//------------------------------// // Chapter 5: Finagle's Law // Story: Hired Gun // by Gyvon //------------------------------// "I can't believe you two." "It wasn't what it looked like, I swear!" "Yeah, sure it wasn't. I know my sister too well to fall for that." After Wasp walked in on Wisp and I that morning, there was a silent agreement to never speak of that again. Unfortunately, such an agreement was not fated to last through two boring hours on the train. There was no bad blood between us. I was just bored and he needed to vent. What's worse, I felt exposed. The train car was empty, and I was disguised as a unicorn, but I still wore my full suit of body armor. I went from the hotel to the train with only my vest and duster, but slipped my pants on after boarding. I wasn't comfortable using my weapons with telekinesis, and even more uncomfortable fighting without pants. Twilight was no help mediating our argument. She had buried herself in a book the moment we took our seats in the last train car, and was making a pointed effort to ignore us. Hell, I wasn't really gonna complain. I just wish she'd brought something not written in Magic Script, or "wingdings" as I like to call it. She slapped me with a book when I commented on that. Wisp, on the other hand, seemed to be doing her best to antagonize her brother. Every time our argument would draw to a close, she'd imply something that we might have done last night to lead him on. For the record, nothing happened. I slept the whole night through. Our faux-argument lasted an hour, before being rudely interrupted when Twilight forcefully closed her book and slammed it onto the table. "Alright, I need answers, and I need them now!" she said, almost yelling at us. "I plead the Fifth," I replied. It was instinctual. I doubt they had a Fifth Amendment. "The what?" asked Twilight, confirming my suspicions. It only threw her off for a moment, however. She shook her head before continuing. "Nevermind. I need to know how that amulet works! A two hour time limit unless it's not being worn? That goes against everything I've read in 'Quickspell's Guide to Alteration and Transformation'!" "Twilight," Wisp responded flatly. "Quickspell was a brilliant sorcerer, true, but he fell into the same trap as most great magicians before him." She paused and looked around the car, most likely checking that we were still alone. "Changeling and unicorn magic are completely different. It's like comparing apples to oranges." Stunned, Twilight could only blink. "So, you're saying that Quickspell was wrong?" "Oh, no no no no," replied Wisp. "I'm just saying he didn't take everything into account. Can't really blame him. Back then, changelings were practically unheard of." "Girls, could you please keep it down?" I pleaded quietly. "I don't want anyone overhearing you talk openly about changelings. It could lead to trouble for us." "Sorry," they both muttered. I'll admit, I was getting antsy, and was probably being too cautious. Taking the train was probably a bad call on my part. It didn't help that I was under equipped for this job. All I had was a pair of handguns, when I could really use a semi-auto rifle or, even better, a shotgun. Ah well, at least I had a new knife, though "knife" was an understatement. At twelve inches long, the single-edged, clip-pointed blade was almost a sword. Apparently, it's a standard-issue fighting knife for griffon soldiers, and I can believe it. Its sheath attached easily enough to my belt, and I could draw it smoothly both manually and telekinetically. "So..." I began, "you were talking about different types of magic?" Hey, it was a neat subject. I just wanted them to keep it on the down low. "Oh yes," said Wisp, instantly picking up on what I was saying. "The magic used to enchant James' amulet is, well, different from what most unicorns use, follows its own rules, and frankly considered kinda weird even by its own practitioners." Twilight looked like a kid in a candy store. She was definitely an egghead, and Magic was her specialty. "Is it possible for me to learn this type of magic?" "Possible, yes, but it would be very difficult," Wisp replied. "Still," Wasp interjected, "that doesn't explain why that enchantment has a time limit. I may have fallen asleep in enchantment class, but even I know that time limits on transformation amulets are unnecessary. Wisp began sweating, as her pupils shrunk to pinpricks. God, pony facial expressions are easy to read. "Alright, I'll come clean," she sighed in defeat. "You see, the transformation spell, kinda, er, messes with your mind." "I'm sorry, what was that?" I asked, narrowing my eyes threateningly. "It messes with your mind, alright! There, I said it!" You ever feel your eye twitch uncontrollably? Feels weird, doesn't it? "It WHAT?" "Calm down calm down calm down!" she pleaded frantically. "It's really not