Vlad smiled as the guards escorted Alucard out of the room, he was singing dubstep with perfect accuracy. The guard were ready to shoot him, but refrained until they could figure out a way to make it look like an accident. He was soon thrown into a cell, and still snoring.
“AH MOLESTIA!” Alucard screeched sitting up quickly before falling back and letting out another wub of a snore.
“OH GODDESS HE’S DOING IT AGAIN!” one of the guards shouted, the two guards sat at a table playing cards while shining armour bashed his head against the wall.
“WHY! DID! I! TAKE! THIS! JOB!” Shining said in between impacts with the wall.
“Can I have a glass of water please?” Alucard asked nicely rubbing one of his eyes with a hand.
“BUCK YOU! YOU’RE JUST GONNA MAKE THOSE GOD AWFUL NOISES!” Shining shouted, causing Alucard to just scoff.
“Pfft no I am not. I only do that when I’m knocked out.” Alucard said waving his hand in the air. He just sighed and leaned against his cell wall before looking around and saw a small stone in his cell so what did he do? Why he picked it up with kinesis and threw it at one of the guards.
“HEY!... Who did that?” The guard said looking around for what hit him in the head head. The guard next to him snickered and said.
“Wasn’t me.. but your reaction was priceless!” He said laughing.
“OH will you two shut up!” Shining armor growled out. “Just keep an eye on him. I am going home for the night.”
“Well this is bullshit.” One guard said as he watched their boss leave.
“You know he’s just going home to buck his wife.” The other said enviously “Lucky Bastard. What I wouldn’t give to spend a night-”
“YOU KNOW I CAN STILL HEAR YOU RIGHT!?” Shining shouted from down the hall.
“Say hello to Cadance for me!” Alucard shouted happily.
“HOW THE BUCK!? HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT!” Shining shouted angrilly running back with hot breath flaring from his nostrils.
“I saw the picture in your armor. Your shiny armor... That’s your name isn’t it! Shiny Armor!” Alucard said happily and pointing to the picture in his Shining Armor’s.. Armor.
(~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~)
On a small hill a small distance from a certain Butter colored pegasus, was Vladimer. He was building up his home, so that one: He could stay away from Alucard. And two: His conscience would not let him mooch off the Princesses. They were kind enough to give him a small piece of land that he could build on. They even said once he got his home up they would pay some contractors to build in some facilities.
As he brought the hydraulic blade down on the trunk of a tree Vladimir smiled, the tree fell to the ground with a thud. He wiped the sweat from his head before using the chainsaw attachment on his hydraulic engine to slice the tree in half. Vlad was almost finished building the small cabin when he heard a noise overhead.
“Um.....what are you doing?” a voice said, Vlad looked up to see a cyan pegasus hovering over the nearly complete building.
“Building my new home.” Vlad said as he lifted a log onto his shoulder, he climbed up a ladder and began laying down the framing for the roof. “Can’t live in the street” he grunted.
“Why are you cutting down the everfree forest?” the cyan Pegasus asked, Vlad grunted as he lifted another log.
“Only using these.” he said with a smile, he pointed to a small grove of trees.
“Do you need help?” The pony said with a smile, Vlad nodded and pointed to a pile of shingles
“Could you start putting these on?” Vlad said pointing to the frame that was finished on the other side.
“Sure!” the pony said “Oh by the way I’m rainbow dash!”
“Vladimir, you know what I am already comrade?” Vlad said, Rainbow nodded as she tried to grab the shingles “Let me get that” Vlad said using his kinesis on the large pile. Rainbow began to do the shingles on the roof. The small cabin was taking shape, Vladimir had retrieved a case of Cossacks from the crashed shuttle as well as some more supplies. He and Rainbow Dash downed half of the case of Vodka in under an hour and Vlad was trying to balance a nail on his nose when Twilight found them.
“Uh Dash whats up with you and Vladimir?” she asked, Vladimir stood up and staggered.
“H-Hey comrade Twilight, we were j-just uh...” he stammered “What we doing?” he asked looking at dash
“Uh I don’t know! H-hey Twi! Wanna sip of this?!” Dash replied.
