Head Full of Cotton Candy

by TheManWithTwoNames

Chapter Seventeen

I do not own any of the characters contained in the following work. “My Little Pony” and all subsequent properties belong to Hasbro and Lauren Faust.

Don’t worry guys, I worked everything out with him. We’re all cool now. Except he says that they’re not keeping me around for much longer. Kinda... kinda not good. Worst of all, I forget why I’m even here in the first place. Something about pants?

Death snapped his neck side to side, each pop sounding like a crack of thunder. The trees entangling his body rotted and fell away, splatting to the ground in puddles of tar and oil.

“Aahhh... I haven’t felt this good in years!” He took a long drag of the polluted air and sighed it out, the fumes pouring from between his teeth like black waterfalls. “Shame on her for keeping so much of this hidden from me.”

“Brother!” Love screamed. Death calmly turned his head and greeted his kin with a smile. “Have you gone completely mad?!”

“Calm yourself,” Death breathed soothingly, “Sister was telling me that I needed more power and merely allowed me to—HAH!” He caught the alicorn with his wing using impossible speed and swatted him to the ground. His tail lifted up and hammered down over and over until he left a deep crater in the gulch.

“Oh no, oh no!” Harmony whimpered and buried herself deeper in Screwball’s mane. “This is horrible! Wh-what is he doing?”

“Death is saving the world for us,” Discord answered as he appeared beside them, “and it’s not suspicious or alarming at all. But just in case I’m wrong, you two should get behind me.” His eyebrows flapped like windshield wipers to push the sweat off of his forehead, leaving his hands free to draw in more chaos energy. He only hoped it would make a difference. But with how easily the spirit was able to take down two spirits on his own... Having the odds against him wasn’t thrilling anymore.

Bison Gulch shuddered five more times before Death held his tail still and looked at the pit. Satisfied with whatever he saw, he carelessly slithered his enormous body in the direction of the last living things in the gulch, smiling broadly and turning his head around him as if waiting for something else to appear. Once he was within neck’s reach, he finally looked down at the three tiny shapes below him. Death spread his wings and Discord braced himself.

“Well done, Brother Discord!” Death laughed a booming laugh. “You played your part gloriously. And don’t fret, Harmony, I didn’t forget about you. I may have never been able to round everyone up to the slaughter if you hadn’t been the one to suggest we all come to visit. And even the little pony has earned my gratitude! As if taking out a spirit didn’t make my job easy enough, you went the extra mile and put down the only one who could have presented an issue for me! My goodness it feels good to be on the winning team!” He laughed again before flashing his teeth in a facsimile of a genuine smile.

“You really are something special. From the moment I saw you those decades ago, Discord, I knew you were the key to making my dreams a reality.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Time isn’t the only one who can predict a future. I knew that you would tilt the balance of the world the longer you stayed alive, causing the rest of us to starve. Why do you think I turned you against the world instead of trying to convince you to come back with me? I wanted you to throw the world into chaos! Being starved myself was not something I had expected, but it did not stop the plan. In our desperation to stay alive, the others would accept any proposal, no matter how vulgar or horrid. At first, I just thought I could just get away with wiping out these hateable ponies, but when you killed Nature you opened my eyes to a new world of possibilities! Now, all the spirits are made mortal and their souls are waiting for me to consume them!

“I will be the end of the spirits! Then I will be the end of all living creatures! Oceans will turn to deserts, forests will turn to ashes, poison and pollution will spread and execute even the smallest bacteria! And when there is nothing left in the world left to die, I will starve and die myself. And then there will be nothing! A dead planet, with no hope to ever live again! I am more than Death! I am The End of All Things!”

The announcement echoed for an instant and halted, as if the planet itself was too stunned to let it be repeated. However eerie the silence Death left in his wake had been before, it was nothing in comparison to the effect of his unholy eulogy. Harmony never imagined it was possible to be so frightened your body refused to tremble. The only sound that was heard for miles was a phlegmy snort.

“You’re calling yourself TEAT?”

“You have such a witty mind,” Death snarled at his giggling brother, “I think I’ll start by taking a nibble of it.”

“Whatever you say, Teat!” Discord cackled while Screwball and Harmony bunched together behind him. He almost envied them, being able to act fearful when they were truly afraid. Death had changed the rules now. Being destroyed himself was no longer the more painful option for saving Equestria. The other spirits were gone, harmony didn’t stand a chance, and his gifts couldn’t do much to help Screwball now. It was up to him. It wasn’t like putting on a show for a town anymore. There were no fifth chances if he failed now.

