//------------------------------//
// Chapter 10 
// Story: Tooth and Nail 
// by totallynotabrony 
//------------------------------//

	“I have to admit, maybe the long mane was a bad idea,” shouted Celestia over the noise of the wind. She used one hand to hold down the billowing mass, but couldn't keep the loose strands out of her face.
“I liked it short,” replied Alice. “It made cleaning out the sawdust and splinters easier whenever I smashed into the top of a door frame with this stupid horn.”
At least Alice was finally getting some use from her freakishly large body. Celestia was finding that Earth horses and Equestrian ponies were rather different to ride, particularly when wings were involved. Celestia sat forward, practically at the base of Alice's neck. 
The Princess would have already shortened the mane for her, breaking up the spells that had changed Alice’s appearance, but she wasn’t sure she could. She hadn’t used much magic at all since returning home, mostly because Equestria did not have large artificial power sources to draw from. However, borrowing magic from a pony…
Celesta put her hand down on the smooth white coat beneath her. Alice shuddered as if cold. “Your majesty, something feels weird.”
“I already explained to you that my magical ability in this body is limited to just redirecting energy instead of generating it. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you have a big reserve.”
Alice was silent for a moment, feeling the curious sensation of magic being drawn out, an experience her human mind couldn’t describe. “Well, I suppose I’m not really using it.”
As the Princess worked, Alice felt her mane receding. She tossed her head, pleased that it was finally out of her eyes.
“Turn a little bit further south,” instructed Celestia. Alice looked down, picking out the Canterlot-Ponyville railway line. It looked very small, uncomfortably reminding her of how high she flew. Alice quickly focused her attention on the clouds instead.
“It's a good thing you know how to work these wings remotely. I haven't a clue how to keep us flying,” commented Alice.
“Sorry for the occasional bump. I can't feel the wind as well as if I was flying myself,” replied Celestia. She was doing her best to stay comfortable while being buffeted around.
“So where are the guards?” asked Alice. “What about the Elements of Harmony? Weren’t they used to defeat Discord last time?”
Celestia replied, “Aside from the fact that the two of us can move faster, I have a feeling that the Elements will be of limited use this time due to Discord’s unique situation.”
“So what are we going to do?” asked Alice. She glanced back at the gun holstered on Celestia’s hip.
“We’re going to need a plan of worthy of our opponent,” said the Princess.
Alice smiled grimly. Well Discord, Jabberwock season just opened, and we’ve got a nine millimeter Vorpal Sword.

