//------------------------------// // The Doll // Story: Taboo Feelings // by abdlpony //------------------------------// Sweetie Belle hated overthinking things. Sweetie Belle really hated overthinking things, which was why she almost always chose not to. Not overthinking, however, often allowed her two best friends to sucker her into absolutely absurd ideas that usually got them in trouble. Then again, overthinking led to anxiety, Sweetie hated anxiety even more than overthinking. Anxiety. That’s exactly what Sweetie Belle felt. It loomed over her for the past couple of months like a rogue storm cloud constantly raining on her mind. Her unease only worsened over time and keeping her thoughts to herself only exacerbated the problem. At times, it was like she was locked in the prison of her own emotions, everyday it became harder to shrug off and ignore. With a frustrated grunt, Sweetie Belle chucked the doll in her hooves onto the floor of her bedroom. The doll landed on the floor with a soft thud, and Sweetie Belle already questioned her aggressive action. Why she had thrown it was beyond her; it was just on the spur of the moment, so she just left it at that. Oh well, at least she didn't have to overthink it this time. Like every other time. The filly flopped her body onto her back as she slumped down on her bed, blankly staring up at the ceiling. She tried to lull her thoughts away, but it was to no avail. The unicorn filly let out another groan and tried her best to think of something – anything – to lead her mind away from those awful, guilt-inducing thoughts. So, she decided to think about school, seeming like the most innocent option. While school was something she did actually enjoy, she enjoyed it more so for the praise rather than the opportunities to better herself. Any, and all praise – whether it was from her sister, her parents, or even her friends – gave Sweetie Belle a marvelously pleasant feeling from deep down. Praise from her friends was okay, sure, but it had always seemed to be the adults in her life that made her smile. Or, at least, that's how it used to be. Lately, though, those pleasant inner feelings had started to emerge from... other sources. Other sources for which Sweetie Belle had started to – although reluctant to admit it – feel shamefully guilty. Even Sweetie Belle herself had yet to fully comprehend the meaning of these more short-lived and seemingly foreign emotions. As thoughts raced through her mind, Sweetie reached for her doll again, finding herself frowning. She hated frowning, but for some reason felt like it would help to sooth her glum mood. It did not. It only succeeding at making her feel even worse. Instead, Sweetie looked down upon the doll in her hooves and began to feel an immediate, familiar rush of euphoria. To others' eyes, the doll was nothing special; it was nothing more than a plainly-shaped, raggedy, old pony doll, made to comfort and entertain small fillies and foals. In Sweetie Belle’s case, comfort from the doll was exactly what brought upon the problem. But why was this such an issue? Her elder sister Rarity and even her mother still owned dolls, too. They still thought the dolls were cute, so what right did Sweetie Belle not have to enjoy her doll herself? Unfortunately, how she loved the doll was something that neither she nor her mother could ever fathom. At least, that's what she believed. Sweetie Belle then smiled nervously. Hugging the doll brought forth warm feelings, and that felt odd. Unfortunately she could never be honest with herself. Without honesty she had no clue what her feelings meant and why the doll made her feel so warm. When she was a foal and barely out of preschool she would often play with her dolls. They made her feel silly, and they were loads of fun but not like this. Memories of her younger years were foggy. Memories of her fellow crusaders, however, felt much stronger. Crusaders. Sweetie Belle felt that she would always be there for her friends. Her friends didn't exactly return the favor. They were never mean, or at least not in her opinion, but they had never questioned her on her odd feelings or her occasional quirks. They would just shrug it off as ”Sweetie Belle simply being Sweetie Belle" like she was just the slightly weird friend in their group. She was weird for occasionally excusing herself from a conversation when she had no need to use the restroom. She was weird for staring at random things. She was weird for laughing at most jokes, even from the colts. She was weird for keeping that doll in her room even when her friends came over to hang out. At that moment, she felt greatly conflicted. She wanted to yell at her friends for thinking that she was weird. It wasn't just some assumption. She had heard them on numerous occasions whispering about her. She wondered if anypony knew how sensitive her ears actually were, but that was beside any point. She wanted to be mad at them. She also wanted to throw the doll away, but she couldn’t. She would never throw her friends away, or the doll. She just wanted her friends to take an interest in her issues instead of the other way around, but that would also be the worst possible thing. "Stupid doll..." Despite her anger, she hugged it again. Each hug she gave the doll brought more feelings of guilt, but also more feelings of pleasure. Was that normal? She was almost certain that the answer was no. She felt that, as a pony, she was beyond weird and, despite the feelings of anger of being called weird by her friends, she was at least honest about that part. "I should go outside..." She chose to not move however. Staring down at the doll became her world. She was worried that by going crusading with her friends that she would do more weird things, or she would drive her friends away. It had never actually come to that, however, even if there was lingering thoughts of their oddest decisions. "Sweetie Belle, dear, are you in your room?" She heard a voice call, talking