After managing to get down off the rooftop I had climbed up onto, which was not easy considering I was trying to carry both an unconscious pony and a crossbow with me. Eventually I just decided to drop the object of lesser value and climb down one handed. A couple of seconds later the assassin slammed into the ground, which expedited my descent further when I realised his unconscious form made an almost perfect landing cushion.
Unethical treatment of prisoners? Maybe. Very ethical treatment of dirtbag pirate assassins? Also maybe. Life is full of these little moral uncertainties, some of which you don’t have much time to consider as you are leaping down onto the fleshy body of your living crash mat.
As I approached the group of Guards, crossbow balanced on one shoulder and dragging the assassin through the dirt behind me, I got a smirk out of Summer.
“So, I see the great pirate hunter bagged his prize.” She stated, running a curious glance over the pony I was dragging.
“Aye,” I smiled back, glad to see that her speech had gone okay, “And to the victor goes the spoils.” I hefted the crossbow into a two handed grip and looked over the weapon before letting out a grimace at it. “Nasty bloody weapon. Did you know that the crossbow was banned by the Pope? Apparently, it was a dishonorable, cowardly weapon and had no place in the ‘honourable glory’ of warfare.”
I got some confused glances from the Guard recruits for this. “S-sir?” The chubby pegasus managed to utter, “What’s a Pope?”
“Some kind of rabbit I think.” The griffin responded.
“Eat?” The diamond dog added his articulate, yet pleasingly concise, input.
The half-eagle shrugged, “Yeah, probably. Don’t know how they taste mind you.”
“Like chicken.” I said bluntly, cutting the conversation dead. The meat eating members of the Guard may have been fine with discussing such stuff but the ponies gathered were beginning to look a bit ill, although Summer had been around different species long enough for her distaste to be squashed by her sheer hardcore attitude. “So, we’ve got some Guards on our side now...that’s nice. Any idea what we’re going to do with them?” I asked Summer, ignoring the recruits completely.
“I have some ideas.” She responded with a mysterious grin before lighting up her horn and levitating a piece of paper over to me. “We’re going to need some supplies though. Reckon you can get us everything on that list?”
I quickly scanned the list before letting before whistling at the expense of the items present.
“Wow you sure don’t ask for much do you? Some people would spend a lifetime trying to get some of this stuff all nice and legally.”
“It’s not going to be a problem for you is it?” My surprisingly cunning unicorn friend said with a sickly sweet grin. She knew exactly how to manipulate people.
I was so proud that I had to struggle to prevent the tears of joy from escaping.
“Nah, it’ll be fine.” I turned to the griffin and hefted the crossbow I had been holding at him whilst muttering “Here hold this for me will you,” before turning back to Summer, “It shouldn’t take too long, I’ll meet you at the docks in a couple of hours. That alright?”
She nodded back, “Yeah, that gives me and Iron just enough time to put these rookies through a crash course.” Putting extra emphasis on the ‘crash’ part.
“Sounds fun.” I chuckled as a visage of shared terror crossed the recruits faces. “Listen, before you go all Captain Hardass on these poor sods, you should have a talk with Iron.”
She looked at me confused, “Why? About what?”
“I think you know what.” I responded with a flat look, “I’m reckless, not stupid. I can see signs of what is going on right in front of me and I think you need to talk to him.”
She frowned at me before giving a slight, almost imperceivable, nod.
“Alright then, don’t take all day.”
I turned around and began to walk out of the Guard compound, throwing one hand over my shoulder in a casual goodbye as I left. The note in my hand drew my curiosity again and I glanced at it, seeing the price range of the items again. Letting out a resigned sigh, I decided to get to work...right after I did a little personal shopping.
“Hey there,” I said as I walked into the carpenter’s shop, “Got another job for you.”
The old stallion looked up from his work with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, “Not another spring-powered prank box is it? How did that work out by the way?”
“Like a charm. Your little device was instrumental in getting rid of a notorious and dangerous pirate,” I let out an easy grin, “In a hilarious fashion I might add.”
The carpenter chuckled softly, “I’m glad to do my civic duty, especially when it gets rid of some of those damn pirates. So, how can I help you today?”
“Little bit of a speciality item actually.” I said, drawing my deck of cards from a pocket. “I was wondering if you could make a special holder for these, something designed to be hidden up my sleeve. It’s also got to have some springs that can fire the top card off when I flick my wrist.” I showed him what I meant by moving my wrist forwards and backwards.
“Hmmm, well it’ll certainly be a challenge.” He said, examining my arm and the cards with a critical eye, “How exactly were you planning for this thing to work?”
“I dunno,” I shrugged at him, “I tend to leave this stuff up to people who actually know how to do it. However, there is one silver lining,” I reached into my coat and drew forth a pouch of bits I had stolen earlier that day, “I can pay you well for your professionalism.”
You could practically see the old pony’s eyes light up at the sight of a decent pay day, “Well, in my professional opinion, it’ll be a complicated project...and will probably cost you a pretty penny.”
“That should be fine. In a way I guess you could say that the city is paying for your work here.”
