A loud buzzing filled the bedroom as Twilight Novel’s alarm clock went off. She groggily climbed out of bed, turned it off, and nudged her roommate. “Come on. We gotta get up early today for that winter snow removal thing, or whatever it is,” she prodded.
“Ugh. Can’t you just use your magic to poof the snow away?” Scotty grumbled.
“I’m not doing this all by myself!” Twilight scoffed as she bundled up. Opening the door, she stepped out to face the day… only to find it was still dark. She returned to her room to see what the problem was. It was then that she noticed her clock was blinking 12:00. “FFFFFFUUUUU-”
Friendship is Overrated
Episode 11: Winter Rip-Off
A few hours later, Twilight Novel, Mike, and Scotty had arrived at the town meeting in front of the town hall. Twilight Novel noticed the vests everyone was wearing. She recalled from the flier she received that blue represented the environmental team, green for the botany team, and tan for the arboreal team. She then paused to wonder how she was able to remember such scientific terms, and shuddered as she realized that Trollestia was likely trying to turn her into some sort of nerd.
“This is boring,” Scotty whined.
“..and that’s why we need everyone’s help to pull this off. Let’s get this thing done right this time!” the mayor concluded her speech. The crowd gave a cheer, and then dispersed to do their assigned tasks. “Oh, who am I kidding? These idiots couldn’t wrap a burrito, let alone winter,” she mumbled.
“Well, I guess we’d better get to work,” Twilight sighed. As music began to play, she moaned at the incoming musical number.
“Where’s the YouPipe link?” Scotty wondered, “…Oh, please tell me the author is not making his own lyrics.”
As the ponies gathered around, Twilight turned to her friend and sighed, “I’m afraid so. Come on; let’s get this over with.
Three months of winter coldness
and frigid, snowy days…
We’ve kept our Corvettes warm at home
so they don’t rust away.
Now our cabin fever’s gettin’ bad,
but we can’t drive in this snow
So even though I love snow fights,
this winter’s got to go.
The time has come to welcome spring.
It’s about time, I say.
And it’s also time to say good bye.
Make this snow go away.
How should I help? I am not sure.
What am I supposed to do?
When can I fit in time for fanfics?
I haven’t got a clue!
Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
Let’s finish our cupcakes and beer.
Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
Bringing home the southern birds
from their vacation spots
Why do they get to go relax
while we work off our plots?
We move the clouds
and make the snow go away.
When the sun comes out,
It makes us feel good today.
Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
Let’s finish our cupcakes and beer.
Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
Little critters hibernate
in their underground dens.
We get them off their lazy plots.
I wish they’d help us then.
But we help them gather up their food
while they’re all on the loose.
We welcome back the southern birds
so that they can reproduce!
Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
Let’s finish our cupcakes and beer.
Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
No easy task to clear the ground.
Plant those tiny seeds.
Without my care and efforts,
everyone it feeds.
Hoes and plows and grinding wheels;
so much innuendo!
They all work so very hard
while they all want me to go!
Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
Let’s finish our cupcakes and beer.
Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
Now that I know what they all do,
I’m still in the same place.
I don’t know what I should do;
tough task ahead I face.
What will I do within this madness?
Is this what earth ponies do?
If it really is then I must
say to them, “Screw you!”
say to them, “Screw you!”
Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
Let’s finish our cupcakes and beer.
Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is here!
‘Cause tomorrow, spring is heeeeeere!
“All right, time to make myself useful,” Twilight said with a hint of determination, knowing full well that said determination was not likely to last long. Looking around, she spotted Brainbow Bash spouting orders. “Hey, Bash, need some help?” she asked. Bash gave her a funny look. “Oh, right; no wings.”
“That’s not it. You can make wings with magic,” Brainbow replied, “It’s a liability thing. The law doesn’t allow violet-colored unicorn librarians with magic levels above nine thousand to assist in weather-related activities during Winter Wrap-Up.”
“That’s… oddly specific,” Twi noted. After another funny look from Bash, she realized, “Right; come to think of it, that does sound like the kind of law Trollestia would come up with.” With that, she wandered off to find someone else to help.
A few minutes later, she found Rhapsidy at a booth in front of the store. She was holding a clearance sale on winter items, as well as various sticks and pieces of string. “What’s with the sticks?” Twilight asked.
“I’m selling nest-building supplies for the birds,” she proclaimed.
“That’s ridicu-“ Twilight started to say, but was interrupted by a pair of robins. They landed on the table, picked up a few sticks, and dropped a few coins on the counter.
“Thank you!” the white unicorn called. Twilight trotted off, deciding this was too strange for her to help with. Mike, however, simply grabbed a few sticks with his tongue and ate them. “Hey! You have to pay for those!” Rhapsidy yelled, but they were already gone.
