“So like I told you, the matter is concluded.” Connie casually ate from her cheesecake, looking quite relaxed and content with herself.
“So... what happened up there? Gossip with me some! Come on. You spent a lot of time up there. A bit more time than it ought to take to tell him to kiss your undertail. Did he do some more ear stuff? Because it's really bordering on an obsession.” Fireclay practically whined at Connie, her dessert nearly forgotten.
“We had a civilized, adult discussion, made possible by her majesty softening him up for civility, if you know what I mean.”
“Her majesty's voice can certainly tenderize anyone, but it must have really been amped up to knock the road apples out of Blueblood like that. She probably hired DJ P0n-3 to rig up a sound system to make it that much more powerful. I heard she was being arranged for.”
“I wouldn't say that exactly but it was at least pleasant. We ironed out the difficulties, I figured out why he was fixated on my ears, we had it out and a proper, civil solution was arranged. It's nice to have closure on the matter.”
“I guess...” Fireclay looked down and picked a bit sullenly at the cheesecake wedge before her. “I know it sounds selfish and maybe a bit creepy because of the chance of him hopping on your back all of a sudden but I'm actually sorry it's over. It was a great way to get up gossip, and the weirdness made for some great conversation in the sauna. Now I'll have to use my emergency 'ask Rose Topaz if she ever had to knock a guy in the gem pouch' conversation starter to add some excitement to sitting around and sweating.”
“Live the dream, Fireclay, live the dream.” Connie rolled her eyes and took another bite of cake. “Seriously, don't you have your own life to provide your weird stories or do you live vicariously through the rest of us?”
“When I need weird stories I go on a date. Speaking of...” Fireclay popped her eyebrows and winked. “I've never dated a jenny before, and you're single.”
“What a great lead-in line. Why do I think that I need to have you investigated for being creepy in the bedroom? I almost hesitate to ask how many pieces of rubber and plastic you own, and what forms they take.”
“Come on, you know I'm a lot of fun, and after all this Blueblood nonsense you could probably use a night out. And if there's some night in action isn't that just better?”
“I'm gonna pass, Fireclay. I'm just not into you that way. You're a friend and a good co-worker but I don't want to date anyone right now.”
“If you say so.” Fireclay returned to her dessert then looked up and gave a smile. “Worth a shot, right?”
“What about Rose Topaz? Weren't you going to see about getting up to some mischief with her?”
“I'm holding off on that. She's just... I don't know. She's too special for me to just leap up and ask for it.” Fireclay shrugged and looked aside.
“Well thanks for that one, I'm not specia-” Connie halted in the middle of her wounded grumbling when a thought struck her and she gave Fireclay a huge smile. “You like her! You really really like her like her! Oh my goodness that's fantastic! The great Lotharia actually has a real crush!”
Fireclay looked on, deadpan, with a gargantuan blush also reddening her umber face. “Are you done yet?”
“Wait, one more.” Connie let out a huge, braying laugh that echoed a little bit around the kitchen. After clearing her throat and fluffing her mane a bit she settled down. “Okay, now I'm done. Sorry but... you asked for that one.”
“Maybe I did and maybe I didn't... still, it's true. With my reputation it won't be easy selling a little romance to her. Maybe I ought to just give it up and keep going with the plastic and rubber.”
“No! No! Well... yes, you'll still need that but you can share them with someone you love. There's no reason to just give up. Show some backbone and actually go for what you want.”
“I guess you're right.” Fireclay reached across the table and nudged Connie playfully. “Look at you after confronting Creepyblood. Somejenny sure grew a set of robust ovaries today.”
“I'm a donkey. I am loaded with ovarian fortitude. But let's just eat. I've gotta get back to work. You probably do too. After all, Lime Sherbert knows where you work, and it isn't here.”
At the mention of the name Fireclay's head came up and she looked around with a paranoid energy. “Right, right, keep your voice down. Just eat faster.” The fork fairly flew as Fireclay stuffed her gob with cheesecake, much to the grinning delight of the more sedately-eating Connie.
“Great-auntie, I thank you most graciously for allowing me an audience.” Blueblood bowed low, his body protesting the motion. He bowed to nopony! Yet he did. To his great-aunts, and if Connie would allow it, to her as well.
