Behind Blue Eyes

by Typographical Error

Chapter 2

She looked around her eyes wide with fear and hope. She didn’t know where she was, but she did know one thing. She wasn't in the white place anymore. There were colors everywhere. Colors beyond anything she could have imagined. The deepest reds, scattered across the fields in front of her. The brightest greens, covering the trees and bushes. The softest blue, tinting the sky above her. There was white, she did see that, but she didn’t care. There was so little of it, and it was masked by the beauty of what she was seeing.

She looked around again, unsure of how she came to be there. There were no hoofprints behind her, nor in front of her. But, slowly, the feeling of confusion left. She didn’t care how she got there. She was just glad she was there. Slowly, she picked up her hoof. It had a cloth tied around it, and she couldn’t remember why. She pulled it off with her teeth, and it fluttered to the ground, a white square against the red flowers and green grass. She put the hoof down, about a foot in front of the others. As it fell back to the ground, a shiver rolled through her body as the feeling of the soft grass caressed her hoof and leg. She took another hesitant step forward, but was brought to a halt by a noise behind her.

She looked over her shoulder, fear spreading through her again. But when she saw what it was, her fear left her in a blast of joy. Several ponies, all identical to each other, were galloping over the ridge behind her. They made no noise as they ran towards her, just the sound of their hooves against the ground. She turned around to meet them, finally realizing where she was. She was back in the other world. She was home.

The four ponies stopped in front of her, all smiling an identical smile. Their pink eyes sparkled and their blue manes blew in the slight breeze. She walked forward and embraced them one by one. It felt like years since she had seen them. And now that she thought about it, she couldn’t remember the last time she saw them. When she had greeted each of them, she took a step back, just looking at each of them. Their fur was white, like hers was. When they moved, it was like a giant pencil had erased the color from that part of the world. The one closest to her, the stallion, gestured down past the ridge behind them, and she nodded. As one, they took off galloping down the ridge, towards a place that she remembered so easily, but had forgot so fast.

Below them, a grand meadow stood, as if waiting for them. Fields of wildflowers all different colors, blew in the breeze like a rainbow wave. A river, as blue as the sky above them, curled through flowers, occasionally catching the light from the sun and flaring up in a brilliant rainbow. She felt that familiar feeling rise in her chest. She was home, finally. And she was home with her family.

Before any of the others could move, she had already raced down into the meadow. But every step she took, the meadow fell back the same amount. She felt like she was running in place. She looked back over her shoulder, and saw that her friends were falling back as well. Eyes wide, fear spreading through her, she turned and started to gallop back to them. But they continued to fall back, without moving.

Slowly, the colors began to drain from the world, leaving everything white as her fur. Then, it started to turn black. It started at the corners of her eyes, then slowly moved until it was just a circle around her friends. Tears fell from her face as she saw them disappear from her vision completely. Then the black crashed down upon her, and she opened her eyes.

He opened his eyes, watching the sun peek its head above the forest in the distance. A small smile spread across his lips as his single yellow took in the scene around him. Just three days ago had been his twenty-first birthday, and the evidence showed. Piles of wrapping paper and cardboard boxes sat in the corners of his room. The telescope his mother had bought him sat in his window, looking out at the sun just as he was. He stretched, hearing the joints in his wings popping as she stood.

It was still early morning, so he did his best to walked quietly to the window. He didn’t want to wake his mother. He especially didn’t want to wake his sister. She got so little sleep as it was, she needed all she could get. He looked out the window, watching the early morning ponies and pegasi walk and flap their ways to work. He waved at his friend, Lunar, who was on his way to the post office. Lunar looked slightly worried and flapped his way over to where he stood.

“What’s wrong?” Sky asked as soon as Lunar was within earshot. Lunar’s pure white eyes were extremely worried and confused. He had once been asked to help a unicorn with a iris color changing spell. Now his irises and pupils were pure white.

