//------------------------------// // Trivia Night // Story: Social Drinking // by arcaneCentrifuge //------------------------------// "Evening, Punch." "Evening, Burst," Berry Punch mumbled, almost slipping as she climbed onto the bar stool. Purse-strings were tight, and she had pre-gamed a little bit this evening... it was more cost-effective to drink at home than at the bar. But she couldn't not show up at all. Not tonight. Not on Wednesday. Trivia night. "You guys're packed tonight. Whats the special?" The bar was nowhere near "packed", but it was about as close as they came. Saddlebags Rest was only the most recent in a long line of financially unsustainable alcoholic Ponyville institutions. Before Saddlebags Rest, it had been the Longface Tavern. Before that, it was the Naughty Nocturne, Half-Full Bar, Stable of Four... all the way back to Pony Lane, when Ponyville was only recently founded. As long as there was a Ponyville, there would be a Ponyville Bar, and it would always be a few weeks in the red away from total fiscal meltdown. Ponyville was, for the most part, a town of teetotallers. Perhaps it was because Ponyville suffered from rural attitudes about temperence. Or perhaps it was just an illusion, since everyone knew every colt and his grandmother had a still set up in their basement. But either way, Ponyville just didn't have a "night life". It wasn't that kind of community. And for most of the locals, that was fine. Most of the locals. But not Berry Punch. BP didnt think of herself as a drunk. Drunks were people who couldn't find their way home after last call. Drunks were ponies, innocent ponies, that drank too much and found themselves out of their element. Berry Punch was never out of her element. Drinking WAS her element. She was doing what she was meant to be doing. If anypony had any question about that, the answer was right there on her flank. Drinking wasn't just something she did. It was her super-special talent. There's no 12-step program for getting a new cutie mark. She was who she was, and she didn't have a problem with it. But she couldn't drink at home, either. well. That wasnt entirely true. Of course she still drank at home. Hell, she'd made herself a rum and cranberry just for the walk over here. But she wouldn't do her serious drinking at home. Those were the rules, when you wanted to think of yourself as a social drinker. So that was why she was here. To drink, socially. Hop Burst, one of the bartenders of the Saddlebags, pointed at the big slate board leaning against the bar. It said: "Mixed drinks half-off between 5 and 7!" BP scowled up at the clock on the wall. "Zat your idea of a joke?" "It's not a joke, Beeps. I'm sorry, but I cant extend Happy Hour to 8 anymore. The last time the boss threatened to take the money out of my wages! I'd barely break even!" Her face fell. "I cant afford that shit." "I dont even get off until 7!" Berry Punch said. "Cant you convince him that I, as a Very Important Patron, am valuable enough to this bar to justify it?" She rolled her eyes and held up a hoof to stop BP as a pony further down the bar flagged her down. "We can argue about this later. If you dont whine I'll comp you a drink later, okay?" "Fiiiiiine," BP whined. "Gimme a roman cola when ya get back, kay?" HP gave her a 'hooves up' as she poured a cider on draft for the other stallion. Berry Punch took this moment, not having a drink yet, to cast an eye across the crowd tonight. It was a typical workhorse crowd. If this was a Saturday night, the place would be full of tourists. That was something BP was still trying to get used to. Ponyville had been nowheresville until about two years ago, and frankly, she'd liked it that way. The close proximity of the Everfree Forest and the overall "bumpkin" image of the town meant that there was really nothing worth visiting in Ponyville. That was before Celestia's protege came to town. Now it seemed like Ponyville made the national news on a near weekly basis. But tonight the crowd was mostly mules, here in Ponyville for one construction job or another. BP was sure Hop Burst must be happy about that. Mules meant she'd be mainly serving beer, instead of the cheap, thin swill that they sold as cider. Most ponies would rather drink a bad cider than a good beer. Mules, on the other hand, invariably preferred beer. The only ponies at the bar tonight were the regulars... each nursing a Crab Red or a cocktail as they waited for the trivia teams to pair up. BP recognized a few of them. Trivia night was a time-honored occasion and the prize for winning each week was worth competing for. But most of them, the ones who were there every Wednesday, already knew to stay the hell away from Berry Punch. She'd had to go partnerless for the past two Wednesdays. "Rum and cola," Burst said, pushing the highball glass across the bar to BP. It had a toothpick-kebab of grapes and a strawberry garnishing it; Punch's signature garnish. "Are you starting another tab?" "Yeah sure," Punch said, taking the first sip. "Mmm. I'm at least going to be drinking through the quiz portions. What's the category round gonna be tonight?" "Grab bag," Burst said, briefly disappearing under the counter to drag a new keg of Crab Red up to the hook-up and pushing the empty keg where it wouldn't get out of her way. "I was going to do Pony History but with the crowd being what it is, General seems better. Be nice to get some of the blue-collars to try to play." "Those guys?" Punch raised an eyebrow. "I mean I dont wanna be mean, but..." Hop Burst waved away the conversation. "Dont even start. Mules are good customers and they LIKE my beer. Better customers than some." "I'm a great customer!" Punch protested. "Come on! I am a GREAT customer. When have I not tipped well, Punch? When have I ever stiffed you?" "Monday." "Yester..." Punch set her glass down to think. Hop Burst braced her head up with her hoof, waiting. "Oh. Ohhh. Oh, Bursty. No no no no no I wasn't not tipping! I just... had to go in a hurry, and... at least I settled the night's tab before I left, right?" Hop Burst kept frowning. "I didn't? Haha, oh man, what a... what an accident that was! Of course I'll pay now, I have the money! I just... how much was my bill, again?" "Thirty-eight bits." "Thirty-ish bits? That's... oh yeah, I definitely have around that much. Look, since I'm already here, and I've got a drink, how about we just extend last night's tab into today? Ehh? Just merge the tabs? And then I'll settle up at closing time?" Burst shook her head. "You mean, assuming you dont win the trivia contest, right? In which case, the combined tab would just disappear and the bar would be out a lot of money. I'm not combining your tabs. They stay separate." "I may have it to let it ride if I dont win, then," Punch grimaced. "I mean... you know I'm good for it?" "You know I love you Beeps but if you make me have to cover for you to the boss... just settle up before you go, okay?" Punch opened her mouth to make some promises, only to be cut off by the sound of hooves clopping together at the end of the bar. She and Hop Burst turned to notice the impatient blue unicorn in a hood who, apparently, had been trying to catch the bartender's attention. The unicorn said nothing but levitated an empty glass with a celery stalk sticking out of it and shook it a little. Hop Burst frowned. "Be right back." Burst dumped out the celery stalk garnish on a napkin for the customer to munch on or dispose of at her discretion and whipped up another Bloody Mare. As soon as the drink was on the bar, the unicorn mare grabbed it and turned away, angling her face away from the crowd... and from Berry Punch. Punch pulled the last grape off her toothpick garnish and chewed it idly as Burst returned and started to make her a fresh rum and cola. "Hey... Burst, have you seen that mare before?" "Miss Stoli-and-tomato-juice? No, I don't think she's from around here." Punch shook her head. "No, but... are you sure you haven't seen her? I've got the weirdest feeling..." "How can you tell? I've served her three of those Bloody Mares and I think I've only gotten two clear looks at her face. She kinda creeps me out a little." Punch shrugged. "Maybe I'm just imagining it. I dunno. Anyway. Are we going to get started soon?" "Yeeees," Burst said slowly. "Most of them have already paired off already, actually. Everyone got here early tonight. Everyone who I