Following my previous entry, I realized that judging myself was not enough proof of my intentions, considering that many ponies judge themselves, perhaps more harshly than they do anypony else. Facing that, my decision on who I would next catalog was made easy, although carrying it out was made more difficult. As much as I feel bad having to do this, I find it the only way to prove that I am not holding back. So, eventually, I made the choice to analyze my best friend: Grey Matter.
It is at this point my intentions must be made clearer, that I am not here to judge ponies and point out their faults, but more to highlight their quirks. Let's face it, nopony is perfect, but even I am not one to criticize everypony I see. I seek not to tell them that they have problems, but to seek insight into why they are, as I indicated previously. Knowing Grey as much as I do, there is quite a bit more to draw from, and I actually do know of his history, so there will be less speculation on his foalhood, and more on what connects to what. To that end, I must commend him, for though he is like the rest of us, and not without flaw, he has managed to make the most out of the cards he was dealt. What would cause some ponies to become shut-ins only gets him out the door to meet that special somepony.
A prime example would be his determination to start a family, due to the little time his parents spent with him. His parents did love him, and he is well aware of this, but they both had jobs that required them to work long hours, and under heavy stress. The most time he spent with his parents was on a vacation to Fillydelphia, which was almost cancelled due to work. Grey, driven to prevent this catastrophe, managed to figure out the problem his father was working on, so it could be sent in and the family would be able to leave. During this vacation he realized the sort of family he wants to have as a stallion.
Later in life, however, this became an obstacle, as his desire for that special somepony got in the way of his other relationships. Worse, he feared with each and every rejection that he had no hope left, that he would never find that special somepony. By now, however, he has calmed down, though not yet found that mare with whom to spend the rest of his life.
This...obsession, has controlled every aspect of his life, where he has even based his career path on his fixation. He has trained in business, having the paradoxical, though somehow seemingly sound thought to start his own business so he can control his own hours. He is focused on that job now, while looking still for the mare of his dreams, yet taking now to start it up.
Indeed, he has his faults, including his ego problems. Generally he comes off to ponies as being too self concerned, though not of high self esteem. He loves to talk about himself, and his past, even if he is not too proud of himself. He does tend to get on the nerves of other ponies by acting this way, but is at the same time too unsure of himself to land a beautiful mare. He still hops back on the horse, after a period of mourning, of course. It is that very attitude that makes him such a fine source of information, he enjoys talking about himself, and bragging even, so that it won't take much for me to get something out of him to put here.
Of course, this all brings me to the solution to his problem: Finding his special somepony. My friend is stuck in a vicious cycle, where he has a large ego and low self esteem, so when he tries to date somepony, it does not end well, so he feels bad, and has lower self esteem, only to then brag more when something goes right and thereby ruining another date. It seems that he has found plenty of mares able to look over one aspect of his personality, but given the fact that they reside on opposing ends of the spectrum, he has a much harder time finding one who can overlook both. But at the end of the day, this stops him from having his heart broken when it really matters. He does not waste much time with somepony who is not able to love him regardless, and the relationship reaches an end before he becomes too attached. Eventually, I feel he will meet his perfect mare and she will not only overlook these extremes of his personality, but correct them. He so values having somepony to love that it seems to be slowly killing him not too, that I fear this lack, so integral to him, could lead to depression. As emotionless as I often seem, I feel for my friend, and I am glad to be his friend, for without a friend he can trust, he could already be there, hopeless. I don't know which I fear more, that his depression could be a reflection of me in the future, or that my emotionlessness could be a reflection of him in the future. Honestly, though, I find it inconsequential to ponder such things at this time, for they may even facilitate the process speeding up.
Now that I have taken time to judge my best friend, and even voice my true concerns for his well being, I hope to maintain my integrity, although I may need to return to him later, depending on what may change in his life, or things I may notice that I never did before. As for this particular moment, I cannot carry on this entry much longer, for the realizations I have made, even to myself, are simply too much. I have judged my friend as harshly as I could, and I feel for him. I feel what he feels. Writing what I have about him...I too feel the sting these words carry.
~From the desk of Inkblot