//------------------------------// // Finder's Keepers // Story: Upstart Villainy // by Compendium of Steve //------------------------------// Upstart Villainy Finder’s Keepers They won’t stand a chance this time, he thought. Finally, after months of planning, they stood at the cusp of supreme victory, once and for all, until the end of time. The wicked cool tyrant with the blazing hair and awe-inducing bulk looked to the gleaming kingdom ahead that would serve as his conquest, then looked down at the vast numbers of his army. Goombas, para-troopas, buzzy beetles, lakitus, every variant of Hammer Bro—from cannon fodder to special ops—all of them awaited his command, the order that would turn them loose onto a helpless populace. Oh yes, Bowser was totally in the zone. “My faithful peons!” he bellowed. “The time for the Mushroom Kingdom’s destruction is at hand! Though you’ve undoubtedly tasted defeat countless times, today my unerring leadership and brilliant planning has made it so that we will not lose this time around. Through sheer numbers we’ll crush our foes, take what is rightfully mine, and give this world the awesome ruling it deserves! So show no fear, take no quarter, do not hesitate to use one another for shields, and kick some mushroom butt!” A resounding battle cheer rose from his legionaries, announcing their willingness to lay down their lives for their supremely awesome ruler to have a chance at total victory. Despite many past failings, it reassured him that loyalty remained solid amongst the ranks. “Man, I’m just too good,” he said to himself, just as a small black creature skittered up to him from the side. “L-lord Bowser! I bring urgent news!” the ninji cried. “Report, soldier.” “From the east, another army approaches, led by a most heinous despot. They are marching on an intercept course with us, your Vileness.” “Another army? Who could...” Bowser’s eyes widened as he made a growl in annoyance. “Really, him? Now of all times!?” The Koopa King looked eastward, and watched as another army appeared over a nearby hill. It did indeed look similar to his, except at the front leading them was... Ugh, "King" Sombra. The four-legged upstart looked just as stupid as always in his tacky red cape and lame armor. His eyes were glowing green as usual. Since when were they not glowing green? Just something else that irked Bowser to no end, and he wasn’t about to take any of it today. Not when something this big was going down. “Hey, moron!” he yelled at the other army. “What do you think you’re doing?” “Launching a surprise mass attack, isn’t it obvious?” the unicorn yelled back across the vast expanse of the gathering grounds. “Oh wait, it wouldn’t be obvious, since you’re about as dimwitted as any other turtle, only larger and smellier.” “At least I’m not some loser-corn with seriously bad complexion!” 'Heh, nice burn,' he thought. “And what’s this about launching an attack? It better not be anywhere near the Mushroom Kingdom. That’s my territory!” “Well, there isn’t any other kingdom close by. You can’t expect me to bring an invasion down on empty, uninhabited plains now would you?” “You step off! I’ve been planning this attack for months, and it’s cost me tons of manpower and resources to make it as freakin’ massive as it is!” “Months you say? Ha! Slowness ever befitting a turtle, as usual. I thought up and organized this invasion force in under a week. For that kingdom’s sake, I say they’d much rather be attacked by the more competent strategist.” “My scaly butt! You organized squat; most of your ‘army’ is from my side. Hey, Felix! Did you guys seriously abandon me for a horse?” “We’re sorry, Lord Bowser,” replied a troopa within Sombra’s camp. “But he actually offers dental, and never once in my time of service did you even give us a discount." “Gwuh!? You idiot, you don’t even have teeth!” “The goombas do, as do the thwomps.” “Wait, you have thwomps over there as well!?” 