//------------------------------// // I got that bitch a book, where the hell is my gift? // Story: Christmas Dinner // by Kuroyami Fukaikuro //------------------------------// Christmas Dinner By: Kuroyami Fukaikuro A/N: This is totally not a random ass update to prove I'm being productive #lyingapplejack Christmas Day I woke up and sighed. "Another Christmas alone. Wonderful. And no gifts this year either." Then, once again, I heard the portal fizzle, and someone came out, crashing through my closet door. A woman with mint green hair walked out, completely naked. "So this is what it feels like to be human. This is AWESOME! I should come to the human world more often." "Ma'am? What are you doing in my house?" "Oh! Hello there, Kuroyami right? I asked Discord if he could bring a pony into the human world, and he just directed me towards a portal that led me here. I know who you are because I was at your lecture last night, and may I say, it was a wonderful insight at human culture." "Thanks. But I should have told you all, not all humans celebrate Christmas the same. I think I also said that not all of them celebrate Christmas at all. There's a lot of finer details to human culture." "Well, what does your family do?" "To answer that, we'd have to go back to Equestria because my uncle taught me a song about how Christmas is like with my family. And I want a goddam audience." "Okay, but I can then come back to the human world, right?" "Sure." "Great!" We went back to Equestria. Canterlot, Equestria I walked onto a random stage and picked up a guitar. Discord immediately materialized behind me on the drums and used his chaos magic to prepare other necessary instruments.. "You came back sooner than expected." "Well, I figured, I gave Twilight a gift, and it's customary to get one in return. Also I just had to sing for the holidays." "This is why we're friends." "Since when were we friends?" "Since we hang out whenever you come here." "This is only the third time I've been here." "Yeah, but you're gonna come back for the tour of Equestria, right?" "Touche. Let's just start." I took a deep breath, and then shouted, "HEY CANTERLOT SNOBS! BE PREPARED TO GET AN EARGASM!" Almost instantly, a crowd appeared. Mostly because Celestia was part of it, and people tried to look good in front of her. Or ponies. Whatever. "Alright! For those of you who were at my lecture last night, this is a song that my uncle taught me that represents his view of Christmas with my family." I began. The season's upon us It's that time of year brandy and eggnog there's plenty of cheer. there's lights on the trees and there's wreaths to be hung there's mischief and mayhem and songs to be sung. there's bells and there's holly the kids are gung ho! true love finds a kiss beneath fresh mistletoe some family's are messed up while others are fine if you think yours is crazy, well you should see mine! my sisters are whackjobs I wish I had none their husbands are losers and so are their sons my nephew's a horrible wise little twit he once gave me a nice gift-wrapped box full of shit. he likes to pelt carolers with icy snowballs I'd like to take 'em out back and deck more than the halls with famiily like this I would have to confess I'd be better of lonely distraught and depressed The season's upon us It's that time of year brandy and eggnog there's plenty of cheer. there's lights on the trees and there's wreaths to be hung there's mischief and mayhem and songs to be sung. They call this Christmas, where I'm from! my mom likes to cook push our buttons and prod my brother just brought home another big broad. the eyes roll and whispers come loud from the kitchen I'd come home more often if they'd only quit bitchin. dad on the other hand's a selfish old sod drinks whiskey alone with my miserable dog who won't run or fetch he couldn't care less he defiled my teddy bear and left me the mess The season's upon us It's that time of year brandy and eggnog there's plenty of cheer. there's lights on the trees and there's wreaths to be hung there's mischief and mayhem and songs to be sung. They call this Christmas, where I'm from! The table's set we raise a toast to the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost! I'm so glad this day only comes once a year! You can keep your opinions your presents, your Happy New Year! They call this Christmas where I'm from! Yeah, They call this Christmas where I'm from! Celestia stomped her hooves in applause, causing everyone else to do so out of respect. Whatever. I walked up to Celestia. "Where's Twilight?" I asked. "In the Canterlot library. Why? Are you going to have sex? I swear, if you're going to have sex..." "No. I'm just going to ask her a question." "Ok." I started walking away as Discord walked up and started making out with Celestia (why am I writing this). "GET A GODDAM ROOM" "WE'RE BORED OF ROOMS" I fucking ran. The Canterlot Library I walked around and found Twilight sitting on a sofa, reading the book I got her. "You enjoying it?" She flinched. "Ah- Kuroyami? What are you doing here?" "Well, uh, to be honest, I got kinda lonely at home..." "Oh..." "And, not to sound selfish but, um, it's customary to give a gift in return." I motioned towards the book. "Ah, um..." "Yeah..." Well, this is awkward... I thought. "So. Um, what would you like?" I decided. "Surprise me." "What?" "You claim to be in love with me. What do you even know about me? Here's your chance to prove it." "F-fine. I'll get you a gift so great that you'll fall in love with me!" She ran off. "That's statistically improbable!" I shouted after her. "SSSSHHHHH!" A librarian whispered loudly to me. I sat down in Twilight's chair, and noticed that she forgot the book. I opened it up to where she was. She was already almost halfway through. "Damn she reads fast." I decided to scry and check out her progress. It's only stalking if I'm physically following her. I rolled up my left sleeve. "Vigilate." (Latin for 'watch') Some of the runes on my arm glowed and I closed my eyes. Wherever the hell Twilight was She walked up the street towards a coffee shop. She sat down at a table and ordered a latte. "Ugh, what am I gonna get for him? And even after I made that claim... What do I know about him?" She got her latte and sipped it as she thought. "He can fight well, seeing how he beat Shining. He likes rock music. He's against child molestation, but I don't see how that's useful... Damn, that's about it." She sighed, finished off her latte, and stood up. She walked up the street- CONNECTION INTERRUPTED I opened my eyes and saw Shining Armor in front of me. In pony form. "Goddamn." "I'm going to fucking kill you." "Have to catch me first~!" I sang as I jumped out the window. He jumped after me and we ran down the street. Insert Epic Chase Scene Later, at the Town Center I skidded to a stop in front of Discord and Celestia- -who were still making out (please stop me) "Have you been there all day???" He finally dislodged himself. "Yes." Shining Armor caught up. "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!" I sighed. "Dude, go smoke some weed or something." "THAT'S THE PROBLEM!!!" "Well. I don't care." He charged me, making a shield and spear for himself out of magic. I jumped out of the way, saying "Now that's just unfair! I don't have a weapon." Then Twilight ran up. "Kuroyami! Here's your gift!" She threw me a long box. "Thanks. Here's your book. You dropped it." "Oh. Thanks." I unwrapped the box and opened it up. "Is this... A Katana made of Equestrian steel? How do your smiths even know about Katantas, Celestia?" "They became popular since your first visit." "Ah. That explains it. And Twilight, I guess you do know me. I'm a simple guy who likes to fight. Now, come at me, Twilight's Bro!" He charged me again. I parried his spear and kicked his shield so that it hit him in the face. Then I sidestepped and smashed the hilt against his head, knocking him unconscious. "And that's that." I turned to Discord. "I'm ready to go back." He opened the portal. "I'll be back for summer!" I entered. The end. For real this time.