Excessive giggling snapped Josh out of his dreams. The odd clicking sounds helped stir the stallion, too. As he groaned and attempted to stretch, he felt a heavy weight on his back and had to jog his memory to remember what had happened last night. He remembered having a horrific nightmare, going for a walk, singing a melodramatic song, fighting Applejack and losing, and giving her a cute nickname to counter the annoying one she always gave him just before he zonked out with her on top of his back.
“Oh, right…heavy farmer pony on my back…you would think I would’ve remembered that instantly,” Josh grumbled, groggily rubbing his eyes with his hooves and giving his usual growl that he always gave in the mornings, “Dammit…stupid hooves…I don’t care WHAT these dumbass ponies say; being a human a lot better than being a horse.”
“Someone’s a mister crabby pants!” one of the giggling voices exclaimed, instantly making Josh crane his neck around to see just who was daring to piss him off so early in the morning. What he saw was Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle all sitting nearby with little cameras clutched in their hooves and wide-rimmed grins plastered on their adorable faces. Josh’s eyes narrowed almost at once when they fell upon the cameras.
“If you little brats even DARE show those pictures to anyone, you will receive no less than 100 spankings with a steel paddle,” Josh warned, squirming and trying to remove Applejack from his back.
“Yeah, IF you can catch us,” Scootaloo teased, taking another picture of the two ponies on top of each other, just to further aggravate Josh, “Hey, what can we say? This was a pretty amusing scene to wake up to. Thankfully, Apple Bloom had some extra cameras lying around.”
“I also hope she has a medical kit lying around, too, since you mischievous little fillies are gonna need it once I get ahold of you!” Josh snarled, trying to slap at them with his tail and watching them simply scoot back and giggle even more, “Damn you! Would you just move stupid Jackie…I mean, Applejack? Get her off me already; this is humiliating!”
“Jackie? Aww, that’s a cute nickname,” Apple Bloom commented, “Did ya’ll make up last night and then ya gave her that nickname?”
“It kinda seems like you two made up, seeing as how she’s sleeping on top of you,” Sweetie Belle agreed, “You ARE quite warm; I remember feeling it when I snuggled you yesterday.”
“First, shut up, we didn’t make up and I’m gonna kick her ass once she wakes up for sleeping on top of me and embarrassing me like this,” Josh explained, “Second, that’s no surprise; it’s a well-known fact that males usually have hotter bodies than females.”
“Hey!” Scootaloo frowned, putting her hooves on her hips, “What’s THAT supposed to mean? Are you calling Rainbow Dash ugly?”
“Wait…what?!?!” Josh blinked, slapping his hoof over his forehead, “No, you silly filly! I meant that males usually generate more body heat than females. My mother told me as much.”
“Oh…well, you’re lucky that’s what you meant,” Scootaloo muttered.
“JUST GET APPLEJACK OFF MY BACK BEFORE I DESTROY YOU ALL!” Josh screamed, finally having lost his patience with the fillies, “YOU GIRLS ARE DRIVING ME BATTY! I HATE KIDS!”
“If you hated us so much, you’d simply ignore us and not even acknowledge out presence,” Sweetie Belle said matter-of-factly, “The fact that you always have to talk about us just proves that you think about us a lot and thus means you like us!”
“…did your stupid big sister tell you that?” Josh groaned, “I’m guessing she did…it sounds like something moronic that that silly fashion pony would say. Look…wake Applejack up, would you? I can’t lay here forever with that stupid hayseed on my back!”
“Why don’t ya’ll just roll over and move her off yerself?” Apple Bloom suggested, a strange grin lurking on her face, as though she knew something that Josh didn’t.
“Uh…oh, right…why didn’t I think of that sooner?” Josh sighed, “Great, a little filly has to tell me something I should’ve realized last night. Dammit, this sucks…I got straight A’s in school, too!”