know is coming." "So someone doesnt have a partner yet?" Burst's eyes lit up. "We have an odd number? Oh, who? Is it a regular?" "Actually, that's kind of the thing. He specifically-" But Burst was already scanning the crowd for ponies that were sitting alone. "I dont get it. Who's the odd pony out?" Hop Burst sighed. "...You are, Beeps. I mean, that's not accurate, the odd pony out is Thunderlane, but... he specifically asked not to be paired with you." "He..." Punch's jaw dropped. "No! He did not." "He certainly did." "Why that-" BP slammed her drink down loudly on the bar. Behind her, well outside her field of vision, a black stallion shrank into his chair at the sound. "That jerk! How dare he- on what grounds- I dont- Last time he were grouped up we had a blast! I dont get why he's acting like this!" "Last time you were grouped you got way too drunk and grabbed his ass," Burst said. "You remember that, right?" "WELL, I wouldn't have grabbed him if he hadn't been so rude! He was clearly making fun of the way I talked!" Punch picked her rum back up and sipped it once, indignantly. "And Burro isn't Thunderlane's ass, he's his OWN ass. Get with the times, Burst! Donkey rights!" "Yes, well, they also have the right to not be assaulted when theyre just trying to enjoy a drink with a... friend. Slow down on your rum, Punch." "I'm not-" Punch looked down. Her second rum (third if you counted pre-gaming) was almost polished off already. "Oh. Hmm." "Also, you groped Thunderlane's flank." Punch squinted. "Did I do that? I dont remember-" "Aaaaand then threw up on him." "Hmmm." Punch frowned at was left of her rum, then tossed it back and pushed the empty glass back over to Hop Burst. "Well... that does sound like me." "I'm sorry but I cant make people partner up if they dont want to. He's gonna be playing by himself tonight." Burst took the glass, but didnt immediately make Punch another drink. A good bartender knows when to withhold. "If you'd learn to control your temper... and to respect other's boundaries, you'd probably have an easier time making friends." "Whoa." Punch raised her hands. "Time out. Whoa. I have friends, okay. I have tons of friends. Don't make this a saturday morning special here. I have plenty of friends." "Why dont you ever invite them to come here, then? I could always use the business of a few more customers that can keep up with you." "Well, I dont..." Punch thought about it. "I mean, well, there's Cheerilee. But she doesn't really drink, anymore. Went all 12-steppy when she got that teaching job. There's, uh... Pinkie Pie?" "Pinkie Pie is friends with everyone, Beeps," Burst said. "Pinkie Pie is even friends with my mother. I dont think they've ever spent longer than two minutes together and Pinkie Pie is helping my dad throw her a surprise anniversary party this weekend. Pinkie Pie doesn't count." "Okay, well... you're my friend!" Punch reached across the bar and patted the pegasus bartender on the head. "You're my friend, right? Bursty?" "Because I provide you with alcohol. And I cant be your partner, Punch. It's my trivia. I already know all the answers." "Well, FINE!" Punch recoiled back from Burst sulkily. "If you have all the answers then what am I supposed to do? It's almost 8:30! I'm not going to play without a partner! I'm here to drink socially, dammit! I'm a SOCIAL PONY!" The rest of the bar suddenly seemed to have gotten really quiet. Punch slowly turned in her barstool, just enough to see the crowd out of the corner of her eye. They seemed to be staring at her. Punch swiveled back to face Hop Burst. "I'd like to apologize. I think I'm drunker than I thought I was." "I accept your apology." Hop Burst hesitated, then gave the fuschia mare a half-hug across the bar. "If you're good, in fifteen minutes I'll serve you a drink. But you have to promise you aren't going to 'Berry Punch' any customers tonight, okay? Can you keep yourself calm for me?" "I will be so calm," Punch promised with the sincerity of the inebriated. "I will be so, so calm. I'm sorry Bursty I dont wanna get you in trouble, it's just, it's hard being me and i get so frustrated and no one wants to pair up with me and oh celestia its TRUE i dont even have any FRIENDS-" "Why dont you go use the Little Filly's Room?" Burst said quickly, cutting her off before she started sobbing into her napkins. "And when you get back we'll get started. Does that sound good, Beeps?" Punch nodded, pouting a little. She climbed off her stool carefully and trotted down the length of the bar, past the hooded unicorn. She was pretty sure the unicorn was watching her as she passed by, but there was no way to peek and confirm. She took a left and found the bathroom. Once Punch had cleaned herself up and taken a few deep breaths, she started to feel a lot more relaxed. The alcohol had hit her kinda suddenly, but she felt less weepy and more sleepy. Trivia night would wake her up. Trivia night always got her excited. Game face on, Berry Punch strode out of the restroom with swagger. Screw Thunderlane and screw his dumb ass, and screw not having friends. She could make friends if she wanted to, being social was what being a social drinker was all about! She turned right to walk back to her bar stool, where Hop Burst was already waiting with a new drink. She stopped. The drink looked nice, but... Punch clumsily climbed up to the first free stool to her right... the one next to the one that was furthest away from the rest of the crowd. The one right next to... the hooded blue unicorn. Little Miss Stoli-and-tomato-juice. Once she was comfortably on the stool, she turned on it to face the blue unicorn (who was shrinking into the wall divider to try avoid Berry Punch). She stuck out a hoof. "Hi! I'm Berry Punch! I'm... hey, let's be social! Let's socialize, okay? What's your name? Have I met you before? I swear you seem vaguely familiar and I KNOW this must be weird to have ponies randomly come up to you, but it's just itching at my brain and if I could just put my finger on it- dang! Hey, what're you drinking tonight?" The blue unicorn seemed to be sensing that Berry Punch was not going to go away on her own. She turned back enough so the other pony could see what she was drinking- a Bloody Mare, of course, the same one she had been nursing. When she spoke, her voice was low, but the tone of derision was impossible to miss. "What do you think? How many drinks do you know that are made with tomato juice?" "Uh, off the top of my head..." Berry Punch cocked a head in thought. "Bloody Bull, Bloody Sunday, Scary Mary, Snake's Blood, Tomboy, Rooster Tail, Bannockburn, Clam Digger-" "It's a Bloody Mare!" the unicorn hissed. "It's OBVIOUSLY a Bloody Mare! I've never even heard of... any of those!" "Really? I hadn't even started to go obscure. Ever had... a Cajun Tomato? Vampire's Kiss? Tomato Slammer? Red Ruth? Autopsy, Banderas, Carnegie Sunri-" "NO! No. I have never had any of those. I have never had any drink with tomato juice that wasn't a Bloody Mare. Thank you for enlightening me. Now if you'll leave me to my drink, I'm not here to socia-" "It's just that you look like you're on the way to racking up quite a tab," Berry Punch interrupted. "And you're not a local, but you're here on a Wednesday. So you probably have no idea what's up. But tonight is trivia night, and any minute now the bartender is going to get started." "Thanks for the warning," the unicorn said. She turned back away. "I'll be sure to stay far away from your hickville party games." "Aaaand you see, there's a prize for whoever wins," Berry Punch continued. "And I just figured, well, I dont have a partner. So I thought-" "You thought wrong," the unicorn responded sharply. "I didnt come here to socialize, or play trivia games. I came here to drink until I cant remember my name anymore. Although at this point I think I'd be satisfied with drinking until I didnt know YOUR name anymore. What was it? Very Drunk? Oh, I seem to have lost it already!" "Whatever team wins gets their tab covered for the rest of the night," Berry Punch said. "I dont have a partner because everyone here is awful, but if we team up, and win, you can drink as much as you want for the rest of the night, on the house." The unicorn considered this. "...How long is the trivia contest?" "About an hour and a half, maybe two. And the bar's open until 2, so..." "So that's a good-" "Three hours to drink as much as