//------------------------------// // Chapter 8 // Story: Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, Twilight Sparkle! // by defender2222 //------------------------------// Twas the Night Before Hearth's Warming And even the tiniest little mouse was mourning the series finale of the Fox TV show 'House' The fouls were all nestled In their beds without sleep For they had consumed so much sugar It would make any dentist weep Papa was in his lounge chair drinking bourbon, to be blunt While mama was on the sofa massaging her back When out of the lawn The arose such a clatter So papa grabbed his club like he was a Detroit Tiger's Batter He gazed out the bay window And what did he see? It was just old man Simmons In his yard taking a pee "I told you before!" The old stallion said "You pee in my yard And I'll beat ya dead!" So while papa was busy shoving Simmons in the trash bin Nightmare Moon Junior Quietly crept in She smiled and winked Oh, how she was quick She stole every present including little Billy's stick Hurrying to the back door She placed a hoof to her nose Stuck out her tongue and away she rose! "Twilight, why are you rhyming like that?" Spike asked from his perch on the wagon Twilight had stolen, bags full of gifts loaded up and ready to be destroyed. "I'm sorry, were you talking to me?" the unicorn said. Spike let out a sigh. "Fine... Nightmare Moon Junior... why are you rhyming like that?" Twilight laughed. "Oh Spike, every pony knows that when you go out stealing holidays you must rhyme." "I don't think-" "What's this? What's this? There's white stuff in the air!" Jake Skullington (who was NOT Jack Skellington in any way, shape or form) sang, dancing about. "What's this-" "Hey, this is my crime! Go get your own!" Twilight screamed. "Ok, ok... geez," the skeleton said sadly, walking off with his hands in his pockets. “I thought Princess Misty killed him a few months ago,” Spike stated. “Spike, no one reads The God Squad.” “…did you break the fourth wall?” "Now then, let's make sure we are on track. You have my checklist, right?" Spike nodded, rolling his eyes. "Yes Twilight. And I have the check list for the checklist, and the checklist for that one, and the checklist for all your checklists." "Good!" Twilight said with a grin, her armored hooves clanking as she walked. "Read the list off for me." "Let's see... Steal the Crystal Heart... place memory charm on the Crystal Ponies... make very complicated security system to guard heart... talk to doctor about itch in throat-" "Spike, that is King Sombra's checklist." "Oops. Sorry Twilight." "Nightmare Moon Junior!" Twilight screamed, lightning cracking overhead. "Ok, ok, sorry!" Spike exclaimed, throwing his hands out to defend himself. "Now that we have that straightened up, let’s get going to the next house." The unicorn's horn flared and the wagon began to rumble long the path, heading towards the next sleepy household. "After this one I really think we should dump all of this in Ghastly Gorge so we have plenty of room for all the junk we get from Pinkie's place." Spike waited a few moments before speaking "Uh, Nightmare Moon Junior...” “Nightmare Moon Junior is listening.” “…can I just call you Twilight for short?" "Nightmare Moon Junior will allow this." "Twilight, aren't you worried that ponies will be upset with you robbing them?" "Not really." Spike shook his head. "But you do realize that they WILL be upset." "Of course Spike but I find I just don't care. They are the ones that made Hearth's Warming about things instead of bonding over love and friendship... they were practically begging for some pony to come and rob them of all their possessions in an attempt to murder and rape a holiday." "I think you and I have different definitions for begging," Spike stated. Twilight waved him off. "Be that as it may be, I don't have time to concern myself with the corrupt ponies. I need to kill Hearth's Warming Day and committing grand theft is the only way to murder it. Then, and only then, will this evil holiday's evil curse be broken and my friends be freed from its tyrannical grip!" Spike leaned down over the bag he was sitting on. "But Twilight, what if your friends don't thank you for ruining their holiday... what if they just form a lynch mob?" "First off, they ruined my holiday first, so they can suck my horn. Second, if they try and form a lynch mob, I will just go with plan B." "And what is plan be?" Twilight giggled. "Flood the world till all the wicked are drowned." "Twilight!" The unicorn shrugged. "Don't worry, i have an ark ready and I even collected two of every animal... only females though, as I don't want any hankie-pankie while we are waiting out the flood." Spike shook his head sadly. "Why are the pretty ones always insane?" ~MC~MC~MC~ "There we go!" Spike said, swinging