//------------------------------// // S1E2: My Name is Artemis Fowl // Story: Artemis Fowl and the Elements of Randomosity // by The Scribophiliac //------------------------------// Artemis found himself tumbling through the expanses of time and space. The seeming tunnel twisted by as he was transported to an unknown location. This feeling was not entirely unfamiliar to the boy, as he had done his fair share of time-traveling, but he had always known exactly where and when he would end up. This time, he had not even the illusion of control. Not being in control was an almost entirely new feeling him, and he nearly panicked. But ever the logical mind, Artemis realized how very little good panicking would do and so retained his composure. Wondering why his principal had given a sudden shout of surprise, Artemis’ massive bodyguard Butler crashed through the door to the room previously occupied by the young genius, only to find the majority of the space was now filled by a huge, swirling, rainbow-colored rend in the space-time continuum. Before the large Eurasian man had a chance to comprehend, much less react to the sight in front of him (a very small amount of time indeed) he found himself in the grip of the strange portal. His body was pulled in, and at the last moment he felt his hand snag on a piece of fabric. Then he was gone. The portal closed, leaving the room as silent as death. Owing to his larger mass, Butler traveled through the vortex at a much faster rate than Artemis, because apparently matter follows the same laws of acceleration even where there are no laws to follow. By a staggering coincidence, Butler reached terminal velocity just as he caught up with Artemis. Artemis started to wonder how this could be, since that one crazy Italian guy proved the two objects fall at the same rate regardless of weight, but since their progress was almost entirely horizontal it seemed somewhat comprehensible, and anyways he realized a better question was how Butler was there with him in the first place. Then he noticed that the Randomosity shirt was in Butler’s fist. “I see you have my shirt.” stated the boy. “Do I?” replied the older man, “Yes, that seems to be correct. I must have caught it accidentally when I was sucked into this vortex thingy. What is this place anyways, one of your experiments?” “No, old friend. I believe that it is, in fact, a result of the garment you now hold in your hands. If you would be so kind as to hand it over, I’d rather go into an unknown dimension in that shirt then to arrive without one at all.” Indeed, Artemis was bare-chested (calm yourselves, ladies) because he had been in the act of preparing to wear the Randomosity shirt before it turned into a portal generator. After a bit more thought about how dangerous it might be, he changed his mind: “On second thought, I don’t want it.” Then the two humans fell out of the time stream into a world where humans had never been seen before. Twilight Sparkle was interrupted in her forbidden studies of the six new, unknown elements by a calamitous commotion from outside. It sounded like a lot of ponies were screaming and running around in circles, which was not at all odd, because when Twilight looked out the window, that is exactly what she saw happening. The source of all the panic was not immediately visible to her, and the wide range of possible suspects that usually messed things up made it virtually impossible to guess the origin. Twilight opened her door and stepped out into the chaos-ridden streets of Ponyville. What she saw was unbelievable. In order accurately account for Miss Sparkle’s reaction, one must first accurately describe the scene that met her eyes. This is what I will attempt to do. A large group of ponies was gathered around. . . something? Somepony? No, someponies. Twilight could now clearly see that there were two figures at the center of the mob, but the press of bodies around them made them unidentifiable. They clearly had to be something extremely out of the ordinary, or such a fuss wouldn't have been made. She circled around, trying to get a better view. Then suddenly she did. The two ponies in the center of the crowd, they- no, not ponies. Ponies don't walk on two legs. They have a lot more hair than that. Ponies certainly aren’t that tall. The shorter one looked about six inches above the average pony, but the other one towered at a height that would have even Princess Celestia looking up. Twilight rightly guessed he was somewhere in the vicinity of seven feet tall. Not only was he large, but there was something else about him that seemed menacing. Perhaps it was the rough way in which he endeavored to keep the mob away from the obviously younger creature. Two flashes of magenta light later, the townsponies found that the source of agitation had vanished. Then they reappeared, accompanied by a third flash, but this time inside Twilight’s library. Twilight herself also materialized, and began running around, rapidly barring doors and pulling curtains shut as fast as her magic would let her. The task being completed