“I don’t know is there is a problem, but your sister is up on a cloud about fifty yards behind your house.” he said. Lunar was the only one Sky had told about his sister’s disease, so he always knew there was a problem.

“She’s where!?” he yelled, sending Lunar into a backflip. He righted himself, and pointed behind him.

“She’s on a cloud up in the sky.” he said again. “And she looked weird. I would hurry if I were--” Sky had flown passed him before he could even complete the sentence. He flew as fast as she could, which wasn’t that fast by pegasus standards. Even from this far away, he knew instantly what Lunar had been talking about. There was only one cloud in the sky. And a single figure was standing on it.

He dropped to the ground below it, looking up at the face he loved so much. Her pure, blue fur, topped with a mane of deep purple, but streaked with white just as his own. And she looked down at him, a blank expression on her face.

“What are you doing up there, Rain?” he called up. He knew he shouldn’t be showing emotion, but his voice was shaking. Rain looked back at him, her bright blue eyes staring him straight in the face, swimming with tears.

“I can’t take this anymore.” she said, so quietly that he could barely hear her. “All these voices, all the words. They aren’t mine!” He words were choked with tears, and as she said them, Sky felt a single tear land on his muzzle. “I want the to stop, forever...”

“Don’t say that!” he called back. “Just come down from the cloud. We can fix it.”

“They aren’t mine!” she screamed back. “They say things I don’t want to hear, thoughts I’ve never thought before. I want them to stop! I want this to be over.”

“They will stop.” he promised hollowly. “We’ve made them stop before, we can do it again.” But Rain just shook her head, taking another step towards the edge. She mouthed something, but sky couldn’t hear her from so far away.

“Please come down!” he called again. “I will make the voices stop.”

“You’ve never made the voices stop....” she said, closing her eyes. “The voices never stop. I want to be free.”

“Rain, what are you doing?” At that moment, she folded in her wings, and she took a single step into the air. “Rain, STOP!!” He watched as she tumbled off the cloud, falling towards the ground. A guttural scream ripped from his lungs as he ran forward, already knowing he would never be able to catch her. Pain and anguish and misery and rage fought for the front spot in his mind. But in all this, he looked at her face as she feel. There was not a single regret present in that face he loved so much. It was perfectly calm, emotionless. Like she had just fallen asleep. But her works had stuck in his brain like a splinter in a hoof.

All the times he had helped her. All the times he had fought the voices away. All the times he thought he had made her better, was a lie. He thought he had been making her better, when in reality, she was doing the same to him, at her own expense. and now, she was paying the price for it.

He watched her fall, her body just feet above the ground. The world narrowed until all he could see was her, and then she too turned black. And with a flash of white, he opened his eyes.

I sat bolt upright in bed, a loud yell ripping through my bedroom. My breathing was ragged, and I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. I looked around the room, eyes wide, but I saw nothing. With a sigh, I fell back onto the bed, emotions running wild inside me.

For several minutes I just lay there, trying to control my breathing. I wanted desperately to cry. To just curl up into a ball and not move, but I knew I couldn’t. She wouldn’t want me to do that. I took a deep breath and pulled myself out of my bed. I looked around my room. Not much had changed since the time that memory took place. The piles of open presents were gone, however, but the telescope was still in my window, looking out over the eastern horizon.

My uniform was hanging on the hook on my closet door, and I pulled it off, hearing the bottle of pills rattling inside. I walked down the stairs, jumping carefully over the one that always creaked, and landed in front of the front door. I looked at the door, knowing I had to go in to work. But I had the weirdest feeling about it. I didn’t want to and really wanted to all at the same time. But I knew I had to go in, so I rushed to the kitchen, grabbed a muffin, and walked out the door.

She looked around the room, a feeling of panic and fear running through her mind. She tried to remember where she was, but all she could remember was the other world. The world with colors. The world with her friends. She sat up, wondering how she had wound up on her back. She looked around the room, seeing nothing but white. Suddenly, it hit her. She was back here, in this world.

