Your Beutifull

by theswimminbrony

Chapter 1: The Usual

The mail arrived twenty minutes late that day, just as usual.

"Spike!" Twilight Sparkle called from atop her perch, a wobbly stack of books that reached to the highest shelf of the library's bookcase. "Mail's here! Can you run out and get it, please?"

"Sure thing, Twilight!" Spike responded, dashing to the door. "You know that I'm not your..." He paused, raising a claw to scratch his head. "Twilight, what exactly are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm just looking for a good book to read for today," Twilight sang. "You know, the usual."

"Yes, I can see that, but, eh..."

"But what?"

"Wouldn't it be just a bit easier to, I dunno, use magic?" said Spike. "Not to mention a liiiittle less dangerous?"

Twilight giggled. "Spike, you worry too much." The tower of books teetered to the right. Spike winced and shielded himself from the possible collapse, but a quick shift of balance on Twilight Sparkle's behalf corrected the threat. "You see? They don't call me Tricky Twilight for nothing!"

Spike smacked his face with his palm. "Nopony calls you Tricky Twilight," he deadpanned.

"Just let me have my fun, will you?"

The dragon rolled his eyes and continued to the mailbox, leaving Twilight alone with her stack of books. She refocused on the row of tomes in front of her, eyes skimming over the bindings. She couldn't help but smile as she did—there was so much literature, so much learning all in one place, and none of it was more than a hoof's reach away. It was a paradise of words, and she was ready to bask in their meanings

"Now, let's see here," she spoke to herself. "A Prelude to Celestia's Empire? Nah, read it too many times. The Creatures of the Everfree? Too Fluttershy. Naked Singularity? Too Rarity. Wait... what's this?" Her hoof paused on a book that appeared unfamiliar, and seemed old enough to predate Ponyville itself. Its binding had worn thin from the passage of time, its pale violet hue indicative of a better time. Twilight Sparkle removed the book from its spiderweb prison and brushed a crusty layer of dust from its cover. When the book's identity refused to reveal itself, she let loose a mighty blow, releasing fumes of all sorts into the air around her, along with a faint musky scent. Some of the fumes found their way into the maw of Twilight Sparkle, triggering a bout of coughing that almost sent the librarian to her doom. When the dust settled and the tower of books righted itself once again, the title of the ancient Equestrian text made itself visible to the world at last.

"What in the...?"

"Twilight!" Spike shouted, swinging the front door open with all his strength. The door hit the wall with a mighty thud, shaking the very foundations of the Treebrary.

Twilight Sparkle, still atop her precarious perch, stood no chance.

Spike backed away as he watched the tower collapse in what felt like slow motion. The first tome slipped out from under Twilight Sparkle's hooves and careened off the bookcase which she faced. She fell back first upon the next volume beneath her, causing the less-than-stoic structure to fall to pieces. Books flew in each and every way, a spiraling mare in the center of it all, sounding the name of her assistant at the top of her lungs.

There was a crash, followed by a cloud of dust, and then all was still.

After the ensuing crash had finally ceased, Spike drew the courage to open his eyes and survey the massacre that he had caused. Casualties were strewn about the battlefield, the victims contorted in ways that would have caused their owner to turn away. At the center of it all, an old and ragged book lay shut, a groaning Twilight Sparkle next to it.

"Twilight? Are you o—"

"Yes."

The dragon jumped. "Are... are you sure?"

"Just start cleaning this up. Now."

Spike gulped. "Yes, Twilight..." He looked around the room. "But, er, where should I start, exactly?"

Out of nowhere, a book encased with a lavender hue smacked Spike in the face and fell into his claws.

"Equestrian Architecture and You: Why One Should Never Possess a Door that Swings Open to Slam the Wall," Spike read. Twilight Sparkle slowly sat up, a fire in her eyes that Spike had witnessed only once before. The corners of his mouth curved upwards in a nervous smirk, as he knew he was walking on thin ice. "Heh. Pretty funny, don't you think so, Twilight?"

The ice broke.

"Spike..."