you want," Berry Punch said. "Maybe three and a half." "That's a lot of time to drink..." the unicorn mused. "Enough time to kill every brain cell in your pretty little head!" Punch said. "Unless you dont think you have a chance of winning, I mean..." The unicorn's eyes flashed with anger and she tossed her hood back, revealing her full face. "A 'chance'? You have no idea who you're talking to, clearly. There is no 'chance', here. I'm going to win, that much is a certainty. The only question was whether it would be worth my time." She scowled and drained the rest of her bloody mare. "Do you have any intention of contributing to our inevitable victory, or does your freaky encyclopedic knowledge end with obscure cocktails?" "Dont worry," Punch said. "I can more than pull my weight. Bar trivia is what I do, we have this in the bag." The unicorn snorted derisively. "I'll take your word for it. And if you're bluffing, I'm not too magnanimous to let you ride my considerable coattails. It would practically be an act of charity." "Speaking of charity..." BP waved a hoof at Hop Burst. "Hey can I get that drink over here, Bursty? And get Snooty Horn another drink on my tab!" "I can pay for my own drinks," the unicorn said. "And the sooner we get started so I can win already, I wont have to." "Buy you a drink if you tell me your name?" "I just said I can pay for my- hello." Hop Burst had arrived at their side of the bar and was looking bemused. She slid Berry Punch's drink over to her. "Hello. You girls having fun?" "No," the unicorn scowled. "Yes," Berry Punch said, sipping her new drink. It wasnt a rum and cola, but it tasted pretty good. "We're going to be teaming up for the trivia contest!" "Great, the rest of the ponies are getting antsy. Another Bloody Mare, Miss...?" "My name is the Great and..." the unicorn considered. "...Lulamoon. Just call me Lulamoon. And I'll have an old fashioned, if you can make it right." "Um," Burst said. "I can make it *almost* right. We're out of angostura bitters, but I have orange bitters, would that-" 'Lulamoon' cut her off with a wave of her glass. "Yes, yes, fine. It'll have to do." When she had it mixed, Hop Burst retreated from the two mares to climb up on the bar. "Alright, everypony who wants to participate in tonight's Trivia Showdown Extravaganza, listen up! You should already be paired up with a partner by now, if you're not you have one minute to find one or you're playing by yourself!" Berry Punch felt a little bit of satisfaction as she watched Thunderlane out of the corner of her eye. Who was the lonely pony now? Thunderflanks, that's who! "Okay! Everypony who is playing is going to need to give me one bit to help pay off the prize. Once we have all the money, I'll start passing out the quiz sheets!" "Money?" 'Lula' hissed. "You didnt say anything about money." "It's just one bit, hold your hominids! I got us covered here." Berry Punch put two bits on the bar and slid them just out of her reach, where Hop Burst could collect them later. "So how does this work?" 'Lula' asked. "Are we working together or competing?" "Uhhh, working together," Burst said. "That's pretty much the central principle behind team-based games, right? She's gonna give us a quiz sheet in a minute and then we have like five minutes to fill out as many answers as we can in the time. I can write it all down. Correct answers are worth 2 points, incorrect answers are worth a negative point, and no answer at all is worth no points!" "What kinds of questions are they? Academic questions, or general knowledge, or...?" "Oh, all kindsa stuff," Burst said. "It's different from week to week. History, science, math, sports, you know, whatever." "Math?" 'Lulamoon' paled a little. "And sports? I don't know about-" Hop Burst slammed the face-down quiz paper on the bar in front of Berry Punch and 'Lulamoon', startling them. She smirked a little bit at that, and then gave the last piece of paper to Thunderlane. "Okay everypony! Turn over your paper in one... two... three!" There was a scramble of sound as all the competing ponies flipped the page over and started reading, in quiet but urgent tones, the first questions. "Okay, question one, geography. What's the capital of Papau New Whinny?" "Port Horseby," 'Lula' said. "Really? Where's New Whinny, I've never even-" "Dont waste time, write it down! Next question!" "Uh, okay. What's the process by which plants turn sunlight into food?" 'Lula' frowned. "Ugh. Put down photosynthesis, but it's a trick question. Plants only do that in magic-null zones like the Everfree Forest, and only because-" "Next question! What's the square root of 289?" "Umm..." 'Lula' started scratching on a napkin with her pencil." "17," Berry Punch smirked, marking the answer down while Lula was still doing the math. "Okay, in theater, what does the best boy do?" "Suck the gaffer's dick," 'Lula' said, sipping her old-fashioned. "Uhh..." "Dont put that down. The best boy puts up the lights. Next question!" "Okay. What is the chief export of Appleloosa?" Berry Punch rubbed her head. "That's gotta be a trick question, right? I mean... Apples are in the name..." 'Lula' shrugged. "I'd assume its apples. I don't know. I havent been to Appleloosa yet." "What, and you've been to Papau New Whinny?" "Yes!" she snapped. She paused for a moment and then her expression softened. "Okay, no, I've been to Hosstralia, I'm not even sure why I lied about that." "Is that... is that near New Whinny?" 'Lulamoon' facehoofed. "Do you know ANYTHING about geography?" "Well..." "Just put down apples. Next question!" "Okay, okay. Uh oh. What was the final score in the '02 Supertrough between the Bisons and the Bolts? Can we just-" "Mmyes, skip it." "Kay." Berry Punch cast her eyes down the page. "I'm just gonna preemptively skip any of the sports questions. Oh, here we go! What was the first studio-album by z-rock duo The Black Stripes?" The unicorn looked blank. "Should I have heard of them?" "What?" BP's mouth dropped and she wrinkled her snout in mild disdain. "What." "I don't listen to much music! If you know it, write down the answer and lets move on!" "I don't even-" BP looked baffled. "Who doesn't listen to music?" "I don't listen to music." "What do you do to relax?" "I drink! Alone!" the unicorn hissed. "And generally, when I drink alone? I prefer to be by myself." "Well now I know you listen to music, because I love George Thurbred," Berry Punch said. "Oh, nevermind. It's a gimme question, their first studio album was self-titled. I'll try not to give you a hard time. D'you want a geography question?" "God yes," 'Lula' said, closing her eyes. "Let's do all the geography while I'm still sober. The only thing I cant find on a map is this godforsaken town." "Well, you aren't sober, but okay. Highest peak in the Macintosh Hills, first major pegasus city in Equestria, first pony to map Galloping Gorge-" "Slow down! The first major pegasus city was Cloudsdale. Galloping Gorge was first navigated by Compass Rose. And the highest peak in Macintosh Hills is Smoky Dome." Berry Punch shook her head. "What are you, an alcoholic geography teacher?" "Neither. I just do a lot of traveling. And sometimes I read an atlas for fun. What's next?" "How many words end with 'mt'?" Punch looked up. "I wonder if acronyms count?" "I doubt acronyms count." "What about 'empty'?" "Dont get cute," 'Lula' said, rolling her eyes. "Just put down 'one'. They didn't ask us to name the word." "Done and done. What is the sum of the angles of a triangle? Celestia, talk about a baby question." 'Lula' frowned. "But what kind of triangle?" Punch blinked. "...No, it doesnt matter what kind of triangle, Lula. The angles always add up to 180 degrees." "Really? Even for really big triangles?" Punch studied her face to see if she was joking. There was only a blank expression. "...How about I do the math questions without even reading them out loud, okay?" 