She stood up, placing her hooves down on the padded floor. She left out a soft yelp, then looked down at her leg. There was something wrapped around it. Something white. Slowly, the memory dawned on her. That nice pony had put it there. It had stopped the pain. She slowly limped around the room, trailing her hoof on the wall. Once again, she decided to look at the wall. And once again, she stopped, wondering how the groove had been carved into the wall.

She cocked her head, listening for any sounds. But all she could hear was her own breathing. But there would be sounds soon. There always was once she was back in this world. So she limped over to the bed, sitting down on the edge of it. She tried to think back to the other world, her home. But she could only remember a shimmer of colors. She tried desperately to cling on to that shimmer, but that soon faded against the white of the room. A few minutes after that, the memory was gone completely, and she didn’t even remember the world anymore.

I walked back into the locker room, already wearing my uniform. Silver wasn’t in there today, but I didn’t mind. I didn’t want to talk to him anyway. I opened the locker, smiling as I spun the dial to my birthday, and I dropped the small object I had brought with me from home onto the shelf. I had decided, after watching Pearl for a day, I would start a journal. I didn’t know why I decided to do it at the time. I guess it was just something to keep my busy.

I shut my locker and turned around. I was about to leave, when I saw a small object hanging from the lightswitch by the door. I walked over, and as I got closer, I noticed it was a key. A small paper note was taped to it with my name on the outside. I pulled it off the switch and flipped over the paper.

Hey, newbie. This is the key to the elevator. Have fun up there! -- Silver

I pulled the note off and dropped it into the trashcan by the door. Newbie, I was really getting tired of that name. But I guessed I would have to live with it. I left the locker room and headed the way we had the day before. I was really looking forward to seeing her again. But for the life of me, I couldn’t tell why.

The doors opened onto that hallway again, and I stepped out, hearing my hooves clack against the laminate floor. The magazines which I hadn’t touched were still piled on the chair. But I didn’t head towards those. Instead, I walked down the hallway towards the door. Carefully, as quietly as I could, I slid back the small hatch and peered in. Instantly, i was greeted with the deepest, brightest blue I had ever seen. But I didn’t flinch this time, I smiled when I saw her eyes blink.

“Hello, Pearl.” I said quietly. She moved away from the hatch, and I got a look into her room. A small metal tray was sitting by her bed, the remnants of food still on it. I looked at it for a moment, almost yelling at myself for forgetting to ask someone about that. I looked back at Pearl, who was just sitting on her bed, cocking her head at me.

“Mind if I take that?” I asked softly. She blinked, but didn’t move, so I took that as a yes. I unbolted the door and walked in, keeping one eye on her at all times. But she made no attempts to move, despite the fact that the door was wide open. I picked up the tray and turned around, and that was when I saw it. I felt the tray slip from my grasp, landing on the soft padding with a muffled “Whomp”. All I could do was stare, my mouth hanging open.

The entire wall in front of me, the one with the door in it, looked like it had been used as a canvas. Greens and yellows were spread across it, with dabs of oranges thrown in. I stared at it, slowly taking in what I was seeing.

It was a landscape. That much I was sure. Fields of green stretched across the bottom of the wall, rising for about a foot them stopping. Occasionally, some of the green would rise higher, peaking in small mounds. It took me a moment, but I realized those were hills. The dabs of yellow and orange were flowers, I realized. Outlines of clouds looked like they had been carved in the padding. And in the upper corner, how a child would draw it, was the sun. I looked down at the try at my hooves, then back up at the scene several times, the reality slowly dawning on me.

She had painted this. She had painted this with her own food. Vegetables, oats, who knows what else, all ground up into a paste then thrown together to create this scene. Slowly, I turned and faced her, but she looked away almost immediately. I gently knelt down beside her, touching her hoof, which I then realized was covered with the leftovers of her painting. The same shiver ran through her body, and she looked at me, an odd emotion displayed in her eyes.