There was a long silence as Twilight's expression changed from one of anger to a thoughtful one. Spike, who had recoiled instinctively, stood back up to his full height and scratched his head with a single claw.

"Twi—"

"Hang on!" Twilight interrupted. "I'm thinking."

"Of... what, exactly?"

"Well, in most pony cultures, I have noticed that it is widely considered customary for a parent and/or legal guardian to refer to a child by their full name while scolding them. It is a way for the elder to express their dominance and superiority over the younger, and also creates a sense of fear in the younger specimen, as shown by your immediate recoiling. This hammers the message home more clearly and decreases the probability of the incident in question from happening a second time."

Spike's eye twitched.

"But the more I think about it," Twilight continued, "the harder it is for me to get even an inkling as to what your surname is."

"I, er," Spike stammered. "I don't think I even have a last name."

"Oh," Twilight frowned. "Well, that puts a damper on things. Here I was, thinking that I was going to get a chance to test the things I learned from that parenting book, but—"

"Woah, woah, woah. Parenting book?"

"Well, yeah, I figured that—"

"Never mind!" said Spike. "So... you're not mad?"

Twilight shrugged. "Not particularly. It was my own fault for trying something as dangerous as that. Plus, it was all worth it in the end! I found this dusty old book on the top shelf. Check it out!"

Twilight hovered the book that sat next to her into Spike's face, eagerly awaiting his response. The dragon had to squint to read the ancient and faded print.

"Equestrian 3200: Every Pony's Guide to the Basics of Grammar," Spike said hesitantly. "This is your big find?"

Twilight set the book aside and shoved her smiling face inches from Spike's widened eyes. "Yes, isn't it amazing?" she chirped. "Just think of all the possibilities for this wondrous find!"

"Yeah, sure, great. Shouldn't I get to cleaning now?"

Twilight frowned. "You're never excited with my finds." She cast the book aside and snatched the small pile of envelopes from Spike's hand that both of them had seemed to have forgotten. "But yes, you should get back to work. Here's a broom."

The broom blindsided Spike and the dragon got to cleaning up the library without a complaint. Twilight returned her attention to the stack of letters in front of her and began to casually flip through them.

"Now, let's see. Bill... a notice from the town hall... another bill... a letter from Shiny... a sloppily-written letter with no return address... another bill." She paused. "Wait a second." She flipped back to the fifth letter, which, as she had noticed, lacked the return address that usually adorned the upper left-hand corner. It also lacked the protective casing of an envelope, and instead appeared to be a single sheet of brown parchment folded into thirds.

But what alarmed her most was the name of the pony on the front of it.

Twilight lurched back, as if she had been slapped.

"Spike?" she called. "Did you happen to see anypony... suspicious when you went out to get the mail?"

"Nope," Spike answered mid-sweep. "I just saw Derpy flying towards Applejack's. She looked like she was in a hurry, but that's not anything new, I suppose. Why do you ask?"

"Because," Twilight said, turning her attention back to the atrocity that hovered before her. "This." She levitated the letter over to Spike's claws. Spike glanced over the letter, turning it each and every way before giving a shrug of the shoulders.

"It's just a personal letter," Spike concluded. "I don't see what's so bad about it."

"They spelled my name wrong, Spike! Who knows what sort of atrocities await us on the inside?"

Spike sighed. "Look, Twilight, I know this kind of thing is important to you, but I bet it's just one of the schoolfoals over at Miss Cheerilee's writing you a thank-you card or something. Just shake it off, really."

Twilight snatched the letter out of Spike's clutches. "Okay, Spike. If you say so. Here goes nothing..."

Slowly, she peeled back the folds in the parchment, opening it to its full extent. A stain of what appeared to be drool decorated the bottom corner. Fearing the worst, Twilight turned the letter over and read its message.

It was worse than she could have ever anticipated.

A shrill shriek echoed through the Treebrary, causing Spike to jump several feet into the air. Twilight's ears were folded back in fear, the source of her fright held far away from her eyes.

"Twilight, what in Celestia's name was that for?"