“Tush! Spare us thy pickthank tales, young nephew. Are we not made for suits and audiences? Aye, our time be overmuch stuff'd with such tedium. In sooth, we do thank thee for thy call for audience. All other suitors were canceled so as to give all time and attention to thy presence.” Luna sat straight and regal on her suit-receiving throne, looking down on Blueblood as he knelt inside the alabaster square for petitioners.
“I am only too happy to serve you. Better that than be yelled at...” Blueblood laughed softly and shook his head a bit. “But I have a serious matter I must discuss with you.”
“Aye, hath our maid told us previous. Thou hast left thy fondness in dust and rust to be consumed to naught. Now shalt thou take this sweet and innocent jenny out to the light of all, to be caught in the beams of the eyes of all our domain. We did not anticipate it should e'er be thus, but in all trueness, we are much pleased with thee, nephew. Blood art thou not, thou art princely titled, but thou art now of princely cast. Mockest thou the like of a true prince, and it speaketh much good of thee. In what wise may we aide thee and thy tender jenny?”
It took Blueblood a moment to answer, as he parsed and translated what had been said so he could confirm he was still in Luna's good graces. “Well, great-auntie, you see, she wants a proper date, and I have no experience with such...”
“Hold thy tongue, young churl! Insolent scapegrace! To tell such tales before our very ears! What hast though heard of the loose-tongued? How canst thou imply we have some knowledge of how one courts?!” Luna treated Blueblood to a dose of her glaring and a small lick of the Royal Canterlot Voice.
“What? No, great-auntie! I haven't heard anything, I am saying I have no idea how to date and I can only guess from what has been in books. I needed advice on good restaurants and a good performance.” Blueblood cowered on the ground, too shocked by the sudden mood swing to wonder about what rumors he had been missing during his mooning over Connie.
Luna's features fell into a very quick twist of her lips and a sudden widening of her eyes. Fortunately, her features were back to normal by the time Blueblood happened to look up to her. She coughed very casually into a hoof and adjusted her attire with a nervous energy. “Put from thy mind all that thou thinkest thou hast heard. Twas naught save thy fancy, a touch of the moon as hast been said. Thou hast need of food and diversion? 'Tis a passing fair choice. Shall thou be much pleased by this. Well do we know of grand eateries who would take of thee thy letters of credit, lest thou should need of us some stipend to grant this joy to thy donkey dearest?”
“I have funds sufficient for what I understand are the usual prices of restaurants that would serve as a suitable place for us. I find I have so much more in my accounts when I am not buying friends and... intimacy. Any suggestions you can give me would be greatly appreciated.”
“Shall we send to thy chamber a most exhaustive list with all we do know of them, that thou may select at thy leisure with full comprehension of all features and offerings. Thus will thy bellies be filled. Now to thy minds... aye, the sublime pleasures of theater and thespian. Each performance house hath by nature its own delight, and by each troupe may thou experience some new facet of the well-chiseled jewel of the playwright's art. Be thou led not astray by these nobles and all their tum-headed foppery. Believest thou not that there may only be proper acting of the grand palaces of the nobility, as Urbi et Orbi. Any theater may possess charm and more may present a face as yet unknown and unpraised, yet no less grand. As well there be much charm in troupes not seen fit to play 'pon stages set afore the peers. The play's the thing, as 'tis said.”
Blueblood did his best to hide a slight smile. “Yes, Lime Sherbert did say that you would wax quite poetic on the subject of theaters and performers. I don't want to set the wrong tone for our date, so perhaps I should avoid anything too grim, and of course stay away from anything too... intimate.”
“Thou hast not very much remaining with restraints as thou hast placed. Into each drama must come a touch of the grim, else there be naught to sustain. And in all comedy must come some flavor of the bawd, else how may it be styled comedic? Art thou not mature? May thou and thy dear lady jenny not sit and listen as the entendres fly yet still not be inflamed with lust? Surely thou may bear a two hour traipse through land of drabs and beccos yet end with chaste kiss 'pon innocent lips and retire thou to separate chambers?”
“I suppose you are correct, great-auntie. There's no harm in a little naughty humor from your day. It has survived this long and very likely will continue on to the future. And I know that thanks to your influence those kinds of productions are everywhere. Though... meaning no offense to you, I have to say that I will need to see it in a big and glittering theater. It was not my idea. Connie said she wanted something grand, a royal box where she could be seen, to ensure I was not simply hiding her away.”