“Pearl, why did you do that?” I asked, already knowing she wouldn’t answer. She just cocked her head at me, not even blinking. I looked back at the scene. It looked like something you would see hanging in a childs room, but I knew it meant something else. Ponies just don’t do something like this, out of nowhere.

“Pearl, did you even eat anything?” She just cocked her head again, not blinking. I sighed, letting go of her hoof and turning around. I walked out of the room, shutting and locking it behind me. I knew I should probably say something to someone, but that could wait. I just wanted to watch and see what she did with this.

Journal, Day 2.

Pearl just sat there on the bed, staring at the scene. I had never seen anypony do something like that before. It was almost like she wanted to dive right in, but knew she couldn’t. After a while, I am not sure how long, maybe a couple hours, she passed out like she had the day before. When my shift ended, I went downstairs and asked Silver about this. He said it happens periodically, and it’s nothing I should be worried about. The cleaning crew would take care of it. I knew he was trying to make me feel better, but it didn’t. I tried to shake the feeling, but I just couldn’t. I knew this had to mean something.

P.S I dreamed of Rain again. This time I had a breakdown. I can’t keep seeing her like this.

Her friends rode over the ridge again, and she embraced them one by one. The sun shined down on them, making their white fur glow as they galloped over the field. Petals flew out behind them. Her heart was beating faster than ever before as she raced through the grass and flowers. She looked over her shoulder, seeing her friends right behind her. The stallion smiled mischievously, then raced ahead of her, petals hitting her in the face. She caught one on her tongue, then tore off after him. Together they raced through the flowers, hearts pumping, breath exploding from their lungs. But the whole time, they smiled.

Finally, after a long while, she collapsed in the flowers, shivers running up and down her form as the petals and leaves tickled her. The stallion trotted over, breathing hard and dropped to the ground next to her. The others arrived shortly afterwards, laying down next to her as well. Their sides pressed hers, and she sighed at the feeling of contact. She turned her eyes towards the sky. It was the most brilliant blue she had ever seen. Clouds floated by, but she didn’t like those as much. They were white, and she didn’t really like white. Except for her friends. But she did like the shapes the clouds made.

A shadow passed over them, and she looked around, not seeing anything. Shrugging, she looked back at the sky, and was startled to see it was completely black. She turned to look at her friends, but they were gone too. She rushed to her hooves, as, already, her world was shrinking down. Black was closing in, and she had nowhere to turn. With a deafening silence, she opened her eyes.

Journal, Day 3

She seemed subdued today. I don’t know why. She acknowledged me when I came in, and she seemed happy to see me. But after that, she just sat on her bed, staring at the wall. She ate, thank Celestia, and she didn’t paint on the walls again. I don’t know what has gotten into her. I have been thinking of asking around, trying to find out about her past before she came to the hospital. But I also want to know why she is so skittish all the time. What has happened to her in the past that would cause her to be like this?

She’s looking at me now, like she wants to say something, but can’t. But there is still something nagging at me. When was the last time she had been outside?

I woke up the next morning, waiting for the sun to shine through the curtains. But instead I was jolted out of bed by a blast of thunder. I trotted over, pulling the curtains back and looking out at the sky. Rain pounded the windows,and clouds swirled in the sky. A flash of lighting, along with another burst of thunder brought a smile to my lips. This was my favorite type of weather. I stood at the window for a few moments, just looking out at the rain. Then I turned and trotted down the stairs.

I grabbed my raincoat out of the closet. I hadn’t touched it in about a year, so the rubber was tough and stiff. The sleeves squeaked as I walked towards the kitchen. I jumped slightly as a particularly loud blast of thunder rolled across the sky, but smiled almost instantly. It might just be a good day. I grabbed a muffin out of the basket on my kitchen counter and headed for the door.

