"So I said sure, and I spent the rest of the night getting heroically sloshed. It was the most fun I'd had in, like, years!"
"Doc, please be quiet." Dr. Oxyde had been venting her many, many stories on their ride so far and seemed to have an endless supply in store for the rest of the trip.
"Fine, but I'm telling you, the end to that story is NOT G-rated." Thinking she had obviously piqued their interest, she sat back and took a sip of the soda she was in possession of. She cocked an eyebrow suggestively at Noire, who returned the expression with much less enthusiasm. This continued for a while until Noire finally caved.
"Ugh, all RIGHT. What happened?" Oxyde beckoned her over, when Noire leaned over fractionally, she repeated the motion until her muzzle was right next to the detective's ear.
"I. Kissed. A. MARE!" Noire drew her head back, trying to keep a neutral expression, one look over at Twilight, who was already shaking with suppressed giggles and they both burst out laughing. "What? Stop laughing!" The doctor sat back in her chair and crossed her forelegs, obviously angry that they hadn't been appalled by the pure raunchiness of her ending.
"Wow, you really are an eight-year old aren't you?" Asked Twilight, giving her a very obviously patronizing look.
"What!? NO! YOU'RE an eight-year-old." She jabbed a hoof at the purple mare, who just started laughing even more. She looked over at Noire, who was doubled over, then at her drink, which she grabbed and took a hasty swig of. "Mares." She muttered under her breath as she cast a dirty look out the window.
Once they had arrived at the hospital, they payed for the carriage that had taken them, thanked the cart-pullers and walked into the building. The three walked up to the receptionist's desk and asked to see Arils.
"Hmm, let's see...ah-ha! Guinevere Arils, second floor, third room." Noire thanked the pony and walked upstairs. Once they had reached the second floor, and found the correct room, they pulled the door open to reveal the maroon pony lying down on the floor. She was lost in a gossip magazine and singing something to herself. Twilight cleared her throat and saw Arils's ears perk up, she tilted her head backwards until she could see the, to her, upside-down trio and grinned.
"Hey there! I know your name, uuh wait, don't tell me..." She ground a hoof against her head as she tossed the magazine aside.
"Twilight Sparkle." Said the student as she helped Arils to her feet.
"Damn! I was gonna get that!" She turned to Noir and gave her a charming grin, "And I don't remember yours...care to share?"
"Detective Noire." Said the grey pony, throwing Arils an annoyed frown.
"Hey, a detective, huh? Let me tell you, I wouldn't mind if you inspected my-...who's the kid?" She stopped her teasing once she noticed Doctor Oxyde, who immediately glared at her.
"I'm not a kid." Arils laughed and ruffled the doctor's mane with a hoof when she said this, much to the annoyance of the undersized pony.
"Sure y'aren't, and I'm Princess Celestia, pleased to meet you!" She threw out a mocking hoof, which was promptly rejected by the indignant filly.
"I'm not! I'll have you know that I have a PhD."
"Oh really, what's your title then? Doctor Pipsqueak?"
"Actually, Doctor Nitrous Oxyde, at your service." She then pulled out the small gadget she carried around and looked at it, Twilight peered over her shoulder and saw that it actually was a pocketwatch when it wasn't being used to decode enzymes. "When you're finished making fun of me Ms. Arils, I'd like to ask you a few questions."
"Actually Doc, can I handle the questions? It is sort of my job after all." the filly huffed in disappointment and nodded at Noir, who stepped forward.
"All right, now, could you tell me where you were when the the ship’s engines blew out?" She asked Arils, who rolled her eyes and flopped onto the bed.
"Easy-peasy, I was out cold in the clinic." Noire wrote something on her clipboard and then looked up again.
"Why were you unconscious?" At this question, Arils, who was making her hooves circle each other out of boredom froze suddenly.
"Ohohoo no, that's the reason I'm stuck in here! They won't let me leave until I tell them what happened." She stood up and faced the group in front of her with certainty and stubbornness.
"Well why not?" Asked Noire.
"Auuggh... It- it’s not one of my proudest of moments..." Muttered Arils as she paced around the room in circles.
"Look, just tell us okay? I don't care how embarrassing it is, tell us, and we'll get clearance to let you leave." Arils seemed torn now, just as she looked like she was about to talk, she once again noticed Dr. Oxyde.
“Uhh, there are foals present." She said, giving a lopsided look at the small pony, who just glowered back silently.
"Ugh, she's a legal adult." Noire said, "Well, maybe...unless she's lying."
"Nuh-uh. I have a 'you must be this tall to listen to a story of what Arils does in the bedroom rule'." As she said this, Noire rolled her eyes.
"Oh man, it's one of THESE stories." The detective said, sighing, flopping down on her hindquarters and rubbing her temples. "Look, just get ON with it!"
