Part Two – Asking Me Lies
The sun drew faint slivers of light across the horizon, throwing the lone farmstead & accompanying structures that comprised Sweet Apple Acres into dim view. The unpainted timber veranda & walls of the house offered a muted reflection in return, the varnish capturing the fledgling rays and magnifying them, spilling over onto the adjoining apple orchid, its fruits absorbing the second-hand lighting & using it in the commencement of their daily photosynthetic ritual.
All of which is to say, it was sunrise on Saturday morning.
This outlook was familiar & comforting to Applejack, who alongside her brother Big Mac made the trip into town at the same time every week in order to set up their traditional apple stall for the weekly food markets. Much like her brother Applejack was a hardy, seasoned pony, one who would make the best of any bad situation; make lemonade from lemons, or whatever the apple-based equivalent might be. She had a light orange coat often matted with the slight coating of dust & sweat that typically accompanied a hard day’s work, and she hadn’t been seen without her Akubra hat for what felt like years.
It was a good thing that she had a strong constitution; anypony else may have been terrified by the story her brother was recounting to her. She was merely concerned.
“So you’re telling me that there’s a twelve-hoof tall two-legged critter who can talk, and he’s sleeping on Twilight’s floor right now.” Applejack’s accent was similar to that of her brother, the Texan twang trilling through the trees.
“Yep.” Big Mac replied monosyllabically, drawing out the initial letter as if it softened the blow somewhat. He carried a wooden cart behind him, resplendent with various apples looking to be sold.
“And you don’t know where he came from or how he ended up on our farm.”
“Yep.”
“And *he* doesn’t know how he ended up on our farm.”
“Yep.”
“Gee, you sure were more lively a few seconds ago.”
“I can’t tell ya what I don’t know, sis. All I know is he’s here now and he could probably do with some help settling in.”
“But why should we help? I mean, do we even know how clever this Anon character is? He might just be a cheap mimic or something, you know like a parrot.” Applejack prided herself on being an honest pony, and while she consequentially also thought of herself as a good one the twin concepts didn’t always mesh together perfectly.
Big Mac shook his head resolutely. “You didn’t hear what I heard. He told me & Twi about where he came from, and you wouldn’t be saying what ya are now if you were there with me.”
Applejack looked over at her brother quizzically, the apple train he was tethered to following surely behind. “If you say so brother, but I’ll believe it when I see it for myself.”
The two walked the rest of the distance to Ponyville in silence, their words giving way to the squawks & squalls of birds chattering amongst themselves to communicate that yes it was sunrise on Saturday morning, and the day was about to begin.
****
Hooves. You really weren’t a fan of hooves right now.
Twilight seemed to be an early riser, and the incessant clicks & clacks that followed her as she pottered about the house forcibly drove you from your slumber, causing you to unceremoniously flounder onto the floor, pulling & yanking at your bedsheets to try unsuccessfully to disentangle yourself. The noises cease, and you look up to see Twilight regarding you with one eyebrow raised.
“You okay down there?”
You jump up from the floor, the sheet following you & coming to envelop your body. “I could ask you the same question Twilight, you look like you’ve seen a ghoooost.” You raise your arms up menacingly.
She giggled. “Come on, I’ve put on some tea.” She nodded towards the kitchen, where a small, white & lavender floral-print tea set sat perched atop the table. You sit down and as Twilight comes over to join you you’re able to see out into the street from the window. Ponies dot the streetscape; flashes of blues & pinks & greens & yellows flicker in and out of the frame as they go about their morning business. A mauve pony with a light pink mane is out in her front garden, tending to her plants with watering can in mouth. A watering can really seemed like a poor choice if you had to hold the can that way; you’d be tilting your head to & fro and between that and the weight of the water it’d probably get pretty tiring. Back on Earth (Back on Earth?! Never thought you’d say that) people seemed to regard gardening as being somewhat meditative & relaxing; this didn’t seem to be either.
Twilight sat down alongside you. “What are you looking at so seriously?”
You point over at the mare in question. “That pony there, in the garden.”
“Who, Cheerilee?”
“Yeah, her. Why is she using a watering can?”
Twilight looks at you as if you suddenly had your IQ halved. “To water her plants, maybe?”
You shake your head. “No I mean, why is she using this particular device rather than something else? Surely it would make a lot more sense to have the handle be some sort of switch, where if you apply pressure to it while it’s in your mouth it opens a passage for the water to come out. Means you wouldn’t have to bother swishing your head from side to side to do the job.”