as bad as it sounds." "Explain." Needless to say, something screwing around with my brain did not sit well with me, and was doing nothing good for my blood pressure. The fact that I was CURRENTLY TRANSFORMED did not help my mental state either. Too bad that wasn't a figure of speech. "Ok then, bear with me before you decide to shoot me, please," she said. I nodded, but mentally was making no promises. "You see, yes, it does some rearranging of your gray matter. This allows you to have an easier time moving around, and imparts natural body language. Now, there are some theoretical risks involved, but every single test subject, and there have been thousands, has shown almost zero repercussions for remaining transformed, and the ones that did were extreme cases." I raised an eyebrow inquisitively. "Whadya mean, 'extreme cases'." "The extreme cases remained in a transformed for months at a time before any negative effects even began to show up, and those were always negligible," she replied. I felt most of my anger melt away, but there was one loose thread. "And... the time limit?" "A safety precaution, nothing more," she said. "I could've made it a permanent enchantment, but I felt that, with your... unique biology, I should play it safe with a short time limit." "So..." I began, "I don't have to worry too much about staying in a transformed state so long as I change back regularly." Wisp nodded enthusiastically. "It helps that you transform into a sentient being. If it were, say, a chicken or shadowclaw you transformed into, then there might be more problems." There was one word I didn't fully understand in that sentence. "What the hell is a 'shadowclaw'?" "Big, mean, nasty, desert predator," Wasp supplied. "Imagine the bastard child of a gorilla and a crocodile, scale it up to the size of a small elephant, and add claws that can shred through six inches of steel as if it were nothing." After hearing that synopsis, I felt the color drain out of my coat. With predators like that roaming around, how the hell did pastel-colored ponies become the dominant species? "That's not the worst part," added Twilight. "Older shadowclaws can use magic to turn invisible for brief periods. Unless you can sense magic, you won't even know they're there until they pounce." At this point, I was wishing that I'd worn brown pants. Thankfully, a series of loud thumping noises coming from the roof distracted me. I tapped my amulet twice, and drew Black Betty from her holster once the transformation process was finished. I motioned for my charges to get down, which they followed with zero hesitation. I quietly stalked forward, approaching the door to the next car carefully. Reaching the door, I stole a glance through the window. In between the cars was six feet of open space, with a platform on the end of each car and a one foot gap in between. Standing in this space was a pair of griffon warriors, decked in scale-mail and carrying large halberds. My mind began analyzing possible scenarios, none of which were good. My fears were confirmed after a portly stallion exited the back of the next car. I can't read lips worth a damn, but it appeared that he was asking what the hell was going on. That's when I was alerted to the presence of a third griffon. The bird-lion swooped down quickly and skewered the poor bastard, pinning the stallion to the next car. I took that as my cue. I barreled through the door, and aimed Black Betty at the culprit. The murderer didn't even see me as I pulled the trigger. With a loud *crack-BOOM*, Betty launched her half-inch projectile. I don't want to say that the griffon's head exploded, but it sure looked like it did. The bullet continued its deadly path into the next train car, and I hoped that nopony was in its way. The other two griffons gave a fearful squawk and took off. I allowed myself a smug grin... until I heard glass breaking in my train car. Cursing to myself, I retreated into my car to see a pair of griffons trying to squeeze in through the windows. I say "trying", because the windows were a little too small, and they appeared to be stuck. Not wanting to waste more of my .500 S&W ammo, I holstered Betty, drew my knife and charged. One griffon managed to get a talon through by the time I reached it. I sidestepped a swipe from its claw before jamming my knife through its neck. With my foe dispatched, I turned to check on Twilight and the changelings before moving on to the next. Apparently, Twilight managed to raise a purple shield, keeping the three of them safe. At least that mare has a good head on her shoulders. I turned back to kill the remaining griffon, only to find that it had abandoned its attempt to squeeze through the window, and was flying off into the distance. This time, I didn't relax. I'd almost been caught flat footed once during this engagement and was not about to make the same