//------------------------------// // 2: Chaos Theory // Story: The Life of Illusion // by Goldstar //------------------------------// Rarity gives me back the now fixed up dress and I put it on to head back home. I don’t think any other pony saw me, but I keep the dress on to maintain appearances if they do. Back at home, I get a good look at myself in the mirror. I won’t say that this makes me feel so much happier, but I do like how it’s fixed now, and I’ll look less tacky for future public appearances as myself. Anyway, bedtime. Surely there’s no way that Luna is going to come to me in a dream? I mean, I know she can, but why would she? There’s far more actual problems that ponies are facing, not me with one of the strangest issues ever. I’m probably not even in the top one thousand of ponies that she’ll visit first. And that’s if she’s even doing this anymore at all if she really is going into retirement. It’s morning and time to go to work. Now, I won’t be going out as Illusion. So now is the time for the other half of my identity and double life to come into play, Mirage. I’m going out to work as a stallion since I need to make a living somehow and the shows I do as Illusion are not exactly bringing in the bits I can live on. As for Mirage, well, that’s just basically me going out naked and speaking up normally. Hopefully someday I can get rid of this identity altogether and just be Illusion all the time, with or without a dress. Ideally, I can just go out naked and still look like a mare. Pinkie’s baked goods are probably the best cupcakes and sweets I ever had! I’m certainly getting more of those while I’m living here. Not exactly great breakfast material, but I didn’t feel like eating them last night. What’s my day job, you may or may not be asking? Mailroom sorting. Yeah, not exactly exciting stuff, although I do get to see Derpy Hooves and Gabby at times. I don’t say anything special to them. But otherwise, I’m just skipping over actually talking about what happens at work unless something special happens. It’s early afternoon and time to clock out. So far it seems like being Mirage is separated from being Illusion. Good, good! Later, I plan to talk to Fluttershy about this whole stallion to mare business. But what would be a good time to do so? As I’ve mentioned, they must live very busy lives to teach at the School of Friendship and do their day jobs. I doubt anypony can just freely go up to them and ask for their time. I think that and yet I kinda did that with Rarity when she could have just headed home and went straight to bed. “Hello stranger!” Pinkie greeted, seemingly out of nowhere. What the hell?! “Have we met before? You remind me of another pony I threw a party for last night. Are you her twin brother?” “It’s a long story, but yes, we met before. There’s no need to throw another party.” “We’ve met before? Are you sure?” She’s looking at me like she’s some kind of detective. “Yes, positive. But I really need to get going now... wait. There is something you could help me with. I want to talk to Fluttershy about important stuff.” “Oh, oh, like about an injured pet you may have? Are you trying to date her? Do you have a surprise gift for her?” “No, no, and no. I’ll tell you later when I feel good and ready to.” “Okie Doki Loki!” And then she runs off at a speed that I swear would be a superpower. Oh wait, Pinkie Pie is multiple superpowers. She could probably keep up with Rainbow Dash flying. I am glad I don’t feel dysphoria over my species. Does that happen to ponies? Like does an earth pony ever wish they could fly? That would be an even more awkward conversation to have. ‘Hello, I’m Illusion and not only am I stallion who wants to be a mare, but I also want to become a pegasus. You’ve got anything that changes my biology even more than a sex difference does?’ Well, good thing I’m okay with being an unicorn. And while on that topic, Changlings. I bet they never ever have to worry about gender dysphoria since they can just shapeshift into a mare or stallion. Man, what lucky bastards. Okay, maybe the whole feeding on love thing isn’t, but then that seems to be way easier after they stopped being creepy holey menacing looking bugs. What I would give for Changling magic. Hmm... I could ask a Changling just how that feels, but where would I find one without going all the way out to their kingdom or whatever? Oh right, Ocellus is at the School of Friendship. Wow, I zoned out, just standing out in the open lost in my own thoughts. As I start moving... “Hello again stranger who never told me his name. Fluttershy will be expecting you.” “You can call me Mirage. You probably won’t be seeing a whole lot of me anyway. Thanks for your help, but I gotta run, laters.” Not that I could outrun Pinkie, nor do I think I could hide. She would be so scary if an evil version of her existed. Wait a minute... how do I get to Fluttershy’s house... “Just keep walking in this direction,” Pinkie answered. How did she know? Is she a mind reader? I hope not or that would lead to a lot of situations I rather not happen. But surely, she isn’t or she’ll have gone insane with the amount of negative and sexual thoughts ponies must be having about her. Yeah, mind reading is not what it’s cranked up to be, not that I have personal experience with it. Enough rambling, I’m at Fluttershy’s house. I knock on her door. I already can smell the animals and it’s not a smell I can tolerance for a long time. “I’m coming,” Fluttershy announced. Seconds later she opens the door. “Ah, Pinkie Pie said you were coming, Mr. Mirage sir.” “Yes... although not quite how I would describe myself, but wait, I had Pinkie do it for me. It’s complex and I’m hoping I can explain it all to you.” “Okay, do you want to be called something else?” “Yes, Illusion, the same one from last night’s party. Like I said, I’ll explain.” Once we’re inside, she offers me tea. I accept and I’m sitting on one of her couches. Hey, is that a bunny who looks pissed at me? What is it with critters not liking me so much? Well, none of the other critters are giving me the stink eye. The bunny runs off toward Fluttershy. Oh right, that’s Angel Bunny, who’s name is very ironic. Shit, what is he going to tell her? I’m supposed to be breaking the ice! “Angel, that’s rude! We should be kind to our guest.” Yes, listen to her! If Angel Bunny is this nice, how bad would a Devil Bunny be? Maybe a role reversal and said bunny would be much nicer? Fluttershy brings over the tea. “Thanks for having me as your guest Fluttershy. So, like I was saying, I’m Illusion. In simple