I stepped out onto my rain-drenched lawn, hearing the sound of the drops hitting my rubber coat. Most pegasi would just fly in this weather, wearing nothing but goggles. Their own speed would be enough to create a cone of air around them and keep them dry. But there is the problem. I haven’t flown in four years. Not since Rain....died. I stopped myself there, shaking the memory off. With a small sigh, I walked out into the rain towards the hospital.

I arrived with very little grace, my legs and face soaking wet, and my coat sticking to my fur and feathers. I buzzed myself passed the gate and walked up towards the front doors. Rivers of water flowed past me, and waterfalls fell from the roof as the gutters carried the rain away. Looking up at the building, it suddenly seemed much more menacing than ever before. And all it took was a little rain.

I opened the doors, smiling slightly at the receptionist as I walked by. She pointed at a small rack near the door where the other earth ponies had left their raincoats. I wondered if she thought it was weird that I had walked here, but nothing in her face gave that away. I walked passed her and into the hallway beyond. I stopped when I saw somepony leaning against the wall.

“Hey, newbie!” Silver said as I walked towards him. I nodded slightly, walking passed him and into the locker room. “How are you liking her?” I knew who he was talking about, and I really didn’t know how to respond.

“She is a lot like my sister.” I said quietly. “It hasn’t been that bad.”

“That might change today.” Silver said, wrapping his fore-leg around my shoulders. “She really hates it when it thunders.”

“I don’t think it is anything I can’t handle.” I said, pulling myself out of his grasp and putting my white uniform on. As I did, my journal fell out of the pocket and landed on the floor. Before I could pick it up, Silver reached for it.

“What is this?” he asked, holding it up in the air. I snatched it out of his grasp and shoved it in the locker. Silver just stared at me.

“It’s nothing.” I said, not looking at him. “Just a journal.” I shut the locker and walked out of the room, leaving a very confused looking Silverhoof behind me. I pulled the key to the elevator out of my pocket and shoved it into the lock. The doors opened, and I jumped in, pressing the button for the top floor. I could already tell today was not going to be a good day.

The doors opened onto the hallway again. The rain was much louder up here, almost like it was inside the room. I trotted over to the chair, pushing the magazines out of the way and collapsing. I knew I shouldn’t have been so rude with my journal, but I have always been like that. Very secretive about my possessions and my feelings. That is part of the reason I am so shy around new ponies. Also, I really didn’t want Silver to know about Rain. I wanted to keep that to myself most of all.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I almost didn’t hear the soft moans and whimpers coming from Pearl’s cell. When I finally heard them, I walked over quietly, trying not to startle her. I pulled the metal hatch back, not sure what I was expecting to see. But I certainly wasn’t expecting what I saw.

Pearl was curled up into a ball, hiding as far as she could get herself into the corner of the room, with the blanket from her bed draped over her head. Even from where I was standing, I could see her shaking. As I watched, a boom of thunder rang out, and a scream left her throat, shrill and high. She pulled herself even tighter into a ball, which I thought had been impossible. I felt pity and sadness rise in me. How could Silver had known she would be like this!?

I unlocked the door and opened it slowly. I never noticed how much the hinges creaked until right then. I saw her stop shaking immediately, and her head turned under the blanket to face my direction. I didn’t know what to do, what to say.

“Umm...Hi Pearl.” I started, taking a couple steps forward. “It’s just me. I’m not going to hurt you.” She moved slightly, but I couldn’t tell what she was doing. I was only a couple steps away now. “I am just going to--OUCH!!” As soon as I was within reach, she had lashed out with her back leg, landing a solid hit to my chest. I felt my breath leave me, and I fell to my knees.

I wheezed in a few breaths, trying to get the air back. I looked up, blinking away tears, but she hadn’t moved. She was back in her ball. The only part I could see of her was her leg where her hock had caught the blanket. When I felt I could breathe normally again, I stood up, rather shakily.

“Pearl, please. It’s just me.” I said, taking another step forward. “I want to help you.” She didn’t give any sign she heard me, but she didn’t try to strike me again, so I took the final step towards her. Slowly, I sank to the floor next to her, so close I could feel her shaking. I just sat there for a few moments, watching the small mare tremble.

