"I have heard of a smile, yes," I said, blinking. "We make each other do it a lot, right?"
Rivershine raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed. I kept up my quizzical gaze long enough for her to soften her glare. "Oh, you're not joking."
"I don't think I am, no."
"Okay, I'll explain." River took another deep breath. "I'm an agent for the Secret Monster Intelligence League of Equestria."
It took me a second. "Oh, S.M.I.L.E."
She gave me a half-smile. "Basically, I track down strange creatures and stop them from causing Equestria any harm. Not the likes of griffins or dragons, mind you--they're recognised as citizens."
"So what do you deal with?"
"Y'know, bugbears, rogue changelings, chimeras, stuff like that."
"I think I get it," I said, "but what does that have to do with me?"
River looked down and rubbed one hoof behind the other. For the first time, it looked like she wasn't sure what to say. "How do I put this...?"
"Do you think I'm gonna destroy the world or something?" I asked flatly. That managed to get a snort of laughter out of her.
"Nah, nothing like that. Last year, we picked up a strong magical signal. Princess Twilight personally confirmed that it was her doing, and that was transdimensional teleportation."
"When I showed up," I deduced.
"Exactly. She and her friends are agents themselves, as are Lyra and Sweetie Drops. You'll know her by her undercover name: Bonbon."
This was all getting difficult to take in. "Is everypony in town an agent?"
"No, the Ponyville sector is just Twilight and her friends, Lyra, Bonbon, and me."
"But what does this all have to do with me?" I asked. "You think I'm a monster?"
"Not in the 'civilisation-threatening force of evil' sense," she assured me. "More in a 'strange new creature wandering around' way. Basically, once Twilight filled us in on what happened and how you got dragged into it, we've all been watching out for you. Rarity set you up with some furniture, Pinkie set up that party to help you feel welcome, all that stuff."
I looked at her. I was a bit shocked, maybe a little angry that my strings were being pulled all this time. "Wait, so the house, the jobs, the timberwolf... those were all planned?"
"Not those, no," she said. "We were pretty surprised at how independent you are, looking for work and a place to live by yourself. For someone who was plucked out of a completely different universe, you really rolled with the punches. As for the timberwolf... well, you and I were never supposed to meet face-to-face. My mission was to keep an eye on you from the shadows and make sure you got along okay."
"I do remember feeling like I was being followed," I said, thinking back to my first day in Canterlot.
She smiled. "You have good instincts. That was me. Though, the timberwolf wasn't part of the plan--you really did save my flank back then, and I couldn't really say nothing and vanish, y'know?"
My ears lowered. "So the whole time, you've known I'm a...?"
"Yeah," she admitted. "Twilight told us everything."
"Well, um, I guess this is pretty awkward for you, huh? Since I'm a human and all..."
"Well, you were a human," she pointed out. "You're a Pony now. Well, at least, until you go back." She looked down as she finished that. Like she'd actually feel bad if I left Equestria.
"I'm not really in a hurry to leave," I assured her. "In fact, I'll be honest with you: I don't know if I want to leave at all."
She looked back up at me. "Really?"
"I didn't really have anything going for me back there. No real friends, no romance, nothing. But that all changed when I came here. I met some really great Ponies, especially you. This is gonna sound really cheesy, but the thought of leaving you to go back there... I can't do it, y'know?"
"That is really cheesy," she giggled. "But really sweet. It's a good kind of cheese. I'd put that on my pizza."
I returned her smile for a moment. "Um, I'm sorry for not telling you myself, but..."
"To be fair, 'I'm actually a human' would certainly get weird looks, even in Ponyville."
"Pretty much, but--" She shushed me with a hoof over my mouth.
"Dude, don't sweat it. Our cards are on the table now."
"Yeah, now you know I'm a human."
"And you know that I'm a secret agent/monster hunter."
"Why do you get to have the cool secret?"
"Hey, technically you're an alien. That's pretty cool."
"You're not scared of me abducting you?"
"I'd suplex you first."
"Fair enough."
We laughed and pressed our lips together for a kiss.
"So, we're still doing this?" I asked.
"I'm down for it if you are." She gave me a warm smile.
"I sure am."
We managed to catch the last train to Ponyville for the night. We had a whole car to ourselves, and the lights were dim enough for a nice atmosphere without it being so dark you're tripping over your own hooves looking for the toilet car.
And of course, being the mature stallion I was, I took the advantage of our solitude to grill her about her secret agent job like an excited kid.
