//------------------------------// // This is what you get when PONIES COLLIDE! // Story: Twilight Sparkle: History's Greatest Monster // by PotatoJoe //------------------------------// Twilight Sparkle had been decked in the schnoz. This was a rather novel experience for her. Oh, sure, she’d been in some scrapes and battles for the domination of Equestria with the forces of evil, but she’d never been punched right in the nose. It hurt. A lot. More than it ought to - she’d been turned to stone, had a piano dropped on her, zapped with lightning, set on fire more times that she could count... but whoo, oh, ow did her nose hurt. Also, she had nearly been strangled to death by one of her best friends. As the life fluttered back into her eyes, she was a little surprised by that turn of events. But, as she applied some critical thinking to the events leading up to her adorably violent throttling, she did realize her mistakes. One, this was not her Fluttershy - this was crazy action hero Fluttershy. Two, she’d never really explained to crazy action hero Fluttershy what was going on. And three, Twilight hadn’t gotten the faceplate for her helmet yet - her nose would have been delightfully safe had she been wearing it. “Oooh, I’m getting so nervous!” whispered Fluttershy, pacing around. Twilight lay still, observing the yellow pegasus through barely opened eyes. Fluttershy was agitated and skittering around the table Twilight was lashed against - though there was a pillow, so it wasn’t that uncomfortable of a resting place - and seemed to be confused. Fluttershy seemed to be talking to herself to calm herself down, but of course, being Fluttershy, it just made things worse. “Where is everypony? I know they were going to be ready, I mean, they said they’d be ready... I must be early, I knew I’d mess this up! Everypony is going to be so mad at me!” Wait, was this crazy action hero Fluttershy? Then, suddenly, there came the sound of beating on the door. “Lord Librarian!” called a soldierly voice. “Lord Librarian, is everything alright in there? We haven’t heard any screaming!” “Eeep!” eeeped Fluttershy, covering her mouth with her hooves a second later. She trotted in place for a moment, then her face lit up. “Uh, everything's under control. Situation normal!” she called in a pathetic approximation of Twilight’s voice. It sounded more like Big Macintosh. “What happened?” asked the guards. Twilight winced. They bought it? Fluttershy sounded more like a guy than Twilight's voice! Twilight decided that if she ever took over her own world, she would personally handle the hiring of her guards to make sure they were not idiots. “Uh, we had a slight magical malfunction, but uh... everything's perfectly all right now,” stammered Fluttershy, as amazed that it was working as Twilight was. “We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?” She ended with a nervous chuckle. “Thats not the password!” barked the guard’s voice. A moment later the door to the torture room burst open and a dozen unicorn soldiers poured in. They were all heavily armored and had horns sharpened to a lethal point. “Ha! You stupid rebel, you think we’d reuse the old codes?” “Grr!” squeaked Fluttershy with penultimate malice, dropping into a combat stance. Twilight mentally accelerated for a moment, mulling over the situation. One, she’d just found out that Evil Twilight used a spytalk like code word system, which was a problem - and confirmed that her guards were stupid, even if well trained in cloak and dagger type interactions. Two, that she had a thing for soldiers who actually responded to danger, unlike Celestia’s guards - when those big, brawny stallions had broke in to save her it had set her heart aflutter. She filed both thoughts away as notes as she took control of the situation. With a burst of magic she teleported between the two groups of combatants a moment before the fight began. She put on an angry scowl, flared her magic for scary effect, and started ad-libbing. “You idiots!” she roared at her soldiers. In unison, they fell backwards into a cowering company of cowards, fearing her rage. “You fools! Do you honestly think I needed your help? And now you’ve ruined my plan to gain the rebel’s trust! Get out! Get out before I turn you into something unnatural!” Shrieking in terror, the soldiers fled. “And close the door!” she