//------------------------------// // And Now for Something Completely Different // Story: Awakening Pink // by Masterweaver //------------------------------// "Welcome to Feed Dump where we're a bunch of pony fanfics." Pokey Pierce smiled at the audience. "I'm a light-hearted comedy. Joining me this week is a pornographic romance--" "I'm flexible!" Blossomforth announced brightly as red letters flashed ACTUALLY A CHANGELING. "--and an angst-riddled tragedy." "All I know is pain," deadpanned Linky. "And we're looking for some good reviews!" We're looking for some good reviews news confirmed the title screen. Pokey levitated an iPad up. "A woman in Orem, Utah has sued for divorce on the grounds that her husband has been unfaithful. When asked who exactly he was supposed to have had an affair with, she replied that it was the family dog." "Ah, yes." Blossomling nodded sadly. "Those darn seductive dogs." "See I don't exactly see how this is news. I mean we've got a couple of stupid people here, but this isn't something that reporters would go for." Linky narrowed her eyes. "What aren't you telling us?" "The man in question had turned into a mare four days ago." "Turning into a pony makes you unfaithful," Blossomling mused. "Looks like you're in trouble Paul!" "Well it's not like I had a girlfriend anyway." Linky held her head up primly. "Besides, I look good in blue, don't you think?" "Pfft. In your dreams. Cream is where it's at!" The pegasus tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Now here's the question: Was the dog a male? Or a female?" "The dog in question was female," Pokey replied, "and in fact the suddenly discovered pregnancy of the dog is the reason the woman is accusing the man of being unfaithful." "I don't... think that works." Linky snorted. "Hey, to be fair finding a pregnant woman of any species in your husband's bed is grounds for suspicion." "He was probably just sleeping at the foot of the bed. My cat does that all the time." "Yes, but you're single." Linky turned to the audience. "Okay, so this whole thing is ridiculous but what I want to know is who exactly will be getting custody of the dog and her pups?" "Clearly it's going to be one of those shared time deals. The dogs will stay with the pony on the weekend." Blossomling nodded to herself. "Sounds like a hit sitcom, actually." Suddenly both of them were on the couch, Linky wagging her tail and barking. Blossomling, wearing a pair of overlarge glasses, gave a frustrated sigh. "No, dear, we can't play frisbee. Daddy has to do the taxes." Pokey glanced at his tablet. "In Walterboro, South Carolina, a man has been arrested for stealing five hundred dollars worth of fast food wrappers from a McDonalds." Linky gave him a confused look. "Fast food... what?" "You know, when you buy a hamburger it comes wrapped in this foil paper thing." The unicorn gestured vaguely with his hooves. "That's... what he stole." "Seriously? What was he planning to do with them?" "Wrap the world's largest hamburger?" Blossomling suggested. "Nah, too obvious. Maybe he wanted to make clothes out of them?" "Who would want to make clothes out of cheeseburger wrappers? The hamburglar?" Linky shrugged, suddenly wearing a purple snuggie. "I've seen clothes made out of weirder things." Blossomling nodded, also suddenly wearing a purple snuggle. "All hail lord Vejarik!" "Shouldn't it be lord Smooze?" asked Pokey. He was, incidentally, also suddenly wearing a purple snuggie. "Yeah, but that would be too obvious." "Good point. When questioned, the man stated that he wanted to build a portal to the world of Avatar the Last Airbender." "Normally I'd call this man crazynuts, but I woke up a couple days ago with wings. This plan sounds surprisingly feasible." "Yeah." Linky turned to Blossomling. "Actually, do you think McDonalds is behind the whole pony transformation? Mutagenic nanobots in the food." "Well, it would make a good promotion, but it'd violate a number of health and safety laws." Blossomling flicked her wings. "Plus we can't eat meat anymore. In the long run, bad move for McDonalds." "Hmm." Pokey glanced at his iPad again. "In Oklahoma city, there was an incident with a pony and an IHOP. Apparently, a shirtless man, a gazelle, and an automatic plushie shooter all tried to capture Pinkie Pie while she was eating breakfast." "...what." "I'm sorry, I cannot make this up." Linky rolled his eyes. "Come on, bronies, you can do better. Next time bring in a tank and--" "You know they could come for us next," Blossomling pointed out. "...a tank filled with money! And leave the ammunition out of the barrel. Actually, replace the ammunition with plushies, that was a good idea." "Who builds an automatic plushie shooter anyway?" Suddenly Linky was standing on her hind hooves, a fake gun cocked at Blossomling with a stuffed pokemon taped to the end. "Awright, gerly, gev me all yer money er I go Venonat on yer tail!" "Couldn't you have chosen Squirtle?!" cried the pegasus in sorrow, cowering before the armament. Once more the scene transitioned to Blossomling, no longer threatened or weeping. "You know what really gets me about this situation is the gazelle. I can kinda see the shirtless man, and the plushie shooter makes sense in a mad science sort of way, but the gazelle..." "Ooo! I know!" Linky grinned. "The gazelle was piloting the plushie shooter!" Pokey raised an eyebrow. "Actually, you are partially correct. According to eye witness reports, the plushie shooter was following the gazelle." "Huh." "I don't think we can top that," Blossomling stated plainly. "Okay then!" The unicorn flicked his iPad. "It's time for another pattern of patriotic parody in this week's installment of LOL Canada." Looooooooool Canadaaaaaa, sang the title screen, our home and nat-oh... "In Martensville, Saskatchewan, charges for human trafficking against a woman were dropped when it was discovered she had smuggled a pregnant moose into her home. Apparently, she was an environmental activist, and all the extra food she had bought were for the newborn mooses." "So, wait. Why was she charged with human trafficking?" Blossomling asked. "Her neighbors thought the weird noises plus the extra food had to mean something." Linky sighed. "What we're really missing here is that there's still a crime. Moose trafficking. Mooses are people too!" "No, she was just letting her pregnant friend stay over. Totally legal." Blossomling glanced at the audience. "See, the really smart thing to do would have been to get the moose to the hospital." "A moose in the labor ward. I've heard of stranger things." "Like a pony in the labor ward?" Linky raised an eyebrow. "That's a little more likely nowadays." "Touche." "Well I'm afraid we're going to have to cut it short, since we're leaving for New York this afternoon." Pokey nodded to the audience. "Until next time, remember: There may be better sources for news, but they don't have this hat." He levitated a red cap with white spheroids all over its surface onto his head. "So, yes. We're getting this out early because we'll be gone tomorrow. But the rest of the crew is still planning on Desert Bus in two weeks, and if we can figure out these hooves we'll be joining them." "You have to join them, Graham, you're a unicorn. You can still use the controller." "Thanks for that Kathleen. I have so much to look forward to." Pokey gave an exaggerated sigh. I turned away from my iPad as the credits rolled. "Hey guess what? I made the only worthy news program ever!" "NPR?" "Feed Dump."