While grumbling, the stallion rocked his hips back and forth a little while churning his body to the right. He could feel the limp Applejack snoozing on his back, but as he continued to wiggle his body, he could feel her start to move along with him. Oddly enough, no matter how much he squirmed and tried to roll Applejack off, while she moved along with him, she never actually slid off his back. Then, Josh accidentally slid too far and ended up rolling over onto his backside. Applejack ended up rolling over and plopping down on top of him so that they were face-to-face.
Widening his eyes in shock and a slight red tint breaking out on his muzzle, Josh blinked a dozen times and had no idea what to do. For the first time in his entire life, he had a female lying on top of his body, and on his FRONT and not his BACK. Applejack’s blonde mane was blown into Josh’s face by a morning breeze, making Josh hack and spit it away, but he couldn’t pry his eyes off Applejack’s face. The look of her sleeping contently and snuggling up unconsciously into him made him feel incredibly gooey on the inside. He also noticed that the three Cutie Mark Crusaders were grinning even more and were slapping each other high-fives and hoof-bumps with their hooves.
“You three…are SO dead…” Josh whispered, very weakly placing his hooves on Applejack’s shoulders, “Oh dear God…this feels SO weird…ugh, I should’ve realized that she wouldn’t roll off my back that easily. The stupid girl is quite heavy, after all.” Just as he was about to shove Applejack off, however, her green eyes fluttered open and she instantly gave Josh a tired grin.
“Mornin’, Joshy boy,” she yawned, playfully crossing her forelegs under her chin as she stared into Josh’s eyes, only two inches away from his face, “Yer pretty warm, ya know that? Not to mention quite a gentle-colt fer not tryin’ to wake me while ya attempted to get me off.”
“…you were totally awake the entire time, weren’t you?” Josh sniffed, his eyes narrowing into slits as he grit his teeth and looked livid with rage.
“Maybe…aw, ah can’t lie…yeah, pretty much,” Applejack admitted, “Hey, ah work on a farm, ya silly boy. Ah’m always up first thing in the mornin’. Ah was actually up a good ten minutes or so before YOU even got up!”
“AND YOU WERE PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP THIS WHOLE TIME?!?!” Josh roared.
“What can ah say? Yer pretty warm and ah didn’t really want to move,” Applejack giggled, finally raising herself off Josh and stepping off his body, “It’s not mah fault yer too much of a sissy to move me on yer own. Aww, do ah weigh too much for ya’ll to handle?”
“And you three were in on this too?” Josh said darkly, giving the evil eye to the three Cutie Mark Crusaders. The three fillies looked nervously at each other, then simply gave Josh three angelic looks without saying a word. If halos could magically appear out of nowhere, they would’ve appeared right then and there over the three fillies’ heads. When Josh didn’t get a response out of them, Applejack chuckled again and held her hoof out to him.
“Need a hoof?” she asked, giving him a smile.
“No thanks,” Josh said flatly, slapping Applejack’s hoof away and getting onto his hooves himself, “Ugh, my legs…hind legs, I guess…are asleep. I need to walk this off. Aww, dammit, I’m hungry, too! Great, just freaking great. My hind legs are asleep, I’m hungry, and I want to strangle three fillies and a farmer. It seems like I’m gonna have quite a busy morning.”
“Gals, ya’ll get goin’ now, ahright?” Applejack said, ignoring Josh for the moment and turning to the three fillies, “Ah can finish up here. Gather up yer things and head on out whenever ya want, okay? Get some breakfast when ya can.” She gave Apple Bloom a hug and Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo pats on the head.
“Okay, sis!” Apple Bloom smiled, giving her a little wink, “Have fun with Joshy! We’ll see ya both later!” She took off towards the farmhouse.
“Bye, Josh!” Scootaloo said, giving Josh a little wave before taking off back to the farmhouse as well.
“Take care! Oh, and if you see my sister, ask her how I did with your mane, alright?” Sweetie Belle added, also giving Josh a friendly wave as she followed her two fellow crusaders, leaving Applejack and Josh both alone in the apple orchard.