bellowed after them. One ran back, gave a sheepish grin, and shut the dungeon door. Twilight counted to three to make sure they were gone, then let out a sigh. Just as Fluttershy pounced. This time, Twilight was ready and teleported to the other side of the room. Fluttershy landed where she had been, instantly rearing and spinning. She spotted Twilight’s new location and lunged! So Twilight teleported Fluttershy back to the other side of the room. “Die!” shouted Fluttershy, leaping again, wings straining as she flew - only to be teleported back to where she started. “Okay, Fluttershy? This isn’t going to work,” explained Twilight, trying to keep her tone neutral. “Sic Semper Tyrannus!” shouted Fluttershy, attempting to strike again. “Fluttershy! Stop attacking me for a second!” sighed Twilight, teleporting the pegasus again. “And I was wrong earlier, it’s actually ‘sic semper tyrannis’, not ‘tyrannus’.” “Oh,” said Fluttershy, pausing as she poofed back into existence. “Sorry, I’m not very good at one liners or battle cries.” “I’m sure you’re good enough, Shy,” said Twilight, feeling bad as she saw Fluttershy look down at the floor. “Besides, battle cries aren’t that important, or, really, practical.” “I know, but Rarity and Rainbow Dash both want me to work on my quips and shouts,” sighed Fluttershy before stomping her hooves slightly. “But I just can’t get it right! I just don’t have the volume or wit like they do! I just can’t roar and it makes me want to - to - scream!” “Well, maybe jokes and yelling work for them, but that’s just because they aren’t you and you aren’t either of them,” said Twilight, trying to buck up her friend’s ego a little. Twilight had only meant to end the fight, not to make her feel bad. “Dash is loud and I’m sure Rarity has some scalding taunts, but if that’s not part of who you are, don’t try and be them!” Fluttershy smiled weakly, looking up at Twilight. “Gotcha, bitch!” she declared, darting forwards with alarming speed and lethal intent— So Twilight summoned a door between them, which Fluttershy rammed into face first. “Alright, it’s been too long,” declared Applejack. She looked to Big Macintosh and the other rebels in the tunnel. “Do we want to do this or back out?” “It’s your call, sis,” said Big Macintosh, looking over the wall of the nearly finished tunnel. “One good kick to this wall an’ we’re in. But ah bet there’s plenty of traps in there.” “Aw, heck, let’s try it anyways,” sighed Applejack, tightening the strap on her barding. Everypony let out a cheer and began to arm themselves. “Mac, send a messenger back so they know what’s goin’ on.” “Apple Bloom!” barked Big Macintosh, looking around the tunnel. He heard the squeak of surprise and pushed aside several ponies, revealing Apple Bloom, who had dropped a knife she’d been wielding in shock. “H-how’d you know ah was here?” she asked nervously, chuckling as Big Macintosh took the helmet off of her with a brotherly scowl. “You always are,” he said with a shrug. “Anyway, we can count on ya sneakin’ around our missions. Now go on, Bloom. Take the message on back. The ponies at base need to know.” “B-but ah want to help!” whined Apple Bloom, trying to jump up and take the helmet back. In her cobbled together armor she could barely get off the ground, but Big Macintosh still held it far out of reach. “Ah want to go rescue Granny with you guys!” Big Macintosh and Applejack both froze as everypony else continued to prepare for the coming battle. In the dim light of the dusty tunnel, it was hard for Applejack and her brother to share a glance. “Bloom, Granny ain’t here,” said Applejack, trying to keep her tone even. “Ya’ll know that. She’s... elsewhere.” “... Ah know, but there might be a clue of what happened to her in there!” squeaked Apple Bloom, starting to tear up. “Ah want to find her! We don’t ever even talk about her no more! An’-an’ I miss her!” “Bloom, Bloom...” sighed Applejack, pulling her little sister close. Applejack was now struggling with her own emotions. She was keeping a lid on them, which was good, because Big Macintosh looked just about ready to burst into tears. “Bloom, ah know you miss her. We all do. And Ah know we don’t talk about her much, but that’s because it hurts too much. With her... gone, an’ all, we just have to deal with it.” There was a short, awful silence. “Ain’t Granny Smith