“Uh I’m good thanks.” Twilight said nervously. “Exactly how many bottles have you two drank?” Dash and Vlad pointed to a large pile of empty bottles of Vodka. “More importantly, where were you stashing this?”
(~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~)
Alucard was sitting in his cell humming a random tune. The guards were simply sitting there playing a game of poker while making sure that Alucard didn’t do anything stupid. They continued their game before they heard something rather disturbing.
Silence.
They both glanced at each other before looking back at the cell. They couldn’t see anything from their angle and one of them sighed. They looked to each other again before picking up their spears and going over to the cell. As they neared it, they couldn’t hear anything still. They walked over and looked into the cell to see-
“BOO!” Alucard shouted at the top of his lungs as he slammed against the bars with his visor turned red. The guards both let out loud mare-ish screams as they dropped their spears and grabbed each other. Alucard, on the other hand, was on the ground cackling and laughing like a maniac while he changed his visor back to it’s normal blue.
The guards just looked at him before looking at each other and blushing before moving away from each other. They glared at Alucard before picking up their spears and walking back to their poker table.
“Oh come on you two! I was just kiddin’! Not like I am gonna eat you or anything.” Alucard said still slightly giggling. The guards just grunted in response before Alucard just went back to his humming. “Wonder when I can get out of here... Meh, I will just ask one of the Princesses when they come and see me... If they come and see me.”
(~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~)
Now several cases of Vodka sat empty and the fire had died down, Vlad was passed out in the small cabin. Dash and Twilight had managed to get home. Slowly Vlad opened his eyes and like a switch being flipped his head throbbed. It felt like an Anvil was being pounded on in his head. Groggilly he pushed through his Hangover and walked outside to see the mountain of empty bottles of Vodka. He picked up a half empty bottle and gulped down the remainder of its contents. After about an hour of nursing his hangover he got up and walked around to the other side of the cabin to get some more wood and to his surprise he found Celestia standing in all of her regal glory.
“Hello Your Highness, May I help you?” Vlad said rubbing sleep from his eyes.
“We need to talk about a certain... Someone.” Celestia said.
“Who?” Vlad said still unsure
“Who else is the only other of your kind?” Celestia deadpanned.
“Well you could mean Slayer or Sally.” Vlad said just testing the princess
“Both of which are dead, sadly.” Celestia said in a sympathetic voice.
“That leaves me and....” Vlad said slowly putting his hans behind his back and grabbing his Pistol.
“Yeeeeesss? Come on Vlad, you aren’t this dence.” Celestia said. “Also if it makes you feel any safer he isn’t here.”
“Who isn’t here?” Vlad said with suspision, this obviously this couldn’t be her.
“... Alright you are just toying with me at this point. I am talking about Alucard. We need to talk about him.” Celestia said.
“Very well, continue.” His mask closed and he whispered “Run Identitiy Test”
“Well to put it simply, he has been causing a bit of chaos in the castle. Attacking guards, biting a few, stealing weapons.” Celestia began listing off.
“Hmm let us see what Comrade Alucard has to say about this.” Vlad put his hand up to a button on his helmet “Alucard I’m here with Princess celestia...”
“Oh hey Vlad!... Wait a minute, Celestia has a twin?” Alucard said looking at the Princess. “Because she is right here.”
“Njiet but thank you for clearing this up.” Vlad Pulled the pistol he had in his hand up to the Imposters head “Who are you? REALLY!”
“Okay! Okay! You caught me!” The imposter said before a green flame encompassed the figure before she turned into a black chintin looking pony with holes in her hooves, insect wings on her back, and a jagged horn sticking out with a small crown behind it.
“Who sent you, Changeling. Speak clearly or I will hollow out your skull!”
“I am queen... Well former Queen Chrysalis. I guess just Chrysalis now.”
“Alucard run the name Chrysalis byt Celly.” Vlad said into his microphone
“She heard it. She is the Queen of the changelings. She attacked Canterlot a while back, but was defeated. From there she lost all of her changelings and now is simply either the last of her race or only has a sum of ten or five Changelings left.” Alucard said sounding way out of character.
“Excellent, What does Comrade Celestia want me to do with her?”
“Hold on she is just arriving at my cell.” Alucard said. “Okay she just wants you to keep a eye on her. She is gonna send a guard to come and bring her here. Sooo yeah. Just don’t kill her and you will be fine.”
