//------------------------------// // Oíche Thiocfaidh // Story: Gan Teideal // by Vedavyasa //------------------------------// Kevin heard voices again, and as before he kept his eyes closed and listened intently. He could hear two ponies holding a furiously whispered argument about who owed who a drink, a few indistinct voices from what he assumed was the other end of the room, and Twilight speaking to who he guessed to be Celestia’s sister. “We are unsure, Twilight Sparkle.” “I assure you Princess Luna, he meant no harm! He’s just very stressed, and possibly a little drunk.” “We know. The spell We cast should remove the alcohol from his system by the time he wakes.” “So that’s why I feel sober. Neat trick,” Kevin said, opening his eyes and sitting up. “’Tis no mere trick. Thou will explain thy actions here tonight, human,” the Princess shot at him. Kevin thought a moment before answering. “Someone hit me. I threw a bottle at him. Shit ensued.” Luna’s eye twitched. “We have been informed that thou purposefully instigated conflict with Rarity.” “Well, yeah.” Kevin answered. “Like I said, shit ensued. She tried to kick me out, I didn’t want to go.” “And thou saw that as an invitation to combat?” Luna asked. “Invitation hell,” Kevin laughed, “who needs an invitation to a good rumble eh?” A few ponies throughout the room heard him and voiced their agreement. Luna silenced them with a sharp glare. “We are unsure of the customs in thy homeland, but in Equestria that is not acceptable. We are of a mind to throw thee in a cell for the night, or perhaps treat thee as thou act and send thee to bed without any supper.” Kevin suppressed the urge to giggle at the archaic language combined with the childish threat. “Thou art no fun,” he said, copying her mannerisms. “Where is thy sense of humour?” Luna seemed taken aback for a moment, but she recovered and said in a meaningful tone, “Art thou mocking Us, human?” Kevin shook his head. “Nope. Mocking is like this,” he put on an overdone scowl and a bad imitation of Luna’s voice, “thou art nought but a ruffian and a brute!” Luna tried valiantly to summon a glare, but it was spoiled by her lips twitching upwards. Kevin noticed, and began a rant to try and make the Princess break composure. “Thy heathen ways art not appreciated in mine kingdom! Thou cad! We hath the mind to send thee to bed after thy receives a thorough spanking! Forsooth We hath never seen such devastation wrought upon mine subjects!” Luna was still trying to constrain herself, but her eyes betrayed her inner struggle, and so Kevin continued. “As punishment for thy crimes, we sentence thee to being silly for the remainder of eternity! Nay, thee shall be silly even beyond the collapse of time! Thy absurdity shall reign supreme among the silly even when the shades of this universe beget the next reality! The eternal crown of Monarch of Frivolity shall be thine!” It was too much for Luna. The Princess broke out in a most undignified fit of giggles, and Kevin smirked triumphantly. Twilight stared at the scene, aghast at Kevin’s ability to turn a serious moment on its head. All across the room, ponies let out relieved sighs and several giggled along with the Princess. Kevin was too wrapped up in his moment of glory to notice Luna’s horn light up, and so the bottle spanking him came as a surprise. He yelped and jumped away, but the bottle chased him around the room, always spanking him. Twilight was on the floor laughing, but Luna was no longer giggling. Instead she smiled broadly and her eyes were practically glowing with mirth. “If a spanking is what thou desires, then a spanking thou shall receive!” “I give! Uncle! I surrender! Out, damned bottle, before you leave a spot on my ass!” Kevin screamed as he jumped and tripped over tables and chairs, trying in vain to escape the unpitying glass of the bottle. “The rest of you,” Luna began, still attacking Kevin with the bottle, “thy punishment is to tidy this bar.” Vinyl hopped up on the bar again and yelled “UNR-R-R-RUMBLE!” before hopping down and gently righting a table. Luna shook her head at the DJ’s antics before herding Kevin out the door with the bottle, following behind with a still laughing Twilight in tow. Kevin and the two ponies walked in to the library. Twilight and Luna each pulled over some cushions and sat down, but Kevin winced and remained standing, which drew