//------------------------------// // Time to roll out and chew the scenery // Story: Self Invert // by Microshazm //------------------------------// The letter I was holding was probably the most important letter of my life so far, and frankly I doubted if anything could ever top it. This letter from the casting director was my ticket into Hasbro Studios, the place where My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic was recorded and animated. I was extremely excited. You see, there had been an open audition in Equestria Daily for a supporting role in the show, and I'd made it! Oh my gosh! I was going to be the luckiest man to ever call himself a brony. To actually have my voice in the show we all loved! The building didn't look very fancy from the outside, just the Hasbro logo in the sand-coloured wall. I figured they produced other shows in this place as well. The polite janitor slash doorman or something let me in as soon as he saw the letter and even gave me directions to find the casting director. How nice! I took the stairs to the second floor and was knocking on the casting director's door in no time. The casting director was a charming woman in her forties. She had dark brown hair down to her shoulders and wore glasses. ”Eric, was it?” she said and I nodded to her. She gestured me inside the crammed office. ”Alright. You must be pretty excited being here.” This time I felt I needed to express myself with something else than a simple nod. ”Uh, of course I am! Friendship Is Magic is a really good cartoon.” I didn't try to hide my enthusiasm and most likely I couldn't have done that anyway. ”Thank you. It's hard work, and I'm glad you like it. Now before we can get you a tour around the studios” – my grin almost cut my face in two – ”I'd like our producer to meet you first.” I knew it wasn't going to be Lauren Faust herself since she wasn't around anymore, but my excitement wasn't about to fade. The woman continued: ”He's not far. I'm going to fetch him here. Meanwhile feel free to check out some of the random props we keep in this room. Especially the TARDIS interior is really cool.” She stormed out and closed the door. There really was a plethora of random props in the office. Actually the only ”office-like” items were the desk and the two chairs. There were tons of cardboard cutouts and miniature set pieces, and yes, a life size blue TARDIS model. I wasn't a huge fan of Doctor Who, so at the time I didn't find it strange that such a thing was located in some random Hasbro storage. Of course I had to check it out – after all she did mention the interior. I opened the surprisingly heavy door and jumped in. It actually looked bigger from the inside! Not as big as the “real” TARDIS but still at least twice as big. But as soon as I stepped over the threshold, the door shut violently, almost knocking me down. ”Oh my, I accidentally locked the door instead of opening it and letting you out!” said the casting director's voice from outside. ”Fortunately I have the key, so don't worry!” The following three seconds I tried to grasp the situation, but it was cut short as all the lights and the screen in the TARDIS turned on at the same time. ”Silly me! I turned it on! Don't worry about the loud noises and bright lights Eric. That's how a true model is supposed to work.” ”Let me out!” I screamed at the door. The whole thing was shaking, and all the flashing lights were hurting my eyes. I was on my way to a real migraine if I didn't get out right away! ”Oh crap!” she yelled and I almost wet myself. ”It looks like I broke the key! Hold on, I'll get another one.” I couldn't take it anymore so I began to cry. ”Please, hurry! I don't wanna die! I'm too young – I've never even had sex!” There was a brief bout of laughter before she said anything. ”Don't you worry about that, Eric. Where you're going there are plenty of pretty girls to choose from.” The shaking, and rumbling, and flashing were intensifying with every passing second. It was hard to make out the casting director's words. ”Say hi to... ...stia for me! And Ap... ...oom too!” she shouted. One last blinding flash and my world went black. = = = I I I I = = = I going to make this clear: yes, I woke up in Ponyville, and yes, I was a pony. For a while I happily admired the scenery, shook my cool red mane around, and even wagged my tail like a well-fed puppy. Walking was a bit hard but only for the first few steps, since every brony has practiced walking on all fours in case of lucid dreams (which I’d never had, but the practice came in handy). I was all joy despite that I'd got tricked to come here. Who would've known Hasbro had a working inter-dimensional TARDIS-shaped teleporter? Explains how they got Equestria depicted so well, but still... This should qualify as an abduction to the police, though I don’t think they’d believe me. Also, I was an earthpony, so no flying or magic spells, but Applejack and Pinkie Pie were earthponies and they were awesome. Anyway, that splendor lasted for a full five minutes and then everything went to hell. It started with Rainbow Dash. I'd ended up on a dirt road maybe a quarter mile away from the nearest houses in Ponyville. I saw Rainbow walking (not flying) down the road towards me, probably on her way from Cloudsdale. RD being best pony, I decided to grab her attention. ”Hey, Rainbow Dash! You rock!” I expected her to be pleased to get a random compliment. She stopped on her tracks about fifteen feet from me. ”Excuse me?” Rainbow said, her voice a little rough. Did she have a sore throat or something? ”Nothing. Just cheering for the greatest flyer in all of Equestria.” She trotted closer. She had a set of saddlebags on her. ”You want an autograph or something?” Her voice was really rough. Like inside Rainbow Dash had somepony else to speak for her. I had to ask. ”Is there something wrong with your voice? It sounds strange.” ”No, dude, it's the voice-acting. I don't speak my lines myself.” I laughed a little at the joke as she finished writing on the piece of paper and put the pen back in her bag. I took the paper and read it. ”Who's... 