"Err, okay. So, I was fooling around with my ‘very special somepony’ right?" She looked over at Dr. Oxyde, who showed no reaction whatsoever. "And y'know how unicorn horns are sensitive? Well with enough stimulation we kinda release a bunch of magical energy." Her audience was waiting with baited breath for her to finish. "And uuuh, to tease, he kinda blocked off my horn to see what would happen."
"And what happened?" Noire asked, knowing the answer but asking anyways.
"Explosions happened, then the headache of the bucking century followed suit."
"Like, engine-breaking explosions?" Twilight asked, getting stares from the other two unicorns in the room and a chuckle from the grey one.
"No. It's not so much an explosion as it is a firecracker pop." Said Noire, taking out her clipboard again and scribbling something down on it.
"How would you know that?" Twilight asked, Noire didn't look up from her clipboard, but went very red and started writing much faster.
"Any comments on the story baby-doll?" Arils asked Dr. Oxyde, who was scrutinizing her in a confused fashion.
"The buck kinda games were you two playing?" She asked, the befuddled expression not leaving. Arils took a moment to think about what she just said, but when the meaning hit her, her eyes widened in disbelief.
"Sweet Celestia she has no clue, that’s just adorable!" She chuckled as she reached out with the intention to squish the filly’s cheeks together. Her hooves were immediately slapped down by the young mare she had reached for. "Look, Doctor Shortstop! When a stallion and a mare love each other veery much-" Noire took this moment to shove Arils out of the way.
"Cut that out, she's not stupid, just naive, when it comes with the territory." She glanced at Nitrous, who was still looking just as clueless as before. "They were having sex."
"Oh. Oooooooohhhh... Ew." She threw a disgusted glance at Arils, who was now sprawled out on the ground.
"Wha-what? Come on! I thought you didn't even know what it was!"
"Of course I do, it's just gross." Said the doctor, walking over to Noire, she grabbed the unicorn's clipboard out of the air and pulled off the top sheet; Arils's release form. "Come on, let's get this sicko out of here." She mumbled from around the sheet of paper in her mouth.
"That's just mean. See ya later Twilight! Bye gumshoe!" They closed the door to her room and sighed in relief. After a few moments of respite from all the odd things happening that day, Dr. Oxyde came back.
"They think I'm a toddler, can one of you guys help a filly out?" She asked, Twilight and Noire exchanged another look and nodded solemnly. This was going to be one hell of a day.
-----
The trio of mares were trotting down the hallway of the hospital, the miniature doctor took point. "All right fillies, we've got four bodies, two killed with sharp objects and two others completely torn apart...and we don't even know if this is a homicide case yet." She said, sticking a chalky white candy cigarette in her mouth.
"Doc, I think we can probably assume-"
"Shut up Noire," Said Nitrous, taking a bit off the tube of candy in her mouth. "We've got no clues about the perp, we don't even have a sus 'cause the sec with a mo's got a perf al."
"What are you even-?"
"Shut up Noire!" Insisted the foal, taking another, aggresive bite of the confectionary.
"All right, so what do you think we know about the case so far?" The detective asked sarcastically.
"The perp...is probably in Equestria!" The doctor said triumphantly, "Case closed, let's go get drunk off those margarita thingys, I heard they taste like candy!" She ran for the door of the hospital, but was stopped by one of Noire's rear legs, allowing her only to flail around uselessly instead of running away.
"Not so fast doc, we still have a witness to question. Hell, for all we know she probably has more evidence than we do." The doctor stopped flailing and instead flopped loosely over the hoof restraining her.
"Fi-ine." She sighed, lagging behind them and looking crestfallen. Twilight laughed at her antics, then took a good look at the sulking position she had, it reminded her of...
"Spike!" She shouted, making Noire jump. "Sorry. I forgot about him, there's someone we should visit first."
"Spike?" Noire asked, "Your coltfriend has a funny name." Twilight laughed and shook her head.
"No, nothing like that, in fact, Spike isn't even really a colt. He's my assistant," She gave a half second pause, then as an afterthought added, "And a dragon." After she said this, the grey unicorn's eyes widened
"A DRAGON? ON the airship? Twilight, you know as well as I do that it would pose a huge-" She was cut off as Doctor Oxyde ran in front of them and planted herself in front of Twilight.
"A DRAGON!? OH CELESTA, WE HAVE TO MEET HIM PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!!" She hopped backwards, in a fashion very reminiscent of Pinkie Pie, the begging added to the effect. The fact remained, however, that she was shouting and bouncing in a hospital. They got shushes and disapproving scowls thrown their way as the short mare continued bouncing.
"Calm down Doctor, and don't worry Noire, he's only a baby dragon. He got a bit cut up in the library so we brought him here once we crashed." She put a restraining hoof on the pink-haired pony, who was bouncing frantically up and down. "Why are you so interested in dragons?"