It’s a novel way to look at pickpocketing. I was technically doing the work of the Guard here so my earlier actions, those that most would call ‘thievery’, could actually be seen as very forward-thinking tax collection.
I’m not a thief, I’m a civil servant. You would be surprised how often the two professions share skills.
After finalizing some design choices with the carpenter, as well as having him measure my wrist and cards for the fitting, I left the shop to get back to the work that had actually been set to me.
The dress parlour was, predictably, very very frilly. It was so incredibly frilly that I’m surprised that the shop hadn’t grown sentience, put on a building-sized dress and sashayed its way down the street. The inside was pink enough that, should a pony be coloured pink, they would go completely unseen among the natural camouflage.
This, it turned out, was the tactic the fashionista who owned the store had adopted for hunting the prey she called customers.
My initial foray into her lair confused me as the store appeared to be completely empty. After looking round for the owner a bit, and finding nothing, I gave up and was about to walk out when I almost bumped straight into a smiling pony. Evidently her pink complexion had allowed her to go completely unseen among the interior of the store which, combined with her overly happy grin, put me in mind of the movie Predator.
I really hope that I don’t end up as a gleaming skull on one of her shelves.
“Hello there valued customer!” She practically shouted at me, sheer joy exploding from her voice.
“Erm...hi?” I replied, slightly taken aback by her enthusiasm.
“Greetings!” She said, her smile becoming a bit rictus looking in how fixed it was, “We here at the Beauty Boutique value each and every one of our customers.”
I began to suspect there was something behind this and decided to inquire a bit, “If you don’t mind me asking, exactly how many customers do you get here?”
Her grin wavered before falling entirely, allowing her face to return to a more natural, and far less terrifying expression, “It’s been a while,” She admitted with a sigh, “No one wants pretty dresses when pirates are running amok. Well, except for those rich prats in the Upper District, but they all prefer to order from designer shops in Canterlot.”
I grinned and pulled out another pouch from my coat, almost identically similar to the one I had just given to a certain carpenter. “Well it’s your lucky day. I would like to order a dress.”
She gave me a quick look-over with a professionals eye, “A dress eh? That’s very...modern for a stallion.”
“It’s not for me!” I blurted out, slightly too quickly. “It’s for...a friend.”
“A friend eh?” She gave me a conspiratorial wink, “Whatever floats your boat honey. Any specifics on what type of dress you want.”
“Something feminine?” I hazarded with the best of my ability. My fashion sense isn’t exactly the most honed sense I have. In fact, I’d say its right down at the bottom, just next to common sense. “Perhaps with a parasol of some kind?”
“Okay,” She frowned, “I think I might be able to work with that. Celestia knows I’ve had less decisive customers. How soon will you need it?”
“As soon as possible.” I stated, jangling the bag of bits to emphasise my point.
She eyed the bag appreciatively, “Well they do say that money will get you everywhere.”
“Really? I thought that was flattery.”
“That too...but the money always helps.”
Can’t really disagree with that. Money always helps.
“Alright then,” I said, snapping us both out of our daydreams of money, “If you could deliver it to the docks when its done, that would be great.”
She gave me an absent-minded nod as she turned to a tool covered table with a smile on her face, apparently happy to be working on a commission for once. I left the money on a table and quietly walked out, as happy to leave her to her work as she was to be doing it.
“Rats?” The pony asked with a deadpan expression.
“Aye, rats.” I held my hands out to an appropriate size, “About so big. Preferably grey furred with, you know, pink tails.”
“Yeah, I know what rats look like. I’m just curious to know why you want some. Not many ponies want rats as pets, they tend to be seen more as vermin than best friend.”
I’ll freely admit, the pet shop owner was possibly the most difficult pony I had dealt with so far today. It would take all of my wit and charm to win this pony over and convince him to give me the animals I needed.
In response to his inquisition, I placed a bag of bits on the table, one noticeable smaller than the ones I had used to pay the carpenter and the dressmaker.
I guess money is a perfectly acceptable substitute for charisma. The noble ponies who I’d robbed for all this money certainly proved that.
Just like that, all curiosity seemed to die in the pony as his mind filled with thoughts of making an actual sale. If there’s one thing that all the shopkeepers in Manehatten have in common, it’s that they’ve suffered harshly under the pirate’s regime. Less than five minutes later I was walking out of the pet shop with two angry looking rats in a cage, which I was holding as far away from my body as possible. Those little bastards looked bitey and I didn’t want my latest accomplices filling me full of teeth marks.
“I’m going to call you Iron,” I said, pointing to one of the furious rodents, “And you can be Summer. Yeah, I can’t see any problems happening with those names.”
Whistling softly to myself, I carried on my journey, heading towards the docks.
The docks are still a mess after yesterday’s fight, which was to be expected considering the general negligence of the city. It’s not like the pirates are going to employ janitors to keep the place nice and neat. Thankfully, the remains of Thick Skull’s ship had apparently sank to the bottom of the harbour, so at least I don’t have to look at that ugly mess. Also, Thick Skull himself still hadn’t shown up, so that was another ugly mess I was spared from having to look at.
