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// Best Off Day Ever 
// Story: The Janitor of Canterlot Castle 
// by Lavaman 
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	It was two in the morning on a Saturday when I was rudely awoken by a knock at my door. While, of course, I didn't have work that day, I still want to enjoy my days off rested and relaxed. I groggily got out of my bed and rubbed my eyes, making my way to the door while yawning as well. There was another knock, and I replied "Yeah, yeah! I'm comin'!" You can't expect to wake ponies up at two a.m. and they dash to the door.

I open the door, and standing there wide awake is Octavia, and for some reason, she has a smile on her face. "What?" I ask impatiently.

"Well Pillows, I do realize its early, but this is the only time suitable for me that I can talk to you. See, I have a big concert tonight at the Royal Canterlot Concert Hall, performing with a famous orchestra from all around Equestria. I have here..." She pulls out a concert ticket from her saddle bag. "A balcony seat for you tonight at seven. And after that, perhaps we could go grab some supper?"

She hands me the ticket. "Thank you, this is all very nice, but why this early? You know I barely get enough sleep as it is." I walk over to the kitchen and get myself some coffee.

"Well, I'm rehearsing all throughout the day starting at eight. I know that's usually when you wake up on Saturdays, so I needed to get to you early. Oh, and you will be there, right?" I nod my head while taking a sip of coffee. It's not like I have to go save the world, or anything. "Great! See you at seven." I smile back and wave goodbye.

Seeing as I was wide awake, I just went about my morning needs by feeding myself breakfast, taking a shower, and finally finding something formal to wear. Luckily, after Celestia remodeled the apartment, she added a fully-stocked, magical closet. It had just about anything for just about anything. Need a fancy tux? It's in there. Need something casual? Look around and its there. Looking for a hot dog costume? It's not there. Hot dogs don't exist. We're herbivores.

After finishing all these small tasks, it's only about six a.m. So, I just kinda do what I want to around the apartment, mostly just trying to kill time for tonight's concert. It doesn't work, sadly, as I got bored after twenty minutes.

I decided it was best to leave the apartment and do something in Canterlot for a change. See, I really don't do much outside of work, my apartment, and video game programming lessons. I've always just been a hermit my entire life, and I blame it mostly on my childhood in the foster house. Their motto was practically "Going outside is for chumps." Well, that's me exaggerating. Their real motto was "Going outside is for dummies."

Anywho, I made my way down the street and over into the richer part of Canterlot. Where I live, there's much more crime (about two crimes committed per month) and everything isn't as nice. I enter the commercial district of the rich area, and all I see is gleaming store fronts, clean roads, and snobbish ponies with their heads held high. Some scoff at me, as I am without clothes and have an exposed game controller cutie mark. Most higher class ponies are quite weird when it comes to wearing clothes. But you'd think they'd try to hide their... um... parts.

Moving on. I headed down the bright cobblestone street, stopping to view the merchandise in the stores every once and a while. I can only window shop, as everything here is far over my budget of five bits.

I do get hungry soon, and settle on some ice cream from a street vendor. So, after that, I'm broke. It did fill me up, thankfully, so I headed on my way. I checked my watch to see how much longer until the concert, and I was in luck; only an hour. So, I started to make my way to the concert hall over by the castle. It's not too far of a walk, so I enjoy the crisp night air.

But I have a very odd feeling. I feel as if I'm being watched; followed even. I quicken my pace up a little, but it doesn't help at all. I check my watch again, and its fifty minutes till the concert. I keep up a quick pace, and the concert hall is in sight! I had no worries of making it, just the mysterious feeling of being watched.

As I get about fifty feet away from the hall, I hear a rustling from a nearby bush, and a gang of tough-looking earthies come out, only three strong. They begin to walk towards me slowly, and then the biggest one speaks. "Hey there, buddy. Think ya got any money to spare?" He pulls out a silver dagger, stained with blood.

I gulp. "N-no. I d-d-don't."

"Then how does a dumbass janitor like you afford to go to a concert?" says one of the "gentlecolts" from the back. I don't even know how it knows I'm a janitor. Oh wait. I clean even during public events. No rest for Pillows.

"M-my gi-r-rl-fri-end ga-ave me tick-ets. C-can I pl-ease j-j-ust g-go?" My heart is beating into my throat. I think I was about to throw it up from all the fear.

"Too bad, squirt. 'Cause tonight, you're getting mugged." says the earthie holding the silver dagger, as if I didn't know that already.. And for some odd reason, I got the weirdest idea. It was just a spur of the moment sort of thing, and was extremely stupid and brave.