"There's such little data on them, if I were to dissect one, I would be rich AND famous!" After stating her motives, the short pony gave a slightly evil grin and accidentally bumped into a medical staff member while rubbing her hooves together.
"You really have misplaced priorities for an eight-year-old." Said Noire, casting a disapproving look at the Doctor, who was too busy fantasizing about power and money to even notice. "Besides, I don't know how miss Sparkle here would appreciate you slicing and dicing up her baby dragon."
"Sorry, Spike's mine," She said grinning, before turning to the detective. "I'm sure Spike had nothing to do with the crash, he was in the library since I went to check on Pinkie Pie."
"All right, but we still have to interview him, he might have seen something we don't know about." The others nodded in agreement as they continued across the hall.
“Oh yeah, do you have my notes on...?” Noire trailed off as Dr. Oxyde started bumping into walls and crashing into ponies and carts as they wheeled along. "Hey Doc, you hangin' in there?" She asked the stumbling filly, who focused a glazed stare at Noire then shook her head to wake herself up.
"M'allright, I just need a bit of a boost." She turned to the right, coming muzzle to glass with a vending machine. She stepped back and rubbed her nose for a few seconds before taking out a few bits and inserting them into the machine. After a bit of grinding, two packets of Skittles fell out of the slot at the bottom. She grabbed them and sat down on a bench next to the machines. “Sweet... two for one, I love it when that happens.”
"That's odd, a second ago she was just fine." Twilight remarked, walking over to the lethargic filly, who was beginning to look dour. "When was the last time you slept?"
"Three days ago." Replied the doctor, tearing open a packet and emptying it in her mouth, wincing slightly at the sudden flavor.
"Three days? Even I need my rest." Said Twilight, looking concerned for the previously-energetic pony.
"It's nothing new." Replied Noire, who had gotten a bag of chips. "She has a very demanding job; one of the only ways she functions is by inhaling heroic amounts of sugar and caffeine."
"All right, look after her would you? I'm going to go check on Spike." Twilight walked into the room and saw Spike almost immediately; the young dragon was too busy tentatively poking at the hospital food to even notice she had come in the room. She called his name and he looked up, a smile coming across his scaly features.
“Twilight! You would not believe the kind of stuff these guys put me through, I mean really, how hard is it to spare a half-pound of diamond?” He rolled his eyes, obviously indignant that precious metals were of such short supply in the middle of a city.
“Hi Spike, how are you feeling?” She walked over to the bed and sat down next to it, looking worried.
“I’m fine, just a few cuts, but nothing serious. What happened anyways? All they’ll tell me is that the airship crashed.”
“You don’t remember anything?” Twilight asked in surprise.
“Not much, I remember a really loud noise, the window shattering, then a huge book flew out of one of the shelves and hit me on the head. I mean it was really big, like if one of your books was caught in a tornado.” He grinned at her, but stopped when he saw Twilight’s expression. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Oh Spike, I’m so sorry I didn’t come to check on you earlier! I was trying to find out who crashed the airship and I completely forgot about you!” Spike paused for a moment, then laughed.
“Hey, it’s nice that you’re worried, but you need to calm down. Sure, technically I’m a baby dragon, but that’s by dragon standards, from a pony’s perspective I’m almost as old as you. Besides, finding out who sunk the ship is way more important than checking on me.”
He reached forward and ruffled Twilight’s mane, making her forlorn expression disappear. “You know I can take care of myself, it’ll take more than a bit of glass to put ‘ol Spike down!” He sat up straight and tried to thrust his chest out, but only succeeded in bumping the tray a little and almost knocking over his water. Twilight laughed at his antics and walked over to the door.
“All right, I have a couple of people I want you to meet.” She opened the door and subsequently had a door nearly fly into her. A pink-maned blur raced past the doorway into the room, followed calmly by Noire. Dr. Oxyde jogged up to Spike and immediately started asking him about his anatomy. Some questions a bit more personal than Spike was comfortable with, and some that he couldn’t even decipher through the haze of vocabulary terms he didn’t know.
“Perhaps we should introduce ourselves before we start the interrogation.” A grey glow surrounded the short mare and dragged her out of the way, replacing her with the detective, who took out her clipboard. “Lisa Antonia Noire, detective.”
“Wow, like a real detective? That’s awesome! I’ve read a bunch of mystery books since Twilight always seems to have them in such huge supply.” Noire looked slightly flattered, but quickly had the spotlight stolen by Doctor Oxyde, who propped her front hooves up on the bed to get Spike’s attention.
“Hiya! I’m Doctor Nitrous Oxyde, forensic investigation.” Spike gave her a flat stare until he finally caved and asked the question ponies usually asked after meeting Dr. Oxyde.
“Who’s the filly?” A little put off, Dr. Oxyde narrowed her eyes at him as Noire and Twilight stifled their laughter.