"So, S.M.I.L.E.," I began, "what do you do exactly?"
"Simply put, we hunt down monsters attacking towns and villages before a mass panic starts," she explained. "Ponyville is a pretty easy post, though--weird stuff happens there all the time, so nopony bats an eyelash when a bugbear attacks."
"Hey, what are bugbears like here?"
"Pretty much what you think they are: giant bears with bee parts. Extra legs, a stinger, all that stuff."
I pumped my hoof in the air. "I knew it!"
"Hey, hang around me long enough, you might meet Cerberus."
I snorted, but I caught the look on her face. "Wait, really? Like, 'giant three headed dog' Cerberus?"
"He guards the entrance to Tartarus. Biggest monster prison in Equestria."
My jaw dropped. "Shut up."
"No, really." She grinned. "If you're lucky, I'll take you to meet him."
For the rest of the ride, River told me about a mission where she had to deal with a gang of rogue changelings taking over a town called Dodge Junction one Hearts and Hooves Day. How they were trying to build enough power to release their queen from her stone prison.
"You saw the statue of a creepy bug-looking Pony in Canterlot, right?"
"Yeah?"
"That's the prison. You just looked into Queen Chrysalis's eyes."
"Oh. Fun."
It was late at night when the train finally pulled into Ponyville. We kissed each other goodnight and went our separate ways toward our homes. My hooves echoed through the empty street, as did my yawn. Despite the bombshell that my marefriend was a secret agent, my stomach full of pasta was telling me it was time to sleep. I had plenty of time to think tomorrow.
Though, suddenly getting yanked into an alley certainly woke me up.
"Wha-?!" I yelped, getting pinned to the wall by a mare wearing sunglasses.
"So, she told you?" she asked, lowering her shades.
"Bonbon?" I gasped. "Or is it Sweetie Drops?"
"Bonbon to you, for now," she said, letting me go and dusting off my coat. "You know all about S.M.I.L.E. now, then?"
"Only as much as River told me," I answered. "Wait, how do you know about that?"
"Because she's been planning it since New Year's," said a new voice. Lyra came trotting up to us in her own shades. "She really trusts you, y'know."
"She had to get special clearance just to get permission to tell you," Bonbon added. "A lot of red tape was involved, I don't mind telling you."
"Why are you telling me?" I wondered. "Did River not give me the whole story?"
"We want you to know how serious it is that you know as much as you do," she continued. "And that you don't tell a single soul what you've heard tonight."
"Got it, humie?" asked Lyra with a grin. "You're a confidante now."
I darted eyes between the two. "What does that mean? Do I have to become an agent now?"
"Not necessarily," Bonbon assured me. "You've got our secret, and now you need to keep it. As well as occasionally do some recon work for us."
"Recon work?"
"We noticed you've got a real nose for mysteries," said Lyra, "so if we've got a suspicion something's going on, we might ask you to sniff around for us. Gather some intel before we act."
I tilted my head. "Don't you have guys to do that?"
"Sure," said Bonbon, "but more hooves make lighter work."
"Plus, if you get caught by a gang boss or cult leader, you can't get traced back to us," smiled Lyra.
So that was the rub. "And I'm guessing if I say no, you'll wipe my memory and have me completely forget about River?"
"Basically, yeah."
"In other words, I don't really have a choice."
"You got it."
I sighed through pursed lips. "Fine, I'll be your mole. And I won't tell anyone that a pair of top secret monster hunters just blackmailed me into doing it."
"Smart boy," giggled Lyra.
"We'll hold you to that, human," said Bonbon, putting her shades back on. "And we'll make sure you do."
They trotted past me onto the street, and I decided I needed to know something. "Why are you wearing sunglasses at night?"
"To protect our identities, of course," said Bonbon.
"But everypony can see your cutie marks. And you kinda have pretty distinct manes. If anything, you'll look even more suspicious dragging somepony into an alley like that."
"See?" groaned Lyra. "I told you we should've worn the trenchcoats!"
"But they're so stereotypical," sighed Bonbon. "Besides, it's warm tonight."
"How did you not knock over any garbage cans waiting for me in there?"
"Forget the sunglasses!" snapped Bonbon. "Just keep your mouth shut about tonight."
"We'll be watching you, Sharpy!" chirped Lyra, stretching her neck to keep her glare on me as long as possible before disappearing around the corner.
I took a few minutes to compose myself (and to make sure those two had gone away) before I returned home.
I really need to get that PI thing off the ground before those two have me chasing a dragon egg smuggling ring or something.