Another boom of thunder rocked the hospital, and another shriek left her lungs. She struck out again with her hoof, but I quickly dodged it. Finally, she settled again, and I decided to make my move. Reaching towards her, I pulled the sheet away from her head. Her bright pink mane slowly came into view, but I saw that her eyes were closed tightly. I gingerly placed my hoof under her chin, turning her head towards me.

“Pearl, it’s me.” I said, stroking her mane slightly. “I won’t hurt you. I promise.” I saw her eyelids flutter, and a second later, I was greeted with those stunning blue irises. She smiled when she saw me, and she scooted close, almost burying herself in my side. She was still shaking, but she didn’t seem deathly afraid now. It was almost like having a small animal, or a very young foal to look after. I felt my heart go out to her. She looked up at me and blinked a couple times, then turned and looked at the open door. I didn’t know what she was thinking, but I hoped she wasn’t thinking of running away.

I gently ran my hoof up and down her mane, like how you would to a pet. At the same time I gingerly stroked her cheek, smiling down as I saw her eyes begin to close. They were almost completely close when another boom of thunder broke out. Her eyes flashed wide open and filled with panic. I felt her body tense up, and I almost thought she was going to strike me again. But the panic slowly faded until she was back to normal. She looked down at my chest, like she was just realizing it was me she had kicked. She slowly reached forward with her hoof, touching the spot. There was a knot there, and it was throbbing a little. She looked up at me, her eyes scared, but I shook my head.

“It’s fine Pearl.” I said soothingly. “It’s not your fault.” She blinked and looked back at the door. I probably should have stopped talking there, but of course, I didn’t. “Things like that happen. Stuff always happens, Rain.” It took me a moment to realize what I had just said. And as soon as I did, I felt a wave of depression wash over me. Had I really just said that? Yes, yes I had. I looked down at Pearl, who hadn’t noticed that I just called her my dead sister’s name. She was still staring at the open door. But she reached behind her and took my hoof in hers. I hadn’t realized it, but I had stopped stroking her cheek. I started back up again, and within a few moments, her eyes were slowly fluttering back closed. And a few minutes after that, she was asleep.

I couldn’t stop staring at her. I had never met anypony who gave me complete trust like this before. She just lay there, her head in my lap. Every now and then, her eyelids would flutter, or a small smile would cross her lips and then be gone. I wondered what she was dreaming about, because it looked like it made her happy.

I don’t know how long I sat there, but I knew it had to be hours. Her small smiles and twitches slowly faded away, until, finally, she opened her eyes and looked up at me.

“Hey, Pearl.” I said quietly. “Sleep well?” She just stared up at me, like she was trying to figure something out. But, after a small moment, the smile returned to her lips, and she reached out to me. She wrapped her arm around my neck. I was taken aback by the sudden show of affection, but after a moment, I embraced her back. I felt that familiar shiver run up and down her form, and for the first time, I felt her heart race. It was incredible, how just a small gesture can make her so happy. Finally, she broke the hug, and slowly stood up. I hadn’t realized it, but the rain had slowed, and I could barely hear it now.

Pearl was still staring at the open doorway, but she made no attempt to move. Instead, she turned her head towards me, blinking several times. Her eyes were trying to convey something she couldn’t, and I thought I knew what it was. She walked over and sat down on the edge of her bed again, starting to stare at the opposite wall as I had seen her do so many times before. But this time, I had to interrupt her.

I walked over and sat down in front of her, blocking her view of the wall. She turned her gaze to me instead.

“Pearl, sweetie.” I whispered. “Is there something you want?” She blinked one time, and her eyes lit up slightly.

“Pearl, when was the last time you went outside?”

She cocked her head, looking slightly to the left. A look of sadness washed over her face and into her eyes, and she shook her head at me. “You can’t remember?” She blinked, looking down at the ground.

“Would you like to go outside?”