“Aye... aye, thy better half doth speak good sooth. Thou art not shamed by her presence, thou shalt find much joy as she sit by thy side that all may see and envy thee thy fortune. May they wail and gnash teeth in impotent rage as they see thee content and glorified by presence of this jenny. This should be and so it shall! Well do we know of what production may thou find to be of much diversion. The players may be arranged, as thou may need them. Shall thou have sister's royal box, and shall we hear no objection. Our own box be not suited to thy purposes, 'tis too occult. May thy companion be hidden within, not displayed. 'Tis of suitable character for our devices... but let that pass! Tell us but date and time thou wilt be 'pon the town with Connie and shall we arrange actors and stage for thy amusement.”
“I have not decided yet. I wanted to be sure that I was ready. That I would not make an absolute idiot of myself by taking her to the wrong place or to the wrong show. I have already made more mistakes than for which I should be able to be forgiven. Her continued interest in me is nothing more than a sign of her generosity, or perhaps her desire to be entertained by my fumbling buffoonery.”
“Nay nephew, she doth only shew her great perspicacity and sagacity. She hath capability to see within thy bulk, beyond air and pretension, beyond rumor and innuendo, to the small and trembling truth within thee. Her vision doth rival griffins in sharpness if she may see so deep within thee to such a target of size that it be. And thou must needs be grateful. She hath seen the truth within thee and doth choose that thou shalt be by her side, at least in this instance. She doth see within thee some element that doth suit her. Thus you become suitor and suitable. Shew thou this princely countenance as thou hast in this audience and she shall remain by thy side.”
“I certainly hope so. I will await the restaurant list. Once I have chosen a place, and a day, I will inform you, so you may arrange the entertainment.” Blueblood rose from his supplicant position and turned to step off of the alabaster square. He turned around again and gave a smile and nod of his head to Luna. “Thank you, great-auntie, for all this help. I don't know what I would do without you.”
Luna waved him off casually, with a smile on her face. “Fie, fie young nephew. 'Tis ever as it must be, that wise mares do arrange the romances of their fond and flighty stallion relatives. This hath not changed in a thousand years, howe'er much males have advanced in society. Shall this be a grand affair, and shall thou be most happy as it concludes.”
Blueblood blushed a bit and turned around again. “I know, I will. Thank you again, great-auntie.” With that he slowly trotted out of the room.
“I've had a lot of bad dates. I mean, a ridiculous number of bad dates. And ridiculously bad bad dates.” Connie sedately sipped a cup of tea inside a nicely-decorated living room, casting her eyes around appreciatively. While it was small, it was at least a separate room, with attached kitchenette and breakfast nook, sans picture window, and a door to the bedroom. “I would, of course, like to avoid that this time. I rather like this one.”
“Not something I expected to hear about Blueblood.” Lime Sherbert sat across the table from Connie, smiling and setting a pastry on the plate near her. “But then, I've come around on other scoundrels... errr, forget I said that. So, you've had a series of losers, have you?”
“I would like to be kind about it, but I can't. To be as blunt as possible most of them were there on a dare or to put the punchline on a joke with their friends. Even when there was an earnest one they couldn't get past these things.” Connie lifted up one ear and sighed. “Even to donkeys they're a bit much.”
“Sounds like a severe failure on their parts. It takes a good dose of maturity and clarity of thought to do more than look past your ears but even to embrace them and admit that they are not a deal breaker or might actually be beautiful... once again... I never thought I would say it of Blueblood. This is a strange time to be alive.”
“With time, distance and reflection I can see that all these jokes we all make about Blueblood are terribly unfair. Yes, he's annoying and has his strange ways. But they were shaped by his life. He shared some thing with me in confidence and I will keep that, of course, but it is enough to say that part of the blame is his upbringing. He really is not such a bad fellow. A bad kisser but these things take time.”
“Well, my taste runs to the pegasus set, naturally, and more of the 'chiseled, statue-like, trained professional' than the 'puffed-up, blow-dried pretty-colt' type. But I understand they can be reasonably popular. They seem to populate the covers of my magazines. So, if that's what you like, good on you.” Lime toasted Connie and grinned.