mistake twice. Good thing, too, as I heard what sounded like an axe chopping through the metal roof. Looking around, I found an axehead piercing the roof near the middle of the car. Drawing Betty once again, I moved underneath the hole they were cutting, and waited. They appeared to be cutting a standard square hole big enough for a griffon to drop through. As the griffons continued chopping, I swept my vision over the other entrances, lest they swing around and flank me. It took nearly two minutes to cut three sides of a square. When the third side was finished, the axehead slipped in and levered the newly-made lid up enough for a griffon to grasp it. The lid was peeled back, allowing sunlight to hit my face. It was soon blocked by the head of a griffon. Not for long, though, as I shot it in the head as well. I didn't have time to celebrate, as I was tackled moments later. Clever girl. I was too focused on the roof, and the griffon used that as a distraction. Must've flown through the already opened door while I took out its flockmate (is that the right term?) Either way, I'd been had. The griffon slammed me face first into the floor, and pressed its surprisingly prodigious weight down on me. I couldn't move, and knew I was good as dead, until a lime-green bolt of magic hit the griffon and knocked it all the way to the back door of the car. I flipped over and saw that Twilight had dropped her shield, revealing Wisp in her changeling form and visibly pissed. Her silvery, gossamer mane floated as if it were underwater and her eyes glowed white as a bright green aura wrapped around her sharp horn. Wasp's wings buzzed as he flew over me to check on the griffon that his sister took care of, and hopefully to cover the back door. Twilight, it seemed, had shifted her focus and now had a shield over the new skylight and keeping anymore griffons from coming in that way. With those two avenues of approach covered, I turned my attention to the front door... "Oh you son of a-" A griffon had landed in between the cars, this one wearing more ornate, plate-mail armor. I took this to mean that it was the leader. It was not charging blindly. Instead, it pulled a lever and decoupled our car with the rest of the train. I raised Betty again and fired. This time the bullet impacted the griffon's breastplate and punched a hole clean through. I must've gotten a lung, as it collapsed immediately and began wheezing. Still, the damage was done, and the rest of the train was slowly but steadily pulling away. We may have survived, but the opposition definitely won. My only question was why? Why would griffons attack us? Were they bandits and we just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? I doubted that, as their armor looked to be too high quality for bandits. I ran out the door to see if there were more griffons to be worried about. Fortunately, the only ones I saw were flying away. I still kept my guard up, knowing that some could've stayed hidden on the roof of the train, and with no ladder nearby I couldn't easily check. A loud screeching noise reached my ears. It sounded like someone had put the brakes on the car. It took six minutes before the car stopped. I waited patiently for a full minute, but nothing else happened. It looked like the griffons just left us for dead in the middle of the desert. Fortunately for us, I prepared for such an eventuality. "Well," I began, "it looks like we're hoofing it from here on out." I turned around to face my wards, only to recieve shocked looks from Twilight and Wisp. "What?" I asked. Wisp silently pointed a hoof towards me. Specifically, towards my right side. Curious, I reached down with my hand, and felt something wet and tacky. I looked down and saw that I was bleeding. Damn bird must've tagged me after blindsiding me. With all the adrenaline running through my system, I guess I just didn't notice it. "Ah fuck." "Gah!" "Oh, quit complaining," admonished Wisp as she finished dousing my wound with vodka. I might not've felt the wound, but the patch job hurt like a son of a bitch. "At least use the cheap booze, for christ's sake!" She just chuckled at my predicament as she levitated a needle and thread. "You're lucky I have some medical training. I'd hate to see Wasp try and stitch you up." "You just wanted an excuse to feel me up, didn't you?" I joked. "Well, yeah, but I didn't think that needed to be said." Ooh, this girl's got some fight in her. Still, I have to admit, her needlework was impressive. I didn't feel anything except some mild pressure as she closed my wound. I've had worse patch jobs from Corpsmen, as evidenced by a few scars here and there on my chest. "What happened here?" she asked, pointing to one round scar near my heart. "Sniper tagged me from two hundred meters out," I said. "Half an inch either way and I would've been toast," She gave me an impressed