And for the first time, whether they knew it or not, everyone everywhere—Masky, Patsy, Three Ring, Reverie, Mite, Dusty, Luna, Celestia, and even the other spirits—were all depending on him. So he supposed he would just have to do this right.

“Now, hear me well, because I never want to have to make this speech again,” Discord orated. “Equestria is under the command of one solitary soul: me. I am the absolute ruler of the land, and I have spent two decades doing whatever I saw fit for no one else’s benefit but my own. My imprint in history shall live forever in the minds of each and every living soul for all of time. My name will be sung in songs and cursed in the dark. Not a single unhappy soul will ever have to fear for their lives from the wrath of gods and monarchs ever again. I have played the fool, the victim, the king, the tyrant, the spirit, the draconequus, the hero, and the monster.

“And now, I take my role as a protector. Of the land that belongs to me, of the ponies that belong to me, and of all the souls close to me who are under my care. The winds of change have been blowing for years. And now you’re caught in a hurricane.”

“Shut up and die already.”

Discord threw up a bubble around himself and the girls just in time to shield against the ferocious blast of smog that battled to shatter his defenses. Realizing the strain would be too great to maintain for long, he slapped his tail against the bottom of the bubble and sent it bouncing into the air. Once the three were out of harm, the shield popped and Discord rushed forward in a surprise attack.

Fireworks burst in front of Death’s lidless eyes, leaving him blind and helpless to defend against the boxing gloves rocketing or his underbelly. The force of the dual strikes accomplished little more than making the snake’s dried skin even more cracked. With a muttered curse, Discord vanished away to the clouds to prepare a new strategy.

Discord raced around the pudding clouds, touching each one as he passed by and staining them a deep, soupy red. A bone-chilling howl announced his guest’s arrival and warned him to bank to the right to barely avoid a stream of poison. As he rose and fell around the attacks, he dragged every green thread of nature he could snatch along with him. All the while, an acidic heat stung at his wings and stomach. But as he grabbed more threads and pulled the clouds into motion behind him, he felt Death’s attacks losing their accuracy. Discord chanced a peek over his shoulder and grinned at the dizzied wobbling that began to grip the basilisk’s flight path. Death really ought to have spent more time copying other people’s footsteps, Discord thought to himself, or at the very least practiced flying in circles for a few days.

After a few more revolutions, Discord pulled out from his path with his fist securely clenched around the thick knot of green threads. He pulled at the threads with all his strength, and they ripped into the tomato sauce clouds and spun them into a frenzy. The tomato tornado dragged Death inside, trapping and drowning him in a thick curtain of red. Discord knew better than to expect it would hold his brother for long, but he hoped it would give him enough time to rendezvous with Screwball and see if she had any helpful ideas. He only managed to fly a few feet before something big and heavy caught him in the back of the head and spiked him downward.

Discord managed to right himself once he touched the ground. He jumped back, not wasting an instant, and fell on his tail as Death blasted into the ground. The basilisk did not slow once he collided, instead he continued to push deeper into the rock, drilling an enormous hole and tunneling out of sight. Discord froze in tense silence for several seconds before curiosity overtook him and lured him to the edge of the pit.

Eyesight failed him. Without the sun in the sky, he could barely see twenty feet down. He imagined he saw a glimmering scale in the blackness but there was no way to be sure. Even using his second sight was pointless, only making the darkness more advanced. But within the murky black haze, something stirred.

“Oh, Brother! You’ll never guess who I found down here!” Death gasped playfully. A black and bony leg lashed out at Discord’s feet, swiping at air. The hoof pressed against the rim of the hole and was joined by its twin.

Discord slowly backed away, more from shock than real alarm. A body as dark as an eclipse with a crimson mane that carried the blazing fury of Hell rose up. The skull of the pony was as fleshless as the twisting horn jutting from its forehead. A chunk of its neck had been ripped away and dried blood caked around the bite wound. It traced the mortal wound with the tip of its molted wing and kept its gaze locked on the draconequus. The empty sockets flashed with red at the sight of its murderer, and the late King Equinox opened his jaw.

“We know not by what power we are given life again. But the reason is clear to us.” Even as a hollowed corpse, the alicorn’s voice packed an incredible presence into every syllable. “We shall now take our revenge and seize our kingdom! And we shall drag all of Equestria to Hell with us before We Will Allow It TO BE TAKEN FROM US AGAIN!!” Equinox reared to a greater height than Discord and thrashed his forelegs in the air in exaltation of his own mad decree. “I AM EQUINOX!!! THE ETERNAL KING AND CONQUEROR OF DEATH ITSELF!!!”