a fresh giggle from Twilight. Kevin’s silent stare was all the reply he could muster. “We trust thou will not mock Us any longer?” Luna asked, fake sympathy oozing from her words. Kevin snorted. “I’ll mock ye when it’s funny,” he said. Luna smiled. “Perchance when We are not within earshot? Or dost thou possess the courage to chance Our ire again?” Kevin affected his bad impression again before responding. “The fortitude of mine testes is great enough that I do not fear thee.” A gleam appeared in Luna’s eyes. “Mentioning thy reproductive organs may be a mistake...” Kevin paled and covered his crotch, but managed to summon a glare while he did. “Now Luna, no need to get all testy,” he shot back in his normal voice. Luna chuckled. “Fear not. We appreciate a sense of humour among Our subjects, thou will not be harmed further.” “Pardon my scepticism,” Kevin muttered quietly. “So what brings you here Princess?” asked Twilight. “We wished to meet Kevin,” Luna began, “Our sister was impressed with his wits and courage. We also have several things to explain to him.” “Oh do ye now?” “Yes. Our sister informed us that thou have been propositioned by The Creator. We wish to explain to thee the customs and laws that bind summoned creatures as well as thyself.” Kevin nodded, his interest piqued. “Any bargain that thou make with a summoned creature is binding. Should thou attempt to renege on your vow, thy circle will be broken. Unless thou have the power to banish that creature, thy life is then forfeit.” Kevin twitched. “You’re kidding.” Luna shook her head. “Nay. Were it so easy to cheat such creatures, it would be done more often. Only those possessed of great power or stupidity dare break their vows in these matters.” “Well shit,” Kevin began, “and any asshole with a circle and a name can summon anything?” “Barring a relative few, yes,” chipping in Twilight Sparkle, “but it’s pretty rare. A proper summoning circle is expensive to buy and time consuming to make. I made mine by myself and it took almost six months. A pony with a death wish could potentially just draw a circle in the ground and use that, but you’d have to insane to try it.” “Probably shouldn’t have told me that. Never been known for my sanity,” Kevin replied. Twilight gave the human a level gaze. “A creature escaped from a circle is free to run wild until somepony banishes it. Ponies could die Kevin.” “I’d be dead too,” Kevin pointed out. “Yes, killed by your own idiocy,” Twilight countered. “Well it aint no death by sex, but I can think of worse ways to kick it,” Kevin said. Luna, for her part, tried not to chuckle at the bickering before interrupting. “We doubt thee will lose control of a circle Kevin. Thou hast no names to summon by.” Kevin grinned. “Yet. I have The Creators name, and he wants to deal with me. Wonder what I could get outta him?” Luna’s eyes widened. “Thou would dare bargain with him? Perhaps Our sister’s decision to grace thee with magic was foolish.” “Well I coulda told ye that!” Kevin answered. “Givin’ me magic? It’ll be a fucking miracle if I don’t burn the town down.” Luna stared at him. “Then We shall make thee swear by thy power that thou will not abuse thy magic.” Kevin looked confused, and glanced at Twilight for an explanation. “If you break your vow, you’ll lose your magic.” “Hell no!” Kevin exclaimed, “no fuckin way, no.” Luna stared at the human in annoyance. “Then be forewarned, should We find that thou have broken the rules of magic, thou shall-“ “Yes yes,” Kevin cut her off, “get thrown out of Equestria, have to live in less happy places, probably die there, yadda yadda yadda.” Twilight looked shocked at Kevin’s interruption. “Don’t yadda yadda the Princess Kevin, it’s disrespectful.” Luna showed no signs of anger, however. “Precisely, We are glad that Our sister has explained such things to thee properly. She has always been more... forceful than Us.” Kevin nodded in agreement. “Aye. She can be pretty freaky, and unless glowin’ eyes is common ‘round here she must be scary fuckin’ strong.” Luna smirked. “Ours is not the lesser light, Kevin. We are equal in power.” Kevin looked confused. “Lesser light?” he asked. “Did thou not know?” Luna began, “Our sister controls the sun, and We control the moon. It is the source of Our power.” Kevin blinked. “That is fuckin’ ridiculous.” Luna looked confused. “Thou means to say that thou truly