I was currently watching from the shadows of an alleyway as various small vessels loaded and unloaded cargo. My eyes scanned the rather pathetic collection for a suitable mark, though the universe wasn’t exactly being forthcoming with easy targets. Some of the boats were too small, some too large, others were filled to the brim with potentially violent ponies.
I think I now know how Goldilocks felt...except with ponies instead of bears.
Of course, this led me onto the tangential thought of ‘What if My Little Pony was done with bears instead?’ They could be bears that are really concerned about others around them and instead of Canterlot they could have a city called Care-a-lot. Oh, and they could also have Cutie Marks but on their stomachs instead of their flanks.
Shit...I think I just made up the Carebears.
I was snapped out of my daydreams of bypassing copyright law to make millions from my new idea ‘The Bears that Care’ by the sound of a shouting coming from further down the dock. Curiously, I observed one stallion, presumably the captain of the vessel on which he stood if his fancy hat was any indication, giving what some would call a stern talking to, and others would more appropriately name a ‘complete bollocking’, to a rather young looking sailor pony who had apparently dropped a barrel. From listening in on their conversation I managed to pick up the words ‘Gang Plank’ and ‘guts for garters’, which led me to a simple assumption that these kind folks were, in fact, pirates.
Well I guess I have my mark then.
“Excuse me!” I called, stepping out from the shadows and walking over to them at the brisque pace usually reserved for busybodies and government officials. “I say! Excuse me sirs!”
They finally turned to look at me as I hurried over to their ship. “What?” The captain shouted, none too politely.
“I’m sorry to interrupt you gentlemen but you simply can’t unload your cargo quite yet.” I called up to them, concealing the rat’s cage behind my back.
“What?” The captain repeated himself, “On whose orders?!”
“On the orders of the Manehatten Board of Health and Safety.” I replied calmly, channeling my inner bureaucratic asshole. “We’ve had reports - disturbing reports mind you - of ships in the area bringing in rats. Rats of all things! Filthy disease carrying vermin.”
The captain leapt from his ship, revealing himself to be a pegasus, and flew over to me. “Rats ya say? I ain’t got no rats aboard me ship. I keep her spick and span I’ll have you know.”
“I think I’ll be the judge of that.” I replied, looking down my nose at him, “We found these little blighters earlier today you know.” I pulled the cage out from behind my back and thrust it towards the pony, who stumbled back at the sight of the rodents inside clawing at their confinement. “Disgusting little vermin aren’t they? Apparently, some of them grow big enough to eat a foal in one bite. I’ve never seen such a thing of course but I have a buddy down in Stalliongrad who says they grow as big as alligators down there.” I shook the cage slightly, getting angry hisses and more clawing from the rats inside. “Although, these little ones don’t need size to kill you. A single bite from a disease carrying rat like these two and before you’ll know it your body turns against you.” He took a step back and I advanced to kill the gap, “Your lungs start to fail and your throat closes up. Black boils the size of snails begin to grow under your skin, squirming and moving around as though they were alive. Blood and pus begins to leak from places you didn’t even know they could come from.” I held the cage up to my eye level and inspected the rodents inside as though I was a connoisseur examining a fine wine. “They say that the victims of these diseases end up begging for death, but their illnesses refuse to kill them.”
“A...And what happens to them?” The captain asked nervously, all trace of the strong, macho pegasus gone. The threat of disease does that to people. It’s not something you can beat up, no matter how many muscles you have, and it can take the young and strong as easily as it takes the old.
“Well, usually a loved one, someone brave enough to approach the poor sods, tries to end their pain. Although, they inevitably end up contracting it themselves.” I gave a sad sigh and shook my head. “Eventually we have to burn down the entire house, just to try and stop the disease.” I paused for effect before looking up with an unhealthy smile on my face. “Tell me my good captain, do you have family in the city?”
Surprisingly, the pirate nodded, “Yes, a daughter.” He said, his voice nearly breaking at the thought of what could happen to her if disease did get loose in the city.
“Ah, well after a quick screening of you and your crew I’m sure that she’ll be pleased to see her old dad safe and sound from his travels. Your ship, of course, I’ll have to impound for a couple of days whilst I get some lads from the Department to give it a thorough search.” I gave him a conspiratorial wink, “After all, you can’t be too careful when it comes to these things can you?”
He was quick to agree with me, “No, you really can’t.” He said in his wavering voice. “Please, do anything you think is necessary. Except...” He paused and looked around nervously, “Well, you shouldn’t really go poking around in the cargo barrels. For your own safety.” He returned my conspiratorial wink with one of his own, his eye moving so rapidly I thought he might have some kind of nervous tic.
“Of course,” I lied through my teeth at him, “Discretion is my middle name.”
The rest of the process was simple. After giving each member of the small pirate crew a quick once over and pretending to know how to actually find diseases in fur, I let them go on their merry way into the city, leaving me with their ship. I leaned over the rail and looked out into the sea, admiring the view from the helm of my new boat.
Now just to enact the rest of the cunning plan.