I awoke feeling the absolute worst I could remember being conscious for, and I feared I was experiencing the beginning of a blackout, but the iron road sign had clearly decided to take a break that day, because although the pain was awful it did not worsen. I lay my head back down on the makeshift pillow my front legs made and shifted uncomfortably. Although I was very sore of brain and desired nothing more than to remain where I was until some relief came to me, my partaking of copious liquids the previous night meant I needed another form of relief as well, and soon.

I’ll admit that I half considered going then and there, and to Tartarus with the consequences of pissing on whatever kind soul’s property I currently lay upon. Assuming that I hadn’t been picked up by the police. I hadn’t actually looked around myself (everything had been a swirl of colourful pain when I first opened my eyes) so I had no idea where I was. Deciding that it would be bad to not make use of an actual bathroom, I maintained control of my bladder for the time being and slowly opened one eye.

Well manure, I thought, I’ve gone blind. That is quite literally the last thing I need. Then I realised I was just looking at a wall and opened the other eye as well.

I was in the bar from last night. Perhaps the mare I had crashed into had convinced the barman to let me stay there? If I ever saw her again I would need to thank her, and apologise for being so blootered.

“AH, YOU’RE AWAKE AT LAST?” The barman was not actually screaming into my ears, nor in fact raising his voice above normal levels, but my brain didn’t like the noise nonetheless and I clasped my hooves over my ears and howled, which didn’t help how I was feeling one little bit.

“Heh, I guess you’re not much of a drinker, huh son?” he continued, his words no longer barbed with fiery thorns but coated in amusement.

“Could say that…” I mumbled after a moment or two of massaging my temples.

“That nice mare you almost flattened asked me to put you up for the night, and you don’t say no to Fluttershy’s eyes…” he chuckled to himself.

“Fluttershy? You know her?” I started to get up, one hoof still at my temple, and he nodded.

“Yeah, she and that daredevil friend of hers used to come in here all the time back in the day. But that’s another story.” He looked a little guilty for a moment, as if he had let slip something he shouldn’t have, but quickly recovered and pulled a note from behind the bar.

“Asked me to give you this.” He hoofed it over, and the letters swam before my eyes initially before I blinked them into clarity.

You should come to Ponyville today. I’ll tell my friends
about you, and I’m sure they’ll be willing to help as much
as they can. Once you get here, just ask anypony to point
you in the right direction and they’ll show you the way.
Remember, you’re looking for Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow
Dash.
Fluttershy

It looked as if she might have started to put an ‘x’ after her name, but had then thought better of it and crossed it out. Ah well.

“Well, that sounds easy enough. Do I owe you anything other than an apology for passing out on your doorstep?”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. You might want to freshen up before you go, though. Come on, I’ll show you to the bathroom.”
I thanked him, relieved myself, washed myself, thanked him again and stepped out onto the street. It was about midday by this point, so plenty of ponies were going to and fro in Cloudsdale.

I made to join the throng, walking purposefully down the street before realising I had no idea how to get to Ponyville. And so began the next few hours of hardship, which I shall skip for convenience.

Ponyville. What a strange name for a place. Considering how long ponies have inhabited the land of Equestria it’s amazing that nopony thought of calling their centre of dwelling “Pony-something” before, but once you consider just how strange the idea is you realise why it was never done before, and hasn’t been done since.

Still, names aside it’s a very nice little place. Only a couple of hours’ train ride to Canterlot, traditionally built with primarily thatched-roof houses, surrounded by fields and rolling countryside… first glances would see an idyll. And in many ways it is.

For one thing, there really are more mares than stallions, and they really are very attractive. As I walked along the town’s main street my head was turning this way and that to take in the sheer volume of eye-candy casually strolling along beside me, or chatting outside cafes, or selling their wares from stalls, or whatever.

I’m not sexist. I do not see a mare as nothing more than a piece of meat to be pounced upon. But I challenge any healthy, red-blooded stallion unaccustomed to Ponyville to take a walk along its streets without risking embarrassing himself in some way.

For fear of the above, I approached one of the few stallions milling around to ask for directions. He was a big fella, red coat and orange mane, standing beside a cart selling delicious-looking apples. His cutie mark was an apple sliced down the middle, the cut side facing outwards. I thought he may have something to do with apples. But that’s just a guess.

“Excuse me, do you know where I can find a Miss Twilight Sparkle and a Miss Rainbow Dash?”

“Eeyup.” …ok then. He just stood there, chewing on a stalk of wheat with a glazed expression on his face. Clearly a prompt was required for continued information.