As Ponyville came into view, Celestia managed to glide the two of them into town with a reasonable amount of grace. As Alice’s hooves touched the ground Princess Celestia dismounted, glancing around for any sign of chaos.
The residents of the town stared at the two of them with fascination and more than a little worry. News from the interrupted press conference hadn’t reached Ponyville yet and they didn’t know who the mysterious visitors were. Celestia was thinking of what to tell them, when suddenly the crowd scattered in all directions, screaming and ducking for shelter.
“Come on everypony, let’s get this party started!” Discord appeared with a shower of confetti that he had to throw himself. Most ponies had already fled, and he ended up speaking to just Celestia and Alice. “Hello pony, and lady. Horse, human. Rich girl, poor girl. Sovereign, sailor.”
Celestia and Alice started forward angrily, but Discord held up a claw. “Hang on, I had a few more: Alice girl, Palace girl. You-man, You-nicorn. Say are you girls having fun yet?”
“This ends right now,” said Celestia. It was a tone of voice that urged oceans to part and motivated mountains to move. All the ponies who were still on the street made themselves scarce. 
“It’ll be kind of an interesting battle. My powers haven’t remanifested themselves after I spent so much energy setting up this little situation and got stripped of the rest by those pesky Elements of Harmony.” Discord gestured to his two opponents. “Furthermore, you don’t have the energy to do much Celestia, and our little Alice hasn’t any idea how. If anything, we’ll just have a silly little slap fight with no winner.”
Celestia touched her pony companion on the shoulder. A basketball-sized ball of lightning appeared, floating over her other hand.
Discord blinked. “Well, that was unexpected.”
He turned tail and ran. Alice and Celestia gave chase. Celestia threw the ball of lightning, missing the Draconequus. Despite Discord’s mismatched legs, he was still surprisingly fast and agile.
“Hey Celestia, has anypony ever told you throw like a girl?” taunted Discord. He ducked another glowing ball of lightning. “Poor Princess, I do hope you’re better at croquet!” 
Alice groaned inwardly, both at Celestia’s ineffective aim and at yet another reference to Alice in Wonderland. She had better make the next one a hedgehog.
Discord headed for the pond outside of Ponyville, all the while dodging more of Celestia's incandescent projectiles. Seeing the water made Alice wonder if his serpentine body would be equally quick at swimming.
She never got to find out, however, because Discord merely skipped across the surface. Alice stared in disbelief. He may not have had much magic available, but was still somehow able to pull a Jesus. Rather, a Jesus Lizard. Recovering, she taunted, “Hey dragon-boy! Just who do you think you're trying to impress? It's been done!”
On the wet earth of the shoreline Celestia dropped to her knees and thrust her hands into the pond, pulling energy from it as quickly as she could manage. A wave of ice swept after Discord. He staggered comically, his legs kicking at air when he found it impossible to get any traction on the slick surface.
The Princess instantly flashed the pond back to water and Discord sank. As he fell in up to his neck she refroze it, trapping the Draconequus.
Alice and Celestia walked carefully out onto the surface of the ice, bending down to get face-to-face with Discord. He smiled weakly. “I thought we were friends and then you go and do something like this to me. That’s just cold.”
“Shut up,” said Alice.
Celestia spoke. “Discord, we haven’t gotten many chances to speak candidly over the years. We both know that you don’t have a tremendous amount of magical ability. Your power lies in altering reality and the laws of nature. And now it would appear your batteries are drained.”
Discord yawned. “But enough about me, I’d love to hear how you plan to go on with the rest of your life like this.”
“This is where I tell you that you’re going to fix what you changed,” said Celestia.
“And this is where I tell you: nope.” Discord grinned. “You mad?”
Celestia gave him a look that was rather unprincesslike. “We’ll find a way to convince you.”
“What, put me back inside a statue?” Discord rolled his eyes. “After a couple thousand years in there, it’s not so bad. And I know you aren’t the kind who would do anything more unpleasant than that to me, Celestia.”
“What are you talking about?” The Princess’ eyes narrowed. “I once sent my own sister to the moon. What do you think I could do to somepony I disliked?”
“See, imprisonment is really all the punishment you are capable of, Celestia. You aren’t cruel.”
“That might be the first nice thing you’ve ever said to me,” the Princess replied.
Discord shrugged as well as he could, being up to his neck in ice. “Hey, I’m not cruel either, I just love a bit of crazy fun. Do you ever get crazy, Celestia?”
“This isn’t getting us anywhere,” put in Alice. She walked over to the shore, picked up a rock and returned. “Princess, if you transform this into a pair of pliers, I’ll start pulling his teeth.”
Discord’s eyebrows went up. Celestia made a calming gesture. “We aren’t going to hurt him.”
“And why not?” demanded Alice. “What if that’s what it takes to get results from this nut? He deserves it!”
“Has he ever hurt you?” asked Celestia. “Even if the answer was yes, wouldn't retaliation just be sinking down to his level?”
“Don’t you understand?” shouted Alice. “He took me away from my home, my friends, and everything I knew. Josh might be dead, and I have no idea what happened in the last few weeks of my own life!”
“Calm down—”
“No! Things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows. You can’t just roll over and let things happen to you, because then it only gets worse.” Alice tossed her head and the pistol flew out of Celestia’s holster.
The Princess moved to stop her, but Alice telekinetically pushed her away over the surface of the ice. She chambered a round in the gun and pointed it at Discord’s face.
Every part of the Draconequus’ face showed surprise and alarm. “I enjoy chaos myself, but this is…a bit much.”
“I’m human, it comes naturally.” Alice’s eyes bored into Discord’s uneven pupils. “Give me what I want.”
“Well, it’s not quite that simple. I already told you, I’m close to being magically exhausted.” Discord’s eyes crossed, looking at the end of the gun barrel that hovered just past his snout.
“You’d better try your hardest then. They say you’re immortal, but nobody ever called you invulnerable.” 
“I think we’re past crazy and getting to the point of cruel.” Discord looked panicked.
Alice moved the gun to the base of one of his ears. “We’ll start here. If I have to, I’ll shoot off your other ear too, and start looking for other painful places.”
“I’ll do it! I’ll help you!”
“I heard you lie a lot, Discord.”
“I swear! I swear on my magic that I’ll help you switch bodies and go home!”
“Celestia, can we trust him to keep his word?”
The Princess came walking over. “An oath like that binds him to it.” Celestia started clapping her hands. “And if I may say so, good acting, Alice!”
Discord cut his eyes back and forth between the two of them. “You... you set me up?”
Celestia shrugged. “We had some time to talk on the trip from Canterlot.”
“That’s…wow.” Discord chuckled. “Celestia the prim and proper leader of Equestria learns to use chaos to her advantage. I never thought I’d see the day. Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever had such a joke played on me. I feel like celebrating. Anypony want to dance?”
Discord broke into an enthusiastic laugh that tapered off until he looked reasonably serious. “There’s still the problem of power. You’ll also probably want a time-travel enchantment to put Alice back when Celestia left.” He grinned. “You should freak out Josh by pretending to still be the Princess.”
“He’s okay?” Alice asked hopefully.
Discord nodded. “That was a heck of a show you put on, Celestia. People were running around confused and weirded out that they were still alive.”
Celestia also looked relieved. “I can put all the necessary spells together and Alice can power them. Discord, if you would be so kind as to facilitate the transition into the other universe.”
“Oh, okay, I guess I did swear that I would.”
A contingent of Royal Guards arrived, the six Element Bearers following in an official chariot. Twilight Sparkle came running over. She glanced at Discord with suspicion and asked, “What can we do to help, Princess?”
“We need a few spellbooks,” said Celestia. She gave the unicorn their titles, and Twilight asked a few of the Guardsponies to take her quickly to the library in the chariot. Returning a few minutes later, she helped the Princess begin to lay out the magic to be performed.
Celestia looked at Alice. “Despite all my experience, saying goodbye to a friend never becomes any easier.”
Alice smiled, leaning forward to bow. “Fair winds and following seas, Princess. It was good to meet you.” And I'll forever see your face in the looking glass.
“I wish you and Josh the best.” Celestia smiled. She began the spell.



