The sun is speaking to me, I think. It’s funny how I never heard it when I bore it, but now that I have given it up I hear it clear as day. I miss you, Celestia, it told me. Please come back to me. Luna will never raise me the way you do.
“I miss you, too,” I told it. “But I can’t come back to you. It’s… for the best.”
Oh, please, it scoffed. ‘It’s for the best’? Don’t give me that. I’m miserable without you. I miss you every second of the day. I’m freezing without you. I need you.
The sun can very selfish at times.
It’s a good thing I’m not.
“Bye, Sun,” I told it as I left to perform my duties. “I’ll talk to you later.” That’s a lie, of course. The sun speaks to me all the time, and I never let my duties get in the way of an answer.
We only had three tasks in the list for today, which was good, because as it was it felt like three too many. Raven had been incredibly accommodating about making a schedule that I could handle, which was why it surprised me when she asked me to play chess with her afterwards. “You know I can’t do that, Raven,” I said apologetically. “There’s just too many things I’m already so behind on; I can’t spend my spare time on leisure.”
“But we haven’t played in weeks!” She protested.
“I know,” I said. “I’m sorry. But I just can’t play now.”
She was insistent. So insistent, in fact, that I gave in. Arguments take up a lot of your energy.
We sat down in the tearoom where we normally played, and Raven set up the board. I would be white, she would be black- as usual. I was about to start, when, to my surprise, Raven levitated the game board up two feet above our heads. “What is the meaning of this?” I asked her, befuddled.
“I want to make the game more exciting,” Raven said. “If we float the game above our heads it will make things more challenging and interesting. Why don’t you go?”
My heart sank. There was simply no way I would be levitating multiple chess pieces on a board I couldn’t see. Now if only to come up with a convincing excuse…
“Well?” Raven interjected.
“I don’t want to play this way, if you don’t mind,” I said.
“Don’t want to, or can’t?” Raven said harshly.
My heart stopped. “What are you saying?” I said as casually as possible.
Raven sighed and looked at me for a long time. “Your Highness, you’ve done an admirable job of putting on a front for everypony in the castle, but I spend all day with you. You can’t exactly expect me not to notice the complete deterioration of your magical abilities.”
“Raven…” I said slowly, trying to think of a response, something to fend off her accusations, to sow doubt in her mind.
She looked at me, her eyes glinting strangely. “Do you deny it?” she asked softly.
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything. What was there to say?
“How long has this been going on for?” she asked.
I didn’t say anything.
Raven shook her head at me. To my shock, I could spot tears glistening in the corners of her eyes. “Princess. Celestia. I am asking you, not only as a faithful servant but as a friend. You need to seek help. I’ve known ponies who ignored things for a long time… and it didn’t end well for them.”
I don’t know what I was expecting Raven to say, but that was not it. I almost wanted to laugh. If only that would help, I would gladly do it! No, this was beyond all that. “What pony were you referring to?” I asked instead.
Raven sighed. “My mother. Cancer. She had it before and didn’t want to believe it was back. By the time she believed it, it was too late.”
I had no idea. “I’m so sorry.”
“I should’ve tried to fight her more. I was scared if I did she might shut me out, and I didn’t want to antagonize a sick pony. But I was wrong. I was an enabler. And I won’t be one again.” She looked at me fiercely. “If you’re really sorry, Celestia, then do what I asked you. See a doctor. Or a healer. Or… something.”
“Raven, it won’t help.” I protested.
“So you’re not even going to try? You’re just going to sit down and let this happen? Do something!” She said sternly.
“You don’t understand,” I said weakly.
Raven glared at me. “You’re darn right I don’t. I don’t understand how the most selfless, responsible, wise pony I know could make such a selfish, reckless, stupid decision like this. Even if you don’t care about your own health, you’re the ruler of Equestria. So many ponies are dependent on you. How many guards and servants are toiling away in this very castle for you, thinking everything is fine? When you I inevitably collapse, nopony will know what to do. My mother’s foolishness only hurt me. Your are selfishly putting every pony in Equestria in danger.”
Selfishly. Oh, the irony. If she only knew how much I was sacrificing for Luna, to keep Equestria safe, she wouldn’t dare say this. She had no right. “I am not selfish.” I told Raven.
She sighed. “Then please tell me why you’re doing this? I mean, do you think your magic is going to come back? Am I missing something here?”
“Well…,” I hemmed. She had just given me an opening. “The truth, is dear Raven, this ‘loss of magic’- it’s an Alicorn process. We… renew ourselves. It happens every few hundred years or so.”
She narrowed her eyes at me suspiciously. “Why didn’t you say that earlier?”
I sighed dramatically. “I was trying to keep it quiet. As you pointed out, I am the ruler of all of Equestria. If word came out that I lost my magic, panic would ensue and enemies might take advantage of my weakness and attack. Better to keep it quiet, since it will eventually come back on its own. But,” I said, turning to her, “I should have told you about it. I’m sorry, Raven. I apologize.”
Raven’s face softened, and I breathed a sigh of relief. “Well, that does sound reassuring… if it wasn’t a pile of horse apples!”
“Pardon me?”
“I mean that it’s a pile of horse apples. I can tell from how you’re talking that you probably came up with that explanation on the spot, but those lies don’t work on me. There’s no way you would regularly lose your magic, and you told nopony, and had no plan on dealing with it in the meanwhile. That’s far more dangerous than anypony finding out about this. I can’t believe you would be that foolish.” She glanced at me suspiciously. “At least I hope you wouldn’t. Either tell me the real reason, or admit you don’t know and get sompony who can find out!”
Briefly I considered going along with her, fetching some useless doctor to pronounce that he too, had no idea what was wrong just so she would stop thinking I was blindly ignoring all this, but I rejected the idea. There was just too much risk that Luna would find out, and then she might find how selfish I’ve been….
“I’m sorry. I can’t.” I told Raven softly.
Raven stared at me for a long time. “In that case… I quit.”
“What?”
Raven looked at me sadly. “I’m not helping you with this charade any longer. I can’t force you to get help, but I can refuse to assist you in this… farce. We both know that if I hadn’t been rearranging your schedule, you’d have collapsed weeks ago.”
“Raven, wait,” I said desperately. But I didn’t know what to say.
“I’m not being an enabler again,” she said firmly, and then got up and left.