//------------------------------// // INS4NITY // Story: Getting Home // by leafz pegasus //------------------------------// “Uh… Hi?” Everyone in the room stopped talking and stared at me as if I grew a second head or something. “Why are you all looking at me like that? And I’m either high, drunk, or insane, because that girl has wings.” The pink haired girl was first to break the silence. “No you’re not! But you’re really weird; Dashie kept saying that you were an alien- OH! Are you an alien? Huh? Huh? Huh?” I barely kept up with the pink haired girl’s speed. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Also, if you don’t mind, I would really appreciate it if one of you could tell me where I am.” The purple haired girl with the glasses was the one to speak up this time. “Pinkie, I think you may need to give our guest some room. To address your question, you are in Equestria, specifically Ponyville hospital.” I stared at her with disbelief. “Miss…” “Twilight. Twilight Sparkle.” “Okkaaayyyy… Miss Sparkle, I’ve been all over the system and I’ve never once heard of a place called Ponyville, let alone Equestria.” “Well mister, I don’t know what this ‘system’ you keep going on about is, but you’re in Equestria. A country on Eques that is run by the sisters Celestia and Luna. Each morning, Celestia raises the sun and every night, Luna raises the moon.” I just gave her my best ‘don’t bullshit me stare.’ “Two things: first, how do you not know who I am? I’m Leaf Disqe, or as you probably know me as DJ INS4NITY. Second, what kind of bullshit are you trying to sell me? Everyone knows that the planets orbit the sun and the moon or moons orbit the planet.” Now Twilight was giving me the ‘what the fuck stare.’ “No, the sun and moon orbit the planet when the royal sisters use their magic to raise and lower each respectively.” “Magic.” “Yes, why wouldn’t it be?” “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because- MAGIC DOESN’T EXIST!” Everyone in the room just stared at me because of my little outburst. The girl Twilight Sparkle pointed at the vase across the room, “watch,” she commanded. Her hand became engulfed in a purple aurora and the vase started to glow the same color, then slowly lifted into the air, and smacked me in the head. “OW! What was that for!” “For not believing in magic of course!” “I give up. Next your going to make me believe people can fly and control the weather.” I said sarcastically. “Actually, Pegasus people can do both.” The rainbow haired girl said. I just sat there, staring at the wall. Wazzup? What the Hell? Who’s in my head! It’s me, INS4NITY. What? But you’re just a persona that I made up as a stage name! Yeah, well now I’m real and am talking to you. I give up, I’m insane. No, I’m insane. INS4NITY, duh! Well, what can you do besides talk to me in my head? Put on the sunglasses and you’ll find out. I’m going to regret this. Nah, you won’t dawg. Just sit back and behold my handiwork. Begrudgingly, I pulled the electric blue aviators out from my pocket and slipped them on my face. After pressing the small button on the side of the frame, I felt the change start that morphed me from Leaf Disqe into DJ INS4NITY: my irises turned red, my hair grew white and spiked up, as well as my voice changing slightly. Except this time, I felt INS4NITY taking over my body controls as well. “Aw yeah! I like this! Oh c’mon Disqe, what the Hell did you do to your arm? Looks like it was put through a meat grinder. Heh, meat grinder, I’m so fucked up.” “Who the Hay are you and what happened to the other guy?” I lowered my glasses down my nose a bit. “My question is, who the Hell are you?” The girl in question was the blue haired girl Disqe saved from the manticore I think it was. Eh, whatever, it’s dead now, oh so very dead. “I’m Vinyl Scratch, now, I’ll ask again, just who the Hay are you?” “Me? I’m INS4NITY. Disqe is too much of a pansy to be available at the moment, so I’m filling in for a while. Now, can any of you direct me to where ever Disqe’s girlfriend went? Last time I checked, he was looking for her when those wooden wolf things and, manticore attacked him? Yeah, manticore.” They all gave me looks of shock and disbelief. “What? Are those little mo-fo’s hard to kill or something? Looked pretty easy to kill to me. Especially if ya got an M1911- hey, where is that little piece of death anyways?” I saw the blue haired girl, Vinyl Scratch? Holding the firearm. “Yo, hand it over. Now.” Vinyl smirked. “And what if I don’t want to?” I grinned evilly. “Gurl, you don’t want to know the things I can do to someone. Disqe spent three years in the air force, and since I’m technically Disqe, I know all the ways to bend someone over my knee. Ya get what I’m sayin’?” Her face turned from smug to horrified as I spoke, and she quickly handed me the gun. “Good, now wasn’t that so hard?” “No, but what you said was oddly similar to what Luna’s Night Marauders do.” “Hmm… I got to get to know these people, they seem legit.” Vinyl’s face turned stoic. “I wouldn’t say that. The only time people get to see them is when they’re about to have a knife in their back.” My own smug look dropped a little. “Huh. Well then, let’s avoid them, shall we? Also, anyone know any good DJ’s? I want to get to know anyone else in the music biz here in magical people land.” Vinyl tried to act cool, but I could see that she was barely able to contain herself. “Well, if it’s a DJ you’re looking for,” she made a sweeping gesture with her hands, “I’m your girl. DJ PON3’s the name, don’t wear it out.” I grinned at the competition. “Heh, not likely. Although I’m sure you might wear out mine.” Vinyl tried to come up with a good come back, but she just couldn’t. Not likely, no one’s ever beaten me in this game, except that one prick. Damn bassist. I looked around the room to try to remember these people, and I noticed that the pink haired girl, pretty sure her name’s Pinkie, was playing on Disqe’s phone. “Hey, what’re you doing with that? Isn’t that Disqe’s phone?” “Yeah, but there are so many cool games on here! Like this game called Minecraft! No! Brother Pig! I will forever curse you creepers!” “Uh… Okay