terms, I want to have a sex change. I don’t suppose you would know anything about that? Any of your critters ever felt like they should have been born another sex?” It takes several seconds before she answers. “Nope, I never treated any critters like that.” “Oh... well... that’s awkward. But anyway, I moved to Ponyville so I could become friendly with you and the other Elements of Harmony. Not because I have some secret evil plan or something. Perhaps Cozy Glow would be an example of what not to do. I’m not sure if many ponies are ready for a stallion who wants to be a mare.” “You mean transgender?” “Wait, there’s a word for it? That certainly makes it a lot easier to explain things, although I’m not sure if most other ponies also know about that term. Great, I would have to explain it, but that’s the story of my life, explaining things to others, having to justify pretty much my entire existence.” “I don’t know any pony who’s transgender, aside from you I mean. If you don’t mind me asking, what is it like?” “It’s awful. I get to live every single day feeling like my body is wrong. I’m surrounded by mares who are not unhappy to be mares. It’s a matriarchy, not that anything is wrong with that. I am not transitioning as a power play. We probably have mares who transition to stallions, which would be a downgrade in terms of political power. But it’s not about that, it’s about being who we’re really meant to be. I’m not a scientist who’s an expert on the whole topic of sex in regarding how cells and all that stuff works. I just want to be a mare. I don’t want all this drama surrounding the issue. I wish this was something more open and talked about. It would have been easier for me to be a gay stallion than this. I’m glad we have retraceable genitals or I would for sure being wearing something right now.” Let’s pause for a moment. You know what reader? Explaining I’m transgender is probably only the second hardest thing to do in my life. Wanna know what the first would be? The fact I’m communicating to you, although it’s strictly one way. As if ponies won’t think I’m crazy enough for wanting to have a sex change. Telling them they have an audience watching them and that I’m aware of it, but can’t prove it, is going to get me put on anti-crazy pills and even have my entire gender dysphoria dismissed. I mean, if I stated I believed in something as crazy as an actual fourth wall to break, ponies will just dismiss anything unusual about me as crazy. I’m not sure if even Pinkie Pie would believe me and she can clearly manipulate reality in a way that pretty much no other pony can. Let’s just focus on one problem at a time, coming out as transgender. We can deal with questioning my entire reality later. Anyway, back to the story. “I’m so sorry about the pain you’re going through Illusion,” Fluttershy stated, “Any other way I can help?” “Say... there might just be a way. Maybe you can call up Discord? I’m not expecting a God of Chaos to negatively judge me for wanting a sex change.” “Sure, if you really want to. I’m not used to ponies asking to speak to Discord.” Sweet! With all that magic, surely he can do something for me? Let’s be honest viewer, it won’t be this easy. But even I can’t see what’s to come next, so I gotta try my options, right? A few minutes later, I blink and suddenly I’m in some weird dimensional version of Fluttershy’s house. I didn’t even feel like I teleported, I’m just here. Okay, eyes on the prize, I’ve got an audience with Discord, let’s not waste it. “Hello... Discord... so... err... I’m Illusion, and I was wondering if you could... make me into a mare...” Deep breaths. It’s going to be okay, he’s reformed, right? Otherwise Fluttershy and him wouldn’t be so close? “Hello, my little pony,” he said the thing! I mean of course he would. Why do I get excited at hearing the phrase, ‘my little pony’? Anyway... “What an unusual request. I am not a genie, or I’ll never get any peace again.” “I get that... but... I’m kinda out of options here. I’m pretty sure you could make yourself female if you wanted.” “Of course, I can,” and suddenly he transforms into a feminine form. “I can become Eris, if Fluttershy ever turned out to only be into mares.” He’s... she’s... pretty. What the hell pronouns do I use? Surely Discord... Eris... wouldn’t care that much? I doubt a God would be easily offended, but then I heard how he acted one time at the School of Friendship, so I better not take my chances. “Right, could you turn back to Discord?” And she... he... does just that. “Sorry, that just confused me internally. Anyway, you’re a God, surely your magic can turn me into a mare?” “Do you have any idea what that level of chaos magic can do to a pony? It’s not going to go as you expect it to. You might grow extra limbs and probably turn into a creature like me, minus the powers.” Well, shit, I should’ve known chapter two would be too soon to resolve this issue. “Maybe there’s another way? Like a necklace I can wear?” “Same issue. It’s chaos magic. I’m not about to put myself in a position where I possibly doom a pony. You’re going to have to find another way.” “But I’m a fully grown mare who should be able to decide if I take that risk or not.” “You think other ponies will care even if you consent to this? I can’t help you.” “Fine. I guess I had to try. Well, can you bring me back? I don’t think your realm is fit for living by anyone other than you.” And just like that, I’m back with Fluttershy. I explain to her how it went down. “I hope you’re not too depressed over that. I’ve should have known. I’m sorry.” “It’s not your fault. I was the one foolish enough to not consider that a large amount of chaos magic within a pony is probably highly dangerous. Although part of me would have rather died trying, but it likely would have been far worse like living with additional pain and suffering. “Anyway, I want to try talking to Pinkie Pie next. I’m honestly not too sure what to gain out of it other then coming out to more ponies. But thank you for being so supportive of me even if you can’t do more to help right now. Byes.” And I leave her home. No more animal smell at least unless it got on me and I need to shower it off. Anyway, I’m off to Sugercube Corner. As I open the door, Pinkie sees me, defiles gravity for a moment while opening her mouth wide and takes off in a flash. Oh boy, what does that mean? Well, surely it can’t be that she’s against what I’m doing, if she somehow knows. Not like I need to end on a cliffhanger when clearly, she’ll be okay with me. The cliffhanger is for exactly how she’ll react.