'Lula' frowned and waved her old fashioned in a gesture of 'whatever'. "Sure." "Next... what is the airborn velocity of an unladen racing pigeon?" "Is it a Giraffrican or Stirrupean pigeon?" "I think you're thinking of a different bird," Berry Punch said. "I think racing pigeons are domesticated in Equestria." "Hrm. Just put down whatever, then." "One hundred... and ten..." Punch said as she scribbled on the paper. "What is the term for a group of unicorns... there's a word for that?" "A group of unicorns is a blessing," 'Lula' said. "That's just common knowledge." "A blessing? Does being born with a horn automatically make you pretentious, or are there indoctrination ceremonies?" "Ceremonies, and that's all I can say. Next question?" "Mm, it's a math question. Next after that... who was the first pony on the moon? Uh... is it 'too soon' to say Princess Luna?" "Princess Luna wasn't the first pony banished to the moon, just the first pony Celestia banished to the moon." "There are other ponies that can banish people to the moon?!" Punch shook her head. "Shit, like one isnt scary enough!" "Well obviously not anymore. If there were, they'd be challenging Celestia, wouldn't they? Put down 'Nightmare Moon'. That should cover all bases, so long as she's considered a pony." "Isn't that the same thing as Princess Luna?" Punch said. "Whatever, dont care, next question. To the n-" "Five minutes!" called Hop Burst. "Shit, already?! Um, to the nearest hundred thousand, how many species of beetles exist in the known world?" "There are more than a hundred thousand species of beetles?!" 'Lula' said incredulously. "Can we guess one? One hundred thousand?" "They wouldn't ask if it was one! They never ask unless it's really high or really low, and one hundred thousand isn't really low! That's how bar trivia goes!" "Put down whatever, we're getting off-track! Next question!" "What is the speed of light in a vacuum?" Punch asked. "Shit, I know this, it's just... I dont remember the whole thing. I know it starts with 299 million meters per second..." 'Lula' shrugged. "That'll have to be good enough." "Ugh. I'll just say 'approximately'. Bursty will let it slide. Uh, math question, music question, sports question, here we go: what was the first musical created by both Rogers and Hammersteed?" "Okllamahoma!," 'Lula' said solemnly. "Never before, and never since, has the llama audience had it so good." "What is the differ-" "Time!" Hop Burst shouted, slamming her hoof into the floor. "Pencils down, everypony! The quiz portion is now complete!" There was a collective sigh as the bar dropped their pencils. "That was rough," 'Lula' said. "How many did we have to skip?" Punch scanned the page. "Four. Three sports questions, and the last one. That's not... a total flop. ...but I also have no idea if we got the beetle one right Or the pigeon one." "One hundred thousand beetles." 'Lulamoon' shuddered. "That's too many damn beetles." "I put down three hundred thousand." Punch was sliding her drink back and forth across the bar from one hoof to another, tracing and retracing the same path of condensation and at least one spill. She stopped and polished off what was left, pushing it and 'Lula's glasses away from them. "It sounded like a lot. Next round on me?" "Berry," 'Lula' said. "Stop offering me drinks. It's silly. We each have a tab open and when we win we'll get both our tabs absolved, so it's completely irrelevant which of us puts which drink on whose tab." PUnch turned to look her in the eyes. "So you did remember my name." She smiled a little at that. "I'm good at remembering names." "If it's completely irrelevant which of buys which drinks, wouldn't it make the most sense for us to buy each other's drinks?" The unicorn's expression was patient but unimpressed as she waited to see where, if anywhere, Berry Punch was going with this. "Elaborate?" "Have you never had someone buy you a drink before?" she asked. "I don't go to many bars, generally. I... don't like to be very public." "Well," she said. "When you drink alone at a bar, if you drink alone, you leave yourself open to intruders. The solo drinker is an open invitation to other drinkers that someone should buy them drinks. And then when you accept, the person takes that as a prompt that they can come over and talk to you." "Like you did?" "Well, that wasn't... okay, yeah, but I sat down before I offered to buy you a drink, so we're already past that stage. By having somepony buy you your drinks, you send a signal to the other single ponies not to move in." "Signal how, exactly? Who's going to hear my drink order? Is this supposed to keep the bartender from hitting on me?" "It wouldn't help anyway," Hop Burst said. The two other ponies jumped. "I dont let stuff like that hold me back." "Dont just appear behind people like that," Punch said. "Could give somepony a heart attack." "I didn't appear. You were distracted. Do you have a quiz for me?" Berry Punch held out the piece of paper. "Oh, and another old-fashioned for the lady." "On my own tab," 'Lula' said. "But secretly on my tab," Punch mock-whispered. "My own tab," 'Lula' said firmly. "And... a rum and cola for the lady." Hop Burst raised an eyebrow. "Punch, you're having a drink right before the Cocktail Round?" "The what now?" "Cocktail Round," Punch said. "And no, captain, belay that order. I'm saving room." "Saving room? Cocktail Round?" 'Lulamoon' looked back and forth between the bartender and the lush. "There's a drinking portion? Then why is everyone else drinking? Should I not?" "Everyone is drinking because only Berry Punch ever competes in the Cocktail Round," Hop Burst said, winking at Punch. "Huh?" "I'll let her explain it to you. I gotta get set up." "Try to challenge me a little," Punch said with a smirk. "I haven't been studying for nothing." 'Lulamoon' watched as Burst hovered over to the other side of the bar, talking to Punch but without keeping up eye contact. "Why would they have a round of the game where no one competes but you?" "Because no one has ever won it but me," Punch said. "Basically, she makes a drink behind the counter and with one smell, one sip, and one shot, I have to identify the cocktail. If I dont know the name I can identify its ingredients by part, but either way I have to successfully name three in a row in order to get the bonus points. If I miss one, the round is over and we move on. Other ponies used to, y'know, go up against me, but nopony could beat my streak. Now nopony tries." The unicorn was stunned to silence. "Nopony has beaten you? Ever? How long have you been playing?" Punch shrugged. "Few years, every wednesday. Three times per game." "So that's... three times..." "It's around four hundred or so consecutively identified cocktails," she said. "I know. It's a lot of drinks. I'm a local personality because of it. And I'm not going to lose tonight." 'Lula' shook her head, apparently impressed. "But what about me?" "What about you?" "I'm on your team! Shouldn't I play too?" Punch shook her head. "The round only still exists as part of the game because sometimes ponies come to watch me play. It's not supposed to be competitive, the points are just an incentive for me to keep doing it." "Y'ready Punch?" Burst called. "Ready," she said with a smirk, dropping from her stool and walking to the table set up for the game. A few of the mules in the crowd had started to gather around to watch the performance. Bottles of all shapes and sizes were arranged across the other side of the table, easily a hundred varieties. Hop Burst emerged from behind the bar with the first drink, a shotglass of black liquid, slightly coffee-colored around the rim. 