//------------------------------// // chapter 19. Duality // Story: Becoming Fluttershy // by Hope //------------------------------// I am looking out a window at the countryside passing us by. Yellow and red leaves swirl across the road as we roll across the endless plain that is Kansas. I look down at my hands. My hands are shaking for some reason as they clutch at my skirt. A tear falls from my eyes and wets the dark blue fabric. Looking to my left I see a white unicorn sitting on a booster seat, steering the car. My whole arms are shaking now. I feel a pit in my stomach as I brush a strand of blonde hair out of my eyes. "Where is Fluttershy?" I whimper, confused. Julien looks over to me. "What?" "Where did she go?" I ask, my eyes wide as my fear digs deep into my chest, covering my heart in ice. "I feel so empty. I am so cold... Where did she go Julien?!" I scream, grabbing his foreleg in my clammy fingers. "I'm not..." He starts, looking at me with worry. "No... No you're not Julien, you're Shining Armor. I... I lost my spark, Shining. I lost Fluttershy. I need her back! She made me happy..." I'm not in the car anymore. I am standing in a featureless field, an empty space. I see Fluttershy trotting away from me. “Come back!” I shout, but she doesn’t hear. She starts to canter, spreading her wings as I run after her, desperately grabbing at the air in between us. “Fluttershy!” She takes to the sky and within moments she is gone. I fall to my knees, sobbing. I feel like my heart has been taken out and crushed, like every hope I have ever had is dead. I let myself collapse into a curled up ball on the ground. All I can say again and again is "I need her." In a wavering voice. I watch this through the eyes of a canary yellow pegasus who sits next to me. "Oh Erica... I'm so sorry." She whispers, invisible to me. I jerk awake with a cry, and the first thing I see are my yellow legs curled underneath me. I gasp for breath for a moment before looking over to Julien who looks concerned but undisturbed from the road ahead. "Bad dream?" He asks. "Yeah." I whisper. The scene outside looks disturbingly similar to the dream, but I suppose all of Kansas looks the same. We had left the house after saying our tearful goodbyes. We were planning to stop for supplies soon. I remembered these things and, at some level, it comforted me that I could. I leaned forward on the seat to extend and stretch my wings as much as the space in the car allowed. It felt wonderful but still the pit in my stomach remained. Typically I did not remember my dreams beyond a rough sketch of what they had been about, these dreams lately were far more detailed and lasting. The car was warm but not overly so, allowing for comfort in the chill air whistling past the window. "I had a dream last night. I dreamed that I was talking to Shining Armor, and all he did was give me orders and instructions. Silly huh?" He says with a hollow chuckle. My expression does nothing to lighten his fears, I am sure. "I don't think these are normal dreams." I say as I push my hat down against my head, as though it will protect my brain. We ride in relative silence again, as I slowly drift off to sleep again. I do not dream. I wake up and move my hooves to sit up, looking around wide eyed. "Oh my. I did not mean to do that." I scold myself. "What, lay down?" Julien asks, chuckling. "No. Um... Knocking out Erica and taking over her body." I say, blushing. "Er... My body I suppose." Julien looks shocked, as I expected, and pulls the car over before putting it into park. "So you are Fluttershy." He tries to clarify. "Um... Maybe. I could be a separate personality created by Erica to cope with the stress of being turned into a pony, but I have the memories and personality that would be expected of Fluttershy so..." I take a breath. "Yes. Sorry." Julien turns towards me. "Is Erica hurt?" "Oh no, just asleep. More asleep than normal." I try to explain. "Is this going to happen to me as well?" He asks, narrowing his eyes. "It shouldn't, like I said this was an accident. I just wanted to talk to her to calm her down from that last dream, but I think I climbed into her consciousness somehow." I really hope this makes sense to him, since I have no idea how I did it, and I really don't want to upset him. "Okay. Do you know how to fix all this?" "I only remember we had to get ourselves here in order to stop Discord, but besides that I don't remember much. Sorry. I know that doesn't really help." I really feel bad that I don't know more. "That's fine, go ahead and see if you can get Erica back, but before you go, thank you for what you have done to make this easier on her. I know it could be worse.” He says with a small smile. “Everything will be okay.” I say with the warmest smile I can. “I promise.” With a tug at the back of my ear, I fall back into the darkness that has become my reality. I am crying, as I hug myself, whispering gentle words. The words don’t calm me “I’m here.” I whisper in my own ear. The split perspectives hurt me, looking down at myself and looking at my own hooves at the same time makes the ache in my heart worse. “Let me in.” I urge. I know every detail of what this entails. I know I will be baring everything to myself, as if there was ever any other way. I have always been fragile. I have always been too delicate to let the healing begin. Here is the glue to mend the shattered mirror. All I have to do is let it. With the slow motions of a wounded animal, I embrace myself, and we begin to heal.