whistle. "That's luck," she said. "I don't know whether it's good or bad luck, but it's definitely luck." A few moments later, the wound was closed and she inspected it, all while wearing a pleased smile on her face. "There we go." With that said, she made a noise like someone hocking a monstrous loogie. Turns out, that's exactly what she did, right on my newly stitched wound. "What the fuck!" This was definitely a nine on my grossometer. "That's to keep the wound airtight," she explained. "Trust me, it's completely sterile. It'll harden in a few second and it'll do a better job covering that cut than bandages." Sure enough, not a moment after she finished her explanation, the goop was hard as a rock. I guessed that it was a normal part of changeling medical practices. Still disgusting, but I'd manage. "Alright then," I exclaimed as I stood up. "Is that inventory I ordered done?" "Yes sir," Wasp answered, even though I didn't order him to take inventory. "Twilight's double checking, but she said that it looks like we have everything we need for a trip across the desert. Water might be a problem until we reach the first way station, but afterwards we'll be in the clear." "Good, good. What about what I asked you to do? Those griffons have any identifying marks on them?" "About that..." Ok, I could tell that this wasn't gonna be good. "Their armor matches what the Sikskysher use." I blinked. "Translation please?" Wisp piped in her two cents. "Officially, the Sikskysher are bandits. They rape, pillage, and murder anyone they set their eyes on." I'm hearing a but in there. "Unofficially?" "It's just a rumor, but some say that they're funded out of the Griffon King's own pocket." Great, State-sponsored terrorists. As if this job wasn't complicated enough I get this giant 'fuck you'. Still, it only added further questions. How did they know we'd be on the train? Why would the griffons want to waylay a peace treaty? Hell, that's even assuming these bandits were ordered to attack us specifically. We might've just been in the wrong place at the wrong time. My thoughts were interrupted when Twilight came trotting up. "I've double checked our supplies, and we should be fine, barring any more unforeseen complications," she informed me. "I even took the liberty of dividing everything out. We're ready to leave at any time." I gotta admit, Twilight has a good head on her shoulders. "Good. Everyone relax. We're gonna wait a few hours and let the sun come down a bit before heading out." "Do you have a plan?" asked Twilight. "Yes," I replied. "We only travel in the early morning and late afternoon, and we keep in the shade during the hottest part of the day. Don't bother rationing your water. Many people have died of dehydration with their canteens still half full." "That's gotta be embarrassing," said Wasp. I honestly had to agree with him. "You do know where we're going, right?" I asked him as I began putting my clothes back on. He levitated a map over and rolled it out on the floor. His horn glowed once again and he appeared to be staring off in space for a moment, before placing a holey hoof on the map next to the train tracks. "We're about right here," he said. I was never the best at land nav, but I had to agree with his assessment. "The closest way station is about five miles to the east of us. It should only take a couple hours to reach it." "What're we looking for there?" "Nothing fancy," he said. "Just an oasis with three date palms and a ruined building. These way stations have been abandoned ever since the railroad was built and Land's End was settled. Easier to just take the train north than crossing the desert on hoof." I paused a moment to soak this information in. We had a solid plan of attack, but there are still a bunch of unknowns. Murphy will definitely have plenty of chances to fuck with us in the future. It was a little after four in the afternoon when we headed out, loaded down like a bunch of pack mules. I had changed into "unicorn mode" as I began calling it, as I suspected that I'd be faster that way. I was worried at first that the fur coat plus body armor plus leather jacket would be unbearably hot, but Twilight had a solution for me. During our downtime, she had managed to enchant my outfit to keep me relatively comfortable no matter what the weather was like. It was still hot as balls out, but I wasn't boiling under all my layers. God, I wish we'd had her in Iraq. She would've made things so much easier for us grunts. We set off at a gallop. Our first stop was a ways away, and I doubted we'd make it until after nightfall, even running at full speed. Still, despite the giant setback, I was feeling confident. While we have been sidetracked, we still have a very good shot at successfully reaching Canterlot. And, of course, now that I've said that, Murphy and Finagle are gonna tag-team my ass all the way there.