'Lulamoon' moved around the edges of the crowd, watching Berry Punch as she sniffed the mysterious shot. The bar had hushed to an almost reverent silence. Most of the patrons hadn't gotten up, but everyone was watching. Punch took a sip. "Mmm. Hmm. Anise. Astringency. Ethanol. Beer... Carbonation? Maybe..." Hop Burst's expression was a perfect poker face. Berry Punch looked right into her eyes anyway as she considered the palate. "Oak... Ahh. Now I have you." She deftly pounded the shot back and slammed the shotglass back on the table, exhaling with obvious relish. The crowd leaned in. "A shot of jagermeister and a shot of jameson dropped into a pint of Harness Stout, shaken, and then poured into a shotglass." Hop Burst's ear twitched. "And it's called Double Wagon Bomb." The bartender grinned ruefully. "Correct." The ponies refrained from clapping their hooves on the floor, since it would likely shake the liquor off the table, but there were a lot of cheers and whistles. Punch waved them away with a drunken smile. "On to the next?" Hop Burst nodded and went to to grab the next shot. It was grapefruit pink. Berry Punch smelled it thoughtfully. "Whew! Tequila." "And?" Burst said, smiling. "And..." She tasted it. "Ooo. One part strawberry juice, one part pink lemonade." She took the shot. "...Two parts tequila. Strained through ice. A Pink Chihuahua." Hop Burst nodded with a smile. "Good job. One more to go." She returned to behind the bar. She emerged with another shot, this one a solid, bright green. She set it in front of Berry Punch, who gave it a good-naturedly disdainful look. "You're going for Midori right off the bat? You don't think I'd recognize one of your favorite cordials by color?" "Lots of things are green, Punch," Burst said. "Maybe I knew you knew I like Midori, and I went green to mislead you?" "Cant bullshit a bullshitter," Punch said, sniffing the shot. "I know what I see and I know what I smell. Mi-do-ri." She took a sip. "Mm. Eeyup. Gonna say... two parts midori, one part sour, one part coconut vodka, one part... pineapple soda." "Aren't you going to take a shot before you guess?" Berry Punch shrugged. She drank the shot and returned it to the table. "I don't know what it's called. But that's what it is." Hop Burst watched her quietly. "I call it a Calypso Melon. Good guess." "Tha- "But you missed one ingredient." The bar was silent, frozen. Berry Punch's mouth hung open. "There was also a splash of sour apple schnappes." Punch slumped down in her chair, looking physically wounded. She shook her head. "O-oh. I, um. I guess. That's it, then." The regulars in the crowd looked on with pity. The mighty Berry Punch had fallen. "I'm sorry," Hop Burst said. "The Cocktail Round ends with no-" "Wait!" a voice called from the back of the crowd. Ponies and mules spun around to see the speaker. The unicorn had tossed off the hooded jacket she'd been wearing. Underneath it was a resplendent, purple cloak. It almost seemed to blow in the nonexistent breeze as she stared the crowd down. "This round cannot end until both partners have had a chance to play! The Great and Powerful Trixie demands her turn!" The crowd now buzzed with whispers as the showpony approached the table. The other spectators parted in front of her. There could be no doubt- a lot of the ponies here, at least, recognized Trixie. And while they were staying out of her way, they didn't look especially happy to see her either. "Um," Hop Burst said. "The round has already ended." "Has it? Is this not a fair game, where any participant has a chance of winning? Or is this just a public spectacle to bring in customers?" Trixie put her hoof on the table smugly. "A team PLAYS as a team. She answered the first two cocktails. I will guess the last. Or do you not think you can stump me?" "I think that if I'm going to let you play as Punch's do-over, with just one drink to go, we're going to need to raise the stakes." Hop Burst watched her carefully. "Alright. If you win, your team gets your points and we all continue on to the next round. But..." Burst leaned over across the table. "If I win? If you cant guess the cocktail I mix? At the end of the night, regardless of the outcome of the contest... you pay off MY tab. Of whatever I decide to drink." "Trixie," Punch said. "Don't do it. I'm sorry, but you dont sta-" "The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie accepts your terms," she cried dramatically. "Mix your drink, and see if my elegant palate cant bring our team to victory!" "You asked for it," the bartender said coldly. She returned within seconds, bring a dark amber shot. She put it in front of the blue unicorn, who was now standing next to Berry Punch at the table. Trixie raised the shot with exaggerated flourish and took a long sniff. "Hmm! Oh, hmm indeed. What a complex bouquet! These aromas are so... uh, so diverse!" Hop Burst rolled her eyes, but Trixie either didn't notice or didn't show it. She took the smallest, most delicate of sips, just barely allowing the liquor to grace her lips. A look of serene concentration passed over the unicorn's face. "This flavor... There's... could it be vodka? And, yes, juniper berries... gin. Maybe the lightests splash of cola... Hmm..." She kicked back the shot and set the glass down suddenly, coughing for a moment. She exhaled forcefully. "My. That sure was strong. Miss Bartender, I believe I am prepared to unveil my answer!" "I'm on the edge of my seat," Hop Burst said dryly. "I'm afraid I dont know the name. But one part tequila, one part rum, one part vodka, one part gin, one part triple sec, cola, and sweet and sour mix. Am I correct?" "A Long-Faced Iced Tea?" Berry Punch said, disbelieving. "You dont know what a Long-Faced Iced Tea is, but you can pick out the ingredients?" "Well, Bartender?" Trixie said, not looking at Punch. "Have I guessed correctly?" The bar waited with baited breath for ten seconds, before Hop Burst smirked. "...Yeah. You got it." The crowd burst into cheers and applause, even from the competing teams that had just found themselves at a huge point disadvantage. Berry Punch flushed with relief, but she was quiet. A few of the ponies started to help Hop Burst return the bottles back to behind the bar, and the crowd dispersed away from the table. "First of all," Berry Punch said as they broke away from the crowd and returned to their place at the bar, "I knew who you were all along." "What, all along?" Trixie frowned. "Have we met?" "I was in the crowd the first time you came to Ponyville," Punch said. She paused and then added, awkwardly, "and that bear bit my house." "Oh," Trixie said, drooping a little. "...In my defense, I didn't bring that bear to town. It was two silly colts that didnt understand the concept of a magic show." She wrinkled her nose. "Really, this whole town doesn't seem to understand magic shows." "Second," Berry Punch said, "how did you do that? Had you really never had a Long-Faced Iced Tea?" "I have, actually," Trixie said. "Back when I was pledging with Kappa Kappa Gallup in Canterlot Academy. But I never would've recognized the taste. I didn't even know that was what was in it. Really, no iced tea?" Punch facehooved. "Okay, so how did you figure it out?" "A magician shouldn't reveal her tricks," Trixie said. "But between you and me? I was watching the bartender when she mixed it. The stallion at the end of the bar ordered a drink right before the competition started and I watched her mix that drink, and the three others you tried, all in advance. And I saw her forget that fourth drink and leave it there. I suppose it didn't occur to her to think about anyone but you watching, so she didn't notice me watching her." Trixie shrugged. "I can be a very discrete cheater." "You wily bitch," Punch said in a tone of awed respect. "How'd you know she wouldn't mix something new?" "I guessed. I knew she had a complicated drink ready behind the bar, and I knew she'd want to put me in my place. And now we're winning, so it was worth the risk." "Well... thanks," Punch said. "I still feel shaken. That splash of Sour Apple Schnappes was a low blow. I couldn't taste it at all." Trixie shrugged. "Nopony's perfect." She sipped her old-fashioned, which she'd abandoned just after the start of the Cocktail Round, and her face broke into a wild, fake grin. "Nopony besides the Great and Powerful Trixie, that is!" "Good work girls," Hop Burst said, moving within range again. "I have to admit, I was impressed." "It was beneath our abilities," Trixie smirked. "Sorry about your streak, Beeps. D'you need a fresh drink?" Berry Punch grimaced. "I dunno, I'm feeling pretty fresh already. I cant remember how much I've had." "Then get one to nurse," Trixie said. "Put it on my tab, Miss Burst. Rum and cola?" "No, make me that Calypso Melon again," Punch said. "But sure, put it on her tab." The bartender prepared her the green cocktail and moved on. After that break and all the drama, a lot of the patrons were ready for a fresh drink of their own. The contest would have to wait- business came first. "I have to ask," Punch said. "What *are* you doing in Ponyville? I mean, no offense, but you dont seem very fond of the place." "None taken, I'm not," she said. "I was on tour. I had... difficulties with my assistant, on the way out of Baltimare." She grimaced. "I dont want to get into it all, but let's just say that I dont have a wagon anymore." "Baltimare?" Punch nodded. "That's... is that close?" "Seriously? Look at a map sometime. It's about two days east of here, as the pegasus flies. It took me a lot longer." "What, did you walk the whole way?" "Oh, no. I only walked from Rambling Rock Ridge. But