“So, Joshy…shall we get ourselves some exercise?” Applejack grinned, excitedly readjusting her hat as she looked at Josh, “Kickin’ yer flank will really work up the ol’ appetite and make a big breakfast even more delightful.”
“Bring it on, AJ!” Josh snapped, pawing at the ground and preparing to charge, “I’m sick and tired of you always beating me up! Do you even know how humiliating it is back on my world when a boy loses to a girl in a fight? That’s one of the most shameful punishments a male could ever experience! Then again, a male should never hit a female, so it’s only natural that they lose…but, still, it’s shameful!”
“Ya talk too much, Joshy,” Applejack said plainly, turning around and wiggling her rump at him, “Now, are ya gonna try somethin’, or do ah have to make the first move?”
“OOOOOOOH, YOU!” Josh screamed before charging straight towards the teasing farmer, “I’M GOING TO THROTTLE YOU! I’M GONNA SMASH YOU FLAT, BURY YOU WITH THESE DAMN APPLES, AND THEN TICKLE YOU UNTIL YOU BEG FOR MERCY!”
With a loud laugh, Applejack began to run away from the angry stallion, galloping the opposite direction through her farm’s orchard. Her mane and tail flowed wildly as she charged, smiling wider and wider at all the curses Josh was spewing at her. She couldn’t really explain why, but having Josh chase her really excited the mare. Plus, since Josh was still not too used to his new body, he was nowhere near as fast as her. As she ran behind a tree, Applejack stuck her tongue out the other side at Josh, egging him on with the chase.
Josh himself was seething mad. How DARE that girl run from him? Plus, it was humiliating how slow he was. As a human, he was one of the quickest runners he knew; he once ran a mile in only 10 minutes. But, as a pony, he could barely contain his running. He wasn’t used to using four legs instead of two, and the faster he ran, the more he stumbled and nearly fell flat on his face. But, he couldn’t let Applejack get away. He wanted to catch her and torture her. It seemed like a never-ending game, but he didn’t care; he never backed down from a challenge.
“HOLD STILL, YOU STUPID PONY!” Josh screamed, finally reaching the tree Applejack had been hiding behind, only to find that it was deserted and AJ was already three trees ahead of him.
“Sorry, Joshy, but ya gotta work to get THIS mare,” Applejack called out, tipping her hat to Josh before returning to her run, “When ya really want somethin’, ya gotta work fer it. If ya work hard enough, it’ll eventually become yers.”
“Enough of your blabbing! Take your beating like a…pony!” Josh demanded, continuing to gallop after Applejack as fast as he could, “Ugh…c’mon, stupid body…go faster…FASTER, DAMN YOU!”
The chase lasted a while longer, with Applejack never wearing out and Josh being too persistent and stubborn to stop. Applejack knew all the tricks of her orchard and she always knew that she could get Josh to keep chasing her. Part of her plan was to get him to have some fun and to just be around her more. Even if it was a bit unusual, Applejack saw that one of the few ways to keep Josh’s attention was to annoy or tease him, so if that’s what it took, she was more than happy to oblige. Plus, deep down, an unusual joy lit inside of her heart at the chase; she never had a stallion chase her before. Usually, it was a certain mare who did that.
As per usual, Rainbow Dash immediately went to visit Applejack first thing after waking up. She always went to see the farmer pony first thing in the morning. She couldn’t explain why, but seeing Applejack always made her happy. The two were a lot alike and they were always playing with each other. Plus, after what Josh did to the two yesterday, Dash really wanted to make sure that Applejack was alright and that things between them were “cool” and alright. The forced kiss had made her incredibly nervous and feel very weird, and being flattened with Applejack on top of her didn’t help matters. To top it off, she was hoping to plan some revenge on Josh with Applejack at her side.