“Yak yak yakkety yak yak.” Discord pantomimed a flapping mouth with his claw before snapping it and filling the dead alicorn’s mouth with a bouquet of peace lilies. “No wonder I took your throat out. It was to shut you up!” A flick of his wrist replaced Equinox’s legs with boat oars and dropped him on his stomach, his bones rattling in their skin from the force.

“But now that I’ve got you here, and after I’ve had time to take a look around Equestria,” he hummed as he paced around the zombie, tapping him here and there to color his coat with splotches of baby blue and soft yellows, “I have to say, you may have messed up the place more than I ever did. Everypony was so rude! So as my revenge for all those transgressions, I want you to know that I have been dating your eldest daughter for the last twenty years.”

“HOW DARE YOU!”

“And because you were hideously cruel to your own subjects, and especially your own servants, I am sending you right back to wherever you came from.” Discord opened his paws and summoned a golf putter that wiggled side to side on a spring. “This is for Screwball.”

“Who?”

“Not what I wanted to hear.”

Equinox’s howls remained long after he had been swallowed by the dark mouth of the chasm.

“Well, that wasn’t as fun as I’d hoped,” Death’s mopey voice echoed. “You hardly seemed bothered at all! Talk about a killjoy.”

“That should be you, right?”

“But it’s fine,” he continued, his smarm transforming into something more sinister, “because I’ve got a whole crowd of friends here who are just dying to see you!”

Like a nest of spiders hatching from their eggs, the rotting soldiers of Bison Gulch swarmed from the chasm. WIth a sharp cacophony of crunching bones and raspy battle cries, the army descended upon their groaning enemy.

“That was just awful. Leave the puns to me, you stick to the megalomaniacal speeches.”

“Ah! Look out! No, to your left! Behind you! I can’t look!” Harmony shielded her eyes with her shaking feathers, unable to watch the distant and mostly unintelligible violence. It had been bad enough the last time there was fighting in Bison Gulch, but this... This as worse than anything she had ever witnessed! All the world was being dragged into the spirits’ power struggles now. And not even the dead were permitted rest!

“He can’t hear you from here,” Screwball said with an aggravated tone as she rubbed a hoof against her ringing ears.

“Oh. Sorry.”

She nodded without taking her eyes away from Discord’s area. She couldn’t see him precisely, but every few seconds a handful of the living skeletons launched were into the air accompanied by some silly noise. But she wished he was close enough to hear her. He had to stop wasting his energy on the harmless troops, Death wanted him to wear himself out. But of course, Discord just had to give everyone some attention. There was no doubt in her mind that she would already be at his side if a certain manic phoenix wasn’t so determined to resist her to stop any additional fighting. The only reason it stopped her was because the little creature was so completely pathetic. Though if Discord ever got into trouble, she’d be there faster than even he could teleport to fight off the entire army by herself. Until then, she could only bite her lip on the sidelines.

“I don’t like fighting—”

“You don’t say.”

“...but I hope Discord wins. I like him better than Death.”

“It isn’t hard to choose favorites right now.”

“I mean... I like Discord anyway.”

Purple ears shot up as some unknown protective instincts flared inside her chest. If she turned around and saw a blush on the bird’s face, there would be words. Harmony shifted on her feet, looking as bashful as always, and yet there was an air of dignity to be seen.

“Even though he’s against everything you stand for?”

“Not everything. I know the world is scarier than it should be, but he’s not a bad spirit. Life and Nature and Time and Death never really cared about anyone else. They never even liked each other. Death first started calling Life ‘Sister’ just to get on her nerves. But the rest of us, Love, and Discord and me, we need ponies and all other creatures to live together and create all the bonds that result to exist. He doesn’t get his energy from togetherness and friendship, but he can still understand the concepts. He’s still able to care about others.”

Harmony looked around at Screwball’s face and caught the pony staring for miles ahead without seeing a thing. “But... I don’t imagine he would have ever wanted to if it wasn’t for you.”

Screwball blinked and returned to the present to discover the tiny spirit looking at her with a warm smile. She returned the gesture before a bizarre sensation captured her attention. It was as if she was standing perfectly still at the speed of light. Her body turned around on its own and sent a signal to her brain to give the order. Seconds passed into days and back before she was finally able to lay eyes on the cause of the turmoil.

A gaseous blue sphere no larger than a juggling ball hovered in front of her. The shell remained rigid as stone and clear as water while the interior rose and fell and flowed like sand in an hourglass. Screwball reached out to touch it and almost thought her hoof had gone straight through. It was weightless and textureless, like she was holding nothing but air.