it's been a rough trip. I'm kind of hoping to catch a train out of here to Los Pegasus." She sighed. "Well, that was my plan. But between you and me, before you told me about this contest I was all set to drink my ticket. It's been a hell of a day." "Los Pegasus," Punch said wistfully. "I've always wanted to go." "Why dont you? I'm sure Ponyville is better than it seems but you have to admit that it isn't the whole world. You could go anywhere." "No," Punch said. "I couldn't. Work. Realities. And... besides. If I was away that long, I'd miss Wednesday." "Do different work. Live in a different reality. Despite what happened in that last round, you truly have a gift for identifying drinks. You could be a head bartender in a ritzy Los Pegasus casino. Hell, you could even do what you do here, there. Make it a stage act, sub-headlining under another performer." Trixie tilted her head in thought. "You could sign with my agent, Punch. Do a side act. Stump the Drunk." "I'm not a circus act," Punch said. "I'm a social drinker. And anyway, drinking isnt my dream. It's just... my super-special talent. That has nothing to do with why I would go to Los Pegasus. I- ...Trixie?" The blue unicorn had turned downright pale. With wide eyes, she shifted in her chair so Berry Punch was blocking her and retreated under her hooded jacket like a turtle under a shell. Her gaze was fixed on another pony, a stallion ordering at the bar just a few seats away from them. Punch rubbed her head with her hoof. "Trixie, what are-" "If you're going to say my name, say it quietly," Trixie hissed. "Just keep facing me and talking and I'll try to act normal." "What are you freaking out about? Because I said your name? You shouted it to the whole-" "Not the whole bar," Trixie said. "Not that pony over there, because he just walked in. No, dont turn! Just look." Berry Punch did look, just out of the corner of her eye. There wasn't much to see. The stallion that had Trixie so panicked was colored white and speckled chestnut. His light blond mane hung down over his eyes and his fetlocks were unshorn. His cutie mark was a cigarette lighter with a treble clef on it. He gave the impression of having been through a long, messy day and not yet having had a chance to sleep or bathe. "Okay, I see him. Who is he?" "That's Roadie Roan," Trixie said. "I'd rather he didn't know I was here, okay? I don't even know how *he* got here, I thought that manticore..." "Manticore?" Punch set her drink down. "Hey, what?" "He's... the one who took my wagon." "The manticore or the pony?" "The pony! Oh, let's not get into that right now, okay? Let's just keep a low profile from now on." "Low profile my flank!" Punch said. "If that guy took your wagon you should take it back!" "I doubt it's in any condition to use," Trixie said dryly. "If we're lucky he'll just leave." But Roadie Roan didn't look like he intended to just leave. He had ordered a pint of Crab Red, and was now sitting at a table next to Thunderlane. The two were talking enthusiastically about something. Thankfully, he was sitting facing away from Punch and Trixie. "What's the next round? Another quiz?" "Um, there's two more rounds. Puzzle round is next." "Puzzle round..." Trixie closed her eyes and shook her head. "I think I'm too drunk for critical thinking." Punch grinned. "I can totally solo the puzzle round. I usually bomb the quiz and the category rounds and ace the cocktail and puzzle rounds. We're definitely going to win." "Roadie Roan is pretty good at puzzles, too," Trixie said gloomily. "Who's that stallion with him? The black pegasus with the mohawk?" "That slice of beefcake is Thunderlane," Punch said. "He's my partner, sometimes." "He seems to be making pretty good friends with my scumbag ex-assistant," Trixie said. She cocked her head then looked back at Berry Punch. "'Partner'?" "Trivia night partner," Punch clarified. "No more than that. FML." Trixie shrugged. Hop Burst seemed to have gotten the drink orders under control and was now passing out the puzzle handouts. "Is he very... gossipy? Do you think the fact that I'm here would come up in conversation?" "Don't think so," Punch said. "He moved to Ponyville from Cloudsdale a little while ago, pretty sure it was after your show. He'd have no idea who you are, other than some loud chick that is hanging out with me." "I'm not loud!" Trixie snapped. "Well. So long as the game doesn't get any more... public than the cocktail round was, we should be fine. I think he's going to play." "What, Thunderlane? He's been playing." "No, not Thunderlane, Roadie Roan!" This time she was just a little too loud. Roadie Roan looked up and turned halfway in his chair, leaving Trixie just barely beyond his peripheral vision. After a few seconds he shrugged, and turned back to his new trivia partner. Berry Punch and Trixie were both frozen in their chairs when Hop Burst dropped off their puzzle sheet. "Hey girls. Not too drunk yet, are you?" "I am definitely too drunk and you should stage an intervention immediately," Punch said, relaxing. "I forget that you drink faster when you're keeping pace with someone." "Dont blame me," Trixie said. "You are the maker of your own torment." "Have fun with the puzzles, Punch. I think you might have this one in the bag!" the bartender retreated once again from the pair. "Hmm," Punch said. She had her pencil in her mouth and was already jotting down answers. "Guess that means we did good on the quiz portion." "I guess," Trixie said. "I'm going to head over to the ladies room. You've got this, right?" "I have so got this," Punch said, not taking her eyes off the page. "Go be a lady." Trixie nodded and shifted off the stool, quickly moving behind the wall divider to stay out of Roadie Roan's eyesight. She trotted towards the restroom... and then past it, to an emergency exit. Runes above the exit glowed as she approached, but with a muttered incantation they faded to dormancy. Trixie had never been particularly great or powerful when it came to the High Sorcerous Arts, but she had her bag of tricks. Indectability was the first she'd learned. It was already pretty dark outside. Trixie stuck a stick in the hinge to hold the door open as she stepped out into the cool air. The wagon parking area was packed tonight. It didn't take her long to find her wagon. It was barely recognizable. The manticore had ripped the fabric roof to shreds- that was all gone now. She shrugged. So long as it didn't rain... she could just think of it as a convertible. The back wheels had been splinters when she'd seen the wagon last. Now they had been replaced altogether with new wheels, slightly too big for the frame. When it came to getting a vehicle back up and running, Roadie Roan was a master. Trixie climbed up the stairs on the back. The interior reeked of bongwater, strong enough to make Trixie gag. It had probably spilled when the manticore jumped on the back. So much for riding in this thing. She rummaged through the contents of the wagon until she found her own saddlebag, and gathered up her belongings. RR had tossed some of it out, or it'd been lost in the crash. She'd just have to make do. After a half minute's hesitation, she searched the rest of the wagon and found his stash. She could only eyeball it at the moment, but it looked like a little under a quarter of an ounce of merryleaf. Well, well. It was hers, now. Trixie sat down in the back of the wagon, taking a moment to think. The wagon was in pretty bad condition still. It was amazing that Roadie Roan had made it all the way to Ponyville like this. If she gave him time to find a bodyshop, he'd probably have it back to working condition in the morning. She could steal it back now, but she doubted she'd last long on the road in this thing. Besides, the smell was awful. She sighed. She was going to miss this wagon. But she simply could not allow Roadie Roan to beat her to Los Pegasus. She sprang from the back of the wagon and scanned the ground for a hefty rock. Upon finding one, she lifted it with her horn. The rock hovered lazily over towards the wagon, like a gigantic, slightly-sedated bumblebee. Trixie narrowed her eyes and swung the rock through the air, directing its force into the right rear wheel.It took a few hits before she was confident that the wheel was busted beyond repair. Smirking with satisfaction, she moved on to the next. Once her once-treasured wagon was out of