the door of Rarity’s boutique open. "I told you it would be easier than throwing a boulder through a wall." "Should I be concerned that you knew right where Rarity keeps her hide-a-key?" The baby dragon shrugged. "Sometimes I like to sneak in and watch Rarity sleep... it isn't creepy." "No no, of course not," Twilight said quickly. "It isn't." The unicorn flashed her assistant a smile. "Of course it isn't." Under her breath, the insane mare (who was dressed in the armor of a mass murderer and trying to rape a holiday) muttered, "Pyscho..." After a few minutes spent making sure they were along, Twilight turned and addressed her little purple friend. "Alright, so I will go and get the presents. You check Rarity's bedroom for any hidden gifts." Spike gave her a salute and scampered off. Twilight began to softly sing to herself as she grabbed all the presents under the tree and used her magic to float them out the door. As she was doing this, she, of course, sang a song that was a classic of Christmas time... Twilight Killing in the name of! Sing that shit! (censored) the police Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Huh! Killing in the name of! Killing in the name of And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya But now you do what they told ya Well now you do what they told ya Those who died are justified, for wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites You justify those that died by wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites Those who died are justified, for wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites You justify those that died by wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses Uggh! Killing in the name of! Killing in the name of And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya, now you're under control (7 times) And now you do what they told ya, now you're under control And now you do what they told ya, now you're under control And now you do what they told ya, now you're under control And now you do what they told ya, now you're under control And now you do what they told ya, now you're under control And now you do what they told ya, now you're under control And now you do what they told ya! "Huh... what's going on?" Sweetie Belle murmured, trotting down the stairs. Her parents had left her with her sister while they went on vacation, because like all ponies she had a horrible relationship with her parents (seriously... we've never met Rainbow Dash parents, Twilight's haven't said a word to her in 2 years, Applejack's are dead, Pinkie's are amish and Fluttershy's are in jail for trying to assassinate Princess Celestia in a failed attempt to impress Jodie Foster). "Who... who are you?" "I am Ni-" Twilight stopped when she realized that telling the filly she was Nightmare Moon Junior would result in screams, which would mean she would have to murder the filly to shut her up, which would lead to finding somewhere to bury the body and she had lent her good shovel to Fluttershy. "I mean... I am the Ghost that Never Fibs." "Really?" Sweetie said in glee. "Did you get my letters?" "Uh... sure. Anyway, why don't you do me a favor and go back to bed." "Rarity makes me sleep in the sink... I have accidents." The filly scuffed her hoof against the floor. "Super... so, let's go back to your sink." Sweetie blinked as she saw a present float out the door. "Wait, why are you taking all my presents?" Twilight consider the words of little Sweetie Belle And considered which lie she would be forced to tell Then she got an idea an awful idea A horrible, hideous stupid idea. "I am stealing them so I can kill Hearth's Warming Day and then rape its corpse." "... RARITY!" Sweetie Belle screamed. "Crap!" Twilight exclaimed, hurrying over and grabbing Sweetie Belle and wrapping her up in some spare ribbon (made of gold thread and crushed emeralds... very expensive) and stuffing a sock in her mouth (I’m sorry, I have to interrupt here… what the hell is up with the sock thing? Seriously, it is just stupid. Can we all just admit it was stupid and stop referencing it?). "Spike, our cover is blown!" The baby dragon hurried down, his arms filled with Rarity's undergarments. "I found a bunch of stuff... i even found a lightsaber in Rarity's bedstand drawer!" "Leave it, we need to go!" "But... but..." Spike flapped all the clothing he wanted to steal. "Who is down there? Don't make me get my gun!" "LEAVE IT!" Twilight screamed, grabbing the last present and bolting out of the door, Spike on her heels. "Sweetie Belle?" Rarity asked, trotting down the stairs. "What happened?" Looking down at the pile of clothing Rarity dug around and pulled out her lightsaber, activating it and cutting Sweetie's bonds. (What? You thought it would be something else? What else could it... oh, you people are sick!)