//------------------------------// // A Royal Dinner // Story: Tales from Equestria // by Hereward //------------------------------// "All right!" Spitfire commanded. "Let's be having you! Come on! Quickly! You couldn't outrun treacle in a relay race!" The Wonderbolt cadets fell-in. "Squad! Wait for it! Squad... SHUN! Stand at ease! AttenSHUN! Stand at ease!" Spitfire strolled along the ranks. "Now, listen up. I've been invited to a private dinner with Princess Celestia herself. There's an extra seat available and She's requested that one of you should come." The cadets looked at each other in that characteristic way of recuits wanting to talk about something but can't. "For the next week there'll be intensive training; whoever makes the grade shall be the one to join me. However, judging by your usual standard, I'll be hard put to find anypony worth even going within a hundred yards of the Princess!" With that she began the standard drill. After about two hours the cadets returned to their barracks, many focused on doing their utter best to impress their OC. However Rainbow Dash didn't think much of it, partly due to having been in Celestia's presence a fair number of times before but mostly because the kinds of dinners the Princess ended up attending were extremely formal. As such she basically carried on like any other day in training. "If she's gonna be harder than usual for this," One cadet remarked, "We'll be meeting the Princess anyway, but not at the dinner table." Just then their corporal entered. "Stand by your beds!" She shouted. "You've all got one hour to get this billet in shape and all your kit laid out. I want that floor SPARKLING, SPARKLING, SPARKLING!" "YES, CORPORAL." They announced in unison. As soon as she stepped out they set to work; unfortunately they prioritised getting their own charpoys sorted out and their kit lined up. Only Rainbow Dash started with scrubbing and polishing the room. Once the hour had passed their corporal returned with the drill sergeant and they began to check over each and every bed-space. One was chewed out for having a dusty locker, another got their standard-issue drinking vessel smashed because of coffee stains, yet another was made to do fifty press-ups for a poorly-made bed-box. "ALL RIGHT!" The sergeant shouted. "I'LL ONLY SAY THIS ONCE. I'VE SEEN LAVATORIES WITH BETTER SANITATION THAN THIS! Anyhow, During PARADE ONE OF YOU WILL BE TASKED WITH PERFORMING DRILLS FOR THE WHOLE SECTION. YOU'LL FIND JUST HOW MUCH EFFORT I HAVE TO EXPEND SIMPLY FROM DEALING WITH ALL YOU LAYABOUTS!" Only two days passed before Rainbow Dash found herself thrown into the position of duty recruit. She stood in front of every pony she shared a billet with and prepared herself to be a real hard-hat as per orders. "Squad! SQUAD! ATTEN-SHUN!!!" She bawled with as much effort as she could muster. "On the command this squad shall commence flight in close formation! SQUAD, BY THE LEFT, FLY!!!" She performed a vertical take-off to keep herself level with them. "Flap! Flap! Flap! LEFT WHEEL!" In this way she moved them all around the parade ground's airspace. "PREPARE TO LAND! TOUCH-DOWN!!! PRESENT... WINGS!!!" She turned and saluted Spitfire. "Not bad for a first time." She snarked. "Now, let's see you get them back to the beginning." Rainbow Dash wasn't too sure what this meant but just said. "Yes ma'am." And turned back to the squad. "ORDER... WINGS! STAND AT... EASE!" "FALL IN, RECRUIT!" Spitfire snapped the moment they were all at ease. The remaining five days were most intensive as promised. On the last day each and every one was seen by Spitfire in her office until Rainbow Dash was the only one left; half of those who were already seen walked by her with dejected looks, making it obvious what the decision was with them, while the other half departed through a door too far away for her to spot their expressions. Finally Rainbow was called in. "Private Dash reporting, ma'am." She declared upon the threshold. "Please enter and take a seat." Spitfire replied, strangely un-militant in her demeanour. "I don't rightly know how to put this, but..." "Permission to speak, ma'am!" Spitfire gestured for her to go ahead. "I don't see why my commander should worry so about how I'll take bad news. If I didn't make the grade, fair enough. Truth is I haven't tried any harder this past week than before." Spitfire paused with a look of bewilderment before continuing. "I don't really know what to make of you, Dash. However it's too late to change our minds, so from 16:00 today you have 24 hours leave to prepare, after which you are to report to the Canterlot Aerodrome by 16:30 sharp." Now it was Rainbow Dash's turn to look stunned. "Ma'am, you don't mean..." "Yes." Spitfire hoofed over a silver-lined note. "You are to accompany Lieutenant Soarin' and myself to Princess Celestia's