap on the ground. Spike looked down at Rainbow Dash through squinted, tired eyes. "What are you doing?” he growled. “It’s like two in the morning, and besides, Twilight won't be back from Canterlot for another three days!” “So?” Rainbow asked, shakily pushing herself back up to her hooves. "Came fer you." Spike took in her erratic behavior and cocked his head. "Are you drunk?" "Do I look drunk?" Rainbow demanded. Spike paused for a moment to decide if that was a trick question or not. He finally arrived at the conclusion that it was not, and so answered truthfully. "Yes, Rainbow. You look very drunk." "Oh yeah?" Rainbow challenged. "If I'm sho drunk, how come I flew here jusht fine?" Spike gave her a flat look. "Then explain the dirt all along your body and the mud in your mane and tail." “Irrelephant,” Rainbow spat. Spike rolled his eyes. “Ok. Are you here for a reason? Or do you just like bothering little dragons who are trying to get some sleep?” (1) “I’m here ‘cause I need your help, Spiiikee. Heh. Spikey-wikey. Can you send me a letter to Cadensh?” “I can,” Spike said, crossing his arms defiantly even as he blushed furiously and grit his teeth at this blasphemous use of Rarity's nickname for him, “but why should I? Why can’t it wait until morning?” Rainbow Dash shot her hooves out and pulled Spike into a tight hug. “Pleeeeease, Spike? It’s urgent!” Spike gagged on the smell of alcohol emanating from Rainbow’s mouth. Had he coughed and sparked, he probably would have made her blow up. Blowing up an Element of Harmony would definitely not be in his best interest, so he switched tacks. “Fine! Fine! I’ll do it! Just put me down!” Rainbow did so, and Spike took a piece of paper out from Twilight’s desk and obtained a quill. He turned and held it up expectantly. “What do you want it to say?” “Let meee write it.” Spike nodded and began to write. “Let meee... oh.” He shrugged, ripped the top part of the paper off, and handed the supplies over. It took Rainbow four tries to grab the quill, and another three to hit the offered inkwell. Quickly deciding that his time was best spent elsewhere, Spike set the inkwell down and hopped up on the couch, pulled one of the cushions over his face, and tried to fall asleep. About ten minutes later, Rainbow Dash poked Spike awake.”Hey. I’m ready. Send it. Send eeeet.” “Will you go away if I do?” “You’ll never shee me again,” Rainbow promised. Then she paused. Even drunk, she knew something was wrong with that statement. “But you might see me. Like, I’ll shtill be here right after you send it. I can’t jusht disappear, you know.” “Whatever,” Spike grumbled. “I really don’t care as long as I can get some sleep tonight.” He took the letter and his eyes flicked over her messy writing. Dear pRincesS Cadense Hi How are you? I like your wIngs. I bet they spread nicelee. Do you like it when ponies bite the base of your wings? I am noT drunk. I was wonderinG if you knEw “Don’t read it!” Rainbow shouted. “Just send it!” That shout surprised Spike, and a burst of fire came out of his mouth. With a flash of green flames, the letter disappeared. “Great! Now I’m going home. Thanksh, Spike!” “Anytime,” Spike said drily. As he turned to head back up the stairs, he noticed that the sound of the door opening hadn't sounded right. Spinning around, he saw a rainbow tail disappear into the kitchen. Spike slammed a claw onto his forehead. “Rainbow! That’s the kitchen!” No answer. Muttering under his breath, he headed back downstairs and poked his head inside the kitchen. Sure enough, Rainbow Dash was here, but she had passed out, her rear legs locked but her forelegs splayed out and her face on the ground. Her tail had flipped over onto her back, exposing parts of her body that Applejack considered her personal property. Had it been anypony else viewing this, it would have been a mildly arousing sight at the very least. Spike, however, was ignorant of all these things, and only saw a stupid pony passed out drunk. Shaking his head, he decided that he would let Future Spike deal with this problem so Present Spike could get some much-needed sleep. He grinned as he turned and left. Neither Present Spike nor Future Spike envied the hangover Future Rainbow would be sporting tomorrow. * * * Apple Bloom got into position and wiggled her tail in preparation. Like a large, yellow cat, she pounced upon her prey. “Mornin, Rainbow Dash!” “ARGH! Agh! Eeehh!” Rainbow’s first noise of exclamation came from surprise, while the second came from the pain of the headache caused by her first noise. The third one was that gentle whine of despair when you know today is not going to be a good day. “Apple Bloom?” Rainbow whispered, holding a hoof to her head and squinting. “What are you doing?” “Ah could ask you the same question!” Apple Bloom said brightly. “Not so loud,” Rainbow moaned. Why did farmer types always have to be morning ponies? “See, you were ‘apposed t’ go home last night, but we came in and found you here this morning.” “Where is here, anyway?” “Middle of the barn.” That was odd. Hadn’t she gone to the library? Ah well. Maybe it had all just been a dream. But now, she had a more urgent matter to attend to. “Is there a reason you’re on top of me?” “Yep!” Apple Bloom said happily. Rainbow couldn’t see, but she was sure that the filly was smiling widely as she bounced on Rainbow's back. “Applejack gave me a bit t’ come in and wake you up in the True Apple Style!” Rainbow groaned. In her opinion, the True Apple Style needed a lot of refining. “So come on!” Apple Bloom said, leaning down and pulling on Rainbow’s mane. “We gotta go! Breakfast is gonna be gone soon! Big Mac eats like no other.” “Please, just leave me here to die,” Rainbow moaned pitifully. Unfortunately, Apple Bloom had other motivations. She hopped off and began pulling on her tail, attempting to physically drag the pegasus out. “Ah get two bits if’n Ah get you t’ the table in time for breakfast, so come on!” * * * “I swear, I am never having foals,” Rainbow mumbled. “That’s good,” Applejack teased, “because if’n you did, Ah’d be wonderin’ where they came from.” Rainbow groaned again. “Or ya could give up