Twilight merely shivered and raised a hoof to point at the floating letter. Cautiously, Spike tiptoed towards it, expecting an explosion of some sort, or something of an equally hazardous nature.

Instead, there were simply two words.

Two horrible, awful words.

All was silent. Twilight Sparkle's right eye twitched relentlessly as she continued to shiver. It was as if she were gazing upon Pinkie Pie's infamous "Souffle Surprise"—it was something so terrible, so hideously retching, so downright disgusting, yet she couldn't find a way to avert her gaze. It was disastrous. A crime, even.

Spike burst out laughing.

"Spike!" Twilight shouted, blushing profusely. She quickly closed the letter and cast it aside. "How disrespectful of you!"

The dragon clutched his sides and breathed heavily. "Sorry, Twilight," said Spike. "I guess that's just the last thing I expected to see on the letter, is all. You made it sound like it was something terrifying!"

"But it is!" Twilight protested. "Just look at it! Look at it!" The parchment flew directly into Spike's face.

"Oh, come on, Twilight, it's just a mushy love letter," said the dragon as he brushed the paper off of his face.

Twilight's body went rigid as a chill went through her bones. "A love... letter?"

"Well, yeah, it's not like ponies just anonymously leave letters saying 'you're beautiful' if they don't have romantic intentions," Spike explained. "What else could it be?"

"Spike, this is awful! Don't you see? They didn't even spell my name right on the front!"

"It could be anypony, really. Big Macintosh is pretty quiet, you never know what he's got on his mind..."

"And on top of it, they didn't even capitalize it! Doesn't everypony know that proper nouns should be capitalized?"

"Or that clockmaker downtown—what was his name again? Ah, yes, Doctor Whooves, that's right. He's pretty cool."

"And then there's this message on the inside: 'your beutifull'. First off, that's the wrong form of 'you're'..."

"And what about Comet Tail? I bet he heard you like stargazing and he just went from there."

"...'your' indicates possession, while 'you're' is a contraction of the words 'you' and 'are'. This would have been the correct choice in this context."

"It could always be a mare, though, you can never quite tell with them..."

"They also misspelled 'beautiful'. B-e-a-utiful, that's what Professor Whiteboard always taught us up in Canterlot."

"Carrot Top is a nice mare. Pretty, too. Oh, what about Roseluck? I've heard rumors that she's had her heart set on finding a marefriend as of late."

"And to top it all off, there's no punctuation whatsoever! How unprofessional! That's hardly acceptable in a simple memo, let alone a letter of love!"

"What if it's one of the other Elements of Harmony? Ooh, that'd be juicy. Just as long as it's not Rarity, then—"

"For the love of Celestia, Spike! Have you been listening to a single word I've been saying this entire time?"

"Sorry, Twilight," Spike apologized. "I guess I just got a little carried away, is all."

"You think?"

"Well, think about it, Twilight! You've spent all this time in Ponyville, but you haven't had a single stallionfriend or marefriend yet! Don't you think it's about time you came out of your shell and started looking for someone to spend your time with other than the friends you've made? Romance is just a serious friendship, after all."

Twilight nodded. "That may be true, Spike, but there are more important things to be taken care of right now."

"Such as?"

"Grammar."

"Grammar?" Spike whined.

"Grammar," Twilight confirmed. "Look at this. Violations of rules everywhere! It almost hurts to look at!" A sly grin came across the librarian's face as she turned to her assistant. "I think, my dear friend, you know what needs to be done."

"You're going to find out who wrote this letter and go on a date with them?" Spike hopefully suggested.

"Wrong," Twilight Sparkle said, stamping her hoof on the ground. "I think it's about time I taught good old Ponyville a lesson in grammar—Sparkle style."

"I was afraid of that," Spike sighed, lowering his head. "Shall I get the parchment?"

"And the quills," Twilight confirmed. "Lots of them." Her gaze fell on her newly-discovered book and smiled. She knew it would be her greatest ally on the journey she was about to embark on. She levitated the book to her side, her eyes narrowed in determination.

"Alright, Ponyville. Prepare to get schooled."

And so began another day in the town known as Ponyville.

Just as usual.