on an undercover mission?” asked one of the troopers, looking at Applejack quizzically. “Gaw, shout it to the whole tunnel why don’t ya?” groaned Applejack, shooting him a death glare to silence him. Apple Bloom’s eyes had sprung open and were filled with joy while Big Macintosh began to bawl quietly. “Yeah, you heard the colt, Bloom; she’s doin’ a special mission. We were tryin’ to keep it a secret, so don’t tell nopony.” “Oh, good,” sighed Apple Bloom, hugging her sister tighter. “Ah thought she was dead and ya’ll wern’t tellin’ me.” Applejack sputtered. “Bloom!” exclaimed Applejack, her voice returning. “Why? Why would ya’ll think that? We ain’t lied to you like that, not ever!” “Well, Ah knew something was up,” said Apple Bloom, sighing in relief. She then looked to Big Macintosh, who was wiping his cheeks dry. “But Mac always gets all teary when we mention her.” “My... my birthday’s come an’ gone,” he mumbled, blushing slightly. “An’ it’s the first one ever where Ah didn’ get a pie from her. An’... an’...” “Ah know, Mac,” sighed Applejack. “We all miss her pies. An’ the farm. An’ everythin’.” “Ah don’t miss the farm,” said Apple Bloom with a shrug. “Bein’ a rebel is way more fun.” Applejack and Big Macintosh stared at Apple Bloom. “Ya’ll just run back to base, missy,” said Applejack curtly, putting her down. “And wash that mouth out, because ah don’ ever want to hear you badmouthing Sweet Apple Acres again.” Apple Bloom looked shocked for a moment, then swore nastily and galloped off in a huff. “Alright, alright, sorry for the wait,” sighed Applejack, looking to the soldiers who’d been watching the family drama. “Who’s ready to kill some suns’a’dawgs?” The troops let out a warcry. “Alright! Move out!” barked Applejack, bucking the wall open. With a single kick the exposed bricks fell in, revealing the stairs of the Canterlot dungeons. “He-yah!” Then the rebels stormed in and rammed into the platoon of guards hastily exiting the dungeon, reducing what was an attack plan into a disorganized melee. “I’m so, so sorry, Fluttershy,” Twilight said again, watching the pegasus press the cold compress on tighter. “It’s okay,” mumbled Fluttershy, wincing. She and Twilight were trotting down the dungeon passage, making it hard for Fluttershy to keep the wet towel on her bruised eye. “Y-you did warn me you were going to give me another eye injury.” “But I didn’t mean it!” said Twilight, trying to make sure Fluttershy believed her. After hurting Fluttershy she’d been able to end the fight and explain things, and to Fluttershy’s credit, she’d believed Twilight’s crazy story. “I’m not evil! I wouldn’t normally hurt anypony!” “Oh, I know that! Now!” said Fluttershy, looking worried. “I didn’t mean to insinuate anything. I just... well, I don’t even... I mean...” “We’re both real sorry,” sighed Twilight, trying to cut Fluttershy’s apology parade off early. “Let’s just drop it - we need to focus on getting out of here.” Fluttershy nodded. “So, I don’t know the dungeons too well,” said Twilight, looking around. There were doors, stairwells, and passages everywhere, but she only knew the ones that lead right back to the main parts of Canterlot - and that would be a risky place to go. She sighed, taking off her monocle and magicking some of the dust off of it. She hated the dungeons. They were dirty, scary, and hard to get out of. True, that was a list of ideal traits for a dungeon to have, but— Twilight froze as she realized what she was doing. “H-how long have I been wearing this?” she asked aloud, coming to a halt and staring at the monocle. She’d taken it off earlier, when she’d realized how she could block this world’s ambient magic, and never put it back on consciously. But now, she was wearing it - and even with her magic shield raised, her eye wasn’t going back into focus. “Oh, you put it on while you were explaining how you met Applejack,” replied Fluttershy, looking to Twilight in confusion. “D-don’t you always wear it?” “No! I have perfect vision!” exclaimed Twilight, feeling her heartbeat begin to rise. She began to pace around Fluttershy. “I get my eyes tested every year! I’m already dorky enough, I don’t need glasses too! And, and I only need to wear this thing when my magic isn’t protecting me from this world anymore!” “S-so you are turning evil?” Fluttershy seemed surprised, like she hadn’t