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Chapter 14
War Preparations, and Meldo the Onion
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Galdo zipped through the air as fast as he safely could. He occasionally felt the effects of transonic airflow, and so he dared not increase his speed further.
I must find the president.
He kept his eyes peeled for his target.
Eventually, he found what he was looking for. He decelerated, spiraled down, and landed.
He could only hope that he wasn’t too late.
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Gilda laced up her boots. She put on war paint under her eyes. She checked herself over in the mirror, making sure she had not a feather out of place.
And then she stopped and pondered.
Why are we going to war with Equestria?
It was far from her place to ask such questions, however, as Gilda was a relatively new recruit to the Griffin Air Force.
Now, when one thinks of a national air force, one usually thinks of a complicated, regimented, organized, and sophisticated military branch.
The Griffin Air Force... not so much. They had no airplanes. No guns. No missiles. Nothing but their wings, beaks, and talons.
And as such, Gilda’s job wasn’t too complicated. It was basically “swoop down and kill stuff.”
Sure, she’d never actually done that before—there hadn’t been any wars in the short time since she’d joined—but really, how hard could it be? Swoop down, kill stuff! Easy as pie!
Still, she had her doubts.
Gilda wouldn’t admit it, but she’d grown fond of Equestria. Sure, she’d likely describe most of the residents as ‘a buncha stupid lame-oes’, but regardless, she had been through a lot over there. After all, she’d lived there for a few years, back when she was working in Cloudsdale.
Hello, former coworkers! I am here to slice you up and/or take over your beloved country!
Talk about awkward!
And finally: if nothing else, invading Equestria seemed stupid.
I mean really, try pulling swoop-down-kill-stuff when the “stuff” is Celestia, and see what happens!
That’s not just stupid—that’s outright suicidal.
True, Commander Meldo had announced that Celestia and Luna had left. That fact alone would make an invasion a full order of magnitude easier.
Then again, suppose Meldo was wrong?
Meh, thought Gilda, Meldo’s never wrong.
But! What if?
The Griffin Nation would probably become a moon colony or something.
Or, it might become a giant crater in the earth.
All depends on Celestia’s mood, really.
Regardless, Gilda had made her commitment, and so she left to report for duty.
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President Zeldo sat in her home, sipping her tea. The stress of holding the Griffin Nation together was beginning to wear on her, so she had decided to take a personal day. She knew Vice President Yeldo would do a good job in her absence.
*Knock knock knock*
Huh?
Zeldo didn’t expect to hear from anyone today.
She was looking forward to a day off, dang it! (Sound familiar?)
Nevertheless, she opened the door.
“President Zeldo! Thank goodness you’re home!”
“Glado!? What are you doing here?”
“Meldo’s going to attack Equestria!”
Zeldo blinked. “...what.”
“He thinks Celestia’s flown the coop and he’s launching an attack tomorrow morning!”
Zeldo was having trouble processing this information. “But... chain of command... and I know Yeldo wouldn’t declare war...”
“I don’t think Meldo’s waiting for a declaration, ma’am.”
“But then how—”
Galdo shrugged. “Meldo’s a scary guy. The troops listen to him. He says ‘Attack!’ and they attack.”
“Also,” he added, “I found Meldo in your office; Yeldo was nowhere to be seen.”
“That rotten son-of-a...” Zeldo seethed. “He’s going to get us all killed!”
“If if makes you feel better, I called him an incompetent, war-crazy buffoon.”
Zeldo raised an eyebrow. “You called him that to his face?”
“Yep.”
“You are one brave griffin, ambassador.”
The two laughed, and then abruptly stopped.
Galdo looked down. “So, what do we do now?”
The president looked at him.
“Galdo, how fast can you fly?”
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Commander Meldo was rallying the troops. He gave a grandiose speech about conquering Equestria, and the riches it would bring.
Now, this may be the time to say something about out dear friend Meldo.
He was fierce, tough-looking guy, and a skilled fighter. He had made a great foot-soldier, and did very well as a general. But when it came time to run the entire military, he was a terrible commander. Under his stewardship, the Griffin armed forces had been run almost completely into the ground.
There had been proposals to develop better military technology, but Meldo was never interested. He didn’t want something that would be useful a year or three down the road. No, he wanted immediate results.
And so, he’d make other, more short-term investments.
Like, talon sharpeners and stuff. (Whatever!)
This attitude usually helped in the short run, but it always came back to bite him eventually.
Most things did.
You really gotta feel sorry for the poor guy. No, seriously.
The time has come to peel back some layers, dear reader.
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“Ooh, what’s this?”
“Give it back, Blado!”