Twilight looks back towards the window and narrows her eyes, as if bringing the picture into greater focus will enable her to see the utility of the can. It doesn’t work; she leans back in her chair and scratches her head. “I don’t know Anon, I really don’t. I’d honestly never thought about it, but you’re right.”
You shrug your shoulders. “Makes sense; if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.” You pivot your chair to face her, scraping across the floor as you do. “So, battle plan. What are your thoughts?”
“Well, my first thought would be not to say things like “battle plan”. Us ponies aren’t exactly big on fighting if we can help it.”
“Operational agenda, then. Or The Fluffy Marshmallow Friendship Manifesto, that works too.”
“Well, the first fluffy marshmallow task we’ve got to complete is speaking to Mayor Mare about you. I don’t know if we’d have much luck getting you to Town Hall without attracting attention, so I can probably ask her to pay us a visit. For your part, you probably just need to focus on looking harmless.”
“How do I do that, exactly? My “I Love Ponies” t-shirt needs to be washed. Also, it’s on Earth.”
“It’s not rocket science; stay sitting down so you don’t tower over her, look relaxed, be friendly, the usual. It’s just something to keep in mind.”
“Gotcha.”
A knock at the door seemed to arrive with perfect conversational timing, as Twilight scooted over to answer it. You crane your neck out past the kitchen doorframe and see Big Mac enter the house, nodding at Twilight in acknowledgement as he does. He’s accompanied by a smaller, orange mare whose flank is adorned with three bright red apples. Guess it must run in the family.
She looks over at you and her ears prick up, causing the brown cowboy hat on her head to fall to the floor.
“Codsarnit.” You hear her mutter as she deftly kicks the hat upwards onto her hoof, launching it from there to land on her head perfectly. You stand up from the table and walk over to the door, where the three seem to have congregated.
“So you’re Anonymous then, are ya?”
“It was the hands that gave me away, wasn’t it?”
Applejack’s eyes relaxed, and she smiled slightly. “That and a couple of other things. Well, I guess Big Mac here wasn’t pulling a fast one on us.”
“You have enough apples for the stall?”
“Anonymous, one thing you’ll learn about us is that we *always* have enough apples. Always. Well we’d best get back to it; the markets’ll be opening up soon.” She places a hoof on your waist; seems like ponies are the touchy-feely sort. “I heard your story Anonymous, and it doesn’t sound like a good one so far. If ya need anything at all you know where to find us.” She turned on her hoof and headed in the direction of the town square.
“See ya ‘round, Anon.” Big Mac tacked on as he followed behind in slow, measured lockstep.
“It’s not always going to be that easy, is it?”
Twilight shakes her head. “Applejack’s borderline-unflappable. The rest of Ponyville, not so much.”
****
“So you don’t have hooves.”
“No.”
“And you don’t have fur.”
“I get a little around the chin if I leave it for a week, that’s about it.”
“And you don’t have a tail.”
“No.”
“But you can *talk*?!”
“Well that is what we’re doing right now.”
And you had been for some time, unfortunately. Mayor Mare was slumped in her chair in Twilight’s library, facing you with glazed-over eyes as if she simply couldn’t comprehend the situation. This theory was further given credence by the fact that you’d had this same conversation with her three times in a row.
Twilight finally saw fit to interject. “Mayor, I know this is a lot to take in; I don’t think we’ve had a new species turn up in Equestria in, well, forever probably. But Anon here is just as clever as you & I, and he needs your help to be able to fit in around here. We’ve only just returned Ponyville to normal after the parasprite swarm, do you really want another town-wide panic on your hooves?”
This seemed to get through to the Mayor, who sat bolt upright in her chair. “You’re right Twilight Sparkle, as always. There’s a lot of hoof traffic going through the markets this afternoon, perhaps we should address this right now so that Anonymous here can get on with living his life.”
“This afternoon? As in, this afternoon this afternoon?”
Twilight turned to face you with a hopeful smile on her face. “It’s got to beat holing up in here for a few more days. Besides, you’ll have to face everypony eventually.”
You sighed in as decisive fashion as a sigh can be. “You’re right Twilight Sparkle, *as always*.”
Twilight grinned at you, whilst Mayor Mare simply nodded politely; you had a feeling she would have rolled her eyes or sulked or some-such had she not held office at this point in time. But maybe you were being overly cynical; so far you’d been living in a constant state of surprise at the level of happiness that these ponies seemed to be in, it made sense that the Mayor of the town would embody these same attributes.
The two ponies got out of their chairs and made for the door and you followed suit, the Equestrian sunlight forcing its way through the doorway as you stepped out to realise your fate.