did not know?” “It’s impossible is what that is,” Kevin continued, “straight up fucking impossible. Gravity ring a bell? How about orbit?” “We do not understand,” Luna replied, “is it different in thy world?” “Just a bit. See, in my world we have this thing called science, where we test theories and shit? It’s really neat sometimes. One of the really cool things science did was figure out how the moon is in the sky, and the sun too. No one controls them, it’s just nature.” Kevin noticed Twilight staring at him like he had miraculously grown a second head. Luna just looked amused. “Next thou will tell Us that in thy world weather is uncontrolled as well.” “As a matter of fact-“ Luna cut Kevin off with a wave of her hoof. “That is irrelevant. Those of the Other have long been Our responsibility to study, The Creator chief of all. We wished to tell thee more of him, in hopes that he will not surprise thee.” “Get on with it then.” Twilight again looked annoyed at Kevin’s lack of decorum, but Luna still showed no signs of taking offense, simply nodding. “Foremost, he may appear to thee in a guise unlike the one thy have already seen. He is not limited to any form. He may even appear to thee as a member of thy own kind.” Kevin absorbed that and thought a moment. “So how the hell am I supposed to know when he’s around?” Luna grinned. “In his vanity, The Creator never allows his colours to be tarnished or changed in any way. Also, should he be in a form that should not speak, thou will still understand his words. Should even that fail to identify him, speak his name once and he will be compelled to react. Be forewarned however, speaking his name thrice in a single breath will summon him to thee. Speak his name only when thou art suspicious.” Kevin nodded. “Simple enough.” “Indeed,” Luna began, “he is simple to identify. Others less so, as thou will likely discover. We once had a creature appear as an ant when she is normally the size of a house. We nearly stepped on her before We realised.” Kevin snickered. “That’d be funny.” “Nay, it would have been the end of Us,” Luna corrected. Kevin looked at her agog, and so she explained. “A summoned creature’s form has naught to do with its powers. Had We stepped on her, it would be considered an act of aggression, a violation of hospitality. We should explain hospitality to thee, I think. When thou summon a creature, thou invite it into this world, your home. Thou must be reasonably polite, and so must they. No assault may be made by either party, or hospitality is redacted and both parties may do as they wish. Thou must also do thy best protect the creature from assault by any other party unless it is thy wish to moderate a duel between them. If thou contain the creature in a circle, then thou are under no further obligations. If not, then thou must provide food or drink upon request.” “So treat ‘em like a house guest?” Kevin asked. Luna nodded. “Precisely. Should a creature summon thee, then they must act under the same code.” “Back it up, I can be summoned?” Luna chuckled. “Thou have a name, nay? Any creature with a true name may be summoned. A moment, if thou will.” Luna stood and walked through the door into the room with Twilight’s summoning circle, closing the door behind her. A few seconds later, Kevin felt the world skip a beat, and he found himself staring at Luna from within the silver ring. “Well,” was all Kevin could say. Luna smirked. “Never give away thy name Kevin, We would never take advantage of thee, but other creatures may.” Kevin thought for a moment, and smiled. “I have your name, Luna.” Nothing happened, and Kevin’s smile faded. “Nay,” Luna said, “thou have Our title. No creature in Equestria has Our name, or Our sisters. Even if thou did have our name, We are old Kevin. Thou could no more hold Us than stop the world from turning. Thou may test Us, if thou wish. Try to leave the circle.” Kevin raised his arm and reached forward, pressing against the invisible barrier he knew was there. As soon as his fingers made contact, they stopped. Kevin gasped. Rushing through his arm and into his body was a bitter, empty cold. He felt like he had reached out and touched the dark side of the moon. Beyond that, he had the sudden impression of something vast, something infinite. He felt a power, and his instincts screamed at him that what he felt simply should not be, could not