“You like dolls? Hey everyone, Meldo’s playing with dolls!”
“They’re action figures! And they’re mine!”
“Hey Faldo, catch!”
“Keep away!”
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“You? Seriously? You sure you’re not joking?”
“Y-yes, sir. I-I’d like to join.”
“So, Mister Meldo, what exactly do you do?”
“Well, I—”
“Besides collect old military action figures, I mean.”
“...”
“Look, kid, I don’t think this is the right place for you.”
“B-but—”
“Scram. Trust me, this is for you own good—you’d never survive in the army.”
“But I—”
“Come back when you’ve grown a spine, maybe.”
“Yes, sir!”
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“And what’s your name, little runt?”
“M-meldo...”
“Tell me Meldo, are you tired of being walked on?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Are you tired of being a pushover?”
“Yes sir.”
“ARE YOU TIRED OF BEING A WIMP?”
*Nod nod*
“Well then I, Macho Minotaur, can toughen you up!”
*Nervous smile*
*Crowd cheering*
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“What kind of angry look is that? You need to look ANGRY!”
“Okay, I’ll try...”
“And remember: when someone tries to block, SHOW THEM THAT YOU ROCK!”
“I... think I can do that.”
*Door creak*
“Uh, dad...?”
“No. Try that again, Iron.”
“DAD! IRON WILL DEMANDS MORE ORANGE JUICE!”
“Now that’s a good little minotaur! See Meldo, you could learn a lot from my son here.”
*Nod nod*
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Okay, time to try out what Macho Minotaur taught me.
*Stand straight*
*Shoulders level*
*Look of confidence*
*Sigh*
Here we go...
“Felda, will you go to the prom with me?”
“You? Who would go with a wimp like you?”
“O...okay. N-never mind...”
*Walk away*
*Cry*
...
“She said what?”
“She didn’t want to go with me, Macho.”
“Don’t let that get you down, Meldo! NEVER let a woman have power over you like that!”
“...understood.”
“Now, let’s get you out of that frump. FRUMPS ARE FOR WIMPS!”
*Nod nod*
“And Macho Minotaur believes it’s time for you to do something about that scrawny frame.”
*Nod nod*
...
*Lift*
*Crunch*
*Squat*
*Bench press*
*etc.*
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*Apply*
“Wait, you’re that Meldo?”
“Yes I am, sir.”
“Well what can I say, you look like a whole new griffin! I will pass along your application.”
“Thank you, sir.”
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“Meldo, your work in the armed forces has been commendable. We’re promoting you to the office of General.”
“Thank you, sir.”
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“Meldo, you have been selected as the replacement for the retired Supreme Commander Weldo.”
“Thank you, sir. It is an honor.”
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“Commander Meldo, I would like a word with you.”
*Grumble*
“Yes, President Zeldo?”
“I understand the previous holder of my office supported your... unusual methods. However, I cannot say the same for myself.”
** NEVER let a woman have power over you like that! **
*SLASH*
*BLOCK*
*COUNTER-PUNCH*
“If you will allow me to continue, Commander...”
*Gaaaaaasp*
“Vice President Yeldo believes that you should be relieved from duty. However, I do not think it would be right to remove you from a position which you have faithfully held for so long.”
Huh?
“I’m going to give you a chance in my new regime. Please don’t f*** this up.”
*Nod nod*
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*Ring ring*
*Answer*
“Is this the Supreme Commander Meldo?”
“Affirmative. With whom am I speaking?”
“This is Macho Minotaur.”
You again?
“Macho Minotaur is calling because Macho Minotaur heard about what you did.”
“How did you...?”
“Eh... Macho Minotaur has connections within the military.”
...
“Anyway! That is NOT what I meant when I gave you that rejection pep talk. Macho Minotaur is worried that you have taken his lessons the wrong—”
“Enough. I tire of you.”
“What?”
“I thought you were strong, but apparently I was mistaken.”
“But—”
“Soon, the whole world will know what true strength is.”
“Oh no... what has Macho Minotaur done?”
“Goodbye now.”
*Hang up.*
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“President Zeldo! I have returned from Eques—”
“I’m afraid she isn’t here at the moment.”
“C-commander Meldo! What are you—”
“You have just returned from Equestria, correct?”
...
“She was the only royalty I saw.”
“No sign of Celestia or Luna?”
“No, sir.”
...
“It’s settled. Celestia’s gone. We attack at dawn.”
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Now, it is finally time.
Zeldo is on vacation, Yeldo is taking a little nap, and Celestia is out of my hair at last.
Time to attack. Time to conquer.
Time to make the Griffin Nation great again.
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