“Please try not to hold this against me but I stayed with my own species before this. Blueblood is the first pony I ever thought of that way. Yes, I know. I already expect him to be insufferable, no need to warn me to be prepared.” Both women laughed and clinked their teacups.
“As long as you are ready.” Lime levitated over a small snack. “Apple fritter? It is one of her majesty's favorites. May as well enjoy it while you can. He's not a big fan of carnival-type foods. He's not a big fan of a lot of things. But I guess there's a tragic backstory to that. Still, you might as well. He's going to just feed you rich, expensive, carefully-crafted treats, probably from Gustave and Joe. Wow. I'm talking down his choices but I'm just making it sound better.”
“Oh, leave it to me. I'll have him eating funnel cakes and drinking a juice box in a month.” They both shared another laugh and clink over that. “Really though... however this may go... I don't want to change him too much. Bring him out of his shell, clean him up a bit and make him presentable so the silly rumors can stop. Make a decent stallion out of him.”
“Admirable. But it almost sounds like you really don't think you can keep it going. You seemed much more confident before, even when you were deferring and scraping along. You told me 'no' to my face and made it stick even without looking me in the eyes. Do you really see this not working?”
“I don't know... what do I know about royalty? I'm a donkey, daughter of laborers. I've got my nerve and that's about all. I'm flying like an out-of-control pegasus towards a fate I never anticipated. I didn't want this, but I got it anyhow, as he rather eloquently explained to me. I don't know if I can sustain this. There are so many rules, so many odd complications and expected responses. Not from him, he's about as basic a male as they get, to my relief. But the rest of the nobility are not. You know very well that as servants we see them at their most needlessly complex, mendacious and pitifully ridiculous. And I will have to trot that world.”
“I won't lie, yes, you will. It's not like me. I'm also a low-terrace laborer moving among the palace heights, married to a Destrier in the Guard and being, for all intents and purposes, her majesty Luna's Lady-in-Waiting. The difference is, I can still be disguised as nothing more than a maid. I tuck myself away in the corner and see all. You other workers know I'm nothing of the sort but the gossip-worthy folk can't tell the difference. But you...”
“Will be at a prince's side, and if he holds up his end of the bargain, it won't be because I'm his personal valet. Their eyes... their terrible eyes will be all over me.” Connie let her trembling pass with a soothing bite of fritter and a sip of the apple-flavored tea. “But he already assured me he will suffer with me. I think I find that most comforting. He waxed almost poetic about their judging eyes and poison smiles. As long as someone understands.”
“You have convinced me rather well that he's a bit sharper than I would have predicted. But you're deflecting. Cut those folks out of the picture. You and him. You don't have the fortitude to stick it out?”
“I've got all the legendary donkey stubbornness you could possibly ask for. I have that in great supply. But the thing is, once all this is said and done... I'm scared. I was scared when I thought he was a monster, I was scared when I wasn't sure what he was and now that I know I'm even more scared.”
“Scared of what? You got him crying his eyes out over you. I'm willing to bet that you really hurt him when you shoved him off of you. Sounds like you've got everything that most mares look for in a stallion. He's got you on the brain, he's squishy and emotional and he wants to take you for dinner and a show. You'd be passing any magazine quiz I could give you right now.”
“I've known how to deal with jerky little foals and insincere adults and even sincere but weak-willed adults. I can't handle someone who is sincere, and also willing to prove it. What do I know about a functional relationship? I'm scared because... I think this pretty-colt idiot actually loves me! What do I do?”
Lime casually sipped her tea, a rather fake neutral expression resting on her face. “You just got a perfect score on the relationship quiz. Ooh, terrifying.” A small laugh followed, along with the clearing of her throat. “I'm sorry. I'm not trying to belittle this but... you're afraid he actually loves you?”
“I could lie, I guess. Say that I'm still worried it's an elaborate practical joke at my expense, but given the players in this game his 'joke' would result in his skin being screamed off and a quick trip to the moon. I could even lie and say that I'm afraid I'm just his fetish, like a hoof, or a flank, or really big teats. He kind of fixed himself on my ears before he said I was the whole package. But I don't feel like insulting us both with that kind of cheap lie. I'm afraid that I've been burned so much that I really can't keep a relationship going, especially under the pressure of spotlights.”