in but a little time, as her magic was much more than sufficient for the task, she turned to examine the strange creatures she had brought into her home. One of them seemed to have the same idea, but vice versa. “What an unexpected new life form!” exclaimed Twilight and Artemis simultaneously. “It seems to be capable of communication through intelligent speech.” remarked Artemis and Twilight. “This is quite amazing! Just think of what I could learn.” they both postulated. “Excuse me, but what’s going on here?” interjected Butler, who wasn’t quite sure what was happening, and was still in shock from the interdimensional transport and subsequent teleportation. “Can’t you see?” replied the other human, “We’re on a completely different world, inhabited by a sentient race! Just think of what this could mean for science, and- for profit.” He added this last part with his trademark vampire grin. “And am I the only one who has noticed has noticed that these new sentient creatures are small, brightly colored ponies?” “But of course not. It simply seemed obvious and irrelevant to remark upon. Think about the situation for a bit. You’ve met Foaly. He’s a centaur. May I inquire as to how a centaur is easier to believe in than a technicolor pony?” “I’m sorry,” said the mare they had been completely ignoring; “but would you mind if I took notes? This is all just fascinating! And did you say centaurs? Do you have centaurs where you come from? I’ve only heard about them in legend. They’re supposed to be part pony and part something else. Is that what you two are, the Something Elses? Oh! I should probably write Princess Celestia. She want to hear all about this. . .” Twilight levitated a quill and a piece of parchment in her telekinetic aura and began to write furiously. “Would you mind repeating that with more coherence?’ responded Artemis, who was almost tempted to speak just as enthusiastically from the sheer exhilaration of the discovery of it all. “I only caught the part about you reporting my arrival to some princess. . . and that I simply cannot allow you to do. Butler, please remove any and all communication devices from her.” The large bodyguard found this impossible, as he seemed to have suddenly developed the power of levitation, as well as glowing pink, and was hovering upside down unhelpfully a few feet above the floor. Then Artemis noticed that the field that was restraining Butler matched a similar glow emanating from a horn atop the pony’s head. The young human then noticed the similarity between the current aura and the flash of light that had occurred when when they were teleported inside. Arty’s insidious mind instantly drew the connection. “You’re a magic caster,” he said, “and quite a formidable one, too, I might add. Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot, or, hoof, as is no doubt your version of the phrase. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Artemis Fowl.” “And I am Twilight Sparkle.” responded she, setting Butler upon his feet once again, “pleased to meet you.” It didn’t take long for Artemis and Twilight to engage in an enthusiastic conversation of mutual education, each trying to gather as much information on the other as they could. Butler was standing near his principal's side, keeping one eye on the pony and the other on the lookout for snipers or bombs. Artemis was greatly interested in what Twilight had to say about magic. She didn’t realize this was because in the past he had in the devoted his life to discovering a magic-based civilization, and for all his research he had never reckoned on stumbling upon a second. All this magic was just Artemis’ forte, and he drank it in with the utmost fascination. Eventually Twilight began to wind down in her explanations, and offered to show Artemis one of her books, a proposition to which he readily agreed. “Perhaps you could help me with this one.” she said, “There are things in here which warrant investigation, but I can’t do it alone.” She led Artemis to table on which a book lay open, the very tome in which she had found mention of the new, mysterious, undiscovered Elements. Twilight explained the situation to him, neglecting to mention that she was forbidden to even have that book anymore, and then indicated a page. (She didn’t realize that Artemis would not have shied away from helping her if she told him it was illegal, in fact he would have rather enjoyed it.) He took a quick glance at the page. His mismatched eyes fell on one word: randomosity. “Where did you find this?” he asked. “On the shelf.” replied the scholarly pony. “I see,” mused the boy, “I think I’m just the one you need. Together we can help each other.” “Each other? Have you heard of these before?” “You could say that this “randomosity” is the reason I’m here. Quite by accident, I can assure you.” “So- are you saying you are here totally by random?” “Not exactly. I believe there is something behind this recurrence of the word. An intelligence, perhaps. Besides, haven’t you heard of Chaos Theory? Nothing truly is entirely random. But I can certainly