“Understood.” Vlad said with a smile
“Oh yeah and she can shape shift.” Alucard said before cutting the call.
“Soo you try to fool Vladimir? Not Smart Idea.”
“Oh please. If you were hungry would have done the same.” Chrysalis said rolling her emerald eyes.
“Hunger is a weakness Like Pain, I eat Pain. Infact I could have a feast just by shooting you in the leg right now.” Vlad said, the inner demon of his was awakening
“And I can just feel the love seeping out of your words!” She said sarcastically.
“Good Comrade very Good.”
“Just please. Let’s just sit here until I am take noff to be thrown in a cell.” She said laying down in the grass.
“Alucard will be happy to have new friend to torment.”
“I am assuming you are talking about your quirky friend my spies tell me about?” Chrysalis said lifting her head.
“Quirky yes, Friend? Not so much. But he will just love you, if you have any information we want to know he will have you speaking in matter of minutes.”
“Really now? Good I am hungry still. Also he speaks fondly of you. Quite a bit actually.” Chrysalis said lowering her head onto her holed hooves.
“Obviously you do not know much of the inner workings of Alucards Mind.” Vlad said, he saw Twilight and several guards approaching in the distance
“Do you?” She asked.
“Unfortunately, yes I do, He is a pyromaniac, he likes to kill things with axes, he snores Dubstep and he is almost unpredictable to the unknowing passer by.” Vlad said with a smirk under his mask.
“Hmmm. He sounds familiar.” She said closing her eyes.
“You speak of the Pink one, Da he is very like the Pink one.” Twilight came over the hill to find the two figures.
“Chrysalis.” Twilight said, her words dripped with contempt
“Mmm Twilight. How’s your brother?” Chrysalis said opening one eye and smiling.
“You will be quiet now!” Vlad said pistol whipping Chrysalis and knocking her out. The guards hoisted her onto their backs and then Vlad and Twilight followed them to the castle.
(~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~)
Soon Chrysalis was thrown into a cell with a certain Human as she just woke up.
“Ow. My jaw.” She said rubbing her lower jaw a bit.
“Yeah he will do that to you sometimes.” Alucard said from his corner of the cell.
“Good to see she is awake Comrade Alucard, tell me how have you been?” Vlad said as he appeared almost out of nowhere
“VLADY! I am doing great. How are you?” Alucard said going to the cell bars and hanging his arms so they dangled outside the door.
“Da, is my name do not wear out.” Vlad said with a shit eating grin
“Oh poor Vlad. Lived with americans for so long and still can’t get the vernacular down right.” Alucard said shaking his head.
“Just begin the interrogation, Comrade Celestia we are about to begin.”
“Excellent” Celestia said as she too appeared out of nowhere
“Oh so I am interrogating the holely one?” Alucard asked looking at Chrysalis.
“Da.” Vlad said with a sinister grin “Have fun you two.” He laughed as he picked up a box containing Alucards “Stuff”.
“Oooh. My gear! My I have it?” Alucard asked.
“Da, except for guns.” Vlad said
“You are taking Sally and Slayer?” Alucard said with his voice going a bit dark.
“Not my descision but Shining armor’s.”
“Oh... Remind me to punch him when I get out of here.” Alucard said going back to normal.
“Already on it.” Vlad said making a small note on his RIG.
“Thanks. Now uuh.. Just put the stuff in the cell I guess.” Alucard said gesturing to the door. Vlad opened the door and slid the gear in, he was wearing a new uniform based off of the old Soviet Designs. He looked surprisingly menacing with it.
“Huh.. Nice outfit.” Alucard said as he went to his box and began to look through it.
“Thank you! Comrade Marshmellow Pony Made it! Said it Brings out my Powerful side!”
“Very nice. I just have this suit and the clothes under it.” Alucard said shrugging as he pulled out his Axe.
“Will have Marmallow Pony make similar one for you.”
“Naw, thanks. I don’t like russian designs as much. No offense of course.” Alucard said as he pulling out a lighter and some string.
“I will leave you to your work comrade.”
“Heh thanks. Now, guresome or just plain awful?” Alucard said looking through the boxes contents.
2 minutes later....