“I’m twenty-five, I have a PhD, you’d think that going to medical school would earn you some respect.” She said, leaning on the bed in annoyance.
“Uuh, sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.” Spike said, looking genuinely guilty at having misjudged her. The doctor took this in stride, immediately perking up and swiping away Noire’s clipboard while she wasn’t looking. “Hey!” Noire protested, but to no avail.
“Apology accepted! Now, about your reproductive system…” Twilight blushed furiously and cleared her throat loudly enough to get the doctor’s attention.
“Let’s move on to the interrogation all right?” She telekinetically took the clipboard from Oxyde and handed it back to the now slightly flustered detective.
“Right…well. Uuh, when was the last time you saw your friend, the sick one?” Spike took a moment to respond.
“Pinkie? Err…it was kinda late last night. Around ten.”
“Why did you leave so soon after seeing her?” Noire asked through her haze of note-taking.
“I went to get Twilight, the others asked me to.”
“Twilight? Come to think of it, we never did hear your alibi.” She turned to the purple mare with a raised eyebrow and poised pen. While the others were talking, Spike took the opportunity to look over at Dr. Oxyde, who had been searching her pockets for the last few seconds. Just as he was about to ask what she was looking for, the filly pulled out a hoof-full of gummy bears and stuffed them into her mouth.
“Hey, I-uh, I’m actually sorry for thinking you were a kid.” He said, looking down rather than meeting the pony’s eyes. “People think that I’m a kid all the time too, which I guess I am. I just feel a lot older than most ponies make me out to be y’know? I can take care of myself every now and then.” Oxyde bobbed her head up and down in agreement, making her stuffed cheeks wiggle ridiculously.
“Ish fish bish misht bish!” She said through the candy. When she only got an odd look from Spike in response, she swallowed the sweets and cleared her throat. “I said don’t worry about it. Sure it’s a bit irritating at times, but I don’t mind all that much. What happened to me is part of my life, I dealt with it and moved on.” She paused, and then wiggled an eyebrow at Spike mysteriously. “Or I’m a perfect genius child, and the best liar in Equestria.” They continued staring at each other for a moment before bursting out in laughter. “Now, let’s see how your flammable gas substance outtake sac is functioning.”
“My what?”
“Please set something on fire.” She asked, putting on her best puppy eyes.
“Uhhh, I’m not sure I should-“ Spike was saved by Twilight and Noire, who came back from their discussion not a moment too soon.
“All right, we’ve cleared Twilight, so what path did you take to head to the library?” Spike threw a sidelong look at the doctor, who was still grinning as if committed to making him set a hospital on fire. He picked up a glass of orange juice from the tray and took a sip. This was going to be one of those days.
“I’m not sure, I got really lost, which was why I was so out of breath when I got to the library. I might have gone past the cafeteria, the hub, the engines…”
“Wait, the engines? Those are on the other side of the ship!”
“Well, I was REALLY lost. It took me half an hour to get to the library.”
“All right, the engines are where it all happened; did you go into any of the rooms?” Noire asked, still writing on her clipboard.
“No.”
“Well…did you see anything suspicious?” Spike raised a claw to his chin in thought as he absent-mindedly stirred the orange juice with the other.
“I have no idea, I just had to get to Twilight, Pinkie Pie looked awful and I didn’t have the time to stop.” He took his claw out from the drink and drew a smiley face on the napkin. The way a perfect orange dot formed wherever he touched the paper made a thought lodge in Twilight’s head.
“Hold on, Spike, draw on the napkin like that again.” Twilight said, beckoning to Noire with her hoof.
“Um, okay.” He dipped his claw in the drink again and drew a stick pony.
“No…what were you drawing before?” Twilight asked, there was a difference between the drawings, and the first one had captured her attention.
“Oh, you mean the face?” He drew a slanted line pointing downwards for a sad mouth, followed by two forlorn-looking dots for the eyes.
“That’s it, make more of the spots.” The purple unicorn requested, stating intently at the drawing. Spike complied, after a moment of only using one claw; he dipped all of his fingers in the juice and started to tap each one of them in sequence.
“What kind of bomb was set off again?” Twilight asked, not removing her gaze from the napkin.
“Oh, plastic explosive, the culprit set a countdown on each one of them.” Noire said, consulting her notes. “We have a picture if you want.”
“No thanks,” Twilight said, not looking back. “What is it, what’s bothering me so much?” She asked out loud.
“Intuition is a detective’s best friend.” Noire said, sidling up next to her temporary assistant. “Don’t focus on one answer, if you do, you’ll lose sight of something else.” Spike, who had gotten bored, was trying to ignite the napkin with his breath, much to the pleasure of Doctor Oxyde, who was giggling madly and egging him on.
