//------------------------------// // Celestia // Story: Alicorns, an Orangutan, and L-Space // by Honey Mead //------------------------------// Alicorns,  an Orangutan, and L-Space Written by: Honey Mead Pre-read by: Doomande and Ponky Chapter 2.25 [Footnotes] Out in the woods of Bad Ass(1) is there a dirt road, well there are a number of dirt roads. It would be safe to say that almost all the roads in Bad Ass are dirt roads, but there is one dirt road that is remarkable above all other dirt roads. It isn’t a particularly large dirt road, only wide enough for a single horse drawn cart. This road is important because it leads to a single lonely cottage. It is a cottage that invokes the full and complete adjective ‘rustic’. It is of a decent size, having two stories with two large rooms down stairs along with the kitchen. Outside there is a nice flower bed around the front and a large garden around back. There is almost nothing about this cottage that would stand out to average observer. To any observer worth their salt, however, there is plenty that doesn’t quite add up. First of all, though in good repair, the path leading to the front door shows almost no sign of use while the path curving around back is well worn. There is also a distinct lack of ‘frilly’ things such as flowers, the flower bed being populated by herbs that occupied their time by swaying with or without the help of a breeze. Finally there are the beehives. This would normally not raise too many eyebrows until the observer noted that the bees were rather busy pulling weeds. And goats. The owner of the house slept peacefully, curled up as she was on the blankets of the bed. The tenant also slept, stiff and stretched out under the blankets. Both had their eyes closed and head resting comfortably. That only one of the two seemed to be breathing was quite normal. Hence the small note tied around the tenant’s neck. “I Aten't Dead” }{AOL}{ “-Dear!” Letitia stopped sobbing at the sound. No one was supposed to come into the library while she was having one of her... moments. Her eyes widened at what she thought she saw standing before her. She managed to have the presence of mind to wipe the tears from her eyes before reacting. She blinked. She looked down at the book on the side table. She looked back up. She pinched herself. “Ouch! That hurt.” Celestia looked at the small white mound that had suddenly spoken. There are a number of different species in Equestria, and though she can’t name them all, she had never seen a mound of white fluff speak before. Realizing the ridiculousness of that she shook her head, her pink mane flopping about in the air. Wait, that’s not right... “MY MANE!” There was a pause while the echo of her seldom used Royal Canterlot Voice™ dissipated. “A TALKING UNICORN!” A small pink ape like creature exploded from the mound of fluff with an audible *squee*. The princess reacted immediately to the threat and casted a shield spell. The pink creature with a long blonde mane tackled the princess, throwing arms around her neck and laughing happily. Being an immortal who has seen more years than most ponies see days she reacted in the most appropriate manner possible. She froze in abject terror. Minutes later Celestia regained some amount of her composure and, being a thoroughly logic equine, began to run through a list of what she knew. It is likely that her thoughts went something like this... Okay. This is bad. This is very bad. First L-Space opened up and sucked me into another world. A world where my magic doesn’t work. Second, a local life form has attached itself to me... it doesn’t seem to be doing anything but nuzzling my neck, it is possibly a benign parasite(2) of some kind, though it is rather large for that. I appear to be in a library. This is good, I can work with a library. Finally my mane has reverted back... Oh Dear. This sudden break in her thoughts was caused to an odd cooing sound emanating from the parasite. Celestia craned her neck to try and get a good look at it. The creature pressing itself against her neck and chest was indeed making odd soothing sounds as one of its appendages moved softly over the back of Celestia’s neck, just below her mane. She found this disturbingly comforting under the current circumstances. She noticed that her heart beat was returning to normal, she had been hyperventilating without even realizing it. Now calmed down she found her eyes drawn to the book sitting on the small table next to the pile of fluff. She stepped towards it and read the title. The Last Unicorn “Oh dear...” }{AOL}{ “Excuse me, uhm, dear... can you understand me?” “Of course I can, silly head. Heheheh” Celestia’s face twisted like she had swallowed some bad hay. “Yes, silly me. Would you mind letting go?” For a solid five seconds nothing seemed to happen and Celestia worried the poor thing had broken. To her great relief the grip around her neck loosened and the creature stepped back allowing Celestia to finally get a look at her. The creature appeared to be apish in build, though rather slender and hairless compared to the ones she was used to. A golden mane flowed from its head and down almost to its middle. Its exposed skin was pale except for where there were obvious signs of make-up. Based on certain, oddities, in it’s shape Celestia guessed that it