“SOMEPONY GET ME OUTTA HERE!! PLEASEE!!!!!” Chrysalis shouted.
“Hahahahaha We are just beginning Chrysalis! Had enough already?” Vlad said with a sinister smile.
“YOU ARE ALL CRUELER THAN IMAGINABLE!!” Chrysalis shouted.
“Thank you! Alucard hit your head on that wall!” Vlad said.
“But I don’t like pain!” Alucard shouted back.
“Would you rather she go unpunished?”
“What did she even do anyway?” Alucard asked.
“She harmed Comrade Celestia as well as most of our other Comrades.
“Yeah but she lost almost 96 percent of her race. Isn’t that punishment enough?” Alucard asked.
“Only 96 percent?”
“Yeah! Those ten that weren’t smashed, squashed, splattered or just killed on sight are all that is left.” Alucard said opening his cell door. “And you forgot to lock the door.”
“Nijet comrade, It helps to show the Prisoner they could’ve left anytime they wanted. Farewell chrysalis. I will return in an hour for my own interrogation.”
“Well... Now she can’t.” Alucard said looking back into the cell.
“Pain...” Chrysalis whimpered out.
“Again what are we integrating her for!?” Alucard shouted.
“Information on her remaining forces, as Queen she has the ability to lay eggs. Celestia told me about how fast they replenish their forces.”
“Well she can’t now... Kinda.... Stomped the reproductive organs.” Alucard said looking back into the cell. “Looked painful.... Very durable bugger ain’t she?”
“I hurt.” Chrysalis said plainly.
“You may be hurt Chysalis but You still are hiding information we want. I will break you one way or another.”
“You want information? Why didn’t you just say that!? I literally have nothing left to hide! I will tell you where we hide! I’ll tell you what we eat! Just for the love of Celestia... Get me some water.” Chrysalis said.
“Alucard finish up here, I will notify the Princess.” Vlad said slighlty deflated. It had been a while since he had interrogated anyone.
“Okay! Just uh... How do I do this?” Alucard said. He walked in before coming out with a beaten and bloodied Chrysalis in his arms. “Sooo. Just take her to Celestia ooorr... What?”
“Da, take her with us, we will have words later.”
“Hope you know, once Celestia is done with her, she is just gonna let her go... Or throw her in jail. Either or.” Alucard said shrugging and walking out of the room with his Axes attached to his hips.
“I will change her mind.” Vlad said as he brushed some dirt off of his uniform, the group walked to the throne room where celestia gasped at the sight of Chrysalis condition.
“What? He said be gentle.” Alucard said plainly. “I did almost everything except gut her while she was alive. Then put it back in.”
“…..... Oh faust.” Celestia said bringing a hoof to her mouth
“Whaaaat?” Alucard said. “Vlad has seen it when I get ‘rough’ with someone. And he threw up.”
“You’re dismissed Alucard.” Vlad said
“Okay.” ALucard said turning around with Chrysalis still in his arms.
“Leave her.” Vlad said, he facepalmed
“Why does no one ever specify?” Alucard complained as he walked over and put Chrysalis on a pillow. “Get well soon.” Then promptly left the room with a smile on his face.
“You knew he would do that?” Celestia asked after Alucard was gone, vlad shook his head.
“Alucard is unpredictable, Is reason for Phsyc tests.” Vlad said plainly, he punched in a few buttons on his rig and several files appeared on the floor.
“He stabbed my with the hilt of an unlit candle...” Chrysalis groaned out. “Then lit it.”
“He was about to be discharged when the Scenario Five happened.”
“I see. I assume he was worse before he came here?” Celestia said.
“Da much worse.” Vlad said looking at Chrysalis
“Oh faust...” Chrysalis groaned out. “Never going to commit a crime ever again.”
“May not walk again either.”
“He stomped my organs. Of course I am not going to walk for a while.” Chrysalis said.
“Which Organs, perhaps I can heal them?” Celestia suggested.
“All of them. Except heart, lungs, and brain.” Chrysalis groaned again.
“Even?” Celestia said nervously.
“Eeeeyup. Ow.” Chrysalis said. “And I dread to wonder what ‘Rough’ is like.”
