I stare outside and look at my kingdom. It's nice, nothing wrong, at least nothing that anypony knows about. The more I think about how great Equestria is, the more I think about our problems... my problems. I try to convince myself that I'm okay. Princess Celestia is strong, I am strong. It doesn't work.
I'm immortal, sounds great, but being immortal isn't all it's made out to be. You go day by day watching loved ones die... at least it feels like days.
I turn to Spike, the only person left in my life who I really know. Though when I look at him, all I can see is them. The purple of his skin makes me think of Twilight… she was so important to me. The green of his scales makes me think of the green in Rainbow Dash's mane... she was so brave, she was a hero. The white of his teeth reminds me of Rarity's beautiful white coat... so beautiful, so generous.
All animals or butterflies are Fluttershy... so, very kind. All balloons or parties are Pinkie Pie… so full of life. Of course, all apples are Applejack... so hardworking.
The friendship they brought has made my life better. Though, it's bringing much pain to me now. They were so special... so special.
I try to force myself to forget about them while I work, but when I visit my subjects, I see them. Unicorns, Pegasi and Earth ponies. They're all there, but when I see myself in the mirror it's the hardest… alicorns.
Spike, my little ponies, myself... I just can't seem to get away from the past. Everything is the past, so if I forget the past, everything and my sanity would leave. My sanity is low, but that's one of the only things I can hold on to, now.
Twilight was a princess, but wasn't born a princess. Twilight was meant to die like everypony else. Spike always tells me about 'the circle of life'. I don't want to believe it, but I have to.
We were alike in many ways. Both of us were smart, funny, loyal, honest, kind, alicorns and princesses. I cherished her and everything that she had to offer. Twilight Sparkle represented the Elements of Harmony so perfectly.
Thinking about them is so hard. A tear trickles down my face. I begin crying. I cry for so long, I don't know how long though. Minutes? Hours?
Either way it doesn't matter, I still cried. I thought it would make me feel better, but it made me feel worse... letting it come over me like that. I turn to Spike, he's stroking my vibrant mane, trying to make sure that I'm okay.
Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Fluttershy were like my daughters. I can't have real daughters, I'm a princess and I don't have time, even though I want one. They were all I had and I lost my 'daughters'. They were also my friends and my family. The circle of life is just so terrible.
The world is just so cruel. The way life reminds me of them at every turn is evil.
"Spike." He turns to me, I can tell that he's surprised... I haven't talked for so long.
"Yes, Princess Celestia."
"You always talk about how there is a circle of life. Where is my circle?"
"You will age just like everypony else. You might not die, unless something bad happens to you, but you still age."
"Bu-"
"You have a circle, you've grown... Tia."
Suddenly, I remember my childhood. My fun with Luna, playing with mom and dad, being stupid and being a free spirit. I remember just recently -at least by my standards- playing pranks on Luna and having fun with the ponies of Equestria.
"You know, it's hard on me too. Everyday I have to grieve with the loss of my boss, my best friend... and my mom. I've known her my whole life. I know that this is emotional and probably the worst thing that I'll ever have to go through, but I need to be strong and not go insane... for them."
I take in what he said and then hug him. I need to focus on the good times, like Spike said... 'for them'.
I pretended sipping my tea with Mr. Cake and he spilled it, I had a fun time at the Grand Galloping Gala once it wasn't insipid and I got to watch Twilight become a princess.
I remember when I first met Twilight at the magic academy interview. I knew that she had so much potential from when I first met her. I also remember a very special night, perhaps my favorite night. The night after the gala when we sat down and hung out. Being with them was unforgettable.
"I've lived a good life Spike, so have you. You grow slower than ponies so you have to watch loved ones die too, but you Spike, have the gift of fatality. I know it's scary, but I don't want to be immortal. If I had at least Luna and Discord, I would be okay. They are immortal too. Just my luck, Luna's evil again and this time won't come back for maybe a millennium. I miss her so much and I miss hanging out with her. She's my sister, I have to deal with the extreme pain I feel in my chest when I think of her. Discord went back to his evil ways, now he's a statue. He was a handful, but he brought laughter to ponies with his crazy antics. I have tried so hard to stay happy, but it's too hard."
I smiled at Spike, that smile had been gone for so long. "I'm not happy, but I`m not dead inside. I will go with the flow, watching others die. I will resume my duties and I will try to deal with this. They will always be in my head, but hopefully I can try... just try to handle my pain."
I grab my crown off of the wall and put it on my head, it reminds me of them so it`s hard to get passed that. Spike snuggles up to me. We lie there for a while. I have only two thoughts in my head.
I will miss you. and Everything's going to be okay.