drinking,” Applejack prodded. “Never.” “You’re really hungover, Dash. You could stay inside if you want.” Rainbow shook her head, nearly passing out from the sensation, but she stayed strong. “I promised I’d help, and so I will. Besides, it'll wear off soon. It always does.” “Ah appreciate your loyalty. Don’t work too hard.” Rainbow managed a little smirk. “Do I ever?” The two worked for a while. By that, it should be understood that Applejack did the work of bucking trees and collecting apples while Rainbow Dash stood in one spot and attempted to not vomit. About five minutes later, though, Rainbow had recovered enough to help out a bit. She was doing fairly well until she saw Spike running up, holding a letter in his claw. Oh. Looks like last night hadn’t been a dream at all. That left two questions unanswered. How in this wide world of Equestria had she ended up back at the barn on Sweet Apple Acres when she had passed out at the library? And a more urgent question: what had she written last night? “Rainbow Dash!” Spike called. “I came as quick as I could!” He stopped in front of her, bending over to catch his breath, and held out the letter. Rainbow reached out for it, but Applejack scooped it up first. “Is it from Twilight?” she asked, examining it carefully. “No, from Cadence,” Spike answered. “She also sent you this.” He held out a necklace with a long golden chain. The medallion hanging off it looked suspiciously like Cadence’s cutie mark. Rainbow Dash took it and put it on. The chain was so long that it dangled near her hooves. “Strange...” she said. Spike shrugged. “Don’t look at me. I’m just the delivery boy.” “And you’re the best around, Spike,” Applejack said, tossing him an apple. Oh. Right. Applejack was here. And she had the letter. The letter which was probably full of all kinds of incriminating evidence. Or maybe a restraining order. Or maybe even a one-way ticket to the moon. As Spike wandered off with his prize, Rainbow sidled over to Applejack. “It’s not really an important letter,” she said. “I don’t have to read it now.” “Oh, come on,” Applejack said. “Spike brought it all the way down this early in the mornin’. Least we could do is read it.” “Or we could... you know... not.” Applejack’s eyes narrowed. “Rainbow, are you hiding something from me?” “What? Me? No! It’s just... it’s personal,” Rainbow protested weakly. Applejack softened. “Maybe we can read it together? We do share everything, you know.” “I don’t think that’s the best idea.” Applejack cocked her head. “Rainbow, what’s all this about?” “It’s... argh. Sure, let’s read it together.” After all, there was a slight chance that her letter had been chaste, right? Besides, surely Princess Cadence would know when to censor herself, right? Applejack gave her an askance look, but opened the letter and began to read. Dear Rainbow Dash, Your letter was quite explicit, but I sense a pure need and true desire to know behind your awkward syntax, misspelled words, numerous capitalization errors, and slightly perverted fantasies. Please do not be offended if I answer frankly. Although sex and love are most definitely not the same thing, love and lust do indeed walk with tails entwined every so often, and so I, by nature of my position, am quite willing and able to answer your questions. As you know, an alicorn has traits of all three races. This means that I am just as happy having earth pony sex in an orchard or an open field as having pegasus sex on a cloud, and unicorn sex--the use of magic during copulation--is just another tool at my disposal, to be used according to my desires. I am well versed in different styles and locations for sexual pleasure. That being said, I have always had a special spot in my heart for having sex on a cloud. The feeling of lightness thanks to the cloud, the sensation of being exposed and out in the open yet remaining unseen from the ground, not having to clean up afterwards; it is without a doubt my favorite choice for any unplanned sexcursions. You can even build a little dome of cloud and not have to worry about being seen by any other pegasi. Plus, nopony ever thinks to look for a unicorn in a cloud. Nopony ever finds Shining Armor until I’m done with him, if you know what I mean. I imagine you have similar desires in your relationship, which is only natural. Please find enclosed a cloud walking amulet for your personal use and pleasure. Be careful and gentle with your partner at first, as the foreign sensation of being on a cloud can be quite unsettling to an earth pony. The chain is rather long; this is intentional. If your partner would rather be on top or if she enjoys laying on her front while on bottom, she merely needs to have it somewhere on her body (I have seen these amulets used as mane ties before); but if she prefers being on her back while receiving (my personal preference), she should loop it tightly around her body around her chest, barrel, and withers; else she risks falling through the cloud and being held up by her hooves (an awkward position with really no pleasurable options at all). It might be wise to just keep it wrapped around her body all the time, thus allowing you freedom to switch positions at will (and let’s be honest, having little chains wrapped tightly around your partner’s body is sexy). Best of luck in your endeavors! [Signed] Her Royal Highness Princess Cadence PS I must admit, I’m not really into the whole biting thing; but I do enjoy a nice, sharp lick on the underside of the wing, near the front. Please see attached diagram for proper positioning, and don’t be afraid to try it yourself! Applejack set the letter down and stared at Rainbow Dash, who gave a sheepish smile. “What?” Rainbow finally asked. “Ah can't believe you actually did that!" “In my defense, I didn’t mean to! I was drunk! Besides, it worked, didn’t it?” “We can never show our faces in the Crystal Empire again. You know this, right?” “Yeah, but it’s cool because now you have an awesome amulet! Let’s try it out!” “No.” And with that, Applejack turned and walked away. “Applejack!” "No!" "It was worth it, though, wasn't it? Don’t you want to try it at least once? Applejack? Applejack!!"