“What is this?” She wasn’t entirely sure if she had actually managed to vocalize the question.

“It-it’s Brother Time,” Harmony gasped. She caught the pony’s glance and hastily clarified. “It’s his soul, in a manner of speaking. All of his unconscious energy is pulling together. This is what Death wants so he can... the others.”

Screwball looked back to the impossible thing. This ball, smaller than an apple and lighter than a feather, was time. With a little and a big T. It felt fragile and eternal all at once, and awesomely powerful. And she could take it all for herself if she wanted to.

“...So how do we keep him safe?”

“If he’s given proper time, he’ll be able to gather enough of his scattered self back to become sentient again and return to our own world. And if he’s this close to being restored, Life and Love will certainly follow soon.”

“Then I cannot believe I’m saying this, but I’ll take care of this. I’ll round them up and keep them safe. But if I so much as see another owl again, I swear...” Screwball grumbled as she opened her saddlebag and placed the spirit inside.

“Wait...”

“No, so close!” Death cried. “Nearly had it that time. Oops! You’re nearly there! Aww-haww-haww... That looked like it hurt.” He flashed his teeth in a wolfish grin and slammed Discord into the ground again. The draconequus struggled helplessly against the thick tail constricting his hands and wings and crushing his still-mending skeleton. Death wasn’t even sure if he could really be rightfully enthused about how well the ambush had worked. Physically, Discord’s strength was remarkably underwhelming. He couldn’t even wiggle out when he had him held with just the tip of his tail.

Then he bashed Discord against a boulder and felt good and enthused again.

“You don’t look too well, Brother. Don’t tell me you’ve given up! Well, if you aren’t going to try anymore, I suppose I’ll do you the kindness of letting you say goodbye to your little pet pony. Ah! There’s that zest for life! I knew I had more left to extinguish. Was that a bite just now? You’re hilarious!” Death took to the sky with Discord securely in tow to find his little friend.

It didn’t take long to find the one splotch of color against the brown landscape. Especially when it zipped right in front of his nose. Licking his lips, he covered the distance between him and the fleeing pony with a single flap of his wings.

“If it isn’t Skeeball! Just the pony I was looking for,” he said jovially, blocking her path with his body. Screwball turned to escape the other way, but Death was already there to stop her. “Don’t try going up or down, either. I might lose my patience. Tell me, do you know which cranny my milquetoast sister has hidden herself away in?”

“No.”

“If looks could kill, you’d put me out of a job,” Death laughed. He snapped his head just inches away from Screwball, keeping his bone white eye level with the flinching pony. “Of course my looks can kill, but you seem to be a lucky exception. Hm? What’s that little thing you’re trying so hard to hide from me?”

Screwball remained defiantly silent and held the ball closer to her chest.

“And why,” he paused to sniff the air around her, “do you reek of Brother Ti—” Any show of playfulness was entirely discarded, and the basilisk of Death glared at the insignificant morsel with a fierce hate. “Give that to me. Now.”

“I won’t.”

“Brother, control your pet,” Death ordered as he dangled Discord’s battered form upside-down in front of the horrified pony.

“Savvy... I don’ wanna haf my lesson t’d’y...”

“Shh... Stay strong for just a little longer.” Discord gave a drowsy nod before being yanked away.

“So unless you’d like to come down with a terrible case of dead, give me that—”

“Harmony! Now!”

At the sound of his sister’s name, Death immediately snapped his head around to spot the bird, licking at the air to catch her scent. Several seconds passed before the truth of the situation dawned on him. Ready to be proven right, he turned back around to see a purple blur speeding away. He decided to just wait a few extra seconds as punishment to himself.

“I really just fell for that. I’m so embarrassed, I wish everybody else was dead.”

Screwball flew as fast as her propeller could take her. Her heart was beating but her mind was racing faster. Of all the stupid, suicidal, and just plain Screwball ideas she ever had, spitting in the face of the Spirit of Death ranked somewhere around the top.

‘It’s fun though, right?’

A blood-curdling roar sent her mane flying in a mess around her face and nearly threw her cap off. Something snapped like a bear trap behind her hoof, making her tuck it against her stomach and speed even faster.

“I can kill GODS! I can kill YOU!”

She blindly reached into her bag and threw a water balloon behind her. Not waiting for the pop, she kept a hoof on her beanie and dove for the ground. If she brought him low enough to force him to land, she was certain she could fly faster than he could move. Veering up just before she hit the ground, Screwball tumbled in the air from the force of Death’s furious crash. He didn’t try to bite at her. Instead, he swung his head like a wrecking ball to slug her from the sky.