Months later…


“I’m still trying to figure out how Discord’s magic works.” Twilight showed Princess Celestia some of the notes she had made during an all-night research session. “The efficiency of pony magic could be greatly improved if we could apply some of his techniques.”
“I appreciate your efforts, Twilight, but you understand how careful you have to be with this,” said Celestia. She touched her student on the shoulder with a hoof, slightly worried that Twilight was becoming obsessed. “I trust you to use good judgment.”
“If we managed extreme-distance teleportation, maybe we could visit the other world to set up diplomatic relations?” suggested Twilight hopefully.
Celestia looked doubtful. “I'm not sure all the residents of Earth would react well to our arrival. There are genuinely good and decent people there, but also many who would probably treat it like an alien invasion.”
Twilight tried again. “A few small scientific expeditions, then? You brought back some really interesting ideas with you, and I’d love to know more.”
The Princess sighed. “I’m not going to say no, but I want you to proceed with the utmost caution.”
Twilight nodded. “It could take many years to figure it out anyway. I promise I won’t rush into anything without your consent.”
“Thank you.” Celestia looked up as a steward came in with breakfast. The Princess and her student dug in. While the ingredients were not the same, Celestia expected tofu-bacon to be a great hit in Equestria!



The carrier had been tied to the pier and crew members were beginning to depart. Alice and Josh walked down the gangway together, their hands coming together after they were out of sight of the ship.
“I needed this vacation,” said Alice. “Since I didn’t get one the last time we were in Hawaii.”
Josh leaned over and kissed her. “It wasn’t any fun without you anyway. Let’s just take the time and relax. No North Korea, no teeth, no ponies.”
Alice laughed. “That works for me.”
Josh hailed a taxi and opened the door for Alice. The two of them got in and gave the driver the address of the hotel. He took her hand. “Did I ever tell you I’m lucky to have you? Please promise me you won't travel off the planet and leave me here again, okay?” 
This time, it was Alice that leaned forward for the kiss. “I promise. Anyway, it just wasn't Wonderland without you.”







Author note:
That's all, folks!

Thanks to V-pony for one of Discord's lines.

Even more thanks to Dafaddah, who is largely responsible to editing this story into what it is.  Go read his stuff.  It's pretty cool.