then. Have fun with that. Anyone more sane I could ask questions to?” Twilight walked forward. “I think I can be of help in that department. I’m the personal protégé of Princess Celestia and I can answer any question you may have of our fair land.” “Okay, how the Hell do I get out of here? Ya know, the hospital?” “Not until I say so Mr. Disqe. I’m Dr. Syringe,” Of course it is. “And according to these charts, you shouldn’t even be human, alive or otherwise. How many chromosomes do people where you come from have normally?” “I’m no scientist, but humans where I come from have 46 chromosomes. And we don’t have ‘magic’ and wings.” I replied suspicious. The Doc looked down at his chicken scratch that is the universal handwriting of all doctors. “Well, here in Equestria, unicorn people have 106, Pegasus people have 86, earth people have 66, reptilian people have 206, and gryphon people have 96. You only have 46, which is why it’s a wonder how you’re even functioning, let alone maintaining homeostasis and your brain waves… They’re higher than anything I’ve ever seen! Even when you were unconscious, they were higher than a unicorn person when they’re casting a spell!” I shrugged. “Meh, so I’m smarter or something, big deal. All I know is I need to get Disqe and myself back to Hyperion so he can make nice with his girlfriend.” Everyone in the room had similar looks of confusion on their faces. “Ya know, one of Saturn’s moons? The giant-ass planet wit the huge asteroid ring? It’s pretty hard to miss.” Once again, Twilight takes center stage. “There is no… Saturn around here, as far as we know, Eques is the only planet anywhere near here.” Even I was shocked at this, no wonder Disqe pussied out. “You mean… we’re not even in the same System? Shit… Hey Disqe, it might be a little harder than you think to get back home to your girlfriend.” “Um, excuse me? I think I know something that could help,” the pink haired girl, whom had been quiet the entire time, finally spoke up, “I think that, since the Princesses are so… have live so long I mean, maybe they know a spell that could send Mr. Disqe and Insanity back to their world.” I decided to break the ice this time. “Well why didn’t you say something earlier! Now we can go and try to get Disqe and I on our way back and he can go bang his girlfriend! OW! Disqe, stop mind hitting me, it hurts!” “If it’s any consolation, I can get you a personal meeting with the princesses in seven days.” Said Twilight. “Seven days? My man Disqe and I gotta get his ass home so his girlfriend doesn’t beat the living shit outta him.” Twilight raised her hands in an ‘I didn’t do it’ gesture. “I’m sorry, but the princesses are away on an important peace council with the Gryphon ambassador that is going to take all week.” “How the Hell does a meeting take a week?” I asked her incredulously. “The princesses have to travel to Gryphony, meet with the ambassador, and then spend the week convincing him that it would be unwise to occupy Trottingham any longer.” I almost laughed, almost. “Gryphony? Trottingham? What kind of shit is this? Let me guess, Gryphony is occupying Trottingham and this is probably the biggest war you pansy eaters have ever seen.” “Well yes, this is the biggest war that Equestria has been part of, since Equestria is a world-“ “Yeah, yeah. World super power and this war involve your whole world, blah, blah, blah. This sounds like a bad reenactment of my world’s World War II. By the way, in my world, that was over 600 years ago, and Germany didn’t just occupy one city, no, they occupied entire countries. Hitler and his Nazis began a conquest over all of Europe, not slowing down for anything. He killed millions, millions of Jewish people just because they were different. No one could stop his onslaught, that is, until the United States of America came into the war. I’m going to say this before I continue girls, I’m an American and I’m sure as Hell proud of it. The US came in like the fury of God himself. Our air forces, combined with the other allied powers, swept in like Angels of death over the battlefields, our soldiers came in like demons from Hell itself and ascended upon the German ranks. Within the span of only four years, we cornered the bastard and then he shot himself like the coward he was. And that was only the European Theater.” “In the Pacific Theater, we were having some trouble making Japan stand down, that is, until we built the bomb. Imagine a bomb, easily able to fit into this room, being able to destroy an entire city in mere seconds.” Everyone in the room looked horrified at my description of man’s worst years. “We had to drop a bomb like that twice before the Japanese surrendered. And don’t think we stopped there, oh no. We kept going, until we had made a bomb so powerful, it rivaled the heat of the Sun itself when it detonated. The United States was the first to develop this bomb of course, and we tested it on an island. They dropped the bomb, and they never found the island, only a crater in the middle of the ocean, slowly filling back up with water.” Everyone in the room sat quietly for a while, until I finally spoke up. “Well, there’s ya’ll daily dose of INS4NITY. I think I’ll leave the rest of this up to Disqe.” I pressed the button on the side rim and my hair slowly changed back to its natural mahogany brown, and my eyes a sharp blue. “Ugh, finally. I was wondering when that psychopath would give me control again. Sorry about that, I didn’t think he’d go into that much detail. Anyways, so what am I supposed to do for the week that the princesses are gone?” After Twilight recovered from her mortified shock, she responded to my question. “Well, um… You’re a DJ, I’m sure Vinyl would be more than happy to show you around. Uh… C’mon girls, I think I heard Spike calling!” With that, Twilight and the other five girls quickly walked out of the room. Vinyl watched all of them walk out and shrugged. “Well, it’s just you and me huh? It doesn’t matter, we can go to the club I DJ at, and I don’t know, share music and stuff I guess.” I slowly got out of the flimsy hospital bed. “Sounds like a plan to me,” I made a mock salute, “lead the way captain.”