about her room, hearing that seemed weird. Their parents were always traveling and, over time, she had possessed two homes and two rooms. The room inside her sisters boutique, though, was mostly considered her real room. "Coming!" She threw the doll back and then sighed and put on a fake smile. She found her sister finishing up a dress order in the front room. "Right here." "There you are. What are your plans for the day?" "Hmm, probably going crusading." "Probably?" "Well yeah, I think I will... bye Rarity!" "...’Bye’?" The filly had ran out of the building far too quickly, and her sister knew something was wrong. Sweetie Belle headed for Sweet Apple Acres, the location of their clubhouse and the place where her friends would meet. Ten minutes later she found herself inside the clubhouse, debating what to do during their daily meeting. Her mind was everywhere except what she was supposed to be doing. "What if we... No, we already tried that," said Scootaloo, her voice trailing off. "Hmm... I reckon we could... Wait. Nope. Tried that too..." Apple Bloom's voice was far too similar to that of her sister's, which made Sweetie smile even more, but her thoughts were still in the wrong place. "..." "Equestria to Sweetie Belle!" Sweetie snapped right out of it, and gave her trademark sheepish smile and shrugged. They rolled their eyes at their 'weird' friend but thought nothing more. Weird was always the word; that’s what they thought or felt they were around her. Unknown to Sweetie Belle, however, that was what they liked about her. "So now what? We need some ideas to earn our cutie marks!" Scootaloo threw her hooves up in exasperation. "Hmm, we could um, help Pinkie?" Sweetie Belle squeaked slightly. That was another thing about her, her voice. When she was singing it was beautiful, but when she talked it was squeaky. Every single time she spoke, both fillies had to resist the urge to giggle out loud. It wasn’t considered mean to giggle at her, they figured, since they did love her in a way, but it was still funny sounding. "We’ve tried that before, Sweetie Belle." "No, we tried helping her cook things. Pinkie does other stuff ya know!" Sweetie often praised herself on catching smaller details. While both of her crusader friends assumed she meant throwing parties, she was actually talking about other stuff. "Hey that's right! We could get our party-making cutie marks!" "Ya!" Apple Bloom cheered. Just a cheer from her friends made Sweetie smirk. They were going to see Pinkie; that would certainly cheer Sweetie up. That was her plan and it was working, even if it wasn't exactly for the reasons that she thought up in the first place. "Well, let's go!" They boarded the back of a wagon while Scootaloo pulled them forward. Their Cutie Mark Crusader capes flowing in the wind. Sweetie loved the wind even if she hated the insane speeds they were forced to travel. However, there were too many conflicted feelings on what made her happy and she hated that. "I would love to help you three earn your party-making cutie marks!" Pinkie said. Sweetie Belle, for all she was worth, was stumped. It was one thing to not notice when they had arrived at their destination, but to actually not notice that she had walked up to the counter was troubling to say the least. "Cool! So what do we do?" The pink pony struck a serious pose while she twirled a fake mustache for a while. "Well first, you pay attention you silly fillies!" "But we are. Oh, Sweetie!" "Sorry girls." "Ugh, okay now what?" Scootaloo's patience was wearing out. "Just follow me!" Dozens of tasks they tried and dozens they failed. However, just being around the pink mare made it impossible for Sweetie to not smile, even at her own failings. Her friends, on the other hoof, were another story; they frowned a lot. She shrugged and just kept trying. Out of the four, only Pinkie had noticed that Sweetie Belle seemed to keep closer to her. It wasn't bothersome in the slightest, but it did seem odd. Was it for comfort? Maybe. Pinkie thought that was odd for a filly Sweetie’s age though. Several hours later, the fillies found themselves tired out. Resisting the urge to drop and sleep, they all left for home, but Sweetie paused before leaving. The party pony was busy cleaning up after their mess and was happy to do so. Sweetie stood before the party mare. "Hey, Pinkie?" "Yeppers?" "Um, do you need any help?" She was begging on the inside for Pinkie to say yes, but she knew it was a fools dream. The party pony was nearly insane with excitement on a daily basis but never rude. "Oh, you don't have to help silly. I'm good!" "Are you sure?" Sweetie said, her voice nearing levels of desperation. "Yep!" "Oh… Do you need help with anything else?" She had just plunged into pure desperation and it felt wrong. She wasn't asking to help the party pony to be helpful, it was for odd reasons again. And she did have her reasons, it just wasn’t as simple as kindness. Being so weird almost made her sick. "Um, I think I'm okay. Did you want to… hang out or something?" "Yes! I-... I mean, uhm... well, yeah I do! You're cool, Pinkie." This was the best excuse she could come up with. She didn't even know if the pony would value being called cool by a filly. "Heh, well, I guess we could hang out! But I'm kind of foal-sitting the twins later. Are you okay with that?" Sweetie nodded vigorously. Foals were cute after all. And the Cake twins were never bad. "Great! Then let's go!" There was no hesitation in Pinkie’s voice, but her brain was throwing red alerts all over the place. Pinkie wasn't stupid, far from it. Sweetie Belle had friends to hang out with, so why hang out with the mare unless she was either extremely bored or she had something to gain? Or even a problem that only the party pony could heal? Pinkie doubted that she could fix a deep rooted issue, but something was definitely going on. "Cool!" Sweetie had never felt more excited in her entire life to play with foals. She was definitely weird.