dinner." Rainbow Dash stared between her and the confirmation note. "I... I don't know what to say." Now it had happened Rainbow couldn't be sure if she was thrilled, honoured or in a state of anti-climax. "Yeah, we get that a lot. Dismissed!" With that Rainbow Dash departed. When 4 o'clock rolled around Rainbow Dash took this opportunity to properly read the note. Pegasus of the Wonderbolt Academy, It said, You have been judged as the one recruit worthy of the honour of direct interaction with Her Most Glorious Majesty, Goddess of the Sun, Empress of Equestria, Dictator of Burroland, Queen of Woolweria, Divine Princess Celestia. Rainbow Dash's eyebrows raised at this as the mediocrity of the title 'Princess' now fell into place. Please attend the Canterlot Aerodrome at 4:30pm 16th Solari Year 3 T.A. Black tie. Signed, Captain Spitfire and Quill Pen. Rainbow Dash was unsure as to who Quill Pen was but one thing really stopped her from taking off promptly. "Black tie?" She mused out loud. "Hmm, Ponyville here I come!" "Hey girls!" Rainbow Dash announced her arrival. "Rainbow Dash!" Pinkie Pie cried out and leapt into the air, tackling her to the ground with a major roughing of the feathers. "What happened? Are you on leave? Is this some kinda field training? *gasp* They didn't discharge you, did they?!?" "Pinkie," Twilight interjected, "Calm down. Let Rainbow Dash explain everything in her own time." Standing up Rainbow looked each and every one of her friends in the eye before speaking. "Well, I guess I need some sprucin' up or something. By the way, Rarity, d'ya think you've got enough time for a black tie? I need it tomorrow." Rarity gasped. "Why, Rainbow Dash, are you attending a funeral?!?" Rainbow cocked an eyebrow and replied. "Not really, it's just I've been selected to attend a fancy do and this invite or whatever it is says I need a black tie." Rarity sighed in relief. "Darling, when they say 'black tie' on an invitation they mean you should wear proper dining attire, like a dinner jacket or the like." Rainbow looked crestfallen. "That's torn it. I haven't got anything like that and I have to be in Canterlot by half-past four tomorrow." Twilight immediately grabbed the invite and read it over. "Wow. You're going from strength to strength, Rainbow Dash." She commented. "But don't worry; I'm sure we can each provide you with something that, when combined, will give you the right kind of appearance." "Yeah, but even if I can wear mufti like that I'm still in at the deep-end." Dash remarked. "After all they use all these different knives, forks and spoons and I've hardly ever used even one fork." "No worries, darling." Rarity declared. "We'll stage a dinner this very evening and you can rehearse all you need to for such a high class soirée." That evening Rainbow Dash found herself standing outside a barn, inside of which a candlelit table was laid out in superficial finery, cheap tacky material that could only resemble high-class from a distance. "Okay," Rarity announced as though she was a stage director, "Twilight, you take the role Princess Celestia, Fluttershy you're Spitfire, Spike you're Soarin' and Rainbow Dash, you're here." They took up their positions. "Okay, rehearsal. Oh, Rainbow Dash, don't sit before everyone else." Rainbow Dash sighed. "See what I mean." She groaned. "This is one area where I'll freely admit I'm a failure." Applejack laughed. "Don' sweat it, RD." She said. "All ya need is 'nuff practice and y'all be able to move 'n' shake wi'the rest o'em." "It's quite simple." Rarity added. "Just wait until the host, which may be the Princess or Spitfire invites the others to sit. Twilight, give it a try." "Okay." She took a deep breath and said. "Please be seated everypony." "Now, Spitfire sits first, then Soarin', and then the Princess since She gave the instruction, and then yourself." With that each corresponding pony sat down. "Here we are!" Pinkie Pie announced. "I got some hot soup." "Soup, that's this spoon, right." Rainbow Dash checked. "Well, yes." Rarity said hesitantly. "But you're supposed to apply the napkins next." They all did so. "Uh, not around the collar dears." Rainbow Dash was surprised at this. "I was only doing as Soarin' did." She stated. "Hey!" Spike protested. "I was following the Princess." "Well," Twilight replied, "How did I know they weren't worn round the collar?" "You place the napkin in your lap." Rarity asserted. "And don't worry about who does it first." Applejack and Pinkie Pie now served the soup. "Hold it, dear. Wait for the host." Rainbow Dash groaned. "You just said I didn't need to." She protested. "That was for the napkins." "You know what you need." Pinkie Pie declared. "You've gotta take the first letter of everything you need to remember and make a code word." "Oh, really, that's not necessary." Rarity remarked. "There's