“Is that why you wanted to make it public? If it went badly you could blame something and get out clean?”
Connie worked up an indignant look but it fell quickly and she gave a snort over her teacup. “You're not pulling your bucks today, I see.”
“Not for this. You don't look for escape hatches in a relationship. All that really tells me is you don't want to date him at all.”
“I didn't. I was very content in my workaday world until he came along. I was done with relationships. Except for the occasional Harlequine romance novel.” Connie noted Lime's stare and rolled her eyes. “It was for relaxation. And maybe I liked how they ended. But that's fantasy. This is real life. Unicorn princes don't just trot up, give me rare gifts and laurel crowns and then say they want to sweep me off my hooves into the whirlwind of the aristocracy.”
“Except...”
“One did. I know. I know...” Connie heaved a sigh and munched on her fritter. “I guess I can't just run away from this one with a quick thought of 'I guess he's just a jerk.' He's trying hard. But I'm finding it harder and harder to be the one moving this along. I was all up for it, because a little piece thought he would back away. I should have known. He was the one that wanted me to stop calling him 'sir.' Then he wanted me to stop calling him 'Prince.'”
“I sort of accidentally on purpose caught part of your conversation. You seemed very sure of things. It reminded me of one of her majesty's plays, in a way. But you sounded like you were ready for this.”
“Of course. It's easy when it's all just a plan and your heart was just thumping with uncertainty and fear not that long ago... when you can actually consider it and start to dig into all those uncertainties...”
“Hey now...” Lime rose from the table and came around to pat Connie on the back. “It's okay. It's dinner and a play. If it doesn't work, you at least got me and her majesty thinking Blueblood is competent. That's a big step. Meanwhile, need anything to get ready? Mane-do, hooficure, pony-pedi, overbody styling?”
“Not until he comes down and gives the word. Wow... he's going to come down and ask me out on a date. What's the right response if I actually look forward to it?”
“Dark Skies seemed pretty happy when I accepted then gave him a nudge. Of course, we were younger, he was a gawky teen and he thought I was the prettiest mare ever. Given the slow pace of Blueblood's increasing maturity, that's about the level you're at. Just a quick nudge at his shoulder after you say yes. Stretch it out a bit, though. Give him a minute to sweat. Why not savor the moment?”
“I'm not very experienced with this kind of thing but I think you might be a bad influence.” Connie laughed softly and finished the last of her fritter and tea.
“So I told her I wanted to meet her in the spa again, but she sort of shot me down. She just wanted to burrow around in the mud baths for a while, rinse off and head back to her cell. I guess Diamond Dogs just have to get back to their roots now and then.” Fireclay leaned casually against a wall in the kitchen, chattering animatedly while Connie swept nearby.
“How did we even start this conversation? And what are you doing here? I'm pretty sure this isn't part of your assignment but it sure is part of mine. And I need to get to it.” It had been several days, of second-guessing, thwarted anticipation and a slow contemplation of Lime's advice. She was in a brittle mood.
“We started this conversation because you're my friend and I finished earlier. I've got nothing but free time and it was either come down here and chat you up a bit or retire to my cell and have some fun with my rubber, plastic and romance novels.”
“Ahh, that's right, I'm Plan B because Rose Topaz didn't go for it. I'd be flattered if I wasn't on edge and pretty brittle right now.”
“Oh? What's got you so fragile today? I figured life was sweet now that Blueblood was off of you. If you know what I mean.”
“Yes. You have all the subtlety of a buck to the face. I'm not exactly sure if he or I should be more insulted but right now I'm going for me.” Connie rolled her eyes and whipped the broom faster, creating a little swirl of dust.
“Come on! I'm sorry. You've never been this uptight before, least of all over making a quick Blueblood joke. Something's really got a hold of you.”
“Look...” Connie sighed and leaned on her broom. “It's nothing personal. I just... I need some time, alright? I'm on edge and it's going to stay that way for a while, u-”
“Ah, yes. Ahem. I do hope I am not interrupting important business. I have been warned about interrupting the work of palace servants.” Blueblood strode into the kitchen, putting on his much-remembered air of haughty self-importance, letting his accent be especially heavy. “I am here on a very important assignment.”