Fate, as decided by pastel-paint ponies. It could be worse.
****
The Ponyville Markets were pretty much a dead ringer for the markets on Earth, if a little more subdued. Street vendors hawked their wares to whoever was unfortunate enough to turn their heads at the wrong moment, ponies deftly weaved in & out of the maze of stalls clutching bags in their mouths, and a lone mint-green harpist plucked a gentle melodic backdrop that floated across the entirety of the scene. Of course it was also a lot smaller than the markets you were used to, less a sea and more a shallow pond. But it was still positively teeming with ponies, and that was exactly what Dr. Sparkle ordered.
At the left-hand side of the markets sat the Ponyville Town Hall, which had a small patio running along its perimeter. Mayor Mare stood at the mouth of the patio and turned to face the citizenry.
“Fillies and gentlecolts, may I have your attention please?” She spoke, and as it echoed out amongst the congregation their ears perked up and they turned to face her. It was funny how they hadn’t seemed to notice you as of yet, however the Mayor did seem to do a good job of commanding attention.
Also, *fillies and gentlecolts*?
Jesus Christ, how horrifying.
“We have a new colt amongst our ranks today, and I’d like to take the time to introduce him to everypony.”
The crowd looked with uncertainty amongst themselves, as if trying to spot the newcomer. Perhaps it hadn’t occurred to them that it might not be a pony at all? After all it sounded like humans weren’t found around here too often, so maybe they just saw you as part of the scenery? That said, if you say a bright-purple wide-eyed pony standing in the middle of the road you’d probably take notice. Then again, bright purple beats out beige for conspicuousness any day of the week so maybe you were-
“Eek!” A sudden yelp & a pointed hoof cut through your thoughts, as the market harpist pointed her bright-green hoof towards you. The other marketgoers looked in the hoof’s direction, and soon you were being met by a listless ocean of pointed tails & pricked ears, much like Twilight & Applejack had responded. The typical ruckus & rabble of any given cluster of individuals died away, and a deafening silence overtook them as you tried to make eye contact with everypony at once (I mean, they were all staring at you), tried to convince them that you weren’t dangerous or threatening, tried to-
“Ahem.” Mayor Mare’s calm, commanding voice cut through the tension like a superheated chainsaw through an Extra Soft brand of margarine (sometimes similes need a little emphasis) and your pony scrutineers all returned to their scheduled programming.
“His name is Anonymous, and I know he’s different – very different, in fact – but he deserves the exact same treatment as you or I. He’s been through a lot these past couple of days, so if you could help him settle in that would be appreciated. Any questions, anypony?” The last words were laced with a vague & intangible malice that results in absolutely nopony having any question whatsoever.
“Alright then, enjoy the markets & let’s hear it for our new Ponyvillian!”
Mayor Mare’s sentence is almost cut off by the sudden stamping of hooves, their collective impacts against the ground providing an excellent simulation of what a stampede must sound like. The ponies all turned to face you, their apprehension replaced with an apologetic acceptance. You assumed this must be the pony equivalent of applause and you allowed your smile to beam out amongst the assemblage, hopefully assuring them that the Mayor was right in her implications & that you intended to do right by everypony.
Your hopes were soon confirmed as you were swamped from all sides and peppered by a barrage of questions so thick that you couldn’t even begin to answer one before four others took its place.
“So what sort of pony are you, anyway?”
“What in Equestria are those long wriggly things on your hooves?”
“Are they worms? Gross!”
“Did somepony give you a bad haircut? A really bad haircut, all over your body?”
“Hey! My haircuts are first-rate!”
“Are you getting a neckache from looking down so much?”
“Looking down?! We’re just as good as you are, mister!”
“Enough!” cried out a certain purple unicorn, silencing the throng in an instant. Twilight stepped out in front of you and stood in a confrontational matter, meeting the eyes of anypony who dared to look at her. “Everypony go back to your business, it’s his first day in town and already you’re acting like a pack of wild animals.”
Heh, animals – it’s funny ‘cause they’re all goddamn it brain this is not the time for that.
Begrudgingly, the crowd parted and returned to whatever task had occupied them before your arrival. Some still eyed you with caution, but for the most part it seemed as though everypony had just been caught up in the moment. It was hard to blame them; if aliens had landed on Earth you’d have billions upon billions of people craning their necks inquisitively in your direction. At least here there was only like, a hundred.
Twilight turned to look at you apologetically. “Geez Anon, I’m sorry about all that. I knew they’d be surprised but I didn’t think it’d be that bad.”