“There’s just something about the pattern of the spots on the napkin that-“ Twilight’s thoughts were interrupted by a bright flare that had just burst next to her. Spike, still not being completely in control of his flames, had overestimated the necessary force it took to set a napkin on fire. There was now a giant burn mark on his blanket and most of the tray had been burned to cinders. One spot on the platform was perfectly clear, Spike’s fireproof hand had blocked the flames, and a neat stencil of it was now imprinted on the wood.
“Oops.” Spike said sheepishly, trying not to notice Dr. Oxyde’s overzealous promotion of his pyrotechnics. “That was awesome! Do it again! Pleeeeease!” The doctor begged. Rather than reprimanding him, Twilight was studying the mark his hand had made on the tray.
“Noire, could you hand me all the photos we’ve taken on the case?” The grey mare pulled a stack of small photographs out from her folder and levitated them to Twilight, who began to flip through them haphazardly, letting a few hit the floor in her frantic searching.
After a number of photos, she found the one she was looking for, the picture Noire had snapped of Pinkie before they wheeled her away. Right on her forehead, there was a small circle with five sticks poking out of it. When they looked down at the handprint on the table, they saw an almost perfect likeness between them.
“I’ll be damned.” Noire whispered, trying not to alert the others to what they were seeing. “Do you really think that he-?”
“No, he wouldn’t have had the time. Plus, look, his hand doesn’t match the one in the photo.” She squinted at the shape on the photograph; the tips of the print were rounded instead of sharper, like Spike’s were.
“Well, he could have been wearing gloves.” Noire responded, sounding a bit uncertain about herself.
“Not likely, you can see the lines at the center and on the fingers, a glove would impede a full print, Spike’s claws aren’t this long. Plus the amount of fluid here couldn’t have been from a glove.” Noire took a moment to consider her evidence, but finally nodded in agreement. Just then, Doctor Oxyde came up and handed a photograph to Twilight.
“Hey, check this one out,” On the picture was the one undetonated bomb before it had been cleaned. On the keypad were small dots of green corresponding to the exact calculated space between the detonations. Each one had gone off every four minutes; there was a dot on the four, a much darker dot on the zero suggested they were pressed repeatedly, and one more on the button to begin the sequence. At the top-right corner of the picture, a maggot was slithering onto the screen and tilting its head up to the camera. Unlike the previous one Twilight had seen, this one had a capital X for its eyes with a capital D underneath, giving it the appearance of taunting whoever was taking the picture.
“This is it! Thanks Doctor, you’re amazing!” She said, beaming at the filly as she handed the picture to Noire.
“I know right!? That maggot is so cute!” She said, sitting down and looking very proud of herself. Noire rolled her eyes as she inspected the photograph.
“Well, that clinches it; the culprit had appendages like Spike’s.” She tucked the picture back into her folder. “I’m guessing Raindrops told you about the pattern on the bomb and you made the connection with the keypad.”
“Raindrops is here?” Spike asked, looking at Twilight curiously.
“Uh-huh, she’s in charge of the engineering team.” The doctor said, sitting at the edge of Spike’s’ bed.
“I’d never seen the photograph before, but look at the difference between the marks Spike’s claws make and the spots on the keypad.” Twilight pointed to a less-cremated piece of napkin with a small orange dot on it.
“Well, I checked the roster, and there are no other dragons that I know of. In fact, I don’t think a dragon older than Spike has ever been on an airship.” Twilight shook her head.
“I know, but other than that have no idea what it could be.”
“Well, I think we know it doesn’t have claws, since Spike’s fingers sharpen, the tips would be much smaller than they are in the picture.” Noire took the photo out again and pointed at the markings to prove her point. “Do you know any monsters that have feathers, magic, non-clawed hands, extreme contagion, and the ability to put together a plan and operate a bomb?”
“Well, I know of a few with some of those traits, but if you combine even two of the things you just said, you get some ancient, evil things. The most dangerous creatures in recorded history only have one or two of the abilities listed here.” Twilight said, frowning in thought and worry. “All I can say is that I really, really hope we’re not up against something that awful.” The room fell into a tense, pensive silence before Spike spoke up.
“I think Lyra finally got those “hands” or whatever, and decided to blow up an airship.” He and Twilight started laughing, getting strange looks from the doctor and Noire. The purple unicorn waved them off with a hoof.
“Forget it, just someone we know.” Twilight said, “Well, I guess we’d better go see Pinkie, if she can tell us what it is then we’ll be saved a LOT of work.” She gave Spike a quick hug, then walked out of the room with Noir, who shook the dragon’s hand and followed suit.
“Let’s hang out sometime, kay?” Said Dr. Oxyde, perky as always. She gave her new friend a one-armed hug and skipped out of the room. “I like him.” She said to the others.
“I’m glad you approve.” Said Twilight sarcastically, smiling anyways.