was female. “Thank you. Now what is your name, dear?” “Baroness Letitia de Chumsfanleigh.” Letitia relied, gripping her dress and looking aside bashfully. Baroness? Good that should make things easier. Celestia thought before saying, “Well, Baroness, my name is Princess Celestia-” “*GASP* You’re a PRINCESS?” Letitia’s face contorted in horror. “Well, yes, but-” Letitia dropped into a low curtsy, “I’m so sorry, your Highness, I- I hope I did not offend.” “Please, there is no need for all that, Celestia is just fine.” Letitia completely ignored her and dropped to the floor, gripping her face, “I’ve ruined everything! How could I be so stuhuhoopid?” She wailed. Celestia looked down at the poor thing leaking profusely all over the place. She summoned up all of her knowledge and years of experience dealing with crisis situations to form a plan of action.  “There, there,” she said, lightly petting her golden mane. “Everything will be alright.” She sat down and pulled Letitia into her lap, wrapping her in hooves and wings, “Hush now, it’s okay, everything will be just fine.” “But I hugged you without permission and I petted you and-” she cut off with another round of wails that tore into Celestia's already hurting eardrums. Celestia had always like to view her subjects as her surrogate children. That attitude had served her well for the millennia of dealing with petty squabbles and irate petitioners. It was times like these that she was grateful that she had never actually had a foal of her own. If she had she may well have smothered it against her chest and smiled as she squeezed the last bit of life out of it. *KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK* Celestia’s grip loosened and the little biped gasped at the sudden availability of air. “Oh, that must be Roland! He will be so happy to meet a Princess!” Letitia leapt from away from the princess and bolted towards the door. Before Celestia could say anything she threw it open. Standing, slightly awkwardly, on the other side was the Baron. He took in the room, which wasn’t there last time he was in the library. When his eyes fell on the large horse like creature sitting in the center of the floor they grew about three sizes before rolling back in his head. }{AOL}{ Tiffany Aching stormed into the castle, which is rather impressive for a five foot something young lady in an almost festive green dress. It wasn’t that she was angry, well she was, but that’s not why she stormed. She stormed out of a sense of necessity, she was after all a witch that had been summoned(3). She noticed one of the maids standing on a small stool and dusting an ancient suit of armor. Altering her course slightly Tiffany stomped up to the unsuspecting girl and turned on her glare. The unsuspecting maid continued her work, moving a feather duster over the shoulders and helmet. “Ahem!” Tiffany said. The maid continued dusting undisturbed. “I said, AHEM!” The maid finished her work and carefully stepped down from the stool. She paled immediately at the sight of the point black hat wearing girl. Her jaw began working without sound. Tiffany reached out with a finger and pushed the bobbing joint closed, with her other hand she pulled the bit of cotton out of one of the maids ears. In the sweetest voice she could manage she asked, “where is the Baron?” “Mhmary.” Tiffany removed her finger. “What was that?” “Library.” Without another word Tiffany turned on her heels and continued storming down the hallways. Slamming the door open Tiffany stepped into the library. She stood in the doorway for a moment, a confused expression on her face. Gritting her teeth she stormed through the library to the door on the other side and swung it open. There was a loud crack and it bounced back almost hitting her nose. Someone groaned on the other side. “Oh, well that did it.” The door slowly swung back open revealing the second room of the library to Tiffany. Roland sat of the floor leaning over and gripping the back of his head with both hands, a soft moan escaping his lips. Lettitia seemed to be tied to a chair with a gag shoved in her mouth. Far more interesting and apparent to Tiffany was the tall white horse sitting over Roland. A long white horn protruding from its soft pink mane. It seemed to be smiling at her nervously. Tiffany bent down and whispered in Rolands ear, “I have a few questions. Why is there a unicorn in your library?” “Oh, good. I thought I was seeing things.” “Why does it have wings?” “It has what now?” Roland, still gripping his head looked up and noticed the feathery appendages tucked to Celestia’s sides. “More importantly, and I can’t stress enough how important this one is, who said ‘Oh, well that did it.’?” Celestia watched this for a moment, contemplating how best to react to this situation. These creatures did not seem to be the most stable of beings. Still, this new one seemed to have a better grip on her faculties and she was wearing a tall pointy black hat. “That would be me.” The small one looked at her for a moment, Celestia could almost see the gears in her mind spinning. She braced herself for the inevitable breakdown. She was almost disappointed when it didn’t happen. “And you would be?” “Pr-- Celestia.” “Celestia. My name is Tiffany Aching. May I ask what you’re doing here?” “That’s a little complicated...”