order, Trixie scanned the parking area for a new vehicle. She could leave now and be in her agent's office by tomorrow afternoon. But... her face fell as she follower that path of logic to its inevitable conclusion. She had already announced her presence to the rest of the bar. Roadie Roan wasn't going to talk to the guards, not if he knew what was good for him, but the rest of the bar? Especially the bartender? Yes. If she stole a wagon she'd be back on the run, officially. They'll probably be finishing with the puzzle round pretty soon, she thought. She looked wistfully at the road. She already was down to her last bits. Even if she paid off her tab- and after the last few rounds, she wasn't sure she could without the contest- Roadie Roan would know she'd been here. There wasn't a caravan here or anywhere he couldn't follow. If she was going to get back to her stage, she was going to have to jump through some hoops. Tucking her saddlebags under her robes so they just looked like a suspicious bulge, Trixie snuck back in through the emergency exit. "Hey," Punch greeted her as she returned to her stool. "Was starting to think you'd fallen in! Already turned in the puzzle sheet." "Excellent," Trixie said, but she was obviously still distracted. She sipped her neglected old fashioned. "Punch, do you have a wagon?" BP raised an eyebrow. "Used to, but I kept finding myself falling off it." "So... you sold it?" "No, I..." BP squinted and massaged her head with her hoof. "No, I was making a joke about my crippling alcoholism." "Oh." "Let's pretend I didn't say crippling," Punch said. "Um. Yeah. I have a wheeled cart, for selling vegetables. But it's not like... you cant ride on it. Is that what you were thinking? Midnight wagon ride?" "Midnight wagon ride," Trixie mused. "Yessss." "Right, but more like no, because I just said-" "Where there's a will," Trixie insisted, "there's a way. Midnight wagon ride. Bet on it." Punch shrugged. "Shoot, okay. Midnight wagon ride." "Midnight wagon ride!" Trixie cried triumphantly. "Ooo, yesss. Punch, you are one hell of a friend." "I am?" BP said, blinking. A slow, wide grin crossed her face. "Hey yeah! I am a helluva friend! A good, social friend!" The clock on the wall said 9:40, so they still had a while to go before a Midnight Wagon Ride could become a reality. Most of the bar was wrapping up their puzzles. A few tables over, Roadie Roan and Thunderlane seemed to be getting on like gangbusters. Thunderlane, in particular, seemed like he was having a great time. Trixie couldn't help but sneak a look at them twice a minute, and Punch followed her gaze. "They seem like they're... getting along pretty well," Punch said in a grudging tone. "Really well, I'd say." "Hrm," Trixie said. "The pegasus, you said he's sometimes your partner, right? Is he... I mean, do you think he..." Punch raised an eyebrow, and went to take a drink, only to find that she had already emptied it, a while ago. Hop Burst was crazy busy tonight. "Thunderlane? Do I think he what? Has a chance of beating us?" "What? No." Trixie hadn't been thinking about the contest at all. "I mean, you dont think they have a chance, right? I'd bet RR is great at puzzles, but... we won the cocktail contest, our victory is in the bag, right?" "Yeah, but I always bomb categories," Punch said gloomily. "Because it's always last and I'm always too drunk by that point." "...Are you too drunk? You seem fine." "Trixy-pix," Punch said with a look of absolute seriousness. "If I get out of this stool I'm going to fall down. Trufax." "Oh. Maybe we should cool it on the next few rounds." "Maaaybe," Punch said. "But that wasn't what I meant," Trixie said. "Has Thunderlane ever flirted with you? Showed signs of interest?" "Whaaa?" Punch shook her head wildly, to clear out the cobwebs, then winced in pain. "Flirtered with me? Shit, I dunno. We have a thing, I guess? I mean, I would nevera called it FLIRTING, like, for REAL, but we have a dynamic, and yeah, I guess there's a little bit of, y'know, sexual tension. It's not like a-" "Okay," Trixie said, cutting her off. "I don't need all that. It's just, I thought maybe I was reading some signals." "From me?" Punch said. "I mean he's hot, shit-" "No, not from you." "From him? To me? To *you*?" she blinked. "What did he do?" "No, I..." Trixie sighed. "It has nothing to with either of us and he didnt do anything, it's just... he's been blushing and... I think he's flirting with Roadie Roan." "You think he's..." the sentence died in BP's throat as she slowly turned her head to watch the two stallions. After a few minutes she turned back, with a look that would've looked right at home in a graveyard. "Dammit Trixie you are the worst friend ever." "I'm probably just reading too far into things!" Trixie said hastily. "I've never exchanged word one with the guy. It's just... I've worked in theater for a while, and..." "Yeah," BP said into her hooves. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get Burst's attention. I want a whiskey and... whiskey. On the rocks with frozen whiskey." "I thought we were skipping the next few rounds." "I changed my mind," BP growled. "Hey everypony, just reminding you that if you haven't finished your puzzles yet, the category round is going to start in five minutes!" Hop Burst announced to the bar. "So if pencils arent down by then, we're moving on." "Buuuuuuurst!" Punch hissed loudly across the bar. "BOOZE ME." "And I also thought we weren't going to attract attention to ourselves," Trixie said through clenched teeth, her eyes darting across the bar. "Right?" Hop Burst finished with the customer she'd been dealing with and hovered over to the two. "How're my best customers doing? Punch, youre finally ready for another drink? I th-" "BOOZE ME," Punch growled at her. "No talkie." Burst raised her eyebrows and put her hooves up in a 'looks like we're dealing with a badass' gesture. "Alright, alright. Sheesh girl. Who shat in your shredded oats?" "TRIXIE," Punch said. "Trixie shat in my shredded oats." "Punch, I was just making an observation! I'm sure you know him better than I do, okay?" Trixie was starting to feel like she'd actually fucked up. It was hard to tell- the past two hours were the longest she'd had a friend, or even a friendly acquaintance, in ages. She was out of practice with this. "I am sure I do not want to know what this is about," Burst said. "Punch I am going to sell you this drink but only under the explicit conditions that you promise to not puke on my bar tonight." "Stick a cupcake in my eye," Punch said, teeth clenched. "Fucking booze me already." "Bartenderess," Trixie said hesitantly. "The, uh, chestnut earth pony stallion with the dark pegasus, how are they, uh..." she didn't know how to finish the question, and she wasn't sure she wanted to. She glanced over at Berry Punch, out of the corner of her eye, to see how she was reacting. Punch was staring straight ahead, eyes locked on the glass Hop Burst was filling with amber liquid. Hop Burst finished mixing Punch's whiskey sour and passed it over to the pink earth pony, who promptly drank almost a half the glass in one chug. She set the glass back down and exhaled with force. "Squse me," she said in a low tone. "Gotta... fillys room." She shifted in her stool and Trixie and Burst could only watch in horror as it tipped over, sending Berry Punch plummeting towards the floor. Trixie grabbed the stool legs with her telekinesis and attempted to right it, but Punch was already gone. She hit the floor and groaned in pain. A few nearby patrons turned to watch the spectacle. Trixie sprang to help Berry Punch to her feet. Punch wasnt much help herself- moments before she'd been sober enough to banter, but either the whiskey or the fall (or perhaps the realization that she'd been chasing a coltcuddler for Celestia-knows-how-long) had sent her beyond the Fun Drunk Threshhold. Finally Trixie managed to help Punch up enough to carry her to the restroom. Hop Burst watched the two of them go with concern, then set Punch's drink underneath the counter and returned to the many thirsty customers. By the time they'd reached the hallway with the restrooms, Punch had regained the ability to stand and walk on her own. BP walked into the restroom on her own, as Trixie stood by awkwardly. She wanted to be a friend, but she really didn't want to watch Berry Punch vomiting. She made a halfhearted move as if