“I will leave you two to your chat.” Vlad said before leaving, as he turned an evil smile crept across his face
“Hello, Vlad!” Alucard said waving as he sat on a bench outside the throne room. Vlad nodded to Alucard before walking out of the Building. “Oi, where are ya going?”
“To get Vodka comrade...” Vlad said walking out.
“Can I come?” Said Rainbow Dash appearing out of nowhere.
“What’s Vodka?” Alucard asked.
“it is ethanol mixed with potato..” Vlad looked at Rainbow Dash “You can come with us comrade.” Vlad said with a chuckle.
“YAY! No more smelly dungeons! And I got my guns back!” Alucard said holding up both his Plasma Cutters then looking around and sighing. “I want to go cut something up...”
“Oh boy I get to hang out with the only guy whos 20 percent cooler than me!” Rainbow Dash said happily
“BACON!” Alucard shouted happily and jumping in the air.
2 hours later.....
“I love you guysh.” Alucard said hugging Rainbow Dash.
“H-hey you know what we should doo?” Rainbow asked.
“Get bacon?” Alucard asked excitedly and slurring his words.
“After that! We should go and prank celly!” Dash chuckled
“YAY! I got the greatesht idea tooooo!” Alucard said standing up.
“HAND GRENADE IN THE TOILET!” Vlad exclaimed gulping down another shot of Cossacks
“Before that!” Alucard said and taking the entire bottle of Vodka and partially chugging a third of the bottle. “I know! Let’s fling what’s left of our ship through the castle! It’ll freak Celly out!!”
“FIRST WE NEED TO BUILD GIANT CATAPULT!”
“Why do that? With this weird drink, I feel amazing!” Alucard said before picking up a rock and smashing it over his head. “See! All I need is a lot of rubber... And a forked tree.”
“DA IS GOOD IDEA!” Vlad cheered.
“I think Pinkie might have some rubber!” Rainbow slurred out.
“NOT CONDOMS!” Vlad said sternly
“No no no no... Although she does have those... But I am talking like rubber bands.” Rainbow said giggling. “Heheheh...Rubbers.”
“I don’t get it...” Alucard said tilting his head.
“Of course not dumby IS INSIDE JOKE!” Vlad said slaming his fist down on the bar table leaving a massive dent.
“Ooooh.... I saw what Changeling reproductive organs look like.... Weird stuff.” Alucard said falling onto the ground and laughing. “They are all green and stuff! HAHAHAHAAA!”
“DA AND NOW NO MORE CHANGELINGS! AHAHAHAHAHAAAA GOOD WORK COMRADE!” Vlad cheered again
“Oh no no, she can regenerate, but that just means more fun for me!!” Alucard shouted standing up shakily.
“Alucard as Vlad has said before you’re nucking futs.” Rainbow Dash interjected
“YES! AND I LOVE IT! AHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAA!” Alucard shouted picking up Rainbow and twirling around before falling on his ass. “HAHAHAHAA!”
“She is so SOFT!” Vlad said with a grin
“I wouldn’t know! I haven’t gotten out of this suit in like three days!” Alucard said cackling some more.
“Your Urine Cleaners must be almost depleted!”
“Yeah had to chang them like twenty times! Was a long trip ya know!” Alucard said before grabbing the bottle and drunkenly walking out of the room. “Come on guysh! Let’sh go get that rubber!”
“Da I am behind you!” Vlad said hoisting Rainbow Dash over his shoulder
1 short carriage ride and many bottles of liqour later.
“THIS IS SOOO GONNA WORK!” Alucard shouted pulling the wreckage back in the massive rubber band. “AND WHY AM I THIS STRONG!?”
“Igniting aft engines!” Vlad shouted as he climbed into the cockpit and began to slice through the support rope
“Rainbow! Give ush a count down!” Alucard said as he reached the Rubber bands pull back max.
“10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0! FIRE!” Rainbow shouted throwing a empty bottle into the wreck.
“AHOY MATEY!... OH SHIT I AM STUCK!” Alucard shouted as he let go only to find his suit stuck on a piece of metal.
“FIRING!” Vlad shouted as he cut through the last support rope, the shuttle flew at an alarming speed towards the castle
“I HATE AND LOVE YOU GUYSH!!” Alucard shouted as he was taken with the shuttle. “IF I LIVE THROugh this we are gonna have a taaaaaaalllk!”