"No, you're getting mugged!" I say cheerfully, as if I were an idiot who didn't understand how life works. The pony looks at me with an open jaw, and his dagger drops to the floor. The other two ponies behind him are in the same state of shock.

After a while, the leader breaks the silence. "HOW THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!?!!? C'mon, fellas! Let's scram! This ponies too tough for the likes of us!" The dart back into the bushes, and I never hear or see them again.

I look up to the sky, for some reason, and say "I guess the internet is good for things other than annoying memes that are way too overused." Then I took an arrow to the knee because a guard thought I was a mugger for some reason.

I check my watch one last time, and that odd little incident was enough to kill fifteen minutes, but that doesn't matter, as I'm about to see the world's greatest concert. I walk through the doors and the loveliness begins.

---

I wake up in the morning feelin' like a piece of shit. My memory of last night is unclear, I have a killer headache, I'm nauseous, and I am extremely thirsty. My mane smells like ten million sweaty fat nerds who live in their mom's basement, because I threw up on my pillow last night, apparently. I look over to my right and laying next to me is Octavia sleeping, and something that looks like a used... oh sweet Celestia. No, I'm not gonna say it. Think of the children! It's too... odd for the younger people. Let your parents give you "the Talk" when you're older.

I check the time, and I'm already extremely late for work. Eh, I'm probably already fired anyways, so I take my sweet time getting ready and such. Octavia is still sleeping by the time I am ready to leave, so I slip out the door quietly.

I get to the castle to find that it isn't in ruins, and isn't lined with dirt because of me being gone for one day and a few hours. I check everywhere; the place is ninja-free, everything's cleaned, and even the Coffee Hallway is free of coffee stains. I'm baffled at how immaculate the castle is.

After a good thirty minutes of wandering around the castle aimlessly, I spot Celestia as I'm coming around the corner, who has returned from her trip. She doesn't seem mad or anything of the sorts. She's just in the stained glass hallway, chatting it up with some pony. Odd, he seems to be wearing the same uniform as I am. He also has my equipment and his own music player. He even has a name tag! His name is "Bed Sheets".

This makes me pretty angry. Obviously I was fired, I'm fine with that. That would leave me to fulfill my dreams of becoming a game designer. But the part that pisses me off is how quickly Celestia found a replacement for me. Do they always have replacements waiting to fill in for other janitors when they get fired? I'm blinded by fury, and begin to walk in there, and interrupt their conversation.

"Ah, Pillows! How's my f-" she says happily, but I cut her off.

"How long have you had a replacement waiting for me, huh? Is my slave labor not enough? Is that it? Do I always have to be on time to work every single day of my terrible life? Okay, the answer to that is yes, but I have a life even if it is kinda terrible! I-"

And then she cuts me off. "Pillows, you're not fired. Luna and I have realized that you have been working your flank off here, and that you don't get enough time off. So, we hired another janitor to help out. This is Bed Sheets." The other pony, who is an entirely white unicorn, waves shyly at me. "He will be working at the castle every Wednesday through Saturday to cover for you. On top of that, you're now the manager of janitorial services here at the castle, and we're even giving you a fifteen bit raise."

That all happened quickly. I'm speechless, as it takes my brain a while to process what just happened. I just didn't know what to say right then and there, so I did the only thing I could think of. I hugged the princess. I mean... I just... EHHHHH. She was a bit shocked at first, but soon returned the hug and stepped back.

"Okay then, Pillows. Why don't you go take the day off, and Bed Sheets will finish up here. After all, you have that hangover to take care of as well as a sleeping Octavia." She walks away. Damn goddesses who see all and know all. But I don't really care, after all, I can finally afford nicer things now! Maybe! Or not! I don't really care, because I'm just so happy. I don't feel so unhappy inside anymore, I feel so much happier. But then I throw up from the hangover, so it kinda spoils the moment.

I return to my apartment to find that Octavia had just woken up, and she is quite exhausted from the concert. She explains to me all about what happened last night. Apparently, I drank a whole lot of wine while I was there, and got really drunk. So, she took me home, and we did the thing that I won't talk about for the children, and then this is the current point in time that I am right now. These past two days have probably been my best, seeing as nothing amazing happens in my life. It just goes to show, that even though life can be a big, fat bitch to you, it will occasionally take pity on your soul and give you some good things in life. Now I just have Monday to look forward to, seeing as it'll be my first day being the Manager of Janitorial Services. Who knows what sort of crap that will bring with the new janitor?

In the end, it's never truly easy for the Janitor of Canterlot Castle.