“Don’t tell me you’re all out of steam,” Screwball taunted at Savoir’s insistence. Death curled his lips up, baring his teeth. The giant white daggers were cemented together by a glittering, pink glue. “So no more talking? I can live with that.”

‘Don’t worry, I have more than one way to share my melodious voice with others.’

'You little nothing! How DARE you barge in here uninvited!'

‘Well! Looks like we've got a party in here.’ Screwball could practically feel the slimy beast circling around her bellicose alter ego. ‘I guess Skeeball's got more issues than I thought. Who knew that under that fuzzy, flabby shell was this vicious killer bee?’

‘Piss off, you talking belt!'

‘Fiesty! I'll have to wear gloves with this one.’

'Could you two take this outside?' Screwball cut in, feeling like a stranger in her own thoughts. But she had to stop the two buzzing migraines now before things started feeling cramped.

‘Come on, kitten, how about you and I get a room?’

‘I’m not lis-ten-ing!’

‘It’s hilarious how you have no sense of humor!’ Death threw his head back in the imitation of a laugh and brought Discord to his mouth. Wedging the mismatched horns between his gums, he picked his teeth clean as he kept his wings wrapped around himself as protection against Screwball’s barrage.

“All better. Thank you, Brother.”

Discord’s head bobbled limply under the weight of the glitter glue afro clinging to his horns. Death had heard of seeing stars, but he didn’t think it was possible to see someone else’s. Even when he had only the most tenuous grip on consciousness, his younger brother still continued to amuse him. It was almost a shame he that he had to die.

He groaned in irritation as a volley of toilet plungers suctioned along his tail. “I think you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel now.” He arched an eye at the curious expression the pony gave him, so he looked behind him to investigate them again. Goodness only knew the last thing he needed was to start growing toilets or some inane thing. He realized with surprise that the plungers were not only seemingly normal, but they were entirely harmless as well. Fascinating.

“I’ll say it again, you’re scraping the bottom,” he snarked. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Screwball holding a strange green tube over a shoulder. Something hit him, hard, and he saw his own stars when his head cracked against the ground.

“I don’t suppose there’s any hope of that stopping you,” Screwball asked dourly as she packed her boxing glove bazooka away.

“You’d be right,” Death answered. He rose back up and shook the dust from his scales. Rather than lash out for revenge, the basilisk folded his wings thoughtfully in front of himself, using one balled wingtip to balance his chin.

“You know, Skeeball, I never noticed before, but you have a certain je ne sais quoi.”

“I’m... not certain what that means.” For some reason that escaped her, Savoir Faire slapped her face.

“It’s French for I’M GOING TO EAT YOU!” Death clapped his wings against Screwball and pinned her down. “NOW GIVE ME TIME’S SOUL!”

“You... enf... mean this?” Screwball slipped her hoof out from his wing and held it up for him to see. Death’s tractor-sized eyes became narrow as keyholes.

“What... is... that?”

“It’s a juggling ball.” She demonstrated by tossing and catching the blue ball. “If you’re looking for souls, I think your sister is taking care of them on the other side of the canyon.”

He moved with the speed of a glacier, slowly releasing his hold on his two prisoners. Discord only fell through his tail as result of the tremors that raced through the basilisk with every short, shallow, poison-spewing breath. Bloodshot eyes spied a tiny orange shape cradling three lights before they drifted upward and faded away.

Death screamed.

With her mission a success, Harmony had no reason to fear for anything. She had saved all life on earth from obliteration and ensured that a peace and order would forever exist. There was nothing, not even Death in all his wrath, that could rob her of her serenity.

“You pathetic, wretched, miserable little pile of insignificant pony platitudes,” he seethed. Venom dripped from his lips and spattered on the ground. His wings surrounded her on all sides. His eyes were centered on her, wishing with every fiber of his being that she would drop dead in that instant. And she still remained unshaken at the sight of her superior.

“If Sister Nature was still with us, she would be smiling right now,” Harmony spoke. “Two of her most favorite creations were the basilisk and phoenix. I like to imagine she made them to be enemies. The serpent that can kill with a glance and the bird that can never die. You are powerless now, Brother. Twenty years. Twenty years of plotting and scheming and wicked dreams, playing with the fates of innocent creatures. And all you accomplished was starving yourself until you were as weak as me. This world is safe—”

“NOT AS LONG AS I STILL WALK AMONG IT!” Death’s tail snapped like a whip, and Harmony vanished over the horizon in a blazing fireball, leaving nothing behind but a few crimson feathers drifting on the wind. “Because guess what?” Death shouted to thin air, willing his heart to slow to allow him to reobtain his composure. “I may not be the end of all things, but I am still Death. And I can be satisfied with being the end of all life on this saccharine pony planet.”