The shuttle crashed through the large hallway making a loud scraping noise as it slid through the sleeping castle waking everypony inside.
“Wha-Whats going on out here?” Celestia said, the shuttle flew past her, barely avoiding a crushing of the Equestrian Leader.
“Oh hey Celly!” Alucard said from the floor as he slid by still stuck to the shuttle. “I will see you in a few minutes!”
“SHIT! END OF THE LINE!” Vlad shouted as the shuttle burst through another wall and began free falling down to the ground
“CAUSE I AM FREEEEEEE! FREEE FALLIN’!” ALucard shouted as he looked at the ground. “Hey! The Earth is trying to hug me!”
“Deploying Airbag!” Vlad shouted inbetween hickups, a large white airbag inflated and cushioned the shuttle as it landed. Alucard jsut fell to the ground and got up before throwing his arms in teh air and whooping in happiness.
“I WANNA GO AGAIN!” He shouted before he fell on the ground and cackled a bit more.
“AHEM!” A feminine voice said from behind
“Oh hey Celly! You look so pretty without all that gold stuff.” Alucard said looking up. Vlad meanwhile attempted to sneak out of the shuttle, but found himself caught in the Alicorn Princess’s magic. “It was Vlad’s idea.” Alucard just pointed to Vlad.
“Stop with the bolshevik we all know it as you!” Vlad shouted
“Says the guy who gave me that silly water!” Alucard shouted giggling. “It made me all warm in stuff.”
“BOTH OF YOU BE QUIET!” Celestia roared with anger
“Aw...” Alucard said as he opened his helmet and let it retract. “Are we in trouble?” he said sounding pitiful.
SEVERAL MINUTES OF STERN TALKING TO LATER.....
“And do you both promise never to do this again?” Celestia said.
“Yes Mom!” Vlad said still very drunk
“Wait Celestia is our mom? When did that happen?” Alucard said much the same way and scratching his head.
“Vlad stay here, Alucard you’re dismissed”
One Shipping Scene Later......
“And so that is how I lost my cat!” Alucard finished telling his tale to Rainbow Dash.
“Comrade Alucard?” Vlad said opening the door with a cigarette in his mouth.
“Yea buddeh?” Alucard said sobering up a bit.
“Gonna spend the night here.” Vlad said plainly before looking back inside
“Ah okay buddeh!.... I need water.”” Alcuard said before falling backwards and landing on the floor. “Ow.”
“Good for you.” Vlad said before closing the door.
“I’m just gonna... Go walk until I find a room.” Alucard said drunkenly standing up and somewhat walking in a straight line down the hall. He opened up doors as he walked by them.. “Nope nope nope. Cleaning closet. Bathroom. Closet. Occuppied. Ah!”
He opened up a door and walked in before stumbling over to the bed and flopping down. “Mmm. Silk sheetshh. Zzzzzz...” He said before falling into a deep sleep and grabbing the nearest soft thing. Which happened to be another sleeping Alicorn.
The Next Morning.
“Augh!!.... Head. Pain.” Alucard said holding a hand to his head. “What did Vlad give me? And why do I feel like putting my axe through my skull to end this suffering?”
“Umm... Can you let go of us please?” Luna said a bit uncomfortable.
“Huh? Who said that?” Alucard said looking around. A hoof tapped his head which caused him to whimper a bit before he looked down. “Ooooh... Hey Luna. What are you doing in this bed?”
“Well... For one. It’s our room.” Luna deadpanned. “And two. You stumbled into here and passed out and thought we were a ursa bear.”
“Ooooooh.... Welp back to sleep.” Alucard said before laying back down.
“What? NO!” Luna shouted but Alucard was passed out by the time his head hit the bed. “Damn it.”
MEANWHILE......
“Vladypoo? Wake up.” A nice voice said, the sleeping russian just groaned
“Augh five more minutes mom.” Vlad muttered as he put a pillow over his head, wait there were no pillows in a Stasis tube. Where was he, Vlad opened his eyes to see Celestia looking at him with a smile on her face. “Oh shit what did Alucard slip into the Vodka?”
