//------------------------------// // Chapter 20: Hell's Pony Kitchen // Story: Trip Of A Lifetime // by Tailslover13 //------------------------------// “You sure you should be moving around after that BRUTAL fight?” Rainbow Dash teased, never having stopped taunting Josh after the stallion had finally had the strength to pick himself up off the ground after his one-sided bout with Derpy Hooves. The two were currently trotting along the streets of Ponyville, since Dash had promised Josh breakfast, but the blue Pegasus had decided to not fly for the rest of the trip. She was having too much fun teasing Josh for the humiliation that had just been placed on him by one of her Pegasus friends. “Do you EVER learn?” Josh snapped, trying his hardest to ignore Rainbow Dash while putting up with the pain his body still felt from his beating, “Don’t you know what happens when you tease and mock me by now? You know, my nickname isn’t ‘The Schwarzenegger” for nothing, you know.” “What exactly does that have to do with anything?” Dash asked, “What does that name even mean?” “Back on my world, Arnold Schwarzenegger is one of the most popular human beings alive,” Josh explained, “He starred as the main character in a certain famous movie. Let’s just say that he was incredibly scary in said movie and you would not want to mess with him. I call myself that nickname sometimes because it’s basically the same as my last name, only cooler. Plus, you shouldn’t mess with me, because…I’ll be back!” “You’ll be back…from where?” Rainbow Dash pondered, very puzzled by what Josh was getting at. “Ugh…you ponies are worthless…back on my world, EVERYONE would get that reference!” Josh sighed, “You ponies seriously need to get movies and television here. You don’t know what you’re missing!” Josh smirked to himself as he imagined forcing Twilight and all her friends to watch Friday The 13th, Nightmare On Elm Street, Scream, Halloween, Glitter, Gigli, and Plan 9 From Outer Space. “Humph, if it’s anything like you were telling us about yesterday, I’ll pass,” Dash sniffed, rolling her eyes when she saw the evil smirk on Josh’s face, “And don’t think I didn’t see that look. I can tell that you were thinking something evil again.” “I’m not thinking of anything evil; I’m thinking of how much you ponies anger me and how much I want to make you all suffer,” Josh said simply, “That isn’t evil; I’m more than willing to bet my entire world would be proud of me for doing so, especially all the males. I doubt there’d be ONE male back on my home that would like you ponies.” “Because we’re so ‘girly’ and stuff, right?” Rainbow Dash frowned, “Wow, you really do love being a total creep, don’t you? I should just call you Gilda Jr. or something, since that’s who you are.” “I think I might get along with Gilda,” Josh commented, “First of all, griffons are incredibly amazing creatures of myth. Sure, I kill them all the time in my Final Fantasy video games, since they’re freaking hard to beat and usually result in a good number of experience points, but I still find them cool. I bet Gilda is WAY cooler than any of you stupid ponies.” “STOP talking like her!” Dash demanded, “That’s how SHE always talked…well, come to think of it, I like to talk about ‘cool’ things as well…but, forget that! Just stop it or I’m not treating you to breakfast.” “Hmm…stop talking about how uncool you ponies are, but get a free breakfast…or continue doing it, lose a free breakfast, but get you out of my sight…tough call,” Josh mused, grinning at the angry look he once again got Rainbow Dash to make. “Ugh…look, let’s just stop at this place,” Dash sighed, eventually walking up to a fancy restaurant, “Maybe showing you a little kindness will make you stop being such a jerk. This is the Ponyville Outlet, one of the best breakfast nooks in all of Ponyville. They have the finest chefs and the most delicious assortments of food that any breakfast-goer would LOVE to eat. I’m sure they’ll have something that you’ll like.” “I highly doubt that, since I’m a finicky eater, but I’m game,” Josh shrugged, “If I don’t like it, I can always throw the food at another table and start a food fight and then sneak out while you have to pay for all the damages.” “You do that and I’ll make sure the entire town chases you into the Everfree Forest with pitchforks and torches,” Rainbow Dash said darkly, giving Josh a look that showed that she wasn’t joking around. With another excited snicker, Josh reluctantly followed his Pegasus partner into the restaurant. The inside of the eatery was quite fancy for a small village like Ponyville. The floors were all