Zipping through the clouds, Rainbow smiled when she spotted Applejack’s farm. Immediately heading in that direction, she began her descent towards Applejack’s farmhouse, trying to remind herself to not go crashing through the door if it wasn’t open this time. However, her progress was almost immediately halted when she saw her biggest enemy chasing after her best friend in the apple orchards. She noticed Josh at once, and it seemed like Applejack was screaming as the stallion chased her through the trees. Almost as soon as she heard Applejack’s shouts, Rainbow’s blood began to boil and she clenched her hooves into tight fists of rage. Giving her wings some added gusto, she turned away from the farmhouse and instead headed straight for the former human chasing Applejack.
“YOU LEAVE HER ALONE!” Dash screamed, glaring at Josh as she rocketed straight at him like a speeding bullet, “HAVEN’T YOU DONE ENOUGH? I’M GONNA KICK YOUR FLANK IF YOU LAY ONE HOOF ON HER!”
“Get back here already, you…wait, what?” Josh paused, glancing back at hearing the angry shouts and once again coming face-to-face with Rainbow Dash, “Oh, crap…it’s too early for this!” But, like it or not, the slow-moving stallion soon got smacked right in the face by Rainbow’s powered uppercut, knocking the yelping boy backwards and making him see stars. It felt like being hit in the face by a rock being shot out of a cannon.
Crashing down hard onto his back, Josh moaned in pain and instinctively reached up to rub his sore chin where Rainbow Dash decked him. The soft grass of Applejack’s farm cushioned the fall, but not by much. Applejack halted in her run and widened her eyes in shock as she watched Rainbow Dash continue her charge until she body-slammed Josh and pinned him down to the ground. The farmer slapped her forehead with one of her tired hooves and slowly began to trot over to try and explain things before another unnecessary fight broke out.
“So, making us kiss and throwing us off a cliff wasn’t good enough for ya?” Dash growled, reaching down and violently shaking Josh’s head, “Now, you have the nerve to come over to HER home and start chasing her around and trying to hurt her? Well, not on my watch!”
“Ugh…damn, you have a nice swing…oh, and I was just hit in the face by a girl with rainbow-colored hair…ultimate humiliation,” Josh moaned, not even bothering struggling as Dash continued to shake his head back and forth while perched on top of his chest.
“I’m gonna pile-drive you into the ground!” Dash stated, “I’m gonna carry you up into the sky, then deliver a brutal smash straight into the ground until you can’t even be seen! Then, I’m gonna drag you out and give you a few dozen kicks and punches straight to the face and maybe the groin! Then, after that, I’m gonna throw you off an even HIGHER cliff than the one you pushed me and AJ off! And after that, if you’re still moving, I’m gonna…”
“Dash, that’s enough,” Applejack said calmly, trotting up and placing a hoof on her friend’s foreleg that was shaking Josh’s head, “Thank ya kindly for yer concern and all, but ya’ll can let him go.”
“What?!?! But, Applejack, he was chasing you!” Dash whined, her wings drooping slightly at the thought of not getting to deliver her fun punishments, “And…I heard you screaming!”
“Nah, ah was just enjoyin’ the thrill of it,” Applejack chuckled, “Ah didn’t really mind Joshy chasin’ me around; it’s not like he could’ve caught me anyway. And if he had, ah would’ve just pinned him in a second anyway. Judgin’ from how fast ya cleaned his clock, ah’d say that Joshy isn’t so good in a fight.”
“Ha, I hear that!” Dash giggled, giving Applejack a hoof-bump as the two shared in a laugh. Josh, having finally recovered from having been punched, was left frowning in annoyance while the two ponies shared in a joke on top of him.
“You know, you two aren’t endearing yourselves to me by holding me down and mocking me,” Josh snapped, “Applejack, would you mind telling your little friend to let me go already? I’ll save your beating for later; I’m really hungry!”
