YOU'VE GOT GEMS SIR
BY THE YOUNG AND FREE DRAGON
“How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck chlamydia?”
-Sarah Mlynowski, Ten Things We Did
“TASTY,” SPIKE SAID
Shining Armor crawled into bed with his wife after a she had fallen asleep long ago. He felt bad for asking this while she was so tired but.... He tapped his wife on the shoulder, causing her to twitch slightly but not wake. He sighed, shifting his hooves, rubbing his itching forehead. Celestia, he needed it really bad. Really bad. He tapped his wife again.
“Cadence. Cadence, honey,” he whispered.
“What dear...?” Cadence groaned, not opening her eyes.
“Honey, can you...you know....”
“Can I what...?” She groaned again.
Shining Armor sighed. He felt silly being afraid to ask his own wife for t his but... it hadn't been that long and he was just a little worried....
“Give me a, you know... horn....”
“Ugh...why now....” She grunted groggily.
“Babe, I need it really bad. It practically hurts....” He said, nibbling her ear.
She sighed heavily and shifted a bit, swatting him away. He felt even more guilty as he waited for her to decide whether to or not, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her to forget it.
“Fine,” she groaned, turning around and finally opening her eyes.
“Thank you, thank you,” he said, kissing her quickly, but she pushed it away.
“Let's just get it done,” she groaned, sitting up.
He got up too, and bent his head to her. She was never a morning person, nor somepony who handled being woken up before she was ready, but that didn't matter much right now. He just had to get this out.... He'd pay her back later. He felt her put her hooves on his forehead and he could feel her breath on his horn and forehead but then--
“Ew! Oh dear Celestia!” Cadence shouted, jumping away from him and tumbling out of the bed.
“What?! What?!” he asked, panicked by her actions.
He hopped off the bed and moved towards her, but she stared up at his forehead and scurried back into a corner.
“Your-- Your horn!” She shouted. “It...it...”
He glanced around, went to the mirror and cried out himself.
[][][]
The best doctor from Canterlot was called in and brought as quickly as possible. Spike had no idea what the contents of the letter that he sent for Twilight was but he waited nervously as Twilight stalked back and forth outside of the office her brother and sister-in-law were in. He had noticed that Shining Armor had worn a hat and refused to let him see his horn.
“Twilight, what's wrong with Shining Armor?” Spike asked.
“I told you, Spike. You wouldn't understand.”
“Of course I would--”
“And you're not old enough to know,”
Inside, a doctor stared questioningly at the shining black minerals encrusted on Shining Armor's horn. He tapped it with a glove-protected hoof causing Shining Armor to flinch.
“Does that hurt?” The doctor asked.
“It...it does a bit. But I was also really....”
“Horny,” Cadence finished in a bit stronger fashion than he had intended the say himself.
“Yes ma'am,” The doctor replied. “Well, I will have to run a couple of tests on your horn, Mr. Armor. I can't term quite what it is but I'd say it's some sort of HTD or STD.”
“HTD?” Shining Armor gasped.
“STD?!” Cadence shrieked, angrily.
“Horn Transmitted Disease. There's no real reason for it to be considered different from an STD, since it is normally passed during sexual acts performed on the horn, but since it has greater possibility of being passed without intercourse, we must divide it into a different category.”
“How did he get it?” Cadence demanded.
“HTDs are hard to track. I would say sexual intercourse with somepony. However, it could have been passed through magical transmission with another unicorn or alicorn infected with this disease. I have personally not seen anything like this before, but it shows the basic characteristics. But, I've studied one case like this and if you want my unprofessional opinion, I would say; You have gems, sir.”
Shining Armor turned and looked warily at his wife. This was not good.... Not only was she not a morning person. Ever since Chrysalis, she was even more worried about him cheating and it appeared so despite that he hadn't....
“Wait!” Shining Armor said. “I bet I got it from King Sombra! He attacked us outside of the barrier and I was enveloped in smoke. He must have... somehow magically discharged on to my horn without my knowledge.”
“You better hope so,” Cadence growled, stalking out of the room.
Twilight came in quickly after Cadence left and stared with some fascination, but mostly fear and disgust at the black gems growing about Shining Armor's horn.
“Twilie... I have a HTD...” Shining Armor murmured.
“Or STD,” The doctor added.
“Or STD,” He added with some disgust. “I believe I got it from King Sombra.”
“What were you doing with King Sombra?” Twilight asked, in slight horror.
“Nothing that I was aware of! I think he must have magically discharged on to my horn when he attacked us.”
Twilight shook her head, grossed out at this prospect and already trying to remember if she had had anything fall on her horn, or if she had contact with her brother's horn.
“O-Okay well...what are you going to do in the meantime?” Twilight asked.
Shining Armor glanced back at the doctor who said, “Rest. Get plenty of it, and stay away from foods that increase your magical needs and desires. Don't perform any magic, as it may cause complications and you risk infecting others.”
“Right...” Shining Armor murmured, turning back to Twilight and saw her back away a few feet.
Great... Shining Armor thought. Everyone will be afraid of me now.
He turned slightly and saw Spike standing there, staring in wonder at his horn.
“Um...Spike...what are you doing?” Shining Armor asked.
“Tasty,” Spike murmured, licking his lips.