only gonna be four courses. The soup, the main, the dessert and the cheese." "Fair enough." Pinkie stated. "Just think of 'SuMDuC'." With that the seated ponies decided to commence. Rarity placed a hoof on Rainbow's. "Don't blow on the soup, dear." She affirmed. "And while we're at it, when you've nearly finished, if you have to tip the bowl don't tip it towards you." "Okay," Rainbow sighed, "Let's recap. Wait for the sit, don't wait for the napkins, wait to start the soup, don't blow the soup, don't tip the bowl towards you." "Oh, well." Pinkie Pie remarked. "In that case just think 'WiSDWuNWuSDuBSDuTBY'. Everypony else rolled their eyes. "Okay," Rarity commented, "Let's go on to the main." "Announcing Capt. Spitfire and Lt. Soarin'!" A Pegasus guard bawled out as Celestia sat in an ornate chair within an antechamber of the Royal Palace. The two guests entered and made a bow that ran in as regimented a style as any normal military drill. "Punctual as ever, my little ponies." Celestia greeted them. "Please, don't stand on ceremony, take a seat." They did so, neither daring to fly over no matter how welcoming the cushions. "I've a whole barrel of a most delicious beverage if you're interested." "If it pleases your highness," Spitfire replied, "We're not expecting our special guest for another twenty minutes, so I'd be most honoured to accept your generous offer." She watched, eyebrows rising as Celestia levitated a flagon over to the barrel in the corner, a foaming brown liquid pouring out as the tap turned. Taking it hesitantly as Celestia poured one for Soarin' Spitfire took a sip and her eyes bugged out and she lifted a hoof to her lips. "Perhaps I'm mistaken," She said, "But this tastes like cider." "I suppose you're aware as to why that is the case." Celestia teased as Soarin' accepted the flagon offered to him. "I wouldn't want to presume anything." Spitfire answered. "It IS cider." Celestia told her. "I thought it would make a change from the standard fare that I typically receive during these functions." While this was going on Rainbow Dash was being dolled up by Rarity in a small secluded room on the fringes of the palace grounds. Twilight had managed to reserve an outbuilding similar to a summer house on the grounds that Rarity was preparing a new line of ensembles and wished to try them out on the ponies of Canterlot, which was partly true... they were basically killing two birds with one stone (despite Fluttershy's objections to that idiom). "You'd best get going, Rainbow." Twilight remarked. "Any more dithering and you'll be tardy." "Yeah, yeah." Rainbow groaned as she fiddled with a pinafore that Rarity had insisted on. "I'm not entirely sure I can go through with this." "C'm'on, RD." Applejack replied. "It's t' top-rankin' wonderbolts. Asides which ya already now t' Princess as we all do." Rainbow Dash took a deep breath and said. "Okay, wish me luck." With that she flew off at a surprisingly leisurely rate for her. As she made her way Celestia was very shrewdly loosening up her current guests, doing her best to dissolve the formality and let them be themselves. When Soarin' managed to summon up the courage to pour himself a fifth mug of cider a guard whispered in Celestia's ear, to whom she gave a nod and returned a whisper before turning to the others. "It appears our long lost guest has arrived." She said, prompting Spitfire to glance at the clock. "Quite punctual." She remarked. "Only twelve seconds after half past." Rainbow Dash entered and gave a fairly quick bow to Celestia before saluting the other two. "Now, this is a civilian setting," Celestia told Rainbow, "So for the time being rank will be ignored." Dash breathed a sigh of relief and settled onto an offered seat. "My dear Rainbow Dash, in spite of all the time I've known you as a close friend of Twilight's I've never known of any nickname given unto you." "Oh." Rainbow Dash was taken aback. "Well, Applejack's always called me 'RD', princess." Celestia made a half-giggle at this. "Her family is rather inclined towards brief sentences. And you're more than welcome to address me as simply 'Celestia'. Oh, Spitfire, RD's not had a drink yet." Spitfire'd been gobsmacked by the exchange between the wonderbolt recruit and the supreme ruler of all Equestria but this last line took her slightly off kilter. "Oh, I'm sorry, err... RD. Soarin', get RD a mug while you're at it." With that Soarin' grabbed another mug while drinking out of his own. "Here you are, young mare." He said while balancing the second mug on his hoof, having set his own down now it was empty. Rainbow Dash reached over to accept it gratefully. "Oh, what happened to your sleeve?" Spitfire asked with a slight smirk for there was nothing between the cuff and the shoulder. Rainbow's expression fell as she removed the cardboard cuff. "I'm