be. He jerked his arm back before he could feel any more, and as soon as he was out of contact he felt the warmth return to his body in crashing waves. Luna smiled, knowing her point had been made, and reached out with a hoof. As soon as the hoof passed over the circle, there was an almost inaudible popping sound. “Thou may leave the circle now.” Nervously, Kevin reached his hand out again. Nothing stopped his hand, so he practically jumped out of the circle. He turned to the Princess. “What. The fuck. Was that?” “Us. You felt Us as We are.” Kevin stared. “You aren’t no fuckin’ pony. I don’t know what the hell you are but you aint a pony.” Luna inclined her head in a miniscule nod. “We are as We are, and We are darkness and ice, just as Our sister is light and fire.” Kevin looked horrified for a moment, but then he laughed. “Lovecraft eat your fuckin’ heart out, I punched an Eldritch abomination in the face!” Luna chuckled along with him. “That thou did. Count thyself blessed that Our sister is kind, or thou would be nought but dust. Let us speak no more of this, come.” “Wait,” Kevin said, “are all the creatures I can summon like you?” Luna nodded. “In nature yes, but many are violent. Our sister and Us are a rarity among the Other, caring for mortals so. Many of Our kind believe creatures like thou to be nought but playthings to be destroyed for their amusement.” “Jesus Christ!” Kevin exclaimed, “so if I trap something in a circle, I have to hold back a fuckin’ Elder One?!?” Luna nodded again. “If that is what thou wish to call them. That is why circles are needed, they magnify power. Without a circle thou are an ant, with one thou can hold the power to contain a god.” “Jesus H fuckin’ Christ...” Kevin muttered, shaking his head as he wondered what horror would next enter his life. Kevin walked back into the main room of the Library, and Twilight looked over at him worriedly. “She put you in a circle, didn’t she?” Kevin nodded. “You tried to get out, didn’t you?” Another nod. Twilight’s horn lit up, and the unicorn poured the rest of the absinthe from Celestia’s earlier bottle into one of the glasses on the table. “You’ll want this.” Luna shook her head. “Nay, Twilight Sparkle. He surrendered his attempt to best Us before he could fully sense Us.” Twilight sighed knowingly. “Smarter than I was.” Luna’s step faltered. “Dost thou... regret knowing Us for what We are, Twilight Sparkle?” the Princess asked, sounding almost worried. “Oh, no!” Twilight assured Luna, “it was just a really intense experience, that’s all.“ Luna smiled, relieved, as she sat down. “Thank thee, Twilight Sparkle. We still worry that Our subjects fear Us for being Other.” “So,” Kevin interjected, “given that me life’s been playing out like a bad comedy lately, this is where you tell me you need my help for something.” Luna looked confused. “Why would We ask thee to help us? Thou have only been here one full day, and we hardly know thee.” Kevin practically jumped for joy. “Something normal! That’s the first reasonable thing anyone’s said to me all day.” Twilight bristled. “Excuse me?” Kevin stared at her, his face blank. “You’re a talking purple magical unicorn. Anything you say is inherently ridiculous.” Twilight huffed, but didn’t get a chance to say anything. “I hate to break up your lovely little moment, but I think the mortal’s idea has merit.” The voice was The Creator’s, and Luna stood and looked around. “Show thyself, Creator!” “Well that wouldn’t be any fun now would it? I much prefer to watch you panic, little Lulu.” Kevin stood. “Vedvyasa Vedavyasa Vedavyasa,” he said clearly, and with a crack The Creator appeared. “My my, that was clever,” The Creator began, “you ended the conflict between me and Lulu before it even truly began, and you assured the safety of all present. I often forget that you’re smarter than you act, mortal.” Kevin smirked. “Have brain, will travel.” The Creator nodded. “Indeed. As I was saying, I believe your idea has merit. In two days, I will release some of the Other I’ve been holding back from this world. You will help to contain them.” Luna looked shocked. “Thou will do no such thing!” she exclaimed in a commanding voice. The Creator simply grinned. “No? I remind you that this is my world, to do with as I please.” Twilight stood. “I remind you that we are our own, Creator. You can bend the world all you want, but you