“This has been eye-opening,” Noire said, frowning at the floor in thought. “But we’re even further than before, is there any chance you could list some of the creatures you were thinking of before?” She asked Twilight, who seemed hesitant.
“It’s not likely that it’s any of them, almost all of them are locked up in Tartarus and even then, the chance that it is one of them is pretty slim.” The detective nodded a bit solemnly and the continued in silence for a while.
“Hey, cheer up; let’s go check on your bud! I’m sure she can tell us whodunit!” Said Dr. Oxyde, who was still skipping happily along the hall.
“Oh Celestia, I just realized.” Twilight said grimly, slapping a hoof to her face.
“What? What is it?” Noire asked urgently, Dr. Oxyde turned around, skipping backwards with a surprising amount of success.
“I’m going to introduce Dr. Oxyde to Pinkie Pie.” The doctor chose that moment to trip over her own hooves and flip around backwards a few times before finally coming to a dead stop upside-down against a wall. She stared up lopsidedly at them for little before flipping back over and standing up.
“I meant to do that.” She said dismissively before dusting herself off and walking away haughtily.
-----
Pinkie’s ward was similar to Spike’s in the sense that there were a lot of other ponies there; there were scarcely any noises at all. They found her almost immediately; she was only a few beds to the left of the entrance they took. They got all the greetings out of the way and had idly chatted for a bit before Noire pulled Twilight to the side.
“I thought you said she was always bouncing all over the place, she doesn’t look remotely happy.” She said, furrowing her brow in concern, Twilight shook her head.
“She’s sick Noire, that’s reason enough not to be happy, but she does seem even worse than last time she took ill.”
“What happened last time?”
“She ate a gross muffin and got food poisoning.” Twilight said, shrugging, “She wasn’t like this though, I’ve rarely seen Pinkie keep a normal conversation clean of non-sequiturs for more than thirty seconds.” They turned around to see Doctor Oxyde telling her a joke about an operation she participated in.
“And when the patient woke up, his skeleton was missing, and the doctor was never heard from again!” Pinkie smiled weakly, but Oxyde giggled so hard, she almost fell over. Once she got control of herself, she pulled out her stopwatch and took the intravenous needle out of Pinkie’s front leg. “I’ll need this.”
“Ow,” Pinkie said, rubbing her foreleg with a hoof, “What for?”
“I don’t mean to undermine the work of the good ponies here, but they don’t know jack about pretty much everything that has to do with medicine.” She plugged the needle into the device and reversed the flow, pouring a small amount of Pinkie’s blood into the device. “Hey Noire, you can question her while this thing processes.” The grey unicorn walked over and pulled out her clipboard.
“All right, do you remember anything that happened before you blacked out?” She asked, pulling a pen out of her saddlebag.
“Sure, I remember everything.” Pinkie responded.
“Oh. Okay. I don’t suppose you could describe the culprit?” She asked, looking hopeful.
“Actually-“ Pinkie started, before being cut off by Noire.
“I thought not, oh well, it’s always worth a try.”
“I can do more than that, I can tell you who it is.” The detective looked absolutely baffled by this, but recovered and let the pen hover over the paper. “His name is Pestilence, or at least, I think it’s a him.” She said, scratching her hair with a hoof.
“Its name was Pestilence?” Twilight asked, “That’s…fitting.”
“Yup, he’s not a pony, I’m not actually sure what he is, but when I first saw him, he was wearing a mask.”
“Could you describe him and the mask?” Noire asked, still writing what Pinkie said.
“Sure, the mask had two big porthole things in the middle; those would probably be the goggles on it, there were two holes, one on the bottom, and one a bit to the right of it. They were covered with these grids at the end.” She was making shapes in the air, but Noire’s notes illustrated it better than Pinkie’s invisible shapes could.
“What about under the mask?” The detective asked.
“Well, he’s green.”
“Huh, go figure.” Twilight said. “Continue.”
“He walks on two legs and uses his front legs to pick up stuff, like Spike does-”
“Wait, does he have wings or magic?” Pinkie put a hoof to her chin in thought before responding.
“Yes magic, no wings.”
“But-the stuff we found on the feather matched every other substance in the airship that was green.” Noire commented, frowning as she wrote.
“I didn’t see any wings, I suppose he had to get onto the airship somehow, but I assumed he teleported or just snuck on.”
Twilight shook her head. “It’s almost impossible to teleport onto a fast-moving object at that altitude.” Noire nodded at Pinkie, signaling her to keep talking.
“All right, with his mask off he looks…sick.”
“Like you look right now?” Twilight asked.
“No, much, much worse then I look. He has all these boils and rotten teeth and creepy blisters and he drools and drips that green stuff all the time.”
“Hey Twilight…” Noire gestured at Pinkie’s forehead, where a faint green mark was outlined against her the rest of her fur. It was still covered in a film of green liquid, even hours after the original infliction.