sorry, m'am, I've let you down." She took a breath and explained. "I didn't have anything properly black tie and my friend, Rarity, she didn't have the time to make a full suit so we settled for these false cuffs and what she called a 'dickie'." Celestia stifled a giggle before saying. "That's quite an amusing anecdote." This prompted Spitfire and Soarin' to join in the tittering. "It so happens that one of the parlour maids did a similar sort of thing one night when I invited her to a small gathering to express gratitude to her extensive service. I've still got the outfit." She levitated an improvised dinner jacket, which looked as though Bud Flanagan had got his wardrobe mixed up with that of Errol Flynn. Rainbow Dash roared with laughter as Celestia built her giggle up into a more substantiated laugh. At that moment a servant turned up and whispered into Celestia's ear. She turned slightly but suddenly as to denote surprise under practised control. "Really?" She inquired, resulting in a nod. "Oh dear. I'm sorry, but the delivery of supplies to the kitchens from Fillydelphia has been severely delayed and a certain young so-called 'aristocrat' decided to celebrate his 'Eighteenth engagement' this morning, so we're practically cleared out." "Oh." Spitfire was clearly disappointed by this. "Well, I suppose our own cook might be able to get us something if your highness is willing to send a messenger." Celestia smiled and gestured in such a way as to indicate it was a good idea. Unfortunately, after about fifteen minutes, the messenger returned with the reply telling Soarin' in particular where he could stick his dinner. "A most unfortunate situation." Celestia mused out loud. "I can't believe somepony was willing to flip-off an opportunity to cook for the Princess!" Dash cried out. Celestia, not willing to fuel the zeal of Rainbow's patriotism, went to another guard and asked about prospective cooks in the palace. "I believe, your majesty," He answered, "That your student has a few ponies on the campus at this time. I have heard much about the culinary prowess of at least one of these mares." Celestia picked up on what he was getting at. "What kind of thing could they provide at such short notice?" She asked in general, angling for a positive reply. "Well, with Pinkie's help especially, Applejack could knock together a vegetable stew and apple pie." Spitfire did not look happy; she looked as though Rainbow had suggested cutting Celestia's heart out, as in something that was inconceivably treacherous and arguably impossible. "Guard, please find Twilight and ask her if she and Applejack, and indeed any more of her friends, might be willing to cater for us at such short notice." Spitfire did a double-take when Celestia said this. "Beg your pardon, princess," She said as the guard left, "But I think I may have had a little too much cider as I seem to be hearing things. It sounded like our young recruit here suggested serving you simple country cooking and you actually appeared to agree." Celestia took a breath to stop herself from giggling at this and answered. "No, you heard correctly, Miss Spitfire. After all there is an old sailor's adage that says 'Any port in a storm' and, from what I've heard and experienced, this particular port has a seafront filled with inns and the like." "To be honest, pri... Celestia," Dash spoke up, "AJ's stew tastes best out of Trottingham bowls." "What a good idea, RD." She replied. "It would surely save washing up. In fact, perhaps we should move this little gathering a bit nearer the kitchens." When they arrived in the chosen dining area the palace staff had hurriedly arranged a dining set in keeping with the typical royal dining room, though the hurrying meant that a few noticeable mistakes had occurred. Unfortunately Soarin' had had a few mugs of cider too many. "Hey." He moaned. "I remember when my old dad, the night before he left to join the royal guard, when my mum had done the table up like this as a last celebratory dinner, he stood at the head, about here..." He positioned himself roughly at the head of the table, "And he said 'stew and treacle pud and to Tartarus with all this fancy nonsense'. He then took the end of the tablecloth," He continued to demonstrate, "And with one tug pulled it off with everything left standin'." He did so and all cutlery, crockery and glassware went flying. "Soarin'!" Spitfire complained. "What did I say about heavy drinking?!?" Rainbow looked nonplussed. "Was that Trottingham ware?" She asked hesitantly, to which Celestia nodded and Dash groaned. "I guess there's always our mess tins." She suggested. "What a good idea." Celestia remarked in a tone that suggested some surprise and yet didn't at the same time. "No doubt about it, Miss Spitfire, this young mare's got keen resourcefulness and fine-tuned bravery. She's a keeper."