spotless, the tables that were unoccupied were squeaky clean, the tablecloths and chair covers were neatly folded, the walls were covered with paintings from popular Ponyville painters, and all the ponies inside the joint seemed to be having a good time. Josh frowned almost instantly as he observed the sight. He really didn’t like places that were so neat and organized. Sure, he was a perfectionist himself, but to his own personal standards. A fast-food place served him just fine. “Table for two?” the unicorn stallion maître d' asked as he greeted Josh and Rainbow Dash, giving a respectful bow as he did. Josh observed the fellow stallion and noticed he was wearing a tuxedo and looked clean and groomed. Once again, Josh frowned and felt annoyed. Why did people…or ponies…insist on dressing and acting like idiots just to try and look classy? So ridiculous. “Yeah, that sounds cool,” Dash nodded, “Anywhere is fine with me. What about you, Josh?” “Yeah, whatever, just make it snappy,” Josh grumbled, “I already feel out of place in this place.” “Right this way, my good ponies,” the headwaiter nodded, ignoring Josh’s snippiness while he levitated two menus with his magic and began trotting towards a table. Dash instantly followed along, and after muttering something under his breath, Josh went along as well. The unicorn stallion led Josh and Rainbow Dash to an empty table right in the middle of the restaurant, setting down the two menus and giving another bow as he used his magic to spread the two chairs open. Rainbow Dash instantly flopped down on one of the seats and leaned back, already getting into her relaxed pose. Josh glanced at the stallion maître d’ curiously, and he realized that he still had a horn that he hadn’t bothered to focus on since yesterday. He was starting to become very interested in using magic; maybe he’d have to go and visit Twilight Sparkle after ditching Dash. “Thanks, I guess,” Josh mumbled, sitting down in his own seat and feeling slightly awkward about it, “Damn, being a pony seriously sucks. I miss my hands.” “Our head waitress will be along shortly to take your orders,” the maître d’ said, giving another bow and turning to walk away. “What a dweeb,” Josh snickered, pulling his menu close to him and glancing over it, ignoring the glares from Rainbow Dash, “Hmm…let’s see…what kinda slop does this place have? Ugh…that’s gross…no thank you…disgusting…I wouldn’t feed THAT to my cat…that’s just nasty…I’d rather starve than having THAT crap…don’t know what that is…WHERE’S THE GOOD FOOD?!?!” “Josh, would you keep your voice down?” Dash snapped, “I don’t like all this fancy stuff anymore than you do, but I’m TRYING to be nice here. Don’t embarrass me like this; I’m the coolest pony in this town!” “It’s not my fault you ponies eat disgusting stuff!” Josh spat back, glaring back down at his menu and ignoring the stares he was getting from the nearby customers, “Just LOOK at this junk! All I see is grass, daises, flowers, and other crap.” “Josh…that’s what we ponies eat…mostly,” Dash sighed, covering up her face and giving the ponies that were staring some cheap grins, “Sorry! Hehe, no problems here! Nope, no problems at all!” “I’m not gonna stand for this!” Josh frowned, throwing the menu away and instantly pointing with his hoof at one of the passing waitresses, “Hey, YOU! Get over here!” “Um…sir…you’re gonna have to wait your turn…” the waitress frowned, giving Josh a cold look, but gasping when the stallion jumped up and advanced on her, “Eek! Sir, w-what are you…?” “Shut up and tell me where the kitchen is,” Josh demanded, shoving his face right into the scared unicorn waitress’ face, “I need to have a word with the staff here.” “Sir, if you don’t sit back down, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave,” the waitress whimpered, backing down from Josh’s rage. Rainbow Dash, during all this, was trying to make herself look smaller and smaller. Her face showed that she wanted to murder Josh right now. “You’re useless!” Josh spat, stomping past the trembling waitress and looking around himself, “Let’s see, where’s that kitchen…ah, over there!” He saw a large white sign in the far corner of the restaurant that read “Main Kitchen” on it with big, fancy blue lettering. Josh immediately began stomping in that direction, ignoring the angry and shocked stares he was getting from practically everypony in the restaurant now. The maître d’ was now angrily heading in Josh’s direction as well. “Sir, you must leave the restaurant now!” the stallion said, trying his best to sound calm as he stepped between Josh and the kitchen, “You have done