“Need me to call Lime?” Fireclay leaned in and whispered to Connie.
“No. I didn't need it the first time.” Connie strode forward, adopting her former sycophantic look and posture. “Sir? You are here on an important assignment, sir? Have you come to assess the quality of the cleaning, sir? I have been using a new suite of techniques, sir, which I learned by trial and error. Have they been found wanting, sir?” Only she and Blueblood could see the cheeky smile that she gave while he head was down.
A small chuckle rumbled in Blueblood's chest, the big unicorn allowing a small smile pass over his face. “No, no. I have heard many compliments on this new style. It must be very effective.” He cleared his throat and went back to his former imperious look. “I am here, specifically, because I have come to see you.”
“Me, sir? Then I suppose, sir, you know...”
“Next Tuesday, reservations at Ume to Ringo, six in the evening. A performance to follow at Urbi et Orbi, in great-auntie Celestia's royal box. Information on the specifics to follow, though great-auntie Luna assures me the performance will be enjoyable.”
“Next Tuesday, sir? Neighponese food and a box at the big theater to follow, sir?”
“At six, yes. Is this... acceptable?” Blueblood looked rather hopeful, and not a little worried.
Lime had told her to stretch it out. Make it last. Make him sweat because he wanted her so badly. He was there, like a gangly teen with cheap diner flowers and his dad's cologne, begging her to validate his daring. She remained there, head down, looking submissive and properly awed by the royal presence. She finally sidled up close, looked to the side with a blush and said, “Well then... I accept, Prince Blueblood.” She then gave him a nudge on the shoulder, sufficient to send him tumbling to the ground.
Blueblood sprang up with a cough, sweeping the front of his attire and smiling, his mouth almost popping into one that was exaggerated. He managed to turn before then and trotted off, calling back, “Then, we will meet again.”
Connie fairly hummed with nervous energy, shedding her fear and uncertainty with every shake and twitch. He really did it. The big, pretty-colt lug did it. Ume to Ringo was a hot spot, very much in vogue. Plenty of cruel, cold, hard, unforgiving eyes... and the theater! Celestia's box! Everyone would see her there. Everyone... “Hey!” Fireclay.
“Oh! Uh... guess I can't be your Plan B. I've got a date. Maybe try Ro-”
“No! You tell me what happened right now! Right now! I mean it!”
“F-fireclay, calm down!”
“No way! You will explain this... this... what is this?!”
Connie shuffled her hooves and thought about what she could possibly say. “He... was putting things on my ears because he had this stupidly powerful crush on me and he's basically a giant foal that thinks you get girls by putting bugs in their manes. We had it out, he got some nerve and now we're trying a date.”
Fireclay looked on her fellow maid, stunned. Her mouth took a moment to get back in working order but eventually she blurted out a, “Were you going to tell me?”
“What? Well, yea, afterwards I think everyone in the place would know...”
“No, me! Tell me! I thought we were friends, Connie! We chattered in the spa and joked about all the stupid guests that have come around. You laughed at me over what I feel for Rose Topaz and you... you couldn't even tell me that you and Blueblood... how could you?”
Connie winced. It was all true. “Look... I wasn't even sure what I thought of this. I was all up for it but it was also scary. You know I've had zero luck with dating. And now here's some stallion we all made fun of that thinks I'm the best thing since Chancellor Puddinghead invented pudding pie. What do I know about that? I just... you saw me. Waiting to see, waiting to know...”
“You should have told me.”
“I should have. It was dumb. It was ridiculously stupid of me not to trust you to, at least, keep the secret. I know you love good gossip but you know when to keep quiet.”
Fireclay came over to Connie and gave her a hug. “I'll hold off on the guilt for now. A bunch of bad dates means you're terrible at good ones. I'll give you some advice and set you up with my mane stallion. He's a Colt Cuddler, so you know he's good.”
“Well...”
“Oh no. More? Seriously, Connie?”
“Wait, gossip! I have a 'getting ready' connection already so I don't need any help with that but I have some gossip to share.”
Fireclay tried to remain indignant but she came up and lifted one ear. “Tell, tell!”
Connie looked around conspiratorially then whispered, “He's a really, really, really bad kisser.”