//------------------------------// // Remember to Chew // Story: Derpy's Protector // by Sneaky //------------------------------// Derpy's Protector: Chapter III  Hunter crouched next to a window, occasionally poking his head over the edge to check if the gunfire had ceased.  Every time he did this, PFC Greg Keller, or the soldier standing across from him near the doorway, would cuss at him in a hushed tone to get down.  Hunter continued to ignore him, quickly bobbing his head around the corner despite the fact that they would know when the gunfire stopped by listening for the roar of the machine guns to end.  "Hunter, if you don't get the fuck down, I swear I'll kill you myself."  "And give away our position? Not likely."  They both knew that Private Keller would never do this. It was more of a grim joke than anything. The two were buddies from the getgo, as they had both arrived in Pakistan at around the same time. Hunter's light-hearted character seemed to match up with Keller's serious personality well, and so they became fast friends.  "It'll give our position away anyway if they see your big white ass stickin' out the window," he gestured to Hunter's face.  The sound of gunfire abruptly ended. Hunter gave a triumphant smirk, then turned to look out the window.  Keller whispered to him frantically, "Don't be stupid. Just because we don't hear anything now doesn't mean-"  His next words went unheard, as a loud ringing filled Hunter's ears and he fell backwards. The sound, it was so unbearable, his head felt like it was going to explode. No, wait, it wasn't the sound doing that.  Blood ran down from his forehead. He dipped his fingers in it, and licked his hand to make sure it was real. He tasted dirt, sweat... and a metallic flavor. Blood.  He watched Keller despite his vision being nothing more than blurred shapes. Somehow, even with the dull pain in his head, he was becoming relaxed. Bullets zipped around him, kicking up dust and making holes in the wall, but he didn't care. Keller's lips moved, but all Hunter could hear was the ringing. Blliiinnngg! it continued, even as his friend pointed his gun out the window and began firing.  Hunter had a funny feeling everything was going to be alright. Everything's gonna be alright.  Everything's gonna be alright... ----------  Hunter's eyes wafted open. There was a funny mumbling coming from the pit of his throat, and he realized he was talking in his sleep.  He tried to recreate the sounds, making guesses as to what he could have been saying. Though he already knew.  "Everything's gonna be alright..."  "Sweetie? Wake up, Sweetie. You're talking in your sleep."  He snapped his attention to her. She must have been startled, as she suddenly clamped his chest like a vice.  Ooh, those cuts are a bitch...  She saw him wince, and let go of her death grip.  "Sorry about that. You kind of startled me."  He chuckled and brought a hand to massage his sore cuts. "Apparently, I've done worse."*  She smiled, but there was a hint of concern etched across her lips.  She voiced her concern without any prodding. "Sweetie, you were talking in your sleep. Were you having a bad dream?"  He swallowed. "Yeah, I was just dreaming about some... experiences."  "What experiences?"  His eyes darted about. "Oh, you know. Just... Nothing to worry about."  "Why won't you tell me then?"  His mind frantically searched for a way out of this. "It's... Not something you would enjoy hearing."  "Is it inappropriate?"  Was it? "Uh, yeah, I guess."  "Oh," she giggled, "I see."  Not exactly the reaction he was hoping for, but it was better than the alternative. "So, how 'bout we agree to just forget about the dreams, and get some breakfast. You hungry?"  She looked down at her stomach. "I'm always hungry now!"  He picked her up, and set her aside. "Great. Then I suggest we-"  She was already off the bed, springing her way towards the door. Unfortunately, it was closed, and she slammed into it face first with a house-shaking WHAM!  Hunter sprang up and looked over the edge of the bed. "Derpy, are you alright?"  She lay with her face in the ground, flank in the air. Her wings twitched for a second, until she finally got up to her hooves and wobbled around.  Eyes crossed, she gave him a salute and smiled. "I'm okay!" She then proceeded to open the door and step into the hallway, followed by a loud crash a few seconds later.  Hunter shook his head, wondering at how the grey winged pony ever survived this far. ----------  "So you still haven't told me how you got your wings."  Hunter and Ditzy sat on the couch, Ditzy eating a particularly large muffin and Hunter setting one aside for later.  "Whath?" she asked through a mouth full of muffins.  "Yuck," Hunter remarked, wiping wet Derpy crumbs off his face, "I was wondering how you got those wings. I mean, the pink horse didn't have wings, so I'm guessing it's not a common thing, right?"  She gulped down a piece of muffin large enough to choke a grown man, then addressed his question. "Well, Pinkie Pie is what's called an 'earth pony'. Earth ponies don't have wings, only pegasus... pegasuses... pega- pega-"  "Pegasi?"  "Yeah! Wait, that's not right either. Well anyways, only pegasus ponies have wings. There are also unicorns, but they have horns and do magic."  Magic?  "Wait... Magic? You mean, there are beings here that can perform magic?"  