to follow her, but BP responded with a hoof on her shoulder. She opened her eyes wide, subjecting Trixie to a bit more eye contact than she was comfortable with. "Triiixie." "Um," Trixie said. The hoof on her shoulder kind of hurt. Earth ponies were strong. "Trixie. Go. Win... the categories. I'll be... back. Gotta take care of business." "The contest doesn't matter," Trixie said in a tone of voice she hoped sounded reassuring and soothing and... friendly. "What's important is... uh... that you feel okay?" "I dont have enough bits to pay our tabs," Berry Punch said. "D'you?" Trixie winced. "...No, I was planning on running." "Go. Win. I'll be fine. Not gonna throw up. Super... super special talent. Just gotta. Get my head on right. Win for us. Crush... that stupid roadie. Trixie. Trixie." "BP, you're... you're hurting my shoulder." Punch released her from her kung-fu-hoof-grip and almost fell down again, right onto Trixie. Trixie watched with awkward helplessness as the inebriated earth pony sank halfway to the floor, now clinging to her neck with both hooves. She hissed each word slowly. "Minnight... Wagon... Ride." With that, Punch let go of Trixie and pushed her back a little, stumbling her way into the restroom. Trixie was left in the hallway alone. She looked from the door, back down the hallway in the direction of the bar. "Midnight wagon ride," Trixie said with renewed determination. She walked down the hallway, around the divider, and back to her stool. But it was no longer vacant. "Well, well, well," the stallion said, resting his hooves on the bar. "If it isnt the Great and Powerful Trixie." "Roadie Roan." Trixie narrowed her eyes. There wasn't much point in pretending they didn't recognize each other. He smirked. "Here in Ponyville. You have some nerve. You know we never do repeat shows. How do you know I havent already put out an alert for you with the guards?" "You haven't got the stones," Trixie said coolly. "And anyway, I the Eternal Optimist didnt think you'd survive the fall. How's the wagon?" "The wagon's better than the day you bought it," he retorted, and Trixie had to fight to maintain her pokerface. Clearly, he hadnt been outside in the last hour. "You forget who you've been traveling with, Trixie. I'm not just some guy who follows you around. I'm the King of the Roadies. I'm the best. And you?" he shook his head. "You're just a mare who always seems to piss everyone off right before you would be getting paid. We had a deal- I would ensure your safety in travel and make sure you got paid what you were due." "And you only took 50% of the ticket money!" Trixie cried angrily. "That's highway robbery and you know it!" "WRONG. It's Highway extortion. You know there'd be no income without me. They aren't paying YOU to dazzle them, Trixie. They're paying ME to make sure you dont come back! And we get paid TWICE when I rob the stupid ponies houses while you have them distracted in the first place! So I guess it IS highway robbery, huh? What about this arrangement had you confused?" "I guess maybe the central principle where the two of us are pretending to have honor amongst thieves?" Trixie said. There was an anger building deep within her, stronger than any she'd ever felt. She covered it with her default expression: a smirk. It was getting harder to maintain, though. "Obviously one of us was going to take the bits and run eventually. Why would it wait for it to be you?" "Because I was waiting for you to outlast your usefulness as an awful, unlikable distraction!" Roadie Roan scowled. "Just like I assumed you were waiting for me to outlast my usefulness as an amoral thug! That's what friendship is about... mututal postponement of inevitable betrayal!" "You are completely ridiculous," Trixie said. "Well, it breaks my little pony heart to see that we've drifted so far apart as good friends, but I suppose that's how it goes. So, now that we're done with all the pleasantries, where's my fucking money?" "Not here, obviously," Trixie said. "If I had the money, why would I be here? I'd take the first train to Manehattan." "I somehow doubt you would, Trixie. I think you'd be on the skyway to Los Pegasus." "Los Pegasus?" Trixie tilted her head. "That two-bit cloudstop? RR, I simply am not following." "Fine by me. I'd rather you didn't follow me. Turn Trix in this dungheap of a town, for all I care." Roadie Roan looked impossibly smug, even next to Trixie. "I'll have revenge enough when I take every single bit from where I *know* you've been hiding it and catching the first skytrain to Neigh West for my early retirement. I'm going to just live well until you die. It's a zen sort of revenge." "Alright, everypony, pencils down!" Hop Burst announced. "The category round is now finished?" Trixie's mouth hung open. "Finishes?! I- when did it start?!" "About ten minutes ago, when you were helping your drunk marefriend in the bathroom," Roadie Roan grinned. "Whereas the cute stallion at my table has been filling it in for my team while I kept you distracted, ensuring your loss. Hope you have enough bits to pay off your no-doubt obscene bartab!" "But... we had such a lead with the cocktail contest!" Trixie cried. "There's no way... even totally missing a round, surely that would only cancel it out! And we did well on our quiz, and surely the puzzle-" "The puzzle was easy," Roadie Roan said. "And I came in after the quiz round, but Thunderlane is pretty sure he missed four. How'd you guys do?" "Well..." Trixie tried to remember. Berry Punch wandered in behind the two ponies. "We... we lost?" "That's not-" "Yup!" Roadie Roan said, shooting her a cocky gesture with both hooves. "Sucks to be you two!" "We..." Berry Punch's head drooped. "We lost." "Punch, I'm..." Trixie bit her lip. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize-" Berry Punch cut her off with a hug. She didnt seem much less drunk than she had before. "S'okay, Trixie. Y'tried. Y'were... undermined. By a douchebag." "Anyway," Roadie Roan said. "I got a long road ahead of me tomorrow, what with going to take all the money and all that, so I'd better get back to my table. Besides..." he leaned in with a grin. "I think that stallion's into me, eh? Might be getting laid tonight." Berry Punch released Trixie from her hug, then took a step back. Then she turned, stepped in between Trixie and Roadie Roan and raised a hoof over her head. "BEEEERRRRRRY..." Roadie Roan had a moment to realize what was happening. He wasted it blinking. "PAAAAAUUUUUUNCH!" BP screamed with fury as she brought her right hoof down on the grungy earth pony's jaw. Roadie Roan actually spinned, spinned in place, and collapsed legs-out against the bar. He slowly sank to the floor, an unwitting smile frozen on his face. Berry Punch exhaled heavily, awash with rage as she glared down at the unconscious Roadie Roan. Trixie had not moved a muscle, barely even to breathe. The whole bar was looking at them. She wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. Berry Punch turned her head back to look at Trixie, giving her a weak smile. Trixie returned it, unsure. Berry Punch's smile disappeared and she twitched, took a half step back, and vomited, explosively, all over Roadie Roan. Her retching was the only sound in the bar. Trixie scanned the crowd. Everypony was waiting to see what they did next. This was simply not how ponies acted in Ponyville. Hop Burst, in particular, looked furious. Berry Punch coughed and wiped her mouth. "Izzit too early for that midnight wagon ride?" At this point, Trixie did disappear- she invoked an incantation of invisibility, and flashed out of sight. No one saw who threw the first chair. Anyone who had been paying attention might have noticed a blue, magical glow surrounding it, the moment before it made impact... but all eyes were on the awful, unlikable distraction. (Distractions, really.) And no one recognized the deep (but oddly feminine) voice that shouted "FIGHT!" After that, it was just as difficult to keep track of who threw the first (technically second) punch. What is clear, however, was that in the next thirty seconds the bar descended into total fucking chaos. BP had barely enough time to grab her whiskey from behind the bar before Trixie invisibly dragged her away. The sound of brawling mules and ponies and an enraged Hop Burst covered their escape into the dark of night. Trivia night, until further notice, had been canceled.