“Sure, Joshy boy,” Applejack said, giving Rainbow Dash a little nod and gently ushering her off the top of the stallion, “Ah’m gonna go fix up a big breakfast mahself. This has been fun, but it’s gettin’ kinda late and ah should start gettin’ to mah chores. Would you two like to join me?”
“No thanks,” Josh sniffed, “I think I’ve stayed in your presence long enough, Applejack. Any longer and I’m afraid I might go insane. Plus, I’ve taken up enough of your time. I could care less about you farm, but I’m guessing you need to focus. I’ll go get breakfast elsewhere and go pick on the rest of your friends for a while. It’s been fun, though…and by fun, I mean ‘a pain in the ass’.”
“I’ll go, too,” Dash said quickly, giving Josh a heavy glare, “I need to have some word with this guy. AJ, you go ahead…and don’t worry about what he said; he doesn’t know anything.”
“Ah know, ah know…don’t worry ‘bout it, Dash,” Applejack said, giving the mare a gentle hug before giving Josh a solemn glance, “Ah know ya didn’t really mean that, Joshy boy…but, ah’ll see ya later then. Try not to destroy Ponyville, ahright?”
“No promises,” Josh smirked, “I’ve already got my secret rocket launcher and nuclear bomb all prepared and I’m just waiting for an excuse.”
“Heh…whatever ya say, Joshy,” Applejack whispered, tipping her hat and turning away, “See ya…hope to see ya later on.” And with that, the orange pony trotted away from the pair and into her farmhouse.
“Alright, you, now listen up!” Dash growled, instantly flaring up on Josh when Applejack was inside of her home, “Applejack is MY best friend and she means a lot to me! You stay away from her, you understand me? You are not to touch her or harm her in any way whatsoever! If I hear you saying one more mean thing about her, there’s gonna be trouble. Do I make myself clear?”
“Whatever…it’s so obvious you love her it isn’t even funny,” Josh sighed, “You sound just like a husband telling another man to back off from his wife, even though he wasn’t doing anything to begin with. Why don’t you get the stick out of your butt already?”
“W-W-WHAT?!?!” Dash squeaked, a massive blush appearing on her muzzle as she whipped her head to make sure Applejack wasn’t listening. When she found that AJ hadn’t come back out, she angrily turned back around and shoved her face into Josh’s. “It’s totally not like that! I don’t think of her THAT way! I just…she’s my best friend, okay? I’d do anything for her, and she’d do anything for me! We’re always there for each other, we’re almost competing against each other, we’re always helping each other, we always have a lot together…we’re best friends for life! And I don’t have any stick up my butt; I just don’t want a jerk like you picking on my friends. A certain griffon already did that once and I let her have it.”
“A griffon? Interesting…those are quite deadly creatures…” Josh mused, sounding intrigued, “Would you care to share a little bit about that?”
“On what, Gilda?” Dash sighed, sitting down and crossing her forelegs, “I’d much rather not…that happened a while back, and to this day…it still kinda hurts. You see…back in Junior Speedster Flight Camp, Gilda, Fluttershy and I were all close. Fluttershy was like my little admirer, and she was always klutzy and scared of her own shadow. Gilda was somewhat a bully, but she always stuck up for those who dared pick on me or Fluttershy. Gilda was extremely loyal to me and Fluttershy.”
“Gilda is the griffon, I assume?” Josh asked, “Wow…Gilda the griffon…how original.”
“Shut up!” Dash snapped, “Do you wanna hear the story or not?”
“Fine, bigmouth, continue,” Josh said, rolling his eyes and taking a seat opposite the blue Pegasus.
“Humph…I’ll show you who has a big mouth…” Dash grumbled, before eventually continuing with her story, “Anyway, during a race I had when I was a filly, Fluttershy accidentally plummeted down from Cloudsdale and landed near Ponyville, where she decided to stay. Gilda never even bothered to mention her; I guess she thought she died or something. So, from then on, Gilda and I remained close all through the rest of Flight Camp…until I dropped out.”