nothing but cause a disruption since you came here.” “Sorry, ugly, but I’m afraid I’m not going anywhere,” Josh smirked, “And, thankfully, you’re not a female. FINALLY I get to smash a pony’s face in!” “Um…wait, what?” the headwaiter asked, before letting out a yelp as Josh formed a hooved fist and smashed it straight into the stallion’s face. The blow sent the stunned pony flying straight through the doors to the kitchen, inciting a loud gasp from the rest of the restaurant goers as they watched the assault with widened eyes. “HA! YEAH, BABY!” Josh cheered, bouncing up and down and momentarily forgetting his mission, “FINALLY I GET TO SMACK ONE OF THESE DUMBASS PONIES! I AIN’T SO WEAK NOW, AM I, YOU STUPID HORSES? Now, to get a few things cleared up around here.” Feeling happy with what he had just accomplished, Josh pushed his way into the kitchen through the flapping doorway. As soon as he entered the kitchen, one of the swinging doors slammed right into the downed stallion that had just flown through thanks to Josh’s punch. Unfortunately, it slammed right into the poor pony’s groin, instantly making him screech in pain again on the ground and go back to twitching in agony. Josh casually trotted over the top of the pony, making sure to stomp on the back of his head, as he walked straight into the spotless white kitchen. He instantly spotted the five chefs and yelled at them. “YOU FIVE! IN FRONT OF ME, RIGHT NOW!” Josh snarled, stomping his hooves and startling all five of the stunned workers, “DO I STUTTER? I SAID GET YOUR FREAKING ASSES IN FRONT OF ME, NOW!” “W-w-w-what is the meaning of this?!?!” one of the chefs, a green female earth pony, stuttered in horror, “Are you r-r-robbing us or something?” “SHUT UP AND GET OVER HERE!” Josh roared, “I WILL NOT ASK YOU AGAIN!” This time, his screaming did the trick and all five chefs hurried in front of Josh, too scared to really disobey him. “Good, you five CAN listen to a simple order. Now, I’m hereby taking over as head chef of this kitchen. I find the crap that you idiot horses make completely disgusting, and this entire place gives me the creeps. This kind of establishment shouldn’t even BE in such a penniless town like Ponyville.” “But…you can’t do that!” another one of the chefs, a yellow unicorn stallion, protested, taking a step forward to try and oppose Josh. “Get your ass back in line or I’m gonna stuff your head into one of those ovens over there,” Josh replied coolly, motioning towards one of the kitchen’s ovens. His threat instantly got the stallion moving back in line almost as quickly as he had stepped forward; all five chefs seemed too scared to really say anything against the crazy dark-purple stallion in front of them. “W-w-w-what are you gonna do to us?” a third chef whimpered, this one being a female Pegasus with a beautiful turquoise coat. “First, I have to make sure you five have got what it takes to actually make GOOD food instead of that disgusting grass crap,” Josh replied, “So, I’m gonna tell you all what to make me, and I want it done it the set amount of time I give you. We’ll see what you can do under pressure. Is that clear?” “Er…yes?” the green earth pony whimpered. “Good, Greenie, that’s what I like to hear!” Josh smirked, “And since I could care less for your names, I’m just gonna call you by your colored coats. You’re Green, you’re Turquoise, you’re Yellow, you’re Red, and you’re Black. Okay, are we ready to go here?” He finished pointing out each pony and their new name while he was head chef. “Y-y-yes…” the five chefs said in unison. “Yes, CHEF JOSH!” Josh said. “Y-Y-Y-YES, CHEF JOSH!” came the scared replies. “Good! Now, Green, I want you to make to fry me three eggs, over-hard,” Josh demanded, “Turquoise, you make me a NORMAL pancake without any grass! Black, you make me some waffles. Red, you make me some cream of wheat. Yellow, you look stupid, so you just stand back and don’t get in the way. NOW, GET TO IT!” “Y-Y-YES, CHEF J-J-JOSH!” the five scared chefs called out, quickly racing back into the kitchen and beginning to get to work on Josh’s orders. “Hurry up! Move your asses! Get that skillet out! Mix up that batter! I’d better not see ANY grass or flowers or anything that even LOOKS like veggies!” Josh barked, “I want a GOOD breakfast, and you’re gonna give me one, or you’re gonna suffer.” While Josh snickered and had fun bossing the five scared chefs around, he noticed that his maître d’ friend was starting to come around and weakly get back to his feet. To make sure he didn’t go anywhere, Josh grabbed a nearby rolling pin and trotted over on only three of his