“Oh, sorry, Ah was miles away. They’re both over at Miss Rarity’s shop, the Carousel Boutique. Ye’ll find it down yonder road.” He pointed along a street to my left before finally considering my appearance.

“Nothing gets past you!” I grinned, hoping to invoke a similar response. He just kept chewing that stalk of wheat.

“Weeeell, I’ll be off then,” I said, wanting to get away from the awkwardness as quickly as possible.

The Carousel Boutique wouldn’t have looked out of place in the fashion district of Canterlot. As its name suggests, it has the appearance of a highly stylised fairground ride made into a building. Flashy, eye-catching, and guaranteed to make an impression on whoever passes it. I ignored all of that and just walked in. Fashion-shmashion.

A little bell tinkled as I pushed the door open. The large showroom area was devoid of living ponies, but there were several mannequins dressed in examples of the proprietor’s work lining the sides of the room. I didn’t get a chance to examine any of these fine dresses (yes, fashion-shmashion, but I can still appreciate good clothes thanks to my parents’ tastes. Again I say: “Come at me bro!”) because a cultured mare’s voice called out from somewhere in a backroom.

“We’re in here, darling! Just come on through!” She clearly thought I was somepony else, but at the same time I didn’t want to just stand around an empty showroom.

It would be best to make my presence known, I thought, so I headed towards what I assumed were some fitting rooms.

Hang about. You’re going to walk in on some mare/mares getting changed? Well, no. I had every intention of knocking and announcing who I was. I’ve been raised properly. STBU.

As I approached the appropriate door I began to hear conversation. By the sounds of things there were two others besides the first, and it was these two who were getting fitted, although not necessarily at their own behest.

“C’mon, Rarity, how much longer is this gonna take? I’ve been doing your froufrou stuff for hours already, and I’m overdue for a nap as it is!” This second mare had a slightly husky sounding voice, but it was too even and regular to not be natural for her. To be honest it didn’t actually sound all that bad, and if anything it was rather alluring.

“Now Rainbow, darling, it’s only been forty minutes at maximum, and this side is almost…done! There we are! What do you think, Twilight?”

“It looks wonderful, Rarity, as always!” The third was far smoother voiced than the other mare being fitted, and although not as cultured as this “Rarity”, could definitely be described as sounding nice. “Cute”, in fact, was the word which sprang to mind.

“Excellent! Now, just a few little tweaks and your own should be done as well. Rainbow, be a dear and pass me those scissors? Wait, wait, never mind, I’ll get them. The fixings haven’t been set properly yet, so: Don’t. Move.”

Rainbow and Twilight? That was too much of a coincidence to be any other mares than my targets. I paused and knocked lightly.

“Oh! It’s not Pinkie at all. Hold on a moment, girls, I’ll see who it is.” The door opened slightly and a unicorn mare (I’d call her beautiful but it kind of goes without saying in Ponyville) with a white coat and curled purple mane stuck her head out.

“I’m so sorry darling, but I’m afraid I’m rather caught up with some other customers at the moment and must have forgotten to put the sign up. If you would like I can arrange an appoint…” She trailed off as her eyes adjusted to the darker corridor and was able to look at me properly, before quickly stepping out of the room and flicking on the lights above us.

“Oh my goodness! Your colours are just fabulous!” she gushed, quickly invading my personal space as she examined my mane and coat in great detail. She was rather too close for me to be entirely comfortable, but I didn’t get this degree of attention very often (well, at all, for reasons previously described) so it’s not as if I minded.

“I’ve never come across another Rainbow Pegasus besides my friend Rainbow Dash before! Your mane is glossier than hers, but that’s probably just because she hardly pays any attention to it… Oh I simply must fit you in for an appointment for a suit or something! I do a little colt fashion, but I’ve never had the opportunity to make something for a stallion with anything like your palette before! Oh I can picture it now! Maybe a jacket in a shade darker than your coat, just to bring out your own colour even more…”

“Um…” I began, but it was clear the mare was in a world of her own; I would just have to grin and bear it as she examined me and made measurements with a tape measure she had magicked from… somewhere. I had to admit that she was very gentle of hoof and was in no way rough, but unfortunately this, coupled with the fact that she was really hot, turned the examination into a rather… stimulating experience. I was in danger of losing it and pomfing her in the face with my wings at any second.

I quickly decided that looking at my tail too was a bit much, so I wrenched my self-control back from wherever it had been hiding, gave it a slap around the face and shoved it forwards to fend for itself.

“E-excuse me miss, c-could you please stop?” My plea came out rather higher and louder than I had intended, but can you blame me? The mare froze in position, a goodly portion of my tail still clutched in her hooves, her gaze shifted from it to the rest of me, and she took it all in: my reddened cheeks, my fast and heavy breathing, my wings fluttering uncomfortably as they were held flat against my sides… Her eyes initially narrowed in confusion, before it finally dawned on her just how she had made me feel.