“You just don’t know when to quit.”

The spirit greeted Discord’s arrival with an apologetic smile and a great, sweeping bow.

“I’m afraid I’ll have to put a raincheck on our final battle for now, baby brother.” Death didn’t allow time for another word and rocketed away in just a few strokes of his wings, kicking up a cloud of dust to cover his escape.

“Something that big has no right to move that fast,” Discord pouted as he cleared the dust away with an effortless wiggle of his ears.

“Discord, focus,” Screwball instructed sternly.

“I think he broke the sound barrier.”

“Priorities, Discord! He’s not hurrying off to offer help to anyone he meets. We have to stop him. Do you think you can catch up to him?”

“Hah! Does the Pope poop in the woods?”

“The what?”

“I gave a bear a fancy hat and a made-up title. The answer is yes.”

“You and your bears,” Screwball half-laughed. She climbed up to Discord’s back and piggybacked on his shoulders.

“Anyway, he’s still moving fast, but I think I have a guess about where he’s headed. Oh, this is going to be rich.”

Perhaps the entire possible ramifications of ‘a world of chaos’ had not been completely grasped. Sure, there were the roaming packs of strange, harmless animals, the unpredictable and powerful storms that ranged from being mild nuisances to mildly beneficial, the landscapes that looked like they jumped from a kindergarten filly’s art project, the over-abundance of food, and the strange things with the horizon. Death understood all of those fine enough. But when the world ceased to be a candy colored blur around him, he was not expecting the first city to fall in the cataclysm of his apocalypse to have picked up roots and walked away before he arrived.

“It was rude of you to run off like that, you know,” Discord chided as he and Screwball appeared in a flash beside him. “What sort of example is that setting for all the psychopathic snakes of the world who look up to you as a role model?”

“There was a town here.” Death’s tone was frigid and accusatory. He had suffered too many indignities to remain aloof any longer. Now, he would have answers.

“I always did hate the name of this town,” Discord replied cheekily. He lowered Screwball to the ground and after motioning for her to stay back, he cracked his knuckles, his neck, his back, and just about anything else he could manage. Fully limbered and with a careless smile on his face, the bold king sauntered up to the wicked monster, heedless of the peril he was inviting. “This has been fun, but the game is over. You lose.”

“Death is always the final wormmphmphm?!”

“I won’t apologize for taking your mouth away. If I have to hear you refer to yourself as the concept in the third person or hear another awful pun, I will scream. Anyway, you know I never liked death. The concept or you. Strange considering how I was born, but perhaps that’s all part of chaos. I don’t try to think too much about it. My point is that I’ve never enjoyed taking a life. I don’t imagine I ever will. So when you see me smiling in a minute, it’s not because I’m glad you’re dead. It’s because I’m glad no one else died.”

Death would have laughed if his mouth had not been zipped shut. And in the middle of that laugh, he would have stopped death to clutch at the burning, strangling pain that seized his lungs with knife-like claws. His half-chuckled intrigue would have been wholly regretted as the answer was given with merciless brevity and the world dimmed around him. The memory of laughter would have felt to be centuries old as he collapsed with a heavy thud and his eyes glazed over before his own all-encompassing darkness took him.

But without that crucial first step to guide the theatrical hand of Fate, all he was permitted to do was flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

“You see, it doesn’t matter if you’re a squirrel or a pony or a jabberwocky or a princess or a spirit,” Discord spoke, his voice becoming muffled in Death’s mind. “It doesn’t even matter if you don’t want to use it. But every living creature needs a heart to live.” The draconequuus playfully bopped his brother on the snout with his paw.

“And yours was just replaced with a baked potato.”

Death jerked once, twice, and went limp. An inky black spread from the tip of his tail, infecting every dried and cracked scale and turning his body a solid, textureless shade of black. A small vapor leaked from his nostrils for a moment. And then the Spirit of Death melted.

Discord held his arms to the side like an orchestra’s conductor basking in the wild applause of his adoring audience. He signaled for them to stop, then gracelessly collapsed onto his back with his eyes shut. He heard a soft ‘whump’ of grass beside him. Without even looking, he lazily raised an arm and pulled Screwball’s head closer until her cheek was against his own. They laid together for a peaceful forever, just watching the empty sky in a wordless conversation. Once he decided he needed a break from not talking, Discord opened his mouth.

“I should probably put the sun up again...” He could not even find the energy to have fun with how rough and scratchy his voice sounded.