believed Twilight’s explanation earlier. “I-I didn’t believe you earlier!” she said, confirming it. “I was just going along with you because it seemed polite! S-so that means... if we don’t get you back to your world...” “I’ll become evil!” squeaked Twilight, scrunching her eyes closed. She needed to relax, since she could feel her panic rising. True, she’d understood the situation before, but now, now it seemed more real. More dangerous. “An evil jerk! Ooh, I don’t want to be evil! I don’t want to torture ponies! I don’t want to rule the world! I don’t want to threaten ponies with magic kindergarten, wear spiky armor, or write in books!” “... write... in... books?” Fluttershy said quietly, losing Twilight for a moment. “Eeee! I don’t want to be here!” Twilight cried, losing control of herself as emotion and stress overtook her. “I don’t want to be in this stupid world! I don’t want to be in this stupid dungeon! I want—” “Uh, Twilight?” “—to be home in the library, I want to be out of this stupid incomplete armor, I want to be back in a world that makes sense!” “Twilight?” Fluttershy said, a little louder. “And I don’t want to be stuck with a stupid, interrupting pegasi!” shouted Twilight, snapping at the yellow mare. Fluttershy stumbled back into a corner as Twilight spun. “What? What is it, you insipid, feather-butted cloud kicker? Oh, do you miss the sky? Oh, is the ground too hard on your hooves? I don’t have time for your little problems, you cowardly, plant loving filly! I am having the start of a complex emotional breakdown and—” Twilight blinked. “I just went crazy, didn’t I?” she asked sheepishly, blushing as Fluttershy stood back up. Twilight strained and put up a stronger shield around herself, her horn glowing continuously as she did so. “I-I’m back in control, Fluttershy.” “T-that’s good,” said Fluttershy, regaining her composure. “I-I know what you’re going through. Must be so, so awful, but... but if you do go evil, I’ll have to kill you.” Twilights ears pinned back. It would never stop being weird to hear Fluttershy say stuff like that. “And, um, before?” said the yellow mare with a weak, nervous, sorry-I-told-you-I’d-kill-you smile. “I was interrupting because I figured out which way to go.” “L-lead on!” The two mares galloped for the stairwell that Fluttershy pointed out and began to race for the surface. Twilight felt a little of her shame burn away, but not much. She was starting to lose it - she couldn’t last in this world forever and that was a problem. The stress would get to her - she knew how well she’d dealt with stress in the past and knew she’d be in bad shape soon. At least, mental shape. She started to wheeze as Fluttershy continued, unfazed. Twilight was really tired now, what with being strangled, wearing armor, and not usually needing to run up stairs for long periods of time. Slowly, she began to fall farther and farther behind Fluttershy, feeling her muscles burn in agony. As Fluttershy vanished around a curve, pulling away from Twilight, the unicorn had to wonder what kind of shape her evil counterpart was in. “So... that was a disaster,” groaned Applejack, tying the bandage on her hind leg off. They’d defeated the guards, but the strike force was now in no shape to continue on the mission. “Eeeyup,” grunted Big Macintosh, kicking the last of the unconscious guards into a pile. He was pretty beat up, but he’d managed to avoid getting stabbed. Many of the other rebels were in a wounded state - these guards kept their horns very, very sharp - but luckily, there was nopony dead. “Let’s move, quick - we can still close the tunnel behind us and get away without getting caught,” decided Applejack, hopping back into the mineshaft and gesturing for everpony to follow. “We’re retreating?” shouted one of their soldiers. “Course we are! This mission’s a disaster at every level!” barked Applejack, silencing any dissent. “Now get your behinds out of here, we need to—” “Applejack!” Everypony was shocked to see Fluttershy appear from the stairs below, nursing a blackened eye and without her armor, but alive and well. As the troops began to file out of the stairwell, Applejack hopped out of the way and ran to her friend. “Applejack, oh, it’s so good to see you!” exclaimed Fluttershy, hugging the orange mare. “And you wouldn’t believe what’s happened!” “Ah think Ah can guess - Twilight fed you some story about being not evil?” sighed Applejack, hugging her friend back - Applejack hadn’t liked the risk of letting Fluttershy be captured on the off chance that they’d be able to ambush Twilight in the dungeons, but now that Fluttershy was safe, she knew at least some good had come of her decision to go ahead with the rescue attempt. “Because she told us the same thing.” “S-so you know!” said Fluttershy, looking overjoyed. “Oh, good, because we need to move quick, because—” “Shy, it’s a lie,” sighed Applejack. Fluttershy froze. “Ah know, it’s a good one. Even Ah believed it. She told us she’d be coming back with you. But there were guards lying in wait for us.” “Oh, she might have been late because of me,” said Fluttershy bashfully. “Ah don’t think—” “I knocked her out when she freed me.” “... ah,” That certainty changed Applejack’s assessment. However, the mare still had reservations. “Still, we can’t just trust her. It’s too wacky a story.” “Fluttershy... gasp...” Both mares glanced down the stairs. Twilight Sparkle was weakly climbing up the stairs in her full plate armor, but she seemed too drenched in sweat and too out of breath to really move. “Please... don’t leave me... wheeze...” Twilight didn’t seem to be all there at the moment. And the Twilight that Applejack was used to, the Lord Librarian, wouldn’t be reduced to this state by a little running. “… got to… get... to school... mom will... kill me... gasp... if I don’t get an A on the test....” Twilight then gave a little choking sound as her eyes rolled back in her head and fell unconscious. “... right,” said Applejack, trotting down the steps and poking the prone unicorn. “So, uh, Ah guess... Ah guess we could take her.” “Do we have any unicorns with us?” asked Fluttershy, trotting down a few steps. Twilight’s horn was still glowing with magic and there was still a faint shield around the unicorn, but Fluttershy knew that was the protective spell Twilight was using to keep herself sane, not something dangerous to them. “It’d be easier to levitate her.” “Naw, somepony has to carry her,” grunted Applejack, biting down on an armor strap and pulling. She gasped and let go. “Geez, ah don’t know if it’s the armor, but she’s pretty heavy!” “W-when I was strangling her earlier she did feel kinda... pudgy,” said Fluttershy with a blush. “A-and now that you mention it... she is... kinda...” Fluttershy swallowed, then said in a quiet, tiny voice “... fat.” “Yeah, she’s a hay bale, all right,” sighed Applejack, struggling to push the undulated unicorn up a few steps. “Hey, Mac! Get down here and help me carry this lard butt into the tunnel!” “Are we really taking her with us?” asked Big Macintosh, trotting down. “Ah guess,” sighed Applejack, shucking off some of Twilight’s armor. It lightened her... but not by much. “Geez, don’t they have diets in her dimension?” With some effort they got the unconscious unicorn into the tunnel and had several troopers and Big Macintosh carry her away. Applejack and Fluttershy collapsed the entrance, then began to cave in the tunnel as they retreated, ensuring they couldn’t be followed. It was hard work, but neither mare was in a bad mood - all in all, the mission had been a success, of sorts. They had Twilight Sparkle captured, Fluttershy was safe, and nopony was dead. Though, injuries were high. And one in particular had Applejack’s attention. “So, uh, Shy?” she asked before bucking a support beam in half. She and the pegasus galloped away from the falling rock, deftly dodging the collapsing gravel. “How’d you get that shiner?” “Oh, is it really bad?” asked Fluttershy, blushing as she broke a boulder supporting a side passage’s roof. “I haven’t seen it yet.” “Shy, looks like you looked into an inkwell, it’s so black!” “Oh, I hope Zecora will have an ointment or something for it,” mewled Fluttershy, obviously worried about her appearance. “How’d you get it, anyways?” asked Applejack, skidding to a halt in a central chamber where several tunnels spread out. It was an old diamond dog warren they’d found. If you took the wrong turn, you’d be lost in seconds - but Applejack knew the way and led on. “I, um...” Fluttershy trailed off, blushing deeply. “Promise not to laugh?” “Rebel’s honor,” swore Applejack. “I ran into a doorknob.” She might not have laughed, but she hadn’t promised not to snort.