//------------------------------// // Discord is a property of Inertia (Narrated by Bill Nye) // Story: The Misadventures of Dovahkiin // by GhostofSandwich //------------------------------// Twas a pleasant evening on hearth's warming eve and all the little fillies and colts were gathering around the- Wrong story smart one! Now where were we... Ah, yes. "So that's a train? I don't like it." The Dovahkiin, who had somehow sobered up from the special cupcake in the three minute walk to the train, stared at the locomotive. "It's so useful though!" Twiman Freaky, the combination of Pinkie Pie and Twilight with the voice of Morgan Freeman jumped onto the Dovahkiin's head. "And just look at all the colors! There are more than Rainbow's mane!" "But her mane and tail are blonde! Oh, you mean when it's dyed." Dashie immediately tensed up and backed away from the group as soon as Rarity revealed she dyed her mane and tail. "I don't dye it, I swear! It's all natural!" Her voice cracked as she yelled at Rarity, who simply rolled her eyes. "Just get on the train. Nopony cares that you dye your hair. I mean look at Fluttershy, she has a pure black mane!" Fluttershy glared angrily at Rarity and smiled quite menacingly. "Girls... And Dovahkiin, go ahead and get on the train... Me and Rarity have to have a little talk." Dovahkiin, knowing a battle when he saw one, grabbed the three ponies and shoved them into his pocket. "To Narnia!" With a rather magnificent leap, he landed in the train. "I do say, you broke my leg!" The Dovahkiin stood and looked at the small brown and white colt, whose leg was broke into a impossible shape. "Shut up Pip." The Dovahkiin, who knew his name just by how terrible he was, walked away from the small pony, who simply stood on his legs and limped off. "Jolly good then, sir." "I hate you so much, Pip." The Dovahkiin departed to the back cabin and sat on the bed, completely forgetting about the ponies in his pocket. Unfortunately for him, one of them was the most random thing to ever exist. "HEY! There is SO MUCH food in here! Let's see... Oh, you got some really big bones in here was well... About twenty swords, five bows, a great hammer, and a drum. OOH, A DRUM!" Without any warning at all, Twiman jumped from the Dovahkiin's shoe and began to bang on the drum with a racket rivaling that of a hippie drum circle. Needless to say, the noise was so great that the conductor jumped off the train and into the middle of the Ponyville massacre caused by the angered Fluttershy. "Pinkie P- Twili- whatever the buck you are, stop it!" "The name is Twiman Freaky! And no, I will not stop banging my drum!" She banged the drum as hard as possible. "By Ysmir's beard, stop it!" The Dovahkiin, having had enough, grabbed the drum from the pony and tossed it into the next cabin, hitting Pip on the head and knocking him into a rather large purple stallion with three grapes as a cutie mark. The four immediately jumped from his pocket and entered the next cabin to see the outcome. "You bumped into me? You know what that means when you bump into a grape family member..." "Oh, I'm terribly sorry!" Pip backed away slowly. "I honestly didn't mean to." "Apologies aren't good enough." The purple pony stood and stared menacingly at Pip and with a rather deep and menacing voice issued his threat. "IT'S GRAPING TIME!" The purple pony jumped forward and tackled Pip much to the Dovahkiin's and indeed every pony in ponyville's enjoyment. "I enjoy a good graping as much as the next pegasi, but we should hurry back to out cabin." Dashie flew into the air and pushed the two ponies and the Dovahkiin, who was cheering as Pip was graped, into the next cabin. "Reminds me of my world..." Dovahkiin sighed and sat on the bed. "People get graped there as well?" Applejack sat down next to the Nord. "No, but we used to gather around the mages and beat them down. Was quite funny! Well until they shocked us. Anyways, we leaving soon?" "Yes. In about a minute." Applejack fell back onto the bed and looked up at the ceiling, which had a water stain on it. Her focus on the water stain was immediately broken as Rarity came flying into the cabin, her mane an absolute wreck. "DON'T EVER TELL ANYPONY ABOUT MY BLACK MANE AGAIN!" "Rarity, it's rude to come in