“I think...” Screwball paused, though she was not entirely sure what for, “that it’s night by now.”

Discord’s moan was somewhere between a bear’s yawn and a goat’s bleat. “It doesn’t... it doesn’t actually matter...”

The both fell silent again to appreciate a soft tone. The sound was small and far away, but somewhere in the distance, a bird was chirping. It was not musical or melodious, yet the two loved every note.

“Hey...” Discod nudged his head to the side. “Hey... Screwball... is this how... you thought this would... would all happen?”

“What do you think? But listen... You’re not allowed... to be that scary ever again... understand?”

“Actually...” Screwball wasn’t certain which she was more worried by, the tone of the single word or the devious mask he donned as he rose up. “I’m going to have to be scary one more time.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to bring my family back.”

“You’re WHAT?!”

There wasn’t enough time to scramble to her hooves for a proper protest. A series of small lights blinked around them, leaving behind a rabbit, a pink earth pony filly, and a robotic schnauzer all shouting at an iguana.

The bunny was visibly the most furious, hopping up and down and stomping her enormous feet with resentment. “I can’t believe you!”

“You know, if it was any of the others trying to take over the world I doubt you would be getting so upset over this,” the iguana retaliated. “Love can make a town have an orgy and it’s just a quirk. But ooh, when Death tries to kill everyone, he’s evil.”

“You are evil.”

“If it’s wrong to be an overachiever, then I don’t want to be right.”

Time extended his tongue, brought it to his nose, and withdrew it, though remained wholly unsure as to the reason why. “Brother, Sister, I believe we may be facing a new predicament that requires our immediate attention.”

“Oh sweet felicity, he’s a giant now,” Love half gulped at the sight of the draconequus looking smugly down at his family.

“What is the meaning of this?” Life exclaimed as the gravity of the situation began to dawn on her. She had a body again, a new one. It should have been impossible for any other spirit to even be able to grant them physical form. But the fact that they had been forcibly stuffed into them and dragged away was—it was unthinkable! “How is this even possible?!”

Discord laughed twice in the same sort of way that is usually followed by someone saying ‘Kids say the darndest things.’

“I really would have thought you would know better by now to ask those kinds of questions. But if you’d like to know why you’re here, it’s because I wanted to have a little chat with my... family.”

Death immediately tripped Life with his tail and began to flee for his safety. He had no idea how he was meant to work the damned things sticking out from his side. In his experiences, limbs were something that were either blown or gnawed off, or they were locked in place from rigor mortis. But he still had scales, so it served to reason that slithering was still an option.

“I know that rolling in the grass can be fun, but try to focus.” Discord pinched his brother by the tip of his tail and lifted him up, sending him into a frenzy of scrambling and flailing legs and muscles. “If you keep fighting like that, I’m going to drop you on your head.” With Death made compliant and back in position with the others, Discord strutted in a line in front of the four, like a teacher preparing to give a lecture.

“You four have been an enormous pain for me, do you know that? As if I didn’t have enough to deal with, you’ve done nothing but try to make my life that much harder. And every time we met, it always involved you doing something horrible and ended with me sending you packing. I think I’ve been exceedingly forgiving so far, and I see no reason to stop that now.”

Discord crouched and hung his head low to look the others face to face with a dopey grin. The few that were capable of smiling forced a grimace, hopeless to even think of any other option available to them at that point.

“Really, I only want to clear the air and say that there’s no hard feelings about the whole thing.”

Somehow, the news sounded to be too good to be true. Love and Life shared a sideways glance only to consolidate their suspicion, as doubt and mortal terror are always best when shared with others. Time would have joined in the sentiment, though there was some strange itching in his lower region that demanded attention.

“So... is that all?” Love asked, hoping against hope for an affirmation.

“Yes, that’s it,” Discord answered with a careless wave of his hand. He turned his back to the spirits and took a single step forward. Once he heard the collective sigh of relief, he immediately pivoted back to them. One could almost hear the breaths being vacuumed back in. “Actually, while I have you all here, I would like to say one more thing.

“Just in case you haven’t been paying attention, the theme of the last few years is ‘change.’ And right now, you are looking at the Spirit of Change. Equestria belongs to me. This is my kingdom, these are my ponies, and I will do everything within my power to protect them from anything stupid enough to threaten them.”

The spirits squirmed in place. Their every animal instincts were telling them to run for their lives, though they didn’t dare to run. He did not raise his voice or snarl. He did not glare venomously with the fury of a creature of chaos. Discord’s voice remained peaceful, almost friendly. Then he smiled. And that was the worst thing.