You smile at her, softening her features in appreciation. “It’s okay Twilight, you didn’t plan this and you did a great job of fixing it.” You pause. “You didn’t plan this, did you?”
“Anon! How could you suggest such a thing after I took you in no questions asked and gave you a bed and-“
The giant, stupid grin on your face cuts her accusations short.
Twilight sighed in exasperation. “It’s been a day and already you know exactly how to get me riled up.”
“To be fair, it’s kinda fitting that anypony can read you like a book.”
That put a smile on her face. “I suppose you’re right. Say, did you want to eat something? We never really got around to it last night and I’m guessing humans need a little bit more than air to function properly.”
Suddenly the mental & physical exertion of the past twenty-four hours catches up with your digestive tract in the space of three seconds and you feel unquestionably, unfathomably hollow. Like pulling away the wallpaper in a room and seeing that termites have eaten the entirety of the supporting beams of your house and you only have one minute before the roof comes crashing down. It’s enough to make you want to sink to your knees in discomfort, which is exactly what you do, clutching your stomach all the while.
Twilight extends a helpful hoof in your direction. “Come with me if you want to live.”
You smile weakly and take it, letting her help you to your feet. “Lead the way.”
****
A gargantuan stack of pancakes lands on the pink table with a mighty thud, signalling its arrival.
“Thank you, Mrs. Cake.”
“It’s no problem at all sweetie, and welcome to Ponyville. This one’s on me.”
She makes a warm smile at you and disappears through the doors behind the counter. Twilight brought you to Sugarcube Corner, the local bakery, and you highly doubt that there’s a bakery on Earth as proficient as this one at looking like a baked good. The entire building has been made to resemble a giant gingerbread house, complete with cookie-cutter bay windows & mortar made from white icing. As the structure makes its way into view while walking through the streets any hunger you felt at the time would almost certainly have to at least double; good thing for you you were so ravaged by hunger at this point that such a thing wasn’t possible. Still, it probably helped a great deal with making sales.
That’s right; you were ridiculously hungry. No time for subtlety.
You roll the topmost pancake into a cylinder and down the whole thing in two bites, drawing a surprised look from Twilight, who was sitting opposite you with a solitary white-chocolate cupcake in front of her.
You grin sheepishly. “It’s been a while.”
“Hey, that’s how I eat ‘em too!”
The saloon-style kitchen doors swung open with a sudden crash as a cotton-candy pink pony sprung out from behind them. Cotton candy was a good way to describe her actually, her mane & tail bounced off her coat in a series of loosely-coiled ringlets that really did give them the appearance of spun sugar and oh God how did she get over here so quickly?
The pink pony bounced up & down in place excitedly about two centimetres from where you were sitting.
“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie, nice to meet ya!”
“Let me guess, you’re called Pinkie because you’re pink right?”
“Well my parents couldn’t exactly call me Orangey Pie now, could they?” Pinkie frowned in concentration. “Hmm, I guess they could. Maybe if they were colourblind or something. Wow, being colourblind must be awful! You couldn’t see how pink I am!”
“Thankfully none of us have that problem. My name’s Anonymous, nice to meet you Pinkie.”
“I know who you are, silly; I saw you getting mobbed by all the ponies down at the markets. Good thing Twilight was there to save you, you’ve really got to learn to stand up for yourself!”
“Why spend the effort when somepony else is willing to do it for me?”
“Well, maybe I won’t be so generous next time!” Twilight regarded you with a playful frown, turning her nose up at you.
You roll your eyes. “Thank you oh great & wise Twilight the Brave, whose abilities to dispel crowds will surely be passed down generation to generation through campfire stories & urban legends.”
“That’s better.” She replied, her frown disappearing completely.
“Ooh, camping?! I’ve never been camping! Can we go Twilight, can we?” It almost sounded like Twilight was her mum or something.
“We could I guess, but I thought you always liked to throw a welcome party for any newcomers we have around here.”
“It can be both! We can all go out to the forest and roast marshmallows and start a fire and tell stories and it’ll be so much fun and Nonny can meet the rest of the girls and-“
“Excuse me, uh, Nonny?”
“Anonymous,” Pinkie intoned your name in a dull, zombified accent, “is such a big & long name, I can’t keep calling you that. You’ve gotta keep up, Nonnykins.”
You had to admit, the frenetic pace at which Pinkie went about conversing was uplifting. “Alright, camping. That sounds like fun, I wouldn’t mind seeing a bit more of Equestria anyway.”