“Oh nothing, just your natural hormones that did this.” Celestia said seductively
“AND A WHOLE LOT OF SOME RANDOM PILLS I FOUND!” ALucard shouted as he opened the door. “Naw, just kiddin’. Thought a certain someone would want some of these pain killers.” He held out a small bottle of pills.
“I am Russian, Hangover has no affect on me.” Vlad said proudly
“Wait about five seconds. The vomit will be with you soon.” Alucard said smiling. “Just don’t think of the nastiest tasting thing you will ever imagine.... Or me stomping genitals. Oh the pain.”
“Alucard would you mind.....?” Celestia said as she pushed the babbling human out of her room and closed the door.
“Oh right right sorry!... Hope to god you guys used rubbers. Or whatever they are called. Hurray for Sex ED class!” Alucard said as his voice faded into the distance.
and then (THE FOLLOWING SCENE HAS BEEN REDACTED!)
Let’s skip to Breakfast shall we?
“So I was all like ‘You can’t do that!’ then he said something like ‘yea I can’ Then I stabbed him sixty eight times in the chest.... With a toothpick. And my axes!” Alucard said to a random guard.
A female scream from Celestia’s room echoed through the breakfast hall. “I see Vlad is up.” Alucard said smiling as he munched on some toast. “Hope he knows the safe haven that is cold water.”
“Thats the eighth time today.” A guard muttered
“What can we say? Humans go for a long time.” Alucard said shrugging.
As if on cue Vlad in his dress uniform and Celestia walked into the room. “Morning Comrades”
“Sup blueballs?” Alucard said munching on his toast.
“Shut up, I need water.”
“Shoulda thought about that beforehand then huh? God Liquor messes with my mind. I feel so much more.... What is that word I almost never use?” Alucard said staring off.
“Sane?” Luna asked
“Maybe... I was going for... Calm! That’s it! I am by no means sane mylady.” Alucard said turning to Luna. “I am merely implying the fact that alcohol causes a hangover which in turn makes me act with somewhat rational thoughts.”
Everyone in the breakfast hall just stopped and stared at Alucard. “What?” He asked biting into his toast.
“Alucard remind me to get you drunk more often.” Luna said sarcastically, Vlad just sat and ate a ration he had on him.
“Oh can I taste?” Celestia said taking a bite of Vlads eggs.
“Those are eggs.” He said with no emotion, he heard a gag behind him and smiled
“You eat the unborn?!” Celestia Exclaimed, Vlad nodded.
“Taste the sadness!”
“Tastes like chicken!” Alucard said from behind Vlad.
“YOU ROAST THE UNBORN!?” Luna shrieked
“Well... Maybe? I dunno. I eat cats sometimes.” Alucard said shrugging.
“Cats are good eatin if you cook them correctly.” Vlad said shrugging earning another gag from celestia
“Meh, turn’em into jerky it all tastes the same.” Alucard said.
“Remember that one in ponyville? What was its name?” Vlad said with a grin
“I dunno... Wait what are we talking about? Ponies or cooking food?” Alucard asked.
“The cat we ate! Oppenheimer or somthing like that?”
“Oh yeah... Umm. Oh oh Opal I think?” Alucard said.
“YOU ATE OPAL!” Luna cried, Vlad and Alucard nodded simultainiously
“She clawed my face! And well... I hit her with my axe.” Alucard said sheepishly.
“Splains why it was so tender in the stew.” Vlad said happily, he heard Celetsia gag a third time.
“Um... Celly are you sick or something?” Alucard asked looking at Celestia.
“Yeah I can make you some soup alla cat!” Vlad said dying of laughter, celestia finally vomited on the floor.
“THATS NOT FUNNY!” She said
“Aw... All over my shoe.” Alucard said looking down.
“I...Im sorry! You soulda seen the look on your face! This isn’t real eggs! This is egg substitute! And I never ate Opal that was a stray!”
“... We didn’t eat that prissy little bitch of a cat?... I mean! Yeah of course we didn’t!” Alucard said looking from side to side.
“We’ll eat him later.” Vlad said hearnig another volley of vomit
“Aw... My other shoe.” Alucard said looking down again.
“Vladimir is not only good killer but epic comedian!” Vlad shouted as he slapped himself on the knee.