As Twilight Novel approached a frozen pond, she noticed movement on it s surface. Upon reaching the shore, she found the movement was Pukie Pie. She was sliding around on top of it with patties strapped to the bottoms of her hooves. “Hey, Pukie. So what the f**k are you doing?” she asked.
“Oh, I’m using the grease and salt in these patties to melt the ice,” Pukie replied.
“Won’t all that salt be harmful to the animals that rely on a freshwater environment?” the unicorn pointed out.
“NEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRD!!!” a mysterious voice was heard yelling.
As Pukie pondered Twilight’s words in confusion, she didn’t pay attention to where she was sliding until it was too late. She plowed right into Twilight Novel, sending them into a snowbank. When the flying ice crystals settled, they looked like a segmented snowman: Twilight on the bottom, Pukie in the middle, and Molestia on top.
Wait, what?
Indeed, the Princess of the Night was lying on top of the three ponies, a mischievous grin on her face. Upon noticing how close the three ponies’ rumps were in relation to each other, Pukie immediately squeezed out of the pile and ran away, screaming, “Bad touch! Bad touch!”
“Ugh, get off!” Twilight groaned.
“I’m trying,” the princess replied, “but your whining is such a turn-off!”
“What? No, not like that! You know what I meant!” the unicorn snapped.
After escaping the clutches of the Princess of Perverseness, Twilight Novel found herself amongst a large number of holes. Up ahead, a burst of smoke emerged from one, followed quickly by its inhabitants. Twilight quickly noticed the cause of the smoke as she spotted F**kershy lighting a smoke bomb and tossing it into yet another hole. “What are you doing?” the unicorn asked.
“Oh, hey, Twilight,” the pegasus replied, “I’m just waking up the animals from hibernation. They don’t listen very well, so I have to smoke ‘em out.”
“Sounds like fun! Can I try?” Twilight asked.
“Sure. Here, take this over there, light it, and toss it into one of those holes,” F**kershy instructed, pointing with her hoof.
Twilight Novel trotted over to where she pointed, lit the smoke bomb, and tossed it into a random hole. “No, not that one!” the pegasus shrieked, “That’s my-”
BOOOOOOM!!
“…ammo dump,” she finished.
Annoyed, Twilight Novel blinked a few times to remove the soot from her eyes. She shook herself to remove it from the rest of her, and trotted off in annoyance.
“So… tell me again why you’re not using magic,” Scotty inquired.
“I guess it’s a city ordinance or something. I don’t know,” Twilight sighed. Their musings were interrupted by an explosion just up ahead.
Running to the scene of the incident, they found several snowplows lined up and on fire. Apple Peel was running around and cursing up a storm.
“What in the world happened here?” Twilight Novel asked incredulously.
“The ponies in charge of snow removal assigned an idiot to coordinate the plowin’!” the farmer ranted.
“Who’d they pick?” Scotty asked.
“Me!” Apple Peel cried, “I mean, what were they thinkin’ puttin’ me in charge o’ heavy equipment?!”
“…Come on, Scotty. I think I know how to solve this dilemma,” the purple unicorn stated. Her confused roommate trotted after her.
“Brainbow Bash!” the voice of a familiar farm pony called out, “We need to get these clouds moved, pronto! The plows broke down and nopony’s in shape enough to shovel the snow away.”
“Uh, okay, I suppose I could arrange for it to be moved up in the schedule,” the blue pegasus began, but was interrupted by another voice.
“Brainbow Bash! I ran out of smoke bombs,” F**kershy explained, “We need to postpone the cloud removal, or I won’t get the animals out in time.”
The legal expert moaned and facehoofed as the mayor approached the scene. “What’s the problem this time?” she asked.
Apple Peel and F**kershy started arguing, trying to explain their point of view. That is, until a loud rumbling silenced them. As they looked on, several heavy construction vehicles roared past, along with a few hundred workers. “What’s going on here?” the mayor wondered.
Twilight Novel approached them and started explaining, “Well, during my bumbling attempts to help with the wrap-up, I noticed one inescapable fact: everypony is almost as incompetent at their tasks as I am. So, I pulled a few strings to hire some contractors to do the job right.”
“Where’d you get the money to do that?” Brainbow asked suspiciously.
“I went over the budget and took it out of the huge bonus check the mayor always gives herself every year,” Twilight replied. Everypony present glared at the mayor, who grinned sheepishly.
“I’m impressed,” Bash complimented. “I didn’t think you had it in you.”
“Well, after hanging around the ruler of our country for most of my life, even I was bound to pick up a few things,” Twilight bragged.
Today’s Moral: Ponyville ponies’ skills aren’t worth sh**.