And with no further provocation, Pinkie sped out of the room & back to the kitchen, the saloon doors swinging wildly from the impact, her voice trailing off into nothingness as it disappeared into the hidden rooms. “Ooh, this is going to be great what should I bring? Is it gonna be cold? Wait we’ll have a fire, oh I love bonfires! I should tell the others, they’ll have to get ready – Wait! Do we need a tent? Do I have a tent? I’ll have to go shopping, oh I love shopping!”
“So, that’s Pinkie Pie then.”
Twilight nodded knowingly. “That’s Pinkie Pie. She can be a bit of a hoofful at first, but she grows on you.”
“Nah, I like her. I don’t get particularly excited about most things, it’s nice to meet somepony who’s excited enough for two. Or twenty, even.”
“You’ve got that right,” Twilight says as she takes a thoughtful nibble at her cupcake, “Say, Anonymous?”
“What’s up?”
“You…like me too, right?” She asked, the hopefulness in her eyes as obvious as her eyes were gigantic why on Earthquestria were their eyes so huge?
“Twilight, you said it yourself; you let me stay with you, you trusted me when I told you who and what I am, and you’re really helping me with this whole fitting in thing. That kind of reads like a list of things you’ve done for me, but it’s not about that; it’s a reflection of who you are. You’re ready & willing to see the goodness in things, and you’re ready to put your hoof on the line to protect the interests of others. That makes you a good person, and I like good people. Not to mention you seem to be doing a great job of keeping up with me and the hilarious things I say. So yes Twilight, I like you.”
Twilight stared at you for a moment before recomposing herself. “Wow, that sure was a mouthful.”
You shrug your shoulders. “Eh, I can be articulate when I feel the need.”
An almost impossibly wide smile stretched across Twilight’s muzzle. “Thank you, that really means a lot to me.”
“I’ve got a question though.”
“Sure, what is it?”
“Why *does* it mean so much to you?”
“That’s a bit of a vague question, Anon.”
“Well, I can’t say I know a lot about Equestrian friendships & etiquette and the like, so I could be mistaken here, but don’t you think life would be better if you simply assumed other ponies liked you already, and didn’t second-guess yourself? If you keep wondering “Does this pony like me? Maybe they don’t, oh gosh I should fix that!” then you’ll spend all your time modulating your behaviour based on who you spend time with and at that point, you’re not being you. Being authentic is important, and if “who you are” is nothing but a composite character of the pony you act like when you’re around pony X, pony Y or pony Z then a very good question to ask would be ‘Who is the real Twilight Sparkle?’”
Twilight’s eyes bulged as she processed this information. “That’s…that’s a really, really good point. I hope nopony else thinks that about me.” She cast her eyes downwards.
“Oh, I’m not saying I think you’re a dishonest pony or anything! Attributes like this can only really spring from good intentions, and moreover it’s pretty hard to craft a new persona. But there’s a chance you simply secede from your own will a little bit more than everypony else.”
She looked back up at you, a hesitant smile on her face. “I guess I’m still new to this whole having friends thing. I didn’t have anypony else until a few months ago, well except for my big brother of course. But family’s different; you can act like yourself around family and not worry about being judged for it. I suppose I just…” Determination shot across her features, galvanising her expression. “I don’t want to go back to how I was, with my nose too far into a book to be able to see what’s going on around me. It just doesn’t sound appealing anymore.”
You reach across the table and run your hand through her mane, lightly tousling the pink & purple hair. “Sometimes part of being friends is being able to lay your hopes & fears on the table and have faith that your friends will accept you with your baggage.”
Her smile grew a little bit. “Does that make us friends then?”
“It sure sounds like it. Now let’s get out of here, we’ve got a trip to pack for.”
You stood up and headed for the door, Twilight bounding behind with a definite spring in her step. “I think I have a letter to write as well.”
“Who to?”
“Princess Celestia, the ruler of Equestria. I’m on assignment here at her request, compiling a report on the nature of friendship. Every week, I send her a letter detailing a new discovery I’ve made in the field.” Studying friendship? It would be adorable if it didn’t sound so ridiculous.
“So this represents a new discovery then?”
“It is to me! I’m sure she’ll be really excited to hear about it.”
“Twilight, do you think you could do me a favour?”
“Sure, anything.”
“Think you could leave my name out of it? Between the whole this isn’t my home planet predicament and making acquaintances, I’ve got a fair bit going on. It’d probably make my life easier if the whole country didn’t know about me just yet.”
Twilight nodded, albeit with a hint of sadness. “I understand, although I’m sure the Princess would love to meet you. Maybe some other time.”
“Maybe.”
The two of you walked side-by-side back to Twilight’s tree-house, ready to prepare for the night ahead.