without knocking!" Rarity stood and wobbled back and forth, her mane now a collapsed mass of purple hair. "NO! My mane!" Somewhere TAPS began to play as she tried nursing her mane back to it's usual splendor. Unfortunately, all she managed to do was pull out a few long strands. The Dovahkiin leaned back on the bed and pulled out some mead and took a small drink. "Well, that escalated quickly. No, really. That got out of hoof really fast!" Rarity sobbed and stood slowly, still trying to nurse her mane. Good thing she didn't see the stub that was her tail, since she would probably pull an over-dramatic faint. "Calm down, sugarcube. It's not that bad. Come with me and I'll fix it right up." Applejack stood from her bed and lead the weeping marshmallow to another private cabin. "Well, Mr. Dovahkiin, I do say that you lightened the mood a bit." Everypony turned to Twiman, who was busy building something from two couches, a bed, and a lute that she grabbed from Dovahkiin's pocket. "What are you drinking?" Rainbow was now right next to the Dovahkiin, glaring at the bottle as he drank it. "Black Briar mead. Very expensive stuff- hey!" Before he even had a chance to say goodbye to the innocent and expensive drink, Rainbow had grabbed it and chugged the entire bottle. "WOOHOO! Stamina!" "But... I was drinking that. Do you know how thirty books make you?" "Uh, duh! I eat books on a regular basis just to make Twilight angry." "I'm right here!" Rainbow turned to Twiman, who had a rather mirthless look on her face. "Oh, you can still hear me? I thought you were a entirely different pony with the best voice ever." "No, we both share a brain. The voice... Well, neither of us know where the buck that came from. It keeps calling both of us Mr. Wayne though, for some odd reason..." "I regret nothing!" Dashie jumped out the window right as the train started moving. Unfortunately for her, she hit exactly 88 mph between the train moving and her already awesome speed. Of course, she didn't have a DeLorian, so she was back in a split second, even though for her she had accidentally became Queen Chrysalis for a tiny bit. No wonder she still wrote the six mares so many angry letters... After Queen Chrysalis and the Changelings had been blasted of like Team Rocket, they had all landed in the middle of a Diamond Dog orgy. Rainbow enjoyed it though, so it's all cool. "Welcome back, Ms. Dashie!" Twiman, who had already forgotten about Dashie eating her books, jumped onto the Pegasus as she flew in the other window. "That... Felt... Awesome!" Fortunately for her friends, none of them knew what had just happened the Rainbow. Best you forget as well, since the image isn't exactly a pleasant one. "What? My tackle? I do tackle pretty well, especially while playing hoofball! Or is that when I'm playing Cricket? That game is truly amazing! Mainly because nopony knows what the buck is going on, but that's the best part! That and the funny accents." She giggled. Seriously, imagine that. Morgan Freeman giggling like a little schoolgirl. IMAGINE IT! It's better than Inertia! "Would you shut that fecking thing up!" The Dovahkiin immediately shot up as he heard what sounded like the voice of the Daedric prince, Sheogorath. "Sheogorath?" He raised one brow as a dragon thingamajig that looked as if it was a failed experiment involving a plethora of animals entered the cabin. It was odder looking that a duck billed platypus. And I don't need to tell you how odd that thing looks. "Sheogorath? Oh, you mean that funny guy with the beard! We play scrabble on Tuesdays. Quite the fun, especially when he summons that servant of his! What was his name? Haskell? Anyways, I'm Discord, positively insane one ruler of Equestria at your service. How're you doing, my dear Nord?" "So you know what I am? Well, that helps with the pleasantries... My name is-" The train whistle sounded off as the Dovahkiin stated his name. "-most people call me Dovahkiin though. Or Dragonborn." He looked to Fluttershy quickly to see if she would react. Fortunately, she learned her lesson. "Ah yes, Sheogorath has told me of your great tales of Tomato stealing! You're quite the legend of madness. Now, may I ask what the fecking hell that thing is?" He pointed to Twiman, who was busy eating a pillow with her eyes closed and a smile on her face. "It looks like something me and Sheogorath would create while we were drunk from Black Briar Mead." Rainbow's jaw dropped as it was revealed that she chugged a alcoholic drink. That was definitely not going to look good in her next AA meeting. "It's a combination of Twilight and Pinkie pie with the most amazing voice ever." "Oh... Hey, Dashie. Close your mouth, your swallowing all the air!" Discord shook his head and turned back to the Dovahkiin. "So, did you meet Edward, the talking apple from Canterlot yet?" "I haven't been to Canterlot yet." "Oh, too bad. It's quite the marvelous city! Well, except for all the sanity around... It's just no fun! And they don't serve enough brain pie. And there is a extreme lack of Tomatoes... You know what? Scratch that! Canterlot is TERRIBLE! You'd be better off going to Manehatten." "Yep, you know Sheogorath." "Discord! Hey, hey Discord! Can you make more chocolate milk rain, pleeeeaaaaase?!" Twiman smiled widely enough that her mouth actually stretched to the walls of the cabin and her eyes bulged enough to touch Discord, who promptly pushed them back into the pony's head. "Not now, my dear. Maybe when we're in Canterlot. Wait, did I grab my things? Luggage?" He snapped his fingers, causing three large bags to fall out of the air onto Rainbow. "Check! Wings?" He started hovering in the air. "Check! Feet?" He looked down at his feet. "Check! Pip?" He looked around and saw nothing. "Now where did I put Pip? I was going to have him recover my fork from the clutches of the boring pony that hangs out by Donut Joe's shop... That guy is so boring it gives my beard an ulcer!" "Uh, about him... He done got Graped." "Graped you say? And I had no front row seat with popcorn holder? NOT COOL!" He grabbed Rainbow Dash from under the luggage and turned her into a Duck billed platypus. "Dashie!" Twiman jumped over to the platypus and hugged it. "Her mane... How could you?! I had fifteen special cupcakes in there!" "Calm down, failed science experiment... She'll be fine in a moment. Well, right after she turns into a spriggan for a moment. Speaking of which, did you know that Spriggan is ancient Equestria for REALLY ANNOYING KINDLING?! Seriously, you've fought those things in your world no doubt..." "Yep." "Hey, did you know that Pegasi fizzle when they come in contact with lemonade? It's quite amazing. They shriek like penguins too." "Penguins shriek?" Discord shrugged at Dovahkiin's question. "Everything shrieks. Everyone lies. Everything dies! Well, except for those darn princesses and yours truly. Speaking of the princesses, if held at exactly 12:00 PM and covered in jelly, a Zebra can be used to summon the Sweet roll god? His sweet rolls are fecking amazing!" All of the ponies laughed as the train started the ascent up the mountain. Well, except for Applejack and Rarity, who were busy fixing Rarity's mane in front cabin. Well, that's what they say anyways... Meanwhile, in Canterlot castle... "Ah, I love my throne..." Celestia sat down, and immediately screamed in both pain and pleasure. "By my sister's beard, that felt good!" "I don't have a beard!" Came a yell from her sister, who was somewhere in the castle. "Is this what I've been missing out on all these years? Screw that!" She licked her lips as a maid entered the throne room. "Oh, sorry princess... Didn't know you were in here. I'll come back." "No, no... Come here. And dance for your princess!" She laughed maniacally and sighed, the pony before her terrified out of her mind. And thus, Molestia was born. Now, back to the train... Or rather, at the train station... "Yes, I shall get you on the train, Dovahkiin-" The mare looked around, her nose caked with blood that she didn't clean from her trip a tiny bit ago. "FUCKING HELL, I MISSED THE TRAIN! What else could go wrong?" She turned and smacked into a large purple pony with grapes as his cutie mark. "Oh, hell nah!" "Oh, I apologize. If you'd just let me by..." "Nope. IT'S GRAPING TIME!" The mare raised an eyebrow. "Graping time? You're obviously messed up in the head, now if you'll-" Before she could finish her sentence, the purple pony assumed the graping. "No, no! NO! DOVAHKIIN, I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"