'So much for rock-steady loyalty,' Bowser thought, and that stupid Sombra was chuckling like a dummy over it. “See, you can’t even keep your own subjects in line, and yet you remain their king. How sorry I feel for them.” Sombra pretended to wipe a tear as he kept laughing. “Furthermore, I highly doubt you thought up a contingency plan should your attack fail, given your track record.” That horse was seriously getting on Bowser’s nerves, more so than usual. “Grrrrrrrr. Well you know what, smart aleck? I actually did come up with a back-up plan for this! Wheel it in, boys!” Bowser turned to face a group of troops that carried over a massive gold bob-omb. After the troops let the bomb down and left, the Koopa King patted a claw against its gilded side. “This baby here is the end-all to all end-alls, the Bob-OOM. If things turn sour, I just light the fuse and before you know it, nothing’s left! If I can’t have the Mushroom Kingdom this time, nobody will! Bwuhahahaha!” “Oh my, you actually considered defeat an option. What a surprise.” Sombra gave a chuckle. “Though I give you credit for thinking past the first strike, it’s nothing to be amazed by, since I have come up with a contingency as well.” With a whisk of his dumb red horn, Sombra made a sizable bomb with his face on it appear beside him. Seriously, the guy puts his own face on a bomb? 'How full of yourself can you be,' Bowser wondered. “I give you the Shadow Bomb, my good turtle. When activated by my dark magic, it will unleash a wave of darkness that will consume all things that exist in the light. Should I fail, the kingdom will be plunged into intangibility. A more elegant and cruel outcome than merely blowing everything to bits.” “Ya can’t go wrong with the classics, bub. And really, ‘Shadow Bomb’? More like ‘Shadow Bore’ with a name that uncreative! If you’re that lazy with naming things, then I take it your glorious new empire will be called ‘Generic Evil Land’.” “At least a name like Shadow Bomb isn’t as painfully stupid as ‘Bob-OOM’. To be perfectly honest, I feel embarrassed for the both of us: you for saying it, and me for having heard it.” “Whatever!” Sombra polished his armored hoof against his chest before looking it over. “Face it: you’ve had your chances. Your many, many chances, but now it’s come time for someone proper to rule over this land with an iron hoof. Someone who’s had actual experience running a conquered empire.” “H-hey! I’ve conquered this place before, y’know!” “For about a week, at most.” Okay that does it. “Oh yeah!? Let’s see how high and mighty a conqueror you are when you’re flat as a pancake! Gimme That!” Putting both his beefy claws around the Bob-OOM, Bowser hefted the WMD and swung around to perform a powerful toss. With a large explosive coming right at him, Sombra quickly levitated his Shadow Bomb and flung it skyward to stop it. The two bombs collided and bounced off one another, flying upwards and backwards as all eyes below looked on. Eventually the Shadow Bomb landed in the middle of Bowser’s army, and the Bob-OOM did the same in Sombra’s. A moment later the two bombs began ticking, much to the opposing rulers’ shock. “Why’s your dumb bomb ticking?” Bowser asked. “You said it needed your stupid dark magic to activate!” “And you said that yours needed to be lit,” Sombra said. “Not bumped against something heavy!” “Maybe it’s a failsafe, in case it couldn’t be lit. What’s your excuse?” “Only dark magic can set mine to go off. If sheer stupidity were a lesser form of that magic, then colliding with your personal abomination must have been enough to set it off.” “Hey, the Bob-OOM is genius and you’re too jealous to admit it!” “Does it matter? We’re about to be blown up by shoddy craftsmanship!” “Hey, you’re right. The one who made the bomb, it’s their fault!” “Only my dark magic is supposed to have an effect, no one else’s. This cutting of corners cannot be forgiven!” “Yo, Mowzer!” “Dedric!” “You're Fired!” “You're Fired!” The two bombs went off, engulfing the two armies (and their bickering leaders) in a massive wave of fire and darkness that mixed into a tempestuous soup of lightning and agony. Down in the Mushroom Kingdom, the citizens briefly panicked over the sight and sound of the dual explosion on the horizon, but as the sky began to clear minutes later, they resumed their lives worry-free. In short, just another day for the Mushroom Kingdom and, sadly, its villains. So It Begins