I opened my eyes, totally confused as to how I did so. I should currently be dead. REALLY dead. I did a quick mental calculation: me + out of control truck = dead.
Hmmm... perhaps I’m missing some variable, because I certainly don’t feel dead. Not that I know what dead feels like, but I’m pretty sure that you don’t need to breathe when you’re dead, and I was certainly breathing.
Once that I determined that I was indeed alive, I actually looked at where I was. It appeared to be some sort of... cell? Well THIS is ironic, I thought. The cop is in jail. This was not a traditional jail cell though; it looked like something you’d see in a castle dungeon. Stone floors and walls, a large set of iron bars blocking the entrance, and even the bed I was sleeping on was actually a pile of straw. Still, something still seemed off about the whole scenario, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. OK, calm down... let’s consider the various explanations, I pondered. I might have been drugged, kidnapped, and am now being held hostage by an evil dominatrix... nah. There aren’t enough chains for that to make sense...
Before I could continue my musings, I heard a feminine groan from a nearby cell. I rolled to my feet to investigate. It appeared that there were four cells arranged in a circle with one corridor leading out from the... dungeon, for lack of a better term. This layout allowed me to see all four cells, though the interiors of each were shrouded in deep shadow. The groan had come from the cell immediately to my left.
A woman came into the light. My initial reaction can best be summed up as: hotototototototototototototot.... She looked to be in her mid 20s, dark brown hair, wearing some sort of vintage military costume, and stood a few inches shy of six foot. Basically, a dream in khaki spats. She also appeared to be just as confused as I was with the current situation. Then she noticed me.
We stood there a few moments, looking each other over. I could feel her eyes moving over my body. She looked both intrigued and guarded at the same time. A few tense moments passed in silence before I took the initiative to break the silence.
“Ya’ know? It’s a good thing that you are already in a jail cell, because I’d have to arrest you for being so beautiful.”
The shocked look on her face was priceless. Did I mention I am a little bit of a troll? She asked, “W-what?!? You’re an American?” Oh. My. Gosh. British accent for the win.
“Whay yeh~es indeedee Ah ahm.” I laid on my thickest southern drawl. Seeing as how I was born and raised in the hills of Tennessee, it wasn’t that hard. The confusion immediately returned to her face.
“But wait, how are you here? Where IS here? The last thing I remember was the explosion...” she trailed off. So she had “died” as well...
“Well, the last thing I remember is getting run over by a rather large truck. Combined with your explosion, does that mean we are dead?” I mused aloud, “Hm, not quite what I expected heaven to look like.”
A new voice rang out, “So you perished as well? I guess this IS the afterlife then.”
A stocky man stepped into the light in the cell opposite mine. He was wearing... bronze armor and a skirt? Wait, I think I recall seeing that armor in a book on ancient Greece. Would that make him a hoplite? What. The. Heck.
The British chick and I shot the new guy a confused look. “You died at a costume party?” I asked.
“What? No. I fell at Thermopylae.”
Wat. My brain went into processing mode.
loading...
loading...
*DING*
“Hang on. You’re saying you died at Thermopylae, as in the battle of the 300 Spartans led by King Leonidas against the Persian legions?” Epic movie, BTW.
“Verily. Though how you know of it, I know not.” Definitely gonna have to teach this guy to speak real English soon. Wait, how can he even SPEAK English.
The British chick- I really need to get her name- beat me to the punch, “If you are from Sparta, how is it you are speaking English?”
He asked, “What is English? We are all speaking Greek.”
Wat?
Before any of us could continue, the occupant of the last cell interjected. “It must be magic.” Another woman stepped into the light of the dank dungeon, but she looked like she just stepped out of a Kung Fu flick. Also: hototototototototot...
“Perhaps you are right.” The Greek guy mused.
“There is no such thing as magic,” the British beauty spoke up.
I had to put my foot down. This conversation, while interesting, was not helping us at all. Plus, we still didn’t know each other’s names. “Not that your debate isn’t interesting, but perhaps we could introduce ourselves? I’ll go first. Hi, my name is Isaac Noe. I’m from Tennessee in the United States of America from the year 2012 AD.”
There was a slight pause, “I am Annabeth Edgeworth. I am from the city of London in England, and I am from the year 1942.”
Oh, she’s from World War II... ouch. That does explain a bit.
“I am Alkaios, son of Iason. I am a Spartan, and I’m not sure what year I come from by your standards.”
“I’m pretty sure it is somewhere about 400-500 BC. That means that Annabeth and I are from about 2400 years in your future.” I’m pretty sure those dates are right...ish.
The Chinese chick spoke up, “I am Fang Hua. I was born in the city of Yong which is in the Qin kingdom.”
I had just been reading about the Warring States period of Ancient China, so that actually struck a chord with me.
“That would be about... 200 BC?” I paused, “Yeah, that’s right.”
Annabeth asked, “So you are saying that we are all from different times?”
“It would appear so.”
“But we all died...” Fang Hua trailed off, looking downright miserable.
“Is this the Underworld? Where is the river Styx?” Alkaios wondered aloud.