“Quite frankly good sir I find your humor a vulgar.” Alucard said completely out of character.
“Oh look at Mr Fancy Schmancy over here! Bad enough you got named after a freakin cartoon!” Vlad said still laughing, an empty bottle of vodka slipped from his shirt and rolled across the floor
“Oh yes like that is so bad. At least who I was named after had a sense of humor.” Alucard said smiling. Vlad got up from his chair and wrapped his arm around celestia
“You see this man is named after crazy bastard on television show. I remember when he explain why he named after it. Something to do with a microwave or something.” Vlad said his speech now a bit slurred, he wreaked of Vodka.
“The lady at the orphanage said I killed the doctor that helped my mother birth me!” Alucard said happily. “Then I killed the guard at the orphanage! And was sent to an insane asylum! Those people were nice.”
“If only you hadn’t been dropped on head as child!” Vlad said as he leaned against Celestia who was now smiling again knowing she hadn’t actually eaten eggs.
“I wasn’t dropped!... I was thrown out a window thank you very much.” Alucard said crossing his arms.
“WE HATH HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BICKERING! WE DEMAND THAT ALUCARD BE IN OUR BED CHAMBER IN ONE HOUR FOR A STERN TALKING TO!” Luna shouted in her royal canterlot voice. Celesita giggled as Vlad slipped and fell to the floor which had been cleaned magically.
“Wazzat?” Alucard said holding a hand to his ear. “I can’t hear anythin’.”
“SHE SAY SHE WANTS YOU IN HER BED!” Vlad stammered as he clambered to his feet.
“WHAT!? I CAN’T HEAR.” Alucard shouted.
“SHE WANTS TO FUCK YOU!” Vlad shouted as loud as possible
“WHAT!?” Alucard shouted again still deaf from Luna’s voice. “HOLD ON A SECOND!”
Alucard pulled out a single tube of a strange cyan fluid before he slammed it down on a needle on his RIG before it drained and he cracked his neck with a sigh. “Alright... Now I can hear again. What did she say?” Alucard said.
“SHE WANTS TO FUCK YOU!” Vlad shouted again receiving a quick slap from celestia followed by a giggle. Vlad had spiked his own eggs with vodka and it was having effects on the princess.
“Ooookay? I still have no idea what that means. But I am off!” Alucard said as he walked out the door. Luna looked mortified by the scene unfolding in front of her, Vlad staggered over to her and through his arm around her.
“Be gentle with him.” He said with a chuckle before staggering off to find another bottle of Vodka
“That was not what we were implying you drunken fool!” Luna shouted blushing like mad. The click of a firing pin made her stop shouting at the drunken russian and when he was gone she sighed in relief. Then Alucard came back.
(~*~*~*~*~*~)
“Wait where did I leave my axes. And my guns... Oh right! I left my axes in the ceiling!” Alucard said happily as he looked up and jumped up before he just simply looked as if he suspended himself in the air. “Oop.... It’s stuck.” Then Luna entered.
ONE MORE SHIPPING SCENE LATER......
(~*~*~*~*~*~)
Alucard came stumbling down the halls in only a set of Jeans and for some reason the helmet to his suit. He stumbled a few more feet before he found Vlad and sat down next to him.
“Hello comrade!” Vlad said taking a gulp from a bottle of dandelion wine
“I... I don’t know what just happened.” Alucard said sounding extremely confused.
“You’ve never fucked a horse before?” Vlad said drunkinly
“I don’t know what happened.” Alucard said from behind his mask.
“Hey take that mask off I think you make faces at me under there!” Vlad said with a chuckle.
“Well I do. But still. I am sooooo confused.” Alucard said taking the helmet off to reveal a rather ragged looking Alucard.
“Think of her as beutiful earth woman then imagine horse version!”
“... Are you supposed to use bed sheets like that?” Alucard asked.
“Only in russia comrade, it is illegal in every other part of world.” Vlad said offering a bottle of dandelion wine to his friend
“Huh... I am taking this.” Alucard said picking up the bottle and walking out of the room.
“THAT IS SPIRIT COMRADE!” Vlad said triumphantly before finding Celestia staring at him.
“I need fuel for the fire I am going to build.” Alucard said as he walked out. “Lots and lots of fire.”