LYRA AND BONBON CAN'T SLEEP
{Setting: a car of a train. Night. Lyra and Bonbon are lying down in bunks in a berth. Lyra is on the top bunk.}
LYRA: {whispering} Hey.
BONBON: {also whispering} Yeah?
L: Can you sleep?
B: No.
L: Me neither.
{silence}
L: Hey.
B: Yeah?
L: How much longer until we get off, do you think?
B: Uh...what time is it?
L: {looks out the window} ...Late.
B: ...Could you be any more specific?
L: ...Late enough to be dark.
B: {sarcastically} ...Thanks.
{silence}
B: Hey, you know, if you can’t sleep, how about we, uh...
L: {incredulous} On a TRAIN!?
B: What? NO! That’s not what I--could you wait until I’ve finished my sentence?
L: Sorry.
B: I was thinking we could get up and, you know, walk around, and, I don’t know, maybe see if anything’s going on in any of the other cars or something?
L: Sure. {gets up} Yeah, I was going to say, I don’t think that Nerf guns and train cars would make a very good combina--
{SUDDENLY LIGHT}
L&B: OW!!!
L: Jeez!
{The others on board the train wake up, various utterances of “Morning already?” “What’s going on?” and the like}
B: {looking out train window} Uh, Bonbon, you might wanna come see this.
L: {climbing down from her bunk} Um, I’m Lyra. You’re Bonbon.
B: Really?
L: ...I think so...
B: Uh...well anyway, come look out here.
L: Is...is that what I think it is?
B: I wouldn’t know. What do you think it is?
L: It...it looks like chocolate rain. Why’s it raining chocolate??
{Bonbon is about to say something, but is interrupted by a loud crash and a screech of the train brakes.}
VOICE OVER INTERCOM: Um, fillies and gentlecolts, this is your conductor speaking. We’ve run into some...rather unsavory weather conditions, and there is currently what appears to be a giant sponge cake on part of the train track, blocking our route to our intended destination. We are currently doing all we can to remedy this situation. We apologize for the inconvenience.
{a pause, during which nothing but unintelligible murmuring from the other passengers can be heard}
L: Call me crazy, but I’ve got a feeling that it’s not supposed to be raining chocolate.
B: {somewhat sarcastically} Really? What tipped you off?
L: I...I don’t know....
B: ...come to think of it, neither do I...
L: What...what do you remember?
B: Well, I remember it being night...and we couldn’t sleep, and so I suggested we walk around, and--
L: What about before that?
B: {as if she has trouble comprehending the very idea} …”before”...?
{SUDDENLY DARKNESS, it is now night again.}
L: Lyra?
B: What?
L: ...Bonbon?
B: ...What?
L: ...You don’t know, either, huh?
B: It’s weird...I mean, one would think that one’s name would be the one thing one knows, even if one doesn’t know anything else.
L: You’re stuck on “one”. Go to “two”.
B: To do what?
L: To be free.
B: What for?
L: Finding something to do so that we won’t be bored sick.
{A giant purple serpent who seems to have been recently shaven bald can be seen in the moonlight outside the window running about and panicking.}
SERPENT: My moustaaaaaaaaache!!! My moustache and my fabulous hair!!! GONE! IT’S ALL GONE!!!! {sobbing}
B: {looking out window} ...Steven?
L: Man, the other passengers are going to hate the incessant rantings of this nincompoop, whoever he is.
B: Now then, you can’t just go calling others names like that!
L: {after a long pause during which she’s going to say something but can’t think of what to say} ...I got nothing.
B: “Nothing”? Are we starting again from zero?
L: ...Wait a minute.
B: What?
L: How’d you know his name was Steven?
B: I...I don’t know.
L: So you remember his name, but you can’t remember your own?
B: I...I don’t even know if I’ve ever seen him before!
L: ...So, is...is this like...you can read everyone else’s minds, except your own?
B: ...*sighs* I don’t know.
L: You wouldn’t know, if you couldn’t read your own mind.
B: ...what?!
{Lyra almost says something, but then doesn’t}
L: ...you wanna go in the next car?
B: Sure.
{They go through the door into the next car. They enter into the booth of what appears to be a recording studio, where a young man with longish hair and a Belfast accent is banging away on a guitar in the recording booth.}
THE MAN: {while banging away on guitar} You want a danish? No. I just ate. I’ve just ate one. Do ya want...like, I want some bread up front. Oh, bread up front...you want a sandwich?
B: ...what?!
THE MAN: {still banging away on guitar} Have a danish.
L: ...what’s this guy doing?!
THE MAN: {banging away} You want a sandwich?
B: {looking at a reel-to-reel machine which is running} ...it’s recording!
