Dr. Pinkhatten
Ch.01 “Baked goods and other plot devices”
I have lived many years, and in all those years I have told this story countless times, but only now I have the strength to make this confession: I lied. Not a big lie, mind you, but a small one, negligible you might call it; yet to this day it haunts me and I have no choice but to come clean.
I've described how the events unfolded time and time again; I spoke of celestial choirs, of rays of light descending from above, of the whole world holding it's breath for a moment before hailing her coming. I described how the earth split asunder, the fire from the depths encircling her, as if she was some kind of demon. I've spun metaphors, similes and onomatopoeia all to describe that reality shattering moment. It was all a lie. The truth is, when she ascended to godhood, the only sound that could be heard was a faint "poof".
It happened on a late winter evening. It should have been too late for snow, but an overworked weather-pony and a misplaced zero had provided Ponyville with an abundance of snow, so all of Ponyville was covered under a thick white blanket.
The snowfall had stopped for now; left behind was a place that barely resembled the Ponyville I had come to know. The usually bright and colorful village was only illuminated by moonshine - and for a short while everything turned into monochrome: white snow and the dark night sky; whitewashed walls and dark windows. It was beautiful - if a bit eery.
At the time, of course, I didn't have any admiration for the scenery around me. For the nth time that evening I wondered which fit of insanity had motivated me to plow through the nearly head high snow. It took me a while to remind myself that this particular fit of insanity also happened to be one of my best friends.
The scroll had arrived just as I was ready to relax, a mug of tea and one or two selected books at my side. I didn't question how Pinkie had accessed Spike's dragonfire-communication when only Princes Celestia and a few other distinguished people had the necessary knowledge to do so. If I had learned anything about the pink party mare, then it was not to question her; that way lay only madness.
The message had been short and clear:"Meet me at Sugarcube Corner if you want to be part of the next step in confectionery evolution." (Okay her exact words were:" I baked the the super duper bestest cupcake of all times. Wanna come over and eat it together?")
Normally I would have been quick to ignore the message, but for some reason I had to think of the parasprite plague from a few months prior and suddenly I had been determined not to ignore my friend again. The fact that she promised free baked goods might have played a minor part in it as well.
While I had been busy retracing my reasoning, Sugarcube Corner had come into view. It's radiant colors were a stark contrast to the otherwise nearly "noir" feeling of the snow covered city.
It was a real gingerbread house.
The gingerbread style had been in vogue during the year 870 of Celestia's Reign, and for a short time you couldn't go anywhere without stumbling across sugarcoated shingles, caramel cushions, or candy cane doorknobs. But only very few could afford a real gingerbread house, and even fewer had the foresight to maintain it. All this made Sugarcube Corner into an architectural marvel held together by love, care, a hint of magic, and enough preservatives to instantly mummify anyone foolish enough to nibble on the facade.
Wearily I approached the door. By then the snow had soaked through my winter clothing and I was freezing.
The showroom was dark, not surprising at the late hour, and when I peered through the window I could only make out a faint glow from the kitchen.
I knocked, impatient for a chance to warm up and get out of my wet clothes.
The house remained silent. If someone had heard me, they were ignoring me.
I knocked again, this time with a little more vigor since my patience was running pretty thin by then. Surprised I watched the door swing inwards.
I peered into the showroom, gently illuminating the empty bakery with my horn. I felt a knot forming in my stomach as I scanned the room for any irregularities."No, no, you know what happens when you overreact." I tried to calm myself, my mind already drawing horror scenarios of horrible monsters from the Everfree Forest or demented cake burglars.
I nearly screamed when a sudden clatter could be heard from the kitchen. Slowly I crept towards the back room, frantically trying to remember those self defense spells my brother had taught me.
Hoof by hoof I drew closer to the door. Ten paces, five paces, three, two. Only the hoof that was jammed into my mouth prevented me from screaming like a little filly, when a voice whispered directly into my ear:"Pssst!"
It took me several seconds to recognize the bright pink fur that was the trademark of the Element of Laughter. With the hoof still occupying my oral capacities, I only managed to raise an eyebrow, looking at my friend. The normally hyperactive pony silently waved for me to follow her before trotting into the kitchen. Since her hoof was still stuck in my muzzle I obliged.
The kitchen had been turned into a battlefield. Broken eggs as well as half emptied bags of flour and sugar lay all about. One counter was completely occupied by bowls, filled with frosting of different colors and presumably taste. The floor was littered with a heaps of flour and an assortment of hastily written recipes.
Pinkie ignored the mess all around us following the single safe trail through the chaos towards a silver plate with a matching cover over it.
With a showy gesture, the likes of which I usually associated with Rarity, she lifted the cover revealing a cupcake.
"So, what do you think? Isn't this the bestest cupcake ever?" Pinkie asked, still unnaturally quiet as if she feared that the cupcake would implode upon being exposed to loud noise.
When I failed to answer she removed her hoof from my mouth, giving me a chance to reply:"I don't know, it looks like a normal cupca...." I had given the cupcake a second, more thorough look while speaking. Suddenly it hit me. This wasn't just "a cupcake" neither was it "the cupcake" it was simple "cupcake". It felt like someone had captured the quintessence of everything cupcake, like someone had taken a universe and then removed everything unrelated to cupcakes, like the gestalt entity of cupcakes all around Equestria. Never had I seen such perfection.
"So do you want the left or the right half?" the pink party pony chimed, and before I could stop her she had chopped this piece of art into half. I could feel a small piece of my soul die. The very fabric of the universe around me seemed to weep over the loss of this piece of perfection.
"Grmfgl!" I managed to say, still shaken by the sacrilege I had just witnessed.
"I can have both? Thanks Twilight, you are the bestest friend one could ever hope for." and with that exclamation she gobbled both halves down.
I was only seconds away from strangling the life out of my friend. Thankfully I was spared the ordeal of having to find out, how to strangle somepony with hooves, because suddenly "poof".
The world around me disappeared into a white cloud, that strangely enough smelled of cinnamon and bananas. When the smoke had cleared, I found myself sharing the room with an alicorn that looked remarkably like Pinkie Pie.