“I don’t think we are dead, because this is CERTAINLY not the afterlife that I signed up for.” I joked.
Our group sat in silence for a moment, absorbing the new information. We were in some sort of jail. We had all been saved from certain death. We were each from different time periods of Earth’s history. And we were all somehow hearing each other talk in our native language. Alkaios grunted and nodded to himself.
“Well, I am not going to wait here for whatever fate is in store for us. I am going to go find my shield and go home.” He gripped the bars.
Fang Hua nodded as well. “I need to return to Qin to protect the Emperor. It is my duty.”
Annabeth and I exchanged worried glances. She asked, “And how do you propose to escape?”
“Like this,” Alkaios and Fang Hua responded as one. Alkaios RIPPED the door off the cell like it was made of paper. Fang Hua kicked the bottom of one of the bars so hard it broke, then she bent the bar up and out of the way. My eyes nearly popped out of my skull. Note to self: do NOT make Alkaios or Fang Hua angry. Fang Hua tossed a set of keys that were hanging the wall to Alkaios, and he quickly unlocked our cells.
“Now what do you propose we do?” Annabeth asked.
“Now? We have to make whoever locked us up pay for their actions...” Alkaios and Fang Hua both had devilish grins upon their faces. They both sprinted out down the hallway, and Annabeth and I struggled to keep up with their pace. Even though they were short, they were FAST!
As we ran, I wondered why we hadn’t seen any guards, but I didn’t think too much of it. I asked Annabeth, “So, what did you do before you ended up here?”
“I worked as a saboteur against the Nazis. I was blowing up a munitions train before I ended up here. What about yourself?”
“I work as an undercover cop, but I also do the chemical analysis for the forensics team down at the station.” If I hadn’t been training for the past several months, I would be totally exhausted at this point. How far did this hallway go?
Before anyone could chime in, we rounded a corner and came face to face with our first guard. My brain had to stop and take things in one at a time. Allow me to show my thought process.
1. What the heck?
2. Is that a pony?
3. OHYUS THAT’S A PONY!
4. Wait, that is one of Celestia’s Royal Guard...
5. Aaaaand Alkaios just one hit KO’d him with a punch to the schnozz. Great.
Before I could reprimand Alkaios for harming one of the background characters from my favourite TV show, everyone burst through the door behind the unconscious pony into an even bigger hallway. This one was full of dignified looking ponies and more royal guards. Fan-freaking-tastic. Three guesses what Alkaios and Fang Hua did, and the first two don’t count.
If you guessed go rushing off down the hallway, knocking ponies about, then you were correct! Annabeth was dumbfounded at the sudden influx of cuteness, so I grabbed her hand and hauled her after our rogue party members.
As we ran down the hall, I called out apologies to the panicking ponies. “Sorry! He just wants his shield. She didn’t mean it! I-I’ll pay for that!” and many more. I honestly felt bad for the guards that tried to stop the Spartan. Their attacks just bounced off him. I even saw some Unicorn guards try to stop him with telekinesis, but he just pushed through the force. None of the ponies could so much as lay a hoof on Fang Hua as she gracefully danced through the hall, leaving piles of incapacitated ponies in her wake. None of the guards even got near us before receiving at least one concussion, so Annabeth and I didn’t have much trouble.
The large hallway ended into a GINORMOUS door. This thing was friggin’ huge. Did that stop Alkaios from opening it? Nope.avi
He wrenched the doors open and we piled into the massive throne room beyond it. Oh snap... this was THE throne room. Princess Celestia flared her wings at the other end of the room. “Who dares to assault Canterlot castle?” We are so dead. I tried to grab Alkaios or Fang Hua before they did anything that would end in us being permanent residents on the moon. No luck. They go charging off towards Celestia. At this point, I just gave up trying to stop them.
I turned to Annabeth, “Well, it was nice to meet you, but I do believe that we are about to die.”
“W-what? What is even going on? First we are in jail, and now those two are roughing up small horses!”
“If we survive, I’ll explain what I do know. Gimme a kiss for good luck?”
*SLAP*
“I guess I deserved that...” I was suddenly sporting a different colored patch on my face.
Celestia’s horn flared, and suddenly, we all hung suspended in mid air. The solar princess strode toward us, nostrils flaring. Yep, we are totally moon bound. “Why do you seek to harm my little ponies?!?” Hee hee, she said the title.
Alkaios fired back, “WHY WERE WE BEING HELD CAPTIVE?!?”
Before anyone else could chip in, I asked the most important question of all, “WHY ARE WE YELLING?”
Celestia’s eyes flashed in anger. Oops. Hello, this is your Captain speaking. I’d like to thank you for flying air Bananas, we will be landing on the moon in five minutes, so please fasten your seat belts.
However, before we could become the first humans to set foot on the moon without a ship, Princess Luna entered the room. She cantered over to Princess Celestia and whispered something in her ear. Amazingly, Celestia’s anger seemed to recede slightly. She sighed and then spoke, “I will speak with you in private. Perhaps we can solve the mystery of your presence through cooperation.”
Well, it would seem that our trip to the moon has been delayed... for now.