THE MAN: {banging away} Have a sandwich. Have a seat.
B: WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO RECORD THIS?!?
THE MAN: {banging away} Have a seat. Have a sandwich. Have a danish.
L: {staring through glass at the Man} ...it’s like watching a trainwreck.
B: ...Please don’t say that.
L: ...how’d we even get here, anyway??
B: I....
{The Man finishes up his song.}
THE MAN: I’ve got another one for ya. {starts banging away on the guitar again} Here come Dumb George. Here come Dumb George. Here come Dumb George. Here come Dumb George. Here come Dumb George. Here come Dumb George. Here come Dumb George.
{Lyra and Bonbon look at each other, and slowly walk out of the room.}
THE MAN: Everybody together on the chorus. Here come Dumb George. Here come Dumb George. Boogaloo. Boogaloo, baby. Here come Dumb George.
{Lyra and Bonbon enter back into the train car}
B: Let’s...try...the other way??
L: ...Sure...
{They walk through the door on the opposite end of the car. They walk onto a balcony overlooking what appears to be an indoor tennis court. Two men in Renaissance-era clothes are below them, one on either side of the court, but with no ball or rackets.}
GUILDENSTERN: ...What does it all add up to?
ROSENCRANTZ: Can’t you guess?
G: Were you addressing me?
R: Is there anyone else?
G: Who?
R: How would I know?
G: Was that rhetoric?
R: ...are those ponies up there?!
G: ...what??
R: Could you come over here?
G: Why?
R: Could you please take a look up there?
{Guildenstern walks over to where Rosencrantz is to get a better view of the balcony.}
G: ...are those Lyra and Bonbon?
B: How would you know that?
R: Who are they?
L: Who are you?
R: What are you?
B: You can’t tell?
R: ...has this become a game of doubles?
B: How would I know?
G: Foul! No repetition! One-love.
L: What...what’s going on?
G: Can’t you tell?
B: How do you know us?
G: You mean you don’t know?
B: How would we know?
R: How would he know?
L: Yeah, how would he know?
G: Foul! No repetition, two-love.
R: Why haven’t I any clue what’s going on?
L: What is going on?
G: What do you think’s going on?
B: What makes you think we have any inkling of what’s going on?
R: How does he know who you are, anyway?
L: Have...you been spying on us?
G: What do you mean, “spying”?
B: How’d you know we were Lyra and Bonbon?
G: You mean you don’t know?
L: Know what?
G: Does the phrase “Friendship is Magic” mean anything to you?
L: What?
G: You mean you don’t know?
B: Foul, no repetition, two-one.
L: Who are you?
R: Who are you?
L: Would he know?
G: What’s wrong with that?
L: What’s wrong with what?
R: What’s he talking about?
B: How would we know?
R: What are you?
B: What do we look like?
R: What are those things on your...hindquarters?
L: You mean our cutie marks?
R: Is that what you call them?
L: What, you mean you’ve never heard of them?
R: ...No.
B: Statement, two-all.
G: Where did you two come from?
L: You mean where we were born?
G: No, I mean, how did you get here?
L: ...where’s “here”?
G: {to Rosencrantz} Didn’t they say it was Elsinore?
B: Foul, you can’t ask questions to another member of your own team. Game and match. {She hoof-bumps Lyra.}
L: Wait, who are you guys anyway?
R: He is Rosencrantz and I am Guildenstern. I mean--wait, he is Guildenstern and I am Rosencrantz.
B: {to Lyra} Well, at least we’re not alone.
G: You ponies must have it easy--you’ve basically got your names tattooed on your backsides!
B: What?
L: {looking at Bonbon’s flank} You have little tiny candies..
B: {looking at Lyra’s flank} And you’ve got a lyre, so you’re Lyra.
L: Yeah. ...unless...
B: Unless what?
L: Unless our parents have a strange sense of humor.
R: Would you two happen to know a way out of here, out of curiosity?
L: Yeah, I think we...came in from over there. {motions to a door}
{Rosencrantz and Guildenstern climb up the stairs and follow Lyra and Bonbon through the doorway they came in through. However, instead of ending up on the train, they end up in the recording studio again, where The Man is still at it, banging away.}
THE MAN: {banging away} Chick-a-choo. Chick-a-choo. Chick-a-choo. Chickie-chickie-chicka-chuck-a-choo.
G: What in God’s name...
L: How’d we wind up here again!?
B: Let’s get out of here!
R: {tries door} The door’s locked!
THE MAN: {banging away, singing unintelligible gobbledygook}
G: Only one thing to do now.
B: Agreed.
LYRA, BONBON, ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN: {screaming} HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!