“Wait…you dropped out?” Josh gasped, looking stunned, “That’s terrible! What the hell is the matter with you? That’s called being a quitter, you know. You’re just a loser!”
“Would you shut up already? It hurts enough without you having to call me that!” Dash cried, her voice shaking a bit, “I KNOW I’m a loser…but, I…well, that place wasn’t for me…I made a few too many mistakes and…I thought I had learned enough. I wanted to become the best flyer in all of Equestria, and I knew I could do it on my own. But, when I quit…Gilda remained. We grew apart from that point on, and I never heard from her again…until a while ago.”
“She came to find you?” Josh asked.
“Well, yes and no,” Dash explained, “She was just visiting Ponyville and happened to see my home. Then, we began to catch up and hang out again, for old time’s sake. I…was so stupid…I let her pick on my friends…making her reduce Fluttershy to tears and making her nearly hurt Pinkie badly. In the end, I picked my NEW friends over her, since they’re TRUE. Gilda…wasn’t a true friend…she only cared about being cooled. I told her off and sent her packing for being the jerk she was. So…if you continue to act like her, I’ll do the same to you.”
“Humph…that’s kinda shameful,” Josh said, shaking his head, “You just give up on your old friend without TRYING to work it out? Okay, maybe she WAS a jerk to your new friends…you couldn’t try talking to her about this instead of just making her leave?”
“You don’t get it, Josh!” Dash argued, “We TRIED. We threw her a welcoming party and everything! Sure, we pulled a few pranks on her, but that was no excuse for her to act like a total jerk to everypony! Fluttershy and Pinkie did nothing to deserve what they got. Gilda was in the wrong and she deserved to leave; I don’t need friends like that.”
“But you’re basically saying that it’s okay to throw away a life-long friendship just because said friend had a bad day and has temper issues,” Josh frowned, “What kind of message are you sending? Look at me, why don’t you? I hate ALL of you ponies and desire nothing more than to kick your asses and leave this god-forsaken world. BUT…the Cutie Mark Crusaders said they’ll like me no matter what, and AJ can’t stop smiling when she’s around me now, DESPITE what I did to her. So, what does that say?”
“But…but…” Dash continued to try and argue, but was struggling more and more to come up with excuses, “Gilda…she just…she had it coming! And, since when do YOU care? You HATE having friends, remember? Why are you saying stuff like this?”
“Because this ‘Gilda’ sounds a lot like me, now that I think about it,” Josh admitted, “So, I was just trying to explain to you my side of the coin…which is probably just like Gilda’s. After everything I’ve done, which I honestly think is justified, you and your friends are STILL always bugging me. Why am I any different than Gilda?”
Rainbow Dash was silent as she glared at the stallion, trying to make sense out of what he was saying this whole time. True, Josh was rude just like Gilda, and rather violent, and rather sarcastic…he really WAS a male Gilda. It was so creepy. But, unlike Gilda, they weren’t sending him away. Was it because he was a former human and they found that cool? Was that really the only reason? When Dash thought of it that way, her heart sank. Sure, he was a total jerk, but…maybe Applejack had it right. Maybe Dash should try looking at this from a new angle.
“Um…say, how about I treat you to breakfast?” Dash said, giving Josh a weak smile and getting to her hooves, “What do ya say? Sound good?”
“I thought you hated me…you wanted to kill me for ‘getting too close to your Applejack’,” Josh smirked.
“Yeah, well…I changed my mind,” Dash said lamely, glancing aside and idly pawing at the ground, “If you don’t want to, that’s cool…be on your way then.”
“Well…I already used Applejack for a place to sleep and dinner last night…I suppose using you for breakfast wouldn’t be such a bad idea,” Josh snickered, “Shall we get going, Rainbow Crash?”
“Call me that again and die,” Dash snarled, but she began flapping slowly away towards Ponyville anyway, making sure that she didn’t go so fast so that the former human could keep up.