'Marleen Feldt'?” I asked. If this was a joke I didn't get it. She turned around, and that's when I saw it – or actually it was the lack of it, the lack of a cutie-mark. My wide open mouth and continued staring at Rainbow Dash's flank made her facehoof. When she very slowly revealed her pissed off face, my world was only an inch away from imploding on itself. She looked at the ground and said: ”Shit.” That was it. Implosion imminent. ”Shit, shit, SHIT!” ”Rainbow Dash did you just swear?” ”YES! Because another one of you fucking idiots got sent here again and I wasn't told nothing!” Did Rainbow Dash just say... ”Fuuuuuck?” My voice had been reduced to a pathetic whine. She finally turned to look at me. ”Yes, you are fucked! Shit out of luck!” She looked angry enough to buck my teeth in or worse. ”Wait, wait, waaait!” ”You motherfucker!” she interrupted. If it had been a gentler word I probably would've enjoyed getting yelled at by RD, but this was too much. I had to make her stop – for the good of us both. ”Why are you angry at me? I've done nothing to you or anypony else.” She rolled her eyes. Yes, it was working! I carried on, maybe crying, maybe not: ”I'm new here. I just ended up here in a–” ”Blue TARDIS model? Yeah, of course you did.” I tried to come up wit a cool way to express my astonishment (and to make up for some of the crying), but all I could say was: ”What? How did you know?” ”Uhh... Let's start over. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at the producers.” ”Producers?” ”Friendship Is Magic is a tv show.” ”And?” In hindsight I think I could've worded myself a little better. ”It's not real. We're all just acting.” Suddenly the world was a much darker place, though it wasn't supposed to be. I was literally in Ponyville, literally talking with a sky-blue, rainbow-maned pegasus, and I was literally one of those talking ponies myself. None of that made sense, but none of this made sense either! If this could happen, anything could. What if party.mov turned out to be real? All I could say was a quiet and depressed: ”Oh...” ”Don't take it too hard...” ”Eric,” I said. ”Right. I was on my way to the set; you can tag along. Let's go meet the others.” ”The others? I... I don't know.” The Elements of Harmony could be... They could all be... ”Might as well break the whole thing to ya right away. They're not that bad. They're not as bad as me, I can promise you that. Oh yeah, Eric, I'm Marleen Feldt, but you can call me M–” ”NO! I can't!” I realized I'd just startled her, and considering that temper it felt better to take it easy. But I couldn't let this happen anyhow, at least not yet. ”I mean... can I call you Dash?” ”No. Hell no.” ”Please, just for today? I don't think I can take this all at once.” She gave me an annoyed look. It was that annoyed look! Something recognizable, yay! ”Fine,” she said, and I regained a spring to my step – for that one last time. = = = | | | | = = = The way to Ponyville was uneventful. I didn’t want to push my luck with the name thing even though she’d just agreed with it. Everytime I was about to say something it started with “Rainbow Dash” in my head. I decided to wait for some more answers. If this place was nothing but a fine tv set, it sure was the finest I’d ever seen. It looked just like Ponyville! Only in 3D! The revelation made me finally understand why 3D films were so popular. And there she stood, Twilight’s library tree. It was as beautiful as the show had made me imagine. Dash trotted up to the door and pushed it open. “Yo, Talia,” she said, and I felt my nose start to bleed. “I got us a new friend to join the show.” “Somepony new? How wonderful!” said a voice that was actually quite close to the original. As I followed Dash inside I couldn’t help letting out a squeal of joy: all the books were there, the bedroom upstairs was there, and of course Twilight Sparkle herself was there, reading a book. “Talia, this is Eric,” said Dash. Twilight got up to greet me. To my utter dismay, as we shook hooves she said: “Hello, Eric. Don’t mind what Rainbow said about the names. I’m Twilight Sparkle, the one and only.” Insanity, I welcome you. “Somepony tell me what’s going on!” I screamed like a sitcom character, which wasn’t too far from my current situation. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, Talia!” said Dash. “Eric, I’m not lying. We are all actresses! Talia just takes her role more seriously.” “But the library! But Twilight! But everything!” “Eric is right Rainbow Dash, let’s not confuse him any longer. It’s cruel,” said Twilight. “What she said! What Twilight said!” I cried, but Dash just shook her head at me. She said: “Look, I’m telling the truth, want it or not.” She took off her saddlebags. Despite any missing cutie marks, what was missing now sealed the deal, so to speak. I’ve never been good at describing things, but the scream I let out could’ve thrown Edvard Munch’s Scream beyond thunderdome, even beyond our solar system to another galaxy far far away. It went like this: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WIIIIIIIIIINGSS! NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!” “And no damn horns either.” “WHAAAAAAT!?” “They’re plastic strap-ons. Talia just wears hers all the time,” said the wingless abomination. “No, I don’t. I’m Twilight Sparkle and my horn is as much a part of me as the rest of my head,” said the purple creature. “Shut up, Talia. You’re making it worse for the new guy!” “I am the Element of–” SLAM! That’s what the door said when I... slammed it shut behind me. How many times will this world screw me over before it’s done? Five times? Nine times? Eleven hundred bucking times!? By what I was hearing, Dash was chasing Twilight around the library to snatch her horn. Wow, is that something to make a fuss about in /co when I get back... If I get back. Hey, is that little guy... “Spike,” I said, thinking that at this point saying anything more than necessary resulted in a figurative kick to the nuts. Though I fully expected Spike to do that anyway. “Yeah?” he said, his voice higher than Cathy Weseluck’s. He was carrying a small black notebook and a pencil. “You are Spike.” “Yeah. You want an autograph?” “No thanks. I just want to know if your name is Spike and not Bruce, or Wayne, or Captain America or something.” “Well... You’re not very far from the truth.” Oh dang, I should’ve known. “To ponies I’m Spike, but my true name is–” I didn’t understand what he said next. I couldn’t even reproduce the sounds he made. If the word had any syllables, it must’ve had at least seven, but not a single vowel. If I’d heard that sound while walking down the street, I would’ve called the authorities – and not just the cops but the animal warden, pest control, fire brigade, child services, FBI, alien hunters and so on. “What was your name again?” said “Spike”. “Eric. I think I’m to join the cast or something like that.” A cheesy grin escaped my lips. C’mon, talking about the cast of Friendship is Magic with Spike the dragon himself! “Aww, shit.” My ears had done enough bleeding, but I had to struggle to keep my eyeballs in their sockets. “This was supposed to be a day off! I’m here only to pick up the waffle iron Mara had borrowed.” “Dash!” I yelped. The reptile goggled at me for a second, breaking to a seemingly helium-assisted laugh. “She’s in the tree with Twilight.” “I know. Y’know, I guess we gotta hold a good welcome party to get you acquainted.” Excitement ran fresh in my veins once more, but what if Pinkie was a heavy drinker, a colt in drag, or maybe just a pink badger with some cotton candy on top. I couldn’t let my hopes very high up – and almost any height seemed too high. I settled for around one inch when Spike flipped open the notebook and revealed that it wasn’t a notebook but a cell phone. Yeah, a bucking Taiwanese HTC. He put it on his ear and said: “Spike here. Please, tell me you’re still sober... I know that, but sometimes I think you’re drunk when you wake up. So, haul your rear over to the library. We got us a new cast member... If it’s any consolation I’m pretty darn pissed too, but you gotta come.” “Who was that?” I asked as Spike hung up. “It was Hillah, but she’s not the only one I’m gonna call.” Great job, Eric, another fine question for today. Spike tapped in another number. “Jetta, it’s Spike. We got a new guy here at the library so could you... Good, but don’t take them with you. They take it so hard, remember? See ya.” Spike didn’t close his phone for a good while, so I got a little bored. Even though it was a sunny day it must’ve been raining not long ago, as there were small pools scattered around the library. I walked up to one of them to check my looks. My coat was yellow like butter, pretty much like Fluttershy but maybe a tad darker. My mane was a cool shade of red and quite a bit longer than my hair used to be, but it still didn’t get on my eyes. My brilliant amber eyes... Oh, hell. “Spike,” I said when he’d finished his calling marathon, “do I look like Apple Bloom?” He took a moment to stare at me and guffawed. “You come pretty close. They’ll probably cast you as one of the Apples. You may even get Braeburn’s parts if he’d needed,” said Spike. “Okay, but what happened to the original Braeburn?” I asked. Spike rolled his eyes and cringed. “Dave... It was kinda complicated. But I know for certain that in the end he’d pissed off at least three mafia families in Canterlot” – Spike tilted his head, widening the awkward grin he had – “and also some secret league of assassins.” – another short pause after which Spike sighed – “not forgetting that really violent donut shop unicorn.” “Joe!?” “Eric, his name was Dave. A real troublemaker, I don’t know what his special talent was, but it sure wasn’t swimming with concrete shoes.” It seemed I still hadn’t run out of depressed “oh”s. Braeburn was fish food, a pony who’d only seen water in a bucket had been shoved off some pier to a watery grave. Maybe this Equestria didn’t have all those magnificently malicious villains, but wow did that only make things worse. Wreaking destruction across cities and whole nations isn’t nearly as heartless as murdering somepony, especially if that somepony was Braeburn. Spike waved at me and said: “Hey, we’re very sad that he’s gone, but it was a good lesson to learn. Anyway, I got most of the guys coming over. We should wait inside the library.” “Twilight and Dash are there,” I said. “Yeah.” “They’re crazy.” “I know. Or at least Talia is. She hasn’t taken a break from that role in two years.” For once my “oh” wasn’t depressed. In fact, I think I laughed a little even though I shouldn’t. Obsessions can be bad for anypony.