say that a common theme found both in a book of magic and on the shirt that brought me here warrants investigation.” “Did you say a shirt brought you here? And what’s this about Chaos? Has he been causing trouble again?” “Well, that is the gist of what transpired, yes, except for the part about a male creature named Chaos. In fact, Butler, whatever happened to that shirt? I feel a closer study would be prudent.” Butler pretended to be too busy glaring suspiciously at a small purple and green salamander thing that was putting a pile of scrolls on a shelf and dusting a few of the more ancient tomes. In reality, though, this took up only a portion of his unconscious mind and he had took work to keep up the unsuccessful illusion. Finally he gave up and succumbed to the boy’s inquiry. “I don’t have it. I think- it’s still outside.” Twilight and Artemis were at a window in less time than you could say “D'Arvit”. They peered intently between the curtains and for any sign of the mysterious garment. The crowd had dispersed. and the streets seemed fairly empty. Just as they dared to hope, a mint green unicorn mare meandered into view. Suddenly she stopped and looked down. The as-yet-unidentified mare then looked fitfully back and forth to see if anypony was around. Wrongly satisfied that she was unobserved, she picked something up in her telekinetic aura and hurried off with it. It was the shirt. Butler and Artemis stood side-by-side at one end of the library, facing Twilight at the other. A book of spells stood open and a stand nearby and her horn glowing as she prepared to cast a spell. Butler had offered to requisition the stolen shirt, but Twilight had protested to either of the humans going outside and likely causing another disturbance. An agreement had been made, and Twilight agreed to work with them for their mutual benefit, after she turned them into ponies so they would blend in. This was what she was preparing to do now, to cast a transformation spell. The aura around her horn increased mightily in size and intensity, and a swirling cocoon of magenta light began to mold itself around the two humans. They began to lift of the ground and the magic enveloped them completely. A blinding flash of white began to emanate slowly from the transformational aura, accompanied by a mind-blowingly deafening silence. When everything subsided, Artemis and Butler were gone, as least as we knew them. In their place stood two ponies. The first and small one was a creamy white colt with a short, sleek, swept-back mane and tail, both jet-black. His right eye was a pale blue, while left was and amber brown flecked with green. His cutie mark was of a gold ingot crested by a grey banner on which was the Fowl family motto, Arum Potestas Est. The other one had quite a different appearance. He was an impressively large stallion with a red-black coat, short cropped tail, and no mane. An image of a handgun was visible on his flank. This pony was Butler, while the formerly described entity was in fact Artemis. The transformation was complete and obviously successful. There was one thing though. . . “How am I supposed to hold a gun or throw a knife with hooves? queried Butler intensely. “Well,” said Twilight, “If you were a unicorn like me, or, apparently, Artemis (eeyup, you heard me right, Artemis was a unicorn) you could use telekinesis. Pegasi can hold things with their wings pretty well, too.” “But I seem to be neither- wait, pegasi? Oh, never mind. I can worry about how to hold my weapons after I get a place to put them.” “I agree, old friend.” was Artemis’ remark. “At any rate, acquiring suitable attire is an endeavor on which we should no doubt embark upon without delay. It has been a good hour since I last wore a good tie.” Twilight had this to say: “I think I have a friend who can help you with that. Her name is Rarity. Follow me.” An extensive amount of time later, Artemis and Butler stepped out of the Carousel Boutique, fully decked out in new clothes. Artemis wore a white shirt with matching navy vest and jacket and a mauve tie. A pair of aviator sunglasses with bronze-colored lenses protected his eyes against the hypnotic effect of the mesmer, not that there was anyone here who could use it on him. Butler in turn wore a white shirt, jacket even blacker than his coat, skinny bloodred tie, and silvery wraparound sunglasses. His suit had been specially tailored to have an unconventional amount of pockets to hold his unconventional array of weapons. “Where to next?” he asked his charge. Twilight was the one with the answer. “I’ve already made a checklist. First we go to my house to collect the violent one’s weapons, then we proceed to the dwelling of Lyra Heartstrings, the mare who has your shirt, and requisition said garment. After that, I think our best move would be to consult with a friend of mine in- The Everfree.” “Everfree?” queried Butler suspiciously. “I’m not sure I like the sound of that. Just what it this- Everfree?” “Well, the ancient ponies called it “The Deep Dark Wood of Doom.” said Twilight helpfully. “Brilliant.”