Have to say, I’ve heard of eyebrows rising in shock, but I’ve never heard of eyelashes blasting off. Maybe it’s a Unicorn thing?

“Oh my word! I am so, so incredibly sorry, sir!” She dropped my tail instantly and backed away, looking utterly ashamed of herself.

“Please forgive me! I get terribly carried away when my mind is on fashion and my friend Rainbow won’t let me do anything much with her mane and tail so I thought I might have had an opportunity with you but now you won’t want anything to do with my ideas and that’s absolutely understandable but−”

Rarity, as I assumed her to be, seemed to be having a panic attack, and was rambling on faster than I could understand. Despite her being the one at “fault” for the situation, such as it was, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. She clearly considered herself very much the lady, and no doubt was going into meltdown at that time for what she probably considered a disgraceful lack of control.

“Listen, listen,” I interrupted, raising my hooves in an effort to calm her, “it’s alright, honestly. No harm done, after all.” I smiled a little, still struggling to control my wings but managing to slow my breathing down to an acceptable speed.

“R-really?” she asked, blinking in surprise. I nodded, giving her what I hoped was a more winning smile, and she seemed to calm down.

“Oh, well… thank you. Although I must apologise again: that was exceptionally unladylike behaviour, just… just using you like that without even asking permission. I hope you will let me make it up to you?”

…was that her trying to bat her eyelashes at me without any eyelashes? It looked really weird, I can tell you that.

“Th-that won’t be necessary, but thank you anyway. I’m actually here to find somepony. Someponies. I think they might be in there:” I motioned towards the dressing room, “Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash? I think they should be expecting me, but perhaps not here. Or right now precisely, either.”

“Twilight and Rainbow? Expecting you? Ooh! Are you the stallion Fluttershy was talking about? Some problem with his wings?”

“Rarity? Is everything okay out there? We’re kind of afraid to move…” The third mare called out to her friend, clearly confused by how long it was taking Rarity to blow me off. Send me away. Celestia save me…

“Coming darling!” she called, before turning back to me. “Actually, I have an idea! How would you like to see my two newest creations before they are displayed before the public? I would love to know what you think of them!” She didn’t actually wait for me to respond, but began pushing me inside.

“It’s the least I can do after, ahem, earlier, and you’ll be able to see Twilight and Rainbow Dash as well!” Fully convinced that a viewing of her work was ample apology for my discomfort, the highly fashionable Unicorn stood beside me and forced me to look upon said work.

(I should explain here that the following takes place over about five seconds, with certain details related to me afterwards due to my attention being taken up by other things at the time. Please forgive my attempts at dress description.)

The two mares in mostly completed dresses looked at me in a combination of surprise and embarrassment.

Rainbow Dash (another Rainbow Pegasus, with a pale blue coat and a cutie mark of a multi-coloured lightning bolt coming from a cloud. Wait, you knew her already?) wore a bold and deceptively complicated mini dress or tunic with long sleeves. The article had a base of white with a spectrum of colour streaming forward from the rear, red in the centre and others to either side. A modest straight collar rose from just behind her neck to about the base of her skull and quickly fell away forwards, leaving a small gap below her throat before the button-up front began. The spectrum split where the collar rose and curled down her forelegs in separate looping spirals before fading back to white again, with each sleeve ending in a decorative upturned cuff above either hoof. The look was completed by her mane and tail, which were left to hang naturally instead of being styled. The end result almost looked somewhat masculine, but this actually suited the lithe Pegasus’ athletic build more than a flowing gown would have.

The dress of Twilight Sparkle (a lavender unico−huh? You know her too? How come?) was far simpler, eschewing the “cool” of Rainbow Dash’s in favour of old-fashioned classical elegance. It was formed from a single piece of deep red satin which shimmered slightly in the light, held together at the front with silver clasps in the shape of small stars. It was cut and stitched perfectly to display the curvy Unicorn’s shapely frame whilst still maintaining her modesty (Disclaimer: she was not fat; yes, “curvy” can sometimes be used as a euphemism, but that was not the case here). Her mane was styled into an elaborate lattice on top of her head behind her horn, whilst her tail and cutie mark were obscured beneath the dress.

My brain orgasmed at the sight of these two and promptly decided to half shut down.

Hues: The Haphazard Tale of Lilac Dreams

by Jet Cannon

Chapter Two: in which the Protagonist wakes with the previously hinted-at hangover and makes His way to the town of Ponyville