She smiled and nodded.  An idea formed itself in Hunter's head.  "These... Unicorns. Do you think that with their magic, they could send me back home?"  Her smile dropped, and she quickly shoved another muffin into her mouth.  "Derpy, come on."  She just turned away and continued stuffing her cheeks full of muffins.  "You're gonna run out of muffins real soon if you keep that up."  She quickened her pace.  "I'm not gonna help you if you choke-"  Derpy dropped the plate of muffins and began gagging.  Do you have to say things like that?  She fell over, holding her neck with a hoof and choking on the ground. Hunter sprang into action, moving in position to perform a heimlech maneuver.  Arms around her belly, he had a sudden thought.  I don't think squeezing her child out of her is going to help the matter.  That's a disturbing thought.  He let go of her, trying his hardest to think of something that would help save her life.  Be constructive, Hunter. What could you possibly do to dislodge a piece of muffin from a pregnant horse's throat, without injuring or killing her or her baby?  The answer presented itself when she flopped onto her back, coughing upwards with her mouth wide open.  You know what you have to do.  I did say 'horse', right?  Well, are you just going to let her die then?  ...  Fuck you, conscience.  He clenched his fists, bracing himself for what lay ahead.  He knew that blowing air into her mouth may lodge the offending pastry even deeper into her throat. Instead, he took a different approach.  The opposite approach.  Knowing he would regret it forever, he emptied his lungs as much as was physically possible.  Eyes clenched almost to the point of tears, his lips met with Derpy's, and he sucked as hard as he could.  With a plunk, the muffin slipped up her throat, and she began to breathe again.  As fortunate as it was that Hunter saved her, he had forgotten that it could go the other way around too, and ended up with the muffin lodged in his throat.  Immediately, he hit himself full force in the stomach, causing the troublemaking pastry to fly out of his mouth.  And land right on Derpy's face, covering her features with a mound of soggy goodness.  Oh God, I'm gonna puke-  A tongue protruded up from the pile, and wiped clean all that remained of the mutilated muffin.  Hunter stumbled his way into the bathroom, trying to control his heaving until he made it to the bowl.  "He saved my life..." Derpy said, breathing again, shocked by the sudden realization.  She gazed dreamily in the direction he had gone. "He saved my life." ----------   "My dear Twilight, there is more to a young pony's life than studying. So I'm sending you to supervise the preparations for the Summer Sun-"  "Please stop reading that letter, Spike. I already know what it says."  Spike frowned, and rolled up the scroll. "Y'know, you should really lighten up. All you ever do is read and study, read and study. And it's our break, too! Like the Princess said, you should go out, make friends-"  "The fate of Equestria does not rest on me making friends!" she whined.  Spike searched for some way to cheer her up. "Well, that lightning bolt did strike in Ponyville, right? Maybe it'll give you a chance to study it. And the Princess arranged for you to stay in a library, doesn't that make you happy?"  Her ears perked up, and she smiled. "You know what? You're right! I'll just take care of the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration, then get back to my studies on Nightmare Moon! Maybe I'll check on the lightning bolt, too, if I feel it's of any importance."  "So, in other words, you're going to directly disobey orders from the Princess, and-"  The chariot suddenly lurched forward, causing Spike to slam against the railing. Twilight let out a relieved sigh.  They touched down on the ground. Twilight gave her thanks to the guards pulling the chariot, and trotted off to begin her assignment.  "Did the Princess give us a map?" Twilight asked.  "Nope," Spike replied, rubbing his head, "Looks like you're just going to have to meet somepony."  "Spike, I know we had a map. Did you lose it?"  His pupils shrank, and his grin disappeared. "Uh, it depends. What map are we talking about?"  She sighed and shook her head.  "Well, maybe the ponies in Ponyville have interesting things to talk about," he gestured to a pony standing nearby, "Come on, Twilight! Just try!"  "Ugh," she groaned, "Alright."  She timidly approached the pink earth mare. "Uh, hello?"  "Hhhuuuiuuiuiungg!" the earth pony leapt into the air, and with physics-defying motions, dashed over their heads without even touching the ground.  However, she did manage to smack Spike in the eye, knocking him down in the process.  Twilight cocked an eyebrow. "Well, that was interesting, alright."  Spike got up off the ground and sighed, rubbing his eye whilst following Twilight. ----------  "Summer Sun Celebration Official Overseer's Checklist," Spike read aloud.  This is kind of hard to read with one eye.  "Step one: make, um, reparations at, uh, Sweat Apple Acres."  Twilight cocked an eyebrow. "Make reparations? I'm not a craftspony or anything. Strange."  Spike was more occupied with worrying about what kind of apples they might encounter.  The two walked through a large entrance, leading to a fenced-in area around a barn.  "Yee-haw!"  An orange earth mare rushed past, a slight odor following in her wake.  Spike gulped. Sweat Apples.  She ran up to a tree and kicked it as hard as she could. The force her hind legs delivered made the whole tree shake, causing apples to fall off the branches and neatly land in a couple of nearby barrels.  She stood by, proudly tucking one foreleg over the other.  Twilight inhaled deeply. "Let's get this over with."  She walked up, wondering if this new pony would react the same way the other one did. That would say a lot for the sanity of this town.  "Good afternoon. My name is Twilight Sparkle."  The orange took her hoof and seemed to be trying to rip it from its socket. "Well, howd'ya do, Miss Twilight! Ah'm Applejack. We here at Sweet Apple Acres sure do like makin' new friends."  Twilight chuckled nervously, aware of the damage the shaking was doing to her leg. "Eh heh heh... Friends?"  She let go of her blender shake on Twilight's forehoof. "So, how can ah do ya for?"  Even after Applejack let go, Twilight's leg continued to go up and down on its own. Spike grabbed ahold of it and held it still, letting some stifled laughter escape his lips.  "Well, I am, in fact, here to supervise preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration, and apparently we need to, um, make reparations?"  She tapped a hoof in thought. "Hmm, I don't know anything that's in need of repairin' right now... If you're wondering about the celebration, ah'm in charge of the food. Maybe you'd like to sample some?"  Spike frantically tried to signal to Twilight, but she didn't notice him.  "As long as it doesn't take too long..."  The stetson-wearing cowpony dashed away and rang a dinner triangle. "Soup's on, everypony!"  Twilight gasped as a hoard of various colored earth ponies trampled her to the ground.  The next thing she knew, she and Spike were in front of a small yellow table.  "How did that-"  Applejack popped up beside them. "Now, why don't I introduce ya'll to the Apple family?"  The great mass of earth ponies gathered around the table, cornering them.  Applejack began her long introduction of every pony in her extended family that was present.  Why do hillbillies have so many foals...  Each time a pony would set down a delicious looking pastry, Spike would get closer and closer to a green hue.  After the last apple dessert was stacked, Twilight was pretty well convinced the earth mare had done her part for the Summer Sun Celebration.  Spike, however, vomited into the middle of the pile of food. Nopony seemed to notice though.  "And that's the Apple family!"  Twilight gave everypony a nervous but polite smile, and said, "Well, you seem to have everything under control here. I'll just be on my way then-"  "Wait!" Applejack called, "You haven't even tried an apple pie yet!"  "I'm right next to you, you don't need to yell!" she retorted, then returning to normal volume,"And I'm sorry, but I really need to go."  "Aww," the whole family moaned in unison.  A little yellow red-maned filly walked up. Applebloom, Twilight was pretty sure her name was, just stood there and gave Twilight the cutest, most irresistible puppy eyes she had ever seen.  "But... Don't'cha wanna stay fer brunch?"  Twilight looked hesitantly at the filly. "I'm sorry, but I have to go..."  Applebloom's eyes began to waver.  Just don't look her in the eye, and you'll be fine...  Twilight turned away, trying to resist her cuteness powers.  Maybe just a peek.  Dammit, Twilight! Why did you have to look?  She sighed. "Fine. I'll stay for brunch."  The whole family erupted in cheers. "Yay!" ---------  "Do you want a muffin now?" Ditzy asked.  Hunter glared at her.  "If you'd like to know, you've completely ruined muffins for me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to eat a muffin again."  "Why?"  He really hated that word. "Maybe it was because I choked on your upchuck, spat it on your face, and watched you lick it like Scooby-Doo covered in ice cream."  "Scooby Doo?"  "It's from my world. I'll explain later."  "Oh," she said, thinking on that. "Still, though, you did spit it on my face."  "True," he complied, finally seeming to calm down.  "Well, I still have an hour until I make my daily mail runs. Maybe going on a walk will make you feel better."  He raised an eyebrow. "Who said I was sick?"  "Well, you've been acting grumpy for the past two days. Basically the whole time I've known you. I figure you need something to unwind your nerves."  Unwind his nerves? Where did that come from?  She was right, though. As much as he hated to admit it, he was stressed, and the outside air would do him some good.  He reluctantly agreed. "Alright. Are you sure the other ponies won't react... Hostile, or something?"  "Please," she waved a hoof, "As long as you stick to me, everything will be fine."  "That's what I was afraid of," he muttered under his breath. ~~~~~~~~~~  A/N:  I'm pretty sure Night Shine's name will end up at the end of each chapter if I mention him every time he helps out, but just know that with every chapter you read, he's saving you from a lot of messed up punchlines and bad jokes.  And prepare for a break/decreased production rate for chapters. I still need to finish the fanfiction collab with TheLionPaladin. I'll give you guys a link to it when it's finished, if you want.