“I am going to let you all go this time with just this warning. If I ever think that even one of you is a danger to my kingdom, I will not hesitate to destroy each and every one of you. And now you’re scared. Because you know that I can. And even worse, you know that I will.”

Life could not contain herself any longer. “Brother Chaos, you cannot do this!” Discord pressed his talons together between her eyes. She did not know if he was even looking at her. All she could do was keep her eyes on the slender yellow fingers pitched in front of her. Love and Death shuffled a millimeter away, just in case things became chaotic.

“Don’t ever tell me what I can’t do. I am King Discord, Lord of all Equestria and the Spirit of Chaos. This is my world now.” He pulled his hand away but kept his fingers together as he rose up to his full height. And in that single moment, he was more gargantuan than any basilisk. “And for your sake, you should hope this is the last time we meet. Arrivederci.”

A snap, a flash, and the Spirits of Equestria disappeared forever.

“Okay,” Discord groaned and gave his aching head a rub. “I think that after today, I’ve earned a few ballads to be written in my honor. What do you say we go row a rubber ducky out and find some seaponies?”

Screwball had her attention on something hiding in the grass. He wasn’t sure what she was looking at, but it was making her visibly unhappy. There could only be one explanation for her to be such a sourpuss at a time like this: she was thinking again.

“Hey, Scroob, you don’t have to look so excited. We only saved the entire world.”

That seemed to shake her out of her daze a bit, but she still held her nervous, pensive expression. “Sorry, I was just thinking about... things.”

“It’s fine, Screwy, you don’t have to say.” In one smooth movement, he scooped her underneath his arm and patted her on the head. “I know what’s bothering you.”

“Y-you do?”

Discord let her see his nod before he put his other hand on her side. He held her out in front of him and plopped her down on his shoulders to rest on his neck. “Don’t worry, I’m going to start weening off the chaos.”

“Oh. Well I’m glad.”

“Frankly, the whole nuttiness has been more trouble than it’s worth. I’m draining myself just to come up with new ideas every day!” he wailed overdramatically. “So I think I’ll give it a rest for a good while... Well, at least for the most part.”

“That’s very noble of you, Your Highness.” He felt her posture on his neck become more relaxed. “And I’ll be sure you keep your promise.”

“I’ll hold you to that, my loyal advisor,” he responded with mock formality. “Besides! There’s so much I have to show you! There’s a whole other world outside of Equestria! Once, I found an island with trees that grew eggs! I didn’t even have anything to do with it! Sure, they were hard and hairy and brown and the yolks were creamy, but still! Egg trees! And if we want to see it all, we’ll have to get started now!”

“There’s no rush...” Screwball sighed a sad, secret sigh. “We have all the time in the world.”

Celestia kicked every rock she came across while stomping alongside a vegemite-paved path, ignoring the occasional angry chitter from the stones. The sun was high in the sky again, though it had been outfitted with a goofy smiling face. It was obvious what it meant, and she could hardly stand the humiliation. Discord had saved the world. He had plunged her world into his mad tyranny for decades and then he had the gall to try to play the hero. Worst of all, he had succeeded! She had spent twenty years trying to save the world from him, and when the Equestria was threatened with total annihilation, he strutted up and saved the day. She would have been happy if stopping the apocalypse meant things would finally be set right again. But now, things would be worse than ever for her.

“I can already hear him. ‘Hey, Celestia, I saved the world in an afternoon. What’s taking you so long? Do you think I should I make it rain strawberry or pistachio for my victory parade?’ Uragh! I just wish there was something I could do!” She pulled her hoof back for another kick and just narrowly avoided punting the broken animal lying helpless on the ground.

She created a magic pillow beneath the poor thing and lifted it up to take a better look and see the damage. Whatever it was, she was certain it was within her power to help. At least she could play veterinarian until she reclaimed her throne. A gentle push of magic turned the animal onto its back, and Celestia’s eyes grew to the size of saucers.

“A real phoenix! Oh good heavens, let me help.” She tapped the bird’s chest with her horn and watched as the phoenix’s wings and body mended in seconds. “Does that feel better? Can you fly?” She received her answer when the bird sprung to life and flew in circles around her head and horn, chirping joyfully and rubbing her beak against her cheek.

“You certainly are affectionate!” Celestia laughed as the bird perched gently on her outstretched leg. “How would you like to stay with my sister and me for a while? I’ll take that dancing as a yes. What should I call you?” She cocked her head to the side and looked at the bird in contemplation, trying to let the name come to her. A spark of inspiration floated into her ears and into her eyes, making them light up like candles.

“Do you like the name Philomena?”