“All right, so everywhere he touches, the green stuff appears. But why are there long trails of it on the wall?” Twilight wondered aloud.
“Maybe he does it for fun.” Pinkie suggested, “I like running my hoof across walls sometimes when I walk, what if he does too?”
“Well, it’s a theory.” Twilight said hesitantly, not wanting to agree, but secretly thinking it sounded ridiculous.
“What kind of weapon was he using?” Noire asked.
“A knife…sort of.”
“Sort of?”
“He picked up one of those tiny knives that you find in hospitals-“ Noire nodded in confirmation.
“A scalpel was missing from the hospital inventory.”
“Then he turned it into a different knife.” Noire, who was about to continue writing, paused.
“He did what now?” She asked, looking up from her clipboard.
“He kind of swung it around and it got bigger, after that it looked like pretty normal kitchen knife. It was painted all black and dark green, and it was covered with a different sort of green stuff.”
“Was it the same liquid that was identified in the hallway?”
“No, this was much brighter, and…drippier.”
Doctor Oxyde handed her stopwatch to Noire, who flipped it open and then presented it to the pink pony. “Did it look like this?” Pinkie, who obviously saw something familiar on the screen, nodded. “Well, that clinches it.” She sighed and handed the device back to Oxyde.
“The knife was always covered in that, it dripped constantly, but evaporated as soon as it hit the floor.”
“That makes sense, the toxin needs to be kept at regulation conditions at all times, the knife must have been extremely well-preserved.” Twilight chimed in.
“How was he able to hold the knife though?” Noire wondered aloud.
“I’m not sure, but he only held it for a little while. Most of the time it just floated next to him.” Pinkie responded.
“Maybe he can only hold it for a little while, small amounts of the chemical probably wouldn’t hold up against a strong immunity.”
“Hey Twilight, do you think you could I.D. why the scalpel turned into a different knife entirely?” Noire asked, reviewing her notes before continuing to write fervently.
“My top theory is pretty out there, but then again, what isn’t in this case?” She sighed then continued speaking. “If a unicorn or other magical creature manages to form a bond with a certain item, they can cast a summoning spell to bring it to them. It’s intermediate magic, but summoning spells are finicky; some unicorns can’t cast them at all.” She paused for a moment to collect her thoughts, then continued. “One alternative to this is the artifact conversion spell, it’s much more advanced than summoning magic, but very possible if you need that alternative.
“The spell creates a perfect imprint of the item in your magic, once you find an object with similar properties; you can convert that item into your artifact. Artifacts can be conserved forever; any spells placed on the item at the time of imprinting are copied onto each instance of the object from then on, unless the imprint is updated.” Once she had finished speaking, the others let the information sink in silently before Noire spoke up.
“That explains pretty much everything that happened with the weapon. But why is it so unlikely?”
“It’s not an easy spell by any means; you need to have an extremely powerful connection with the object. I probably wouldn’t be able to cast it, and if I could, no object is important enough for me to imprint.”
“I could think of a few objects I know…intimately enough to imprint,” Noire said, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively before slapping a hoof over her mouth and widening her eyes in surprise. “Oh Celestia, I’m turning into Arils.”
“Hey, you’re a detective right?” Pinkie asked Noire, who had to stop shuddering uncomfortably before nodding. “Shouldn’t you be drawing that guy I described like all the movie detectives do?”
“That’s a great idea Pinkie.” Twilight said, smiling at her friend before turning to Noire expectantly.
“Well…uh, okay.” The grey unicorn let her pen hover over the paper hesitantly for a few moments before finally asking for another description of the suspect. Once Pinkie had finished speaking, Noire was making some final details on the paper. She finally lifted her pen and cast a downtrodden expression at the drawing.
“Let’s see it.” Twilight said, much to the detective’s chagrin. She lifted up the paper to show a long stick with two smaller sticks at the bottom, and two near the top. At the top of the stick was a circle that contained a heavily frowning angry face.
“Why does he have sharp teeth?”
“What’s that triangle floating in the air next to him?”
“Why do you suck at drawing?” Everyone turned their heads to see Oxyde, who had remained silent for most of the questioning, had just spoken up. “Noire’s always been a pretty crappy artist, I mean, I draw like an eight year foal, and I’m still better than her!” Noire glared intensely at the filly for a moment before bowing her head sadly. Which made Oxyde hesitantly amble over to make her feel better. “It’s not a bad thing, you’re much better than me at plenty of other stuff.”
“Yeah! Everyone has their special talents, Twilight’s one of the most powerfullest-est unicorns in Equestria, but she can’t dance to save her-“ Pinkie was interrupted by Twilight shoving the bed slightly and throwing an embarrassed look her way. Noire laughed and, seeming significantly cheered up, crumpled up the drawing and threw it in the trash can.