gave us free will. We can choose not to send Kevin.” The Creator still grinned. “Yes, I did give you a measure of free will, didn’t I? He who giveth can also taketh away, little unicorn. Twilight Sparkle, sit down and remain silent.” The Creator’s voice rang with power, and Twilight’s eyes glossed over as she sat down. “So I have said, so shall it be,” The Creator began again, “two days, mortal. Best to prepare yourself, I’d hate to have to aid you over-much. Deus Ex Machina is hardly something you wish to rely on. Farewell.” Another crack, and The Creator was gone. His voice lingered, however. “Oh yes, you may stand and speak again, Twilight Sparkle.” Kevin looked over to Twilight, who was shaking her head as her eyes regained their normal bright and curious look. “He’s got a flair for the dramatic, hasn’t he?” he muttered, “he tries to make everything he says so grand.” Luna nodded, but she looked as if her mind was elsewhere. “Yes, but his pride is well founded. His power is as absolute as he claims. Thou truly had best prepare, for We fear he was being truthful.” “Please tell me you’re kidding,” Kevin asked in a level tone. Luna shook her head. “I hate everythin’,” Kevin sighed in exasperation. “Worry not, “Luna began, “We will provide thee with an advisor. A moment.” Luna walked back through the door to Twilight’s summoning circle, closing it behind her. Kevin looked at Twilight. “Is life here always this fucked?” “Pretty much,” Twilight replied. “Brilliant.” Almost an hour later, Luna stepped back through the door. On her shoulder was a small cricket. “We have found thee an advisor.” Kevin stared. “A cricket?” The cricket in question chirped indignantly. “I’ll have you know I am no mere cricket, mortal. I chose this form because it’s small enough for you to carry with you.” The cricket hopped from Luna’s shoulder and landed in front of Kevin. “I am beyond you in every way. If I didn’t owe Luna a favour, I wouldn’t be here.” Kevin struggled to repress the huge smile he felt brewing on his face at the little cricket’s perfect British accent. “Alright Jiminy.” The cricket chirped again. “Jiminy? I suppose it will fit as well as any other name. Now, do you intend to introduce me to this luscious little unicorn here?” Twilight’s eyes bulged, and Kevin allowed his smile to come through in full force. “My pleasure. Twilight, this dashing little creature is Jiminy. Jiminy, meet Twilight Sparkle.” Kevin picked up the cricket and set it gently atop Twilight’s head. “My dear, you smell simply wonderful!” the cricket exclaimed as he burrowed into Twilight’s mane. Twilight, for her part, looked deeply disturbed as she gripped the tiny insect with her magic and picked it from her mane, setting it back on the floor. “Oh heavens, now I’m all cold,” Jiminy began in hurt tone, “won’t you at least warm me up a little?” Kevin exploded into laughter, excusing himself from the conversation and walking over to stand in the far corner of the room. “No!” Twilight practically shouted. “AHHH!” screamed Jiminy, “you’ve shot me straight through the heart. Alas, I fear ‘tis a mortal wound, I shall never recover I think...” Luna picked up the little insect with her magic and held it directly in front of her face. “Do behave thyself. We should hate to hear that somepony has stepped upon thee, or fed thee to a frog. Again.” Jiminy somehow managed to look annoyed. “One trip through a bullfrog’s digestive tract is enough for one eternity, I would think.” Luna unceremoniously dropped the cricket. “Good. Remember the terms of the bargain We have made with thee. If thou fail to fulfill thy duties, then thy debt is unpaid.” The cricket chirped, turning the sound into an affirmative, and lifted a leg in a mock salute before hopping over to Kevin. “You heard the Princess, let’s be off!” “It’s the middle of the night ye little bastard,” Kevin replied, “we aint doin’ shit ‘till tomorrow.” Jiminy turned back to Luna. “How am I supposed to work with this?” he asked, “he’s so primitive he’s afraid of the dark!” Luna chuckled. “Thou will do thy best. We are not asking thee to enjoy it, only to do it.” The cricket chirped unhappily, but hopped up to sit on Kevin’s shoulder. “Thank thee. Kevin, We must explain to thee what thy... new career will entail.” Kevin nodded, leaned back, and listened. “As Jiminy is of the Other, he will know when another of the Other reaