//------------------------------//
// MR. TORGUE'S CAMPAIGN OF TEACHING EVERYPONY HOW TO BE A F*CKING BADASS!... IN 3D! 
// Story: EXPLOSIONS??? 
// by Opticlaudimix 
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	"GOD DAMNIT WHEN I ADVERTISE SOMETHING I SERIOUSLY F*CKING MEAN IT! SO THE NEXT TIME I SAY I'M GOING TO BRING A DRAGON INTO TOWN, I'M GOING TO F*CKING BRING A DRAGON INTO TOWN!"

Mr. Torgue had just spent the last few minutes getting everypony to settle down and not worry about the giant monstrosity that was casually sitting down, listening intently to Mr. Torgue's words. 

Twilight tapped Mr. Torgue's leg. "Mr. Torgue? I didn't tell anypony about you bringing a dragon to the show. I didn't think you were being serious at all, I just thought you were joking around."

Mr. Torgue glared down at Twilight. "DO I LOOK OR SOUND LIKE A JOKER TO YOU?"

"Uh...yes?" Twilight sheepishly smiled.

"HOW? I ALWAYS COMMUNICATE WITH HARSH AND BLUNT WORDS WHILE UPHOLDING A STERN TONE WHEN I DEMAND SOMETHING. AHH SH*T THAT WAS SOMETHING I COULD HAVE SAID FOR THE SHOW."

"Well you appear to be an extrovert and you happen to possess an obnoxiously flamboyant persona..."

"WELL I CAN SPOUT OFF BIG VOCABULARY WORDS TOO! SPONTANEOUS BELLIGERENT HOLOCAUSTS ARE VOCIFEROUS, VOLUMINOUS, AND ABSOLUTELY INFALLIBLE DUE TO COPIOUSLY GARGANTUAN QUANTITIES OF BADASS!"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"HOW THE F*CK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? GOOD VOCABULARY DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN GOOD INTELLIGENCE. POINT IS, NOBODY SHOULD GIVE TWO SH*TS ABOUT A GIANT ASS DRAGON THAT COULD POTENTIALLY TRAMPLE THE ENTRE TOWN IN THE SPAN OF A MINUTE."

A random background pony raised a hoof in objection. "Well, what the hay is the point of having a dragon here???"

"HELL IF I KNOW. POTATOES."

The crowd began to shout again, sputtering many incomprehensible phrases.

"DO YOU ALL WANNA SUPPORT TORGUE OR NOT?"

The chatter ceased instantly.

"CAUSE WHEN TORGUE IS AROUND, EVERYTHING AND NOTHING MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL. IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?"

The crowd of ponies murmured in confusion.

"NO BUT SERIOUSLY, LET ME EXPLAIN WHY THE DRAGON IS HERE: BECAUSE HE'S A BADASS."

Discord chuckled. "Seems reasonable enough."

Twilight raised a hoof in objection. "Mr. Torgue, you always seem to use that word for seemingly anything that you praise, MAYBE you should explain what 'badass' even means. To my knowledge, I doubt it's even in the equestrian dictionary."

Mr. Torgue stared at Twilight in utter disbelief. "YOU'VE GOT TO BE SH*TTING ON MY NUT-SACKS RIGHT NOW. 'BADASS' ISN'T A WORD HERE? THE F*CK IS THIS SH*T???"

"And neither are any of the words you say that keep getting censored. Then again, I can't really confirm what any of those words are, but we ponies don't have any words that are so bad that we need to censor them."

"WELL SH*T. SO NOW I HAVE TO EDUCATE ADORABLE COLORFUL EQUINES ABOUT THE BASICS OF FOUL LANGUAGE?"

Twilight grimaced. "Uh, I'd rather you not..."

"WELL TOO BAD. F*CK MEANS–OOF!"

Pinkie somehow leaped onto Mr. Torgue with enough force to knock him face first into the ground. "Shh! Stop doing things that threaten your fundamental existence in this dimension!"

Mr. Torgue lifted his head off the ground as a pair of shattered sunglasses fell from his face. "WELL FINE. I GUESS I WON'T TEACH SMALL EQUINES HOW TO RUIN CHILDHOOD MEMORIES." He tapped his ear as a new pair digistructed perfectly in place onto his face.

"Well, why the hay would you even wanna do that?"

"BECAUSE IT'S F*CKING RANDOM AS SH*T THAT'S WHY."

Discord suddenly scooted by on a scooter made up entirely of fruit. "Now why can't everypony else develop a mindset like this beautiful creature here?"

"Uh, could somepony explain to me what exactly is going on right now?"

Seemingly everypony in the entire town looked up at the dragon, almost as if they had all forgotten that he was there in the first place.

Twilight put a hoof to her chin. "Huh, I forgot we were even arguing over your presence."

"YOU SEE THAT? THE DRAGON DIDN'T EAT ANY OF US. THEREFORE, WE SHOULD ALL LOVE AND TOLERATE THE SH*T OUTTA IT." Mr. Torgue threw Pinkie off his back as he got back on his feet.

Iron Will stroked his chin. "Can't deny you got a point there."

"HEY! DON'T BE RUDE TO THE DRAGON! SOMEBODY ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

Many mouths opened, only to pause in contemplation of what words were to be formed to describe the current situation.

"Uh..."

"Duh...Well, uh..."

"What exactly are we...hmm..."

"Yeaahhh?..."

Twilight was the first to speak coherent words. "Uh... what exactly ARE we doing?"

There was another moment of silence and murmurs.

Mr. Torgue turned to face the dragon. "SO TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION DRAGON, WE HAVE NO F*CKING IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW."

"That's okay, I probably should have been wondering why this current discussion was so confusing in the first place. It's almost just as confusing as the question: If a dragon's greed satisfies his needs, then what happens when a dragon wants to not want his wants?"

Pinkie put a hoof to her shin and gaped her mouth slightly. "Whoa, he's like a philosodragon!"

"WELL YOU KNOW WHAT PHILOSOTORGUE SAYS? PHILOSOPHY IS BULLSH*T. HELL, WHY DO PONIES EVEN NEED PHILOSOPHY WHEN YOU ALL HAVE F*CKING CUTIE MARKS? THE FIRST THING I'M GOING TO DO WHEN I GET BACK IS SLAP A TORGUE CUTIE MARK ON THE ASS OF EVERY TORGUE EMPLOYEE."

"Actually, Equestria does in fact have a plethora of different philosophical writings that question our life's meaning due to the concept of destiny," Twilight objected.

"WELL IF I WERE TO EVER SOMEHOW HAVE A KID HERE, NOW I KNOW TO NAME HIM OR HER "BADASS MOFO"! WAIT A SEC, WHAT THE F*CK WOULD THAT CUTIE MARK EVEN LOOK LIKE???"

Mr. Torgue felt a gentle tap on his leg. "Mr. Torgue? Uh...I hate to interupt, but uh...can you please stop randomly changing the subject and continue to explain all of your alien technology?"

Mr. Torgue looked straight down into the infallibly adorable eyes of a certain yellow pegasus that was gazing directly into his eyes.

"HRRRNGGHHH! TYPE2DIABETUS!!!" Mr. Torgue collapsed to the ground clutching his chest as he started to fade away in blue light.

Everypony in the town stared at Fluttershy.

"Sweet Celestia...did you just kill him with your stare?"

"I...I didn't do the stare though, why would he...?"

"Hickering haybillies! Why the buck is there a big ol' dragon right smack in the middle a' Ponyville?"

Many heads turned to see a stunned Applejack paused in place in the middle of one of her usual morning routes to the Ponyville market. Just then the bells above Rarity's Boutique's doorway chimed harmoniously. 

"I have finally done it! After a whole night's worth of careful contemplation, I think I may have just designed the perfect outfit for Mr. Torgue to... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

More heads turned just in time to witness Rarity slam her boutique's door shut followed by the sounds of multiple locks latching and the cacophony of bells bashed by a slammed door. Almost immediately afterwards, a cloud overhead moved aside as a rainbow blur dashed right to the door of the boutique.

"What's going on? There better be a darn good reason for Rarity to be screaming so loud and pulling me away from some shuteye–AAAHH! DR-DR-DRAGON!"

"What the hay is going on? Why's everypony so darn relaxed about a DRAGON in Ponyville? Why... uh, why y'all lookin' at us funny?"

Mr. Torgue suddenly dived through one of the hotel windows. "CAUSE YOU THREE JUST MISSED OUT ON WHAT WAS PROBABLY THE BEST F*CKING MORNING PONYVILLE EVER HAD!"





After a lengthy explanation of what exactly happened that morning, Mr. Torgue told the town that he was going to run around Ponyville setting up more digistructing stations while the rest of Ponyville returned to their "normal lives". However, Mr. Torgue wasn't exactly doing a courteous job of deciding where to place his digistructing stations. Many ponies gave him an odd look after seeing newly unfolded devices in front of outhouses, on rooftops, and even in dumpsters. After a few minutes of this, he paused for a while after setting one up in the middle of a flower shop's garden.

Mr. Torgue cupped his hands to his mouth. "I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY F*CKING BORED OF THIS SH*T. HEY! IRON WILL, GET YOUR BEEF OVER HERE AND HELP ME SET UP A HUGE ASS STAGE WRAPPED IN DYNAMITE. WE'RE GONNA START THE SHOW EARLY!"

In the distance, Iron Will responded across the town. "What? Why are we starting the show early?"

"WHY NOT?"

"Don't we have to get ready first?"

"THAT'S WHY I SAID GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME OUT."

"Oh! Right! Wait, where are you?"

Mr. Torgue looked at the sign in front of the shop. "IN FRONT OF SOME REALLY SWEET SMELLING PLACE CALLED: ROSE'S BADASS FLOURISHING F*CKING FLORA!"

"Don't you mean: Rose's Flourishing Flora?"

"I LIKE MY VERSION BETTER."

"Well your version sounds stupid!"

"WELL THEN YOU'RE JUST A F*CKING FAGGOT. GO KILL YOURSELF!"

Somewhere up in the sky, Rainbow poked her head through a cloud. "Hey! Shut up down there!"

"HELL F*CKING NO!"

"Can y'all stop yer' gosh darn hollerin' already? It's startin' to get real' annoyin' now!"

"WELL UNTIL I INVENT CELL PHONES I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN ANY F*CKING TIME SOON."

"Hey, why the heck is there one of those beacon thingies blocking the door of somepony's house?"

"DON'T QUESTION MY FLAWLESS POSITIONING SKILLS."

"Uh... Mr. Torgue? Whoever's behind that door is getting pissed, like, really pissed. They say they're gonna blow the door open with something."

"DON'T WORRY, THOSE BEACON THINGIES ARE IMPERVIOUS TO ANYTHING THAT'S NOT AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF BULLETS."

The next voice to be heard shouting across town was Pinkie's. "Heeheehee! You're blocking the door to Vinyl's house Mr. Torgue!"

"HOLY BUCK WHEN WERE YOU RIGHT NEXT TO ME???"

"HEY WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?"

"I was never next to you silly!" Suddenly, Pinkie's cheerful face popped up in front of Mr. Torgue. "So whatcha doing Mr. Kablooie?"

Mr. Torgue quickly backflipped in reaction. "JESUS F*CKING CHRIST–"

"How am I in the middle of a flower garden right now???"

"SH*T PINKIE, WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU JUST DO?" He turned to see Iron Will splayed out in the middle of Rose's garden within the shop.

"I dunno, I started to get these twitches and jitters telling me that we need to stop all these pointless conversations and just get on with the show. Besides, Everypony's starting to getting a little annoyed don't cha think?"

The sounds of heavy dubstep and glass shattering emanated from where Iron WIll and Pinkie used to be.

"KAY FINE. JEEZ. LET'S GET GOING TO MY HOUSE AND MAKE THE DIGITAL BLUEPRINT FOR THE STAGE!"

Iron Will looked to the distance where TORGUE HEADQUARTERS resides. "Wait, how is that a house? It's a giant crotch skyscraper..."

"WELL BY DICTIONARY DEFINITION, IT'S STILL A F*CKING HOUSE. LET'S GO!"





In front of the newly spawned stage in front of Vinyl Scratch's home, a massive crowd herded together immediately after seeing the blue outline materialize into place, much to the dismay of the DJ who was now trapped inside her house. However, Mr. Torgue drowned out the sounds of her protests by blasting badass music while setting up stage effects like smoke and fireworks.

Through the smoke, a shadowy figure could be seen slowly approaching the front of the stage. "Fillies and gentlecolts, the moment you've all been waiting for, an assertiveness show of the likes that NONE of you have EVER seen before, brought to you all EARLY by the TORGUE COOPERATION, I present to you all–"

"WHO THE F*CK PUT MAYO IN THIS SANDWICH?!?!"

The crowd responded with lighthearted laughter as the shadow could be seen face-palming.

Another silhouette burst out of the curtains holding a sandwich high up in the air right as the fireworks went off. "WHO WANTS THIS SANDWICH?"

Many ponies raised their hooves and cheered, demanding that Mr. Torgue throw the sandwich to them.

Iron Will leaned over to Mr. Torgue. "Psst. Hey, what the heck are you doing right now?"

"WELL TOO BAD. MAYO F*CKS UP YOUR HEALTH!" He threw the sandwich up into the air before shooting it with his POCKET ROCKET.

"Mr. Torgue, this is supposed to be an assertiveness show, NOT a comedy."

"YOU CALL BAD HEALTH A COMEDY? THAT IS SOME SERIOUS SH*T RIGHT THERE BUDDY." He punched Iron Will in the shoulder.

Iron Will retaliated with a punch to the face. "If somepony interrupts, then your rage erupts!"

"OH IT'S F*CKING ON D*CK-BISCUIT!"

The two silhouettes began to brawl on yet another assertiveness show as the smoke cleared away and the fireworks were used up. Only this time, the crowd was laughing uncontrollably rather than screaming and running in terror.

"THIS ISN'T PART OF THE SHOW KIDS! DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!!!"

Iron Will briefly looked around and realized that the smoke and music had stopped, meaning that the crowd was watching a fight while hearing nothing but amplified punching sounds because of their head mics. "Whoa. Dude, stop. We need to start presenting... where the hay did you get that tuxedo from?"

Mr. Torgue posed in his extravagant tuxedo in triumph. "THIS THING WAS MADE BY RARITY FOLKS! GO BUY SH*T AT HER HOUSE, SHE MAKES BADASS DESIGNS!!!"

"But before you do that, let's start you all off with some ASSERTIVENESS LESSONS. Iron WIll needs a volunteer!"

"WAIT, WHAT ARE WE DOING?"

"Shut up. Volunteers?"

Almost everypony's hoof went up.

"HEY. YOU. BIG RED GUY WITH THE GREEN APPLE ON YOUR ASS. GET UP HERE!"

"Nnnope. Ah didn't even raise mah hoof."

"TOO BAD YOU'RE DRAFTED. F*CK VOLUNTEERS, JUST GET THE HELL UP HERE."

Big Mac simply nodded and began to trot towards the stage.

"Alright everypony, the first lesson Iron Will is gonna do for you all today is a demonstration on how being nice can get you a long way, but NO MATTER WHAT, there is always going to be somepony who's still being a prick for no apparent reason!"

"EXACTLY! SEE HOW I JUST CALLED THIS GUY UP HERE FOR NO F*CKING REASON? WHY THE F*CK ARE YOU SO QUIET BIG GUY? DO SOMETHING ABOUT BIG OL' ME BEING A BIG OL' DOUCHE!"

"Alrighty then." Big mac simply began to walk off the stage.

Everypony quietly stared at Big Mac as he made his way back to the audience.

"Okay then..."

"YOU SEE THAT? HE JUST WALKED AWAY LIKE A BADASS AND COMPLETELY IGNORED ME. HELL, IF WE HAD CINEMATIC LIGHTING AND AN EVENING SUNSET, THAT WOULD HAVE LOOKED SO F*CKING COOL! POINT IS, IF REASON AND KINDNESS DOESN'T DO SH*T, JUST WALK AWAY. NO POINT IN ARGUING WITH A DUMBASS! NO OFFENSE!"

A donkey somewhere in the crowd shouted, "None taken!"

"Wait, what's so assertive about just walking away?"

"EVERYTHING. LOOK AT NINJAS, THEY'RE BADASS'S CAUSE THEY CONVEY ASSERTIVE MESSAGES DIFFERENTLY THAN THE USUAL BOLD STATEMENT! THEY GIVE A VERY STRONG SENSE OF ASSERTIVENESS JUST BY BEING SILENT AND LOOKING REALLY CONSTIPATED ALL THE TIME. WE CAN ALL BE ASSERTIVE BADASSES, AND IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THROUGH BEING LOUD! THAT'S JUST HOW I DO SH*T BECAUSE I'M ME!"

The crowd cheered and laughed as they stomped their fore hooves in approval.

Somewhere in the crowd, Twilight leaned over to Applejack. "Wow. He's actually giving pretty good advice."

Fluttershy giggled behind them. "Much better than Iron Will's, and it's even pretty funny."

"YOU SEE, THERE ARE A NUMBER OF THINGS THAT MAKE PEOPLE DIFFERENT IN LIFE. HOWEVER, THE BADASSES ARE THE ONES WHO STAND OUT AND MAKE EVERYBODY ELSE SH*T THEIR PANTS. MY GOAL IS TO MAKE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU HONORARY BADASSES... AND YOU ALL GET FREE EXPLOSIVES!!!"

A particularly burly white pegasus with minuscule wings flexed his muscles. "YEEAAHHHH! EXPLOSIONS!"

"SO... I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR ALL OF YOU!" Mr. Torgue pulled out a remote with a single red button on it and threw it into the crowd. "SOMEBODY PUSH THAT BUTTON AND WATCH WHAT HAPPENS."

Not a second later, Rainbow swooped up and caught it. "AW YEAH! Watch this everypony!" She kicked the button and sent the remote flying towards the ground.

Then the stage exploded.