A few minutes later, a nurse walked in and announced that Pinkie had more visitors. When she agreed to see them, four other mares trotted around the corner anxiously. Fluttershy and Rarity immediately started fussing over Pinkie, while the other two were content with asking how she was without smothering her. After all the questions were answered, the four friends got around to noticing Oxyde and Noire. Once introductions were made, they asked for an explanation of the situation.
“Well, here’s what we have so far, we’ve identified the suspect as being bipedal, he has hands and spreads a specific substance wherever he touches. Our leading theory on his weapon is an artifact imprinting spell, the weapon being constantly covered in an identified, but unavailable substance. We have no ID on the species of the suspect as of right now.”
“Do you have a picture to show us?” Rarity asked, cocking an eyebrow, “Maybe if someone drew the creature we could -”
“No.” Said three of the room’s patrons at once, all casting furtive glances at the piece of crumpled artwork inside the trash can.
“Anyways,” Noire said, flipping up the top page of the report and continuing. “Suspect confirmed to have magic, wings unconfirmed, but still very likely.”
“Both magic and wings?” Rainbow Dash asked incredulously.
“I know, it poses a problem and makes identification even more difficult, but we’re trying.” The detective flipped her clipboard closed and turned to Oxyde. “Anything you want to add, doc?” The doctor had a peculiar expression on her face, she was frowning at her stopwatch and looked almost concerned. Noire had to repeat her name before she finally looked up.
“What? Me? Nothing.” She stood up and replaced the device at her side. “We should leave Noire. Twilight, meet us at this address later. Miss Pie, thank you for your time.” Still not smiling, Doctor Oxyde prepared to walk out of the room.
“Wait, what reading did you get on the chemical?” Noire asked the doctor, who had a break in expression for only a moment before setting her face once again.
“Nothing, this stupid thing couldn’t read it.” She cast a disappointed expression at the stopwatch resting against her flank before once again gesturing towards the door.
“Fine, see you later Twi.” Noire nodded to the group and walked out tentatively after the undersized doctor.
“What was that about?” Applejack asked, looking at the door the pair just exited out of.
“Those two are always kind of odd; I’ll see what was bothering the doctor later tonight.” Twilight said dismissively. They spent the next few hours laughing and joking, Pinkie only smiling weakly every time a joke or good story was told. The replacement for her overzealous laugher was confusing the others, which only added to the concern they felt when she looked a bit worse by the hour.
“And THAT is the best story of all time.” Said Rainbow Dash, trying to speak over the uproarious laughter in the room.
“Ah still think the ‘Lemon Mishap’ was better.” Applejack said, wiping a tear away from her eye and trying to stifle any other chuckles. “What about you Twi?”
“Give me a second to think of a good one.” Twilight said, putting a hoof to her chin. As she did, she didn’t notice the large beige form that was slowly creeping into her vision or the disturbed stares she was getting from the others. The thing that grasped her attention was when the giant beige blob turned around and stared at her with two small beady eyes and a forlorn, curved mouth. Twilight jumped up and screamed, making the giant, fat maggot on her head flop around as it clung on stubbornly. “Gedditoff, gedditoff, gedditoff, gedditoff!” She shouted, hopping around the room ineffectually as the parasite continued looking genuinely unhappy at being flailed around.
“Be careful!” Fluttershy said, flying over and grabbing it off her head. “You don’t want to hurt him…” She examined the grub before facing it and straight-up asking how it was feeling. The maggot responded by gurgling and drooling a little bit, which was apparently an acceptable answer, as Fluttershy set it down. Twilight touched her head with a hoof, feeling the sticky film the grub left behind and wincing in disgust.
“Eww…” She said, looking up as she noticed everyone was laughing at her, including Pinkie. Rainbow Dash was laughing so hard she actually fell out of the air, sliding for a bit before coming to a stop at Twilight’s hooves. One of which promptly spread some of the substance from the maggot onto her head.
“Gross…maggot juice.” The pegasus said, grabbing a towel from Pinkie’s bedside and wiping her face clean.
“Excuse me girls,” A doctor said, walking in and smiling at them. “Miss Pie needs her bed rest.” They agreed and said good-bye to Pinkie, thanking the doctor for letting them visit her.
“Oh! Doctor, there’s a huge grub on the floor right…” Twilight looked at the maggot’s previous position, which was now just a mucous stain with a trail leading under the bed. “There…” She sighed and turned around. “All right, let’s go...and check your manes for any passengers.” Twilight added; making Rarity whimper slightly as she eyed her immaculate hairstyle.
“I’ll take care of your friend, she’ll be better in no time!” He put a hoof on Pinkie’s forehead right on the five-fingered mark. An audible squelching sound emitted on contact and he withdrew his hoof, looking at it carefully. “Probably shouldn’t have done that.”