legs. Before the stallion maître d’ could limp back out of the kitchen and go for help, Josh nailed him over the head with the deadly kitchen weapon and grinned as his victim crumbled in no time. “Ah, rolling pins are SUCH fun weapons,” Josh chuckled, “I should’ve used a frying pan, though, just like that dumb blonde liked to use in one of my favorite video games, Earthbound. Oh well, this worked as well. Now, to dispose of this nuisance once and for all.” He attempted to grab the stallion’s stupid tuxedo and drag him towards the pantry, but he couldn’t use his hooves that well yet. He then forced himself to use his teeth instead, gripping the stallion’s uniform and dragging him towards the pantry that way. As the five chefs watched in horror, Josh opened up the pantry and kicked the maître d’ straight down the stairs. He landed with a sickening crunch after crashing down 14 wooden steps. With a happy grin, Josh shut the pantry door and locked it. “I love it when a plan comes together,” the former human joked, trotting over to examine the food that was being made, “So, my chefs, how is the food going? Hmm…let me see those eggs…” “Um, well, I did the best I could, but…” Green gulped, pushing the plate of over-hard eggs towards Josh for inspection. Josh picked up a fork with his hoof and poked at the eggs, but frowned when it was revealed to be over-easy instead of over-hard. “It’s raw! RAW!” Josh roared, angrily throwing the plate of eggs across the room and watching them smash into the wall, “Hey, Green, is this your first time working here? Well, guess what? IT’S YOUR LAST! Get the hell out, NOW!” “But…but…you don’t understand…” Green cried, trying to protest against this. “GET…OUT…NOW!” Josh screamed, right into Green’s face. This immediately sent the earth pony into tears as she galloped from the kitchen, pushing past another pony who was about to enter from the other side. A second later, Rainbow Dash angrily flew into the kitchen, her eyes ablaze as she immediately flew up to Josh. “Have you lost your MIND?!?!” she exclaimed, looking beside herself with rage, “You have gone WAY too far this time, Josh! You’re going to jail for this! I saw what you did to the headwaiter, and now you’re terrorizing these ponies and…” “Dash, you might want to look out behind you,” Josh interrupted, pointing behind her back. “Huh?” Rainbow asked, her mouth agape as she glanced behind her back. In shock, she had to quickly duck her head as Turquoise had picked up a frying pan and was about to smash it down onto the pony’s head. Yellow, Red and Black were each holding a toaster, a chef’s knife, and Josh’s rolling pin and were smirking evilly at Josh and Rainbow Dash. “Yup, it’s just as I expected,” Josh chuckled, smirking deviously, “Glad you made it, Dash. As you know, I don’t hit females. So, you take out the leader, Turquoise. I’ll handle her three idiot henchmen, or hench-ponies as I guess you’d call them here.” “W-w-w-wait, what’s going on here?!?!” Rainbow Dash gasped, completely confused, “W-w-why did you bring ME into this?!?! Um, hehe, look my ponies, this is all a big misunderstanding and…” “Dash, this restaurant is secretly the base of an illegal cupcake operation,” Josh said calmly, “These four goons, along with the moron that I sent packing into the pantry, are the five who set it up. I sent Green away, since she was an innocent hostage taken victim to make sure nopony expected anything. I knew that you’d come and tell me off, so I held out until you got here. Now, as I said, you handle Turquoise. Those three stallions behind her are mine.” “…I repeat…WHAT?!?!” Rainbow Dash screamed, but her question couldn’t be answered as Turquoise lunged at the Pegasus and swung her frying pan straight at her head. Dash quickly dodged, and deciding to save the questions for later, the two Pegasi went at each other while Josh took on the three stallions who had been anxiously waiting to get at Josh. “We don’t know how you found out about us, but you’re too late!” Red sneered, the earth pony stallion smirked at Josh as he tried to slice the former human with his knife, “Our cupcake operation is already underway and there’s nothing you can do about it!” “Yeah! Once our new ‘extreme cupcakes’ appears at Sugarcube Corner, we’ll be rich!” Yellow chuckled, attempting to clock Josh in the head with the toaster, “Using an addictive herb that we stole from the plant in Canterlot, we grew acres in our secret warehouse in Fillydelphia. We put them in our cupcakes and tested them on some stupid diamond dogs and they worked perfectly! The herbs are so perfectly that they cause the eater to go into a zombie-like state and thus they become our slaves! Soon, all of Ponyville will be eating our ‘extreme cupcakes’, and they will all become our slaves. Then, we’ll get Celestia and Luna, and soon rule the world! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” “You nitwit! Why did you just tell him our entire plan?!?!” Black snapped, angrily striking Yellow upside the head with his rolling pin as Josh had earlier dodged both Red and Yellow’s attempts to kill him, “Well, no matter. Once we wake the boss up from the pantry and kill these two losers, we’ll be right back in business. Heck, maybe we’ll bake these two nosy foals into cupcakes, too!” “First off, your plan is stupid,” Josh smirked, having fun watching the three stallions argue with one another and give away their entire plan, “Second off, you might want to say hello to Princess Celestia; she’s right behind you.” “IT’S THE PRINCESS!” Yellow shrieked, turning around and instantly falling down in fear, “PRINCESS, THEY MADE ME DO IT, I SWEAR!” “YOU TWO-TIMING MULE!” Black growled, turning around and attacking Yellow in anger. “Uh…dudes…Celestia isn’t here,” Red pointed out, turning around and seeing nothing except Rainbow Dash spanking Turquoise with the frying pan, “Although the scene isn’t too shabby, the princess isn’t here.” A second later, Red collapsed, followed by Black, and finally Yellow. Each one had been subsequently knocked over the head with a glass plate, instantly knocking each of them out. Josh’s little scheme had worked like a charm. It wasn’t too complicated and he didn’t even have to do much; using his brain was more of his style anyway. Josh then took out some wax paper from one of the drawers and began using it to tie up the three villains. Rainbow Dash was just finishing off Turquoise. “We would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling ponies!” Turquoise growled, yelping as Rainbow Dash whipped her behind once more with the frying pan, “OW! STOP THAT ALREADY, YOU CRAZY PEGASUS! MMMMPH!” At that moment, she got an entire loaf of bread stuffed up her mouth to silence her, while Dash finished off tying her fellow Pegasus up with some string she found in the odds and ends drawer over by the sink. “And that’s a WRAP,” Josh joked, finishing wrapping up his own three victims with the wax paper, “Nice work, Dash; you make a good sidekick.” “Thanks…HEY! I’m nopony’s sidekick!” Dash frowned, flapping her wings and flying over to Josh, “If anything, you were MY sidekick…I just got here later than you, that’s all.” “Sure, whatever, loser,” Josh teased. “Ugh…okay, look…how in the world did you know what this was all about?” Dash asked, having heard what Yellow said about their plan, “I mean, I thought this was just you being a total jerk again for no reason whatsoever! How on all of Equestria did you KNOW?” “That’s for me to know and you to find out,” Josh smirked, leaning over and giving Dash a mock tickle under her chin with his hoof, “Now, if you don’t mind, I’d REALLY like to get some REAL food; all this ass-kicking has gotten me hungry. I think I’ll take a rain check on your offer to get me some food and just go see Twilight; I’m sure she’ll have something normal and not so high-class as this phony place. Besides, I want to learn some magic from her…and then use it to shrink her and torture her.” “But…but…WHAT?!?!” Dash squeaked, once again lost in confusion at what Josh was saying. Josh simply chuckled and gave Rainbow Dash one more wink, then started to trot towards the door. “You can clean up here and take all the credit for saving the day,” Josh explained, “Go and call the cops and whatever; tell them that you did all the work. Make sure those thugs don’t get away, alright?” “Okay…sure…bye then…” Rainbow Dash muttered, waving to Josh as she watched the alicorn walk out of the kitchen. Slowly, a weak smile broke out on Rainbow’s face. “Heh…he’s actually…pretty cool.” “Oh, and one more thing,” Josh said, poking his head back into the kitchen, “You really shouldn’t hide it that you’re a lesbian, Rainbow Dash. I saw how much you were enjoying spanking Turquoise and I know how you feel about each of your friends. You really shouldn’t hide it. I think you’d fit perfectly with each of your stupid friends. Hmm…what would be a good name for you and Twilight…ooh, how about TwiDash?” As Josh laughed his head off and finally left the kitchen for good, he heard an enraged scream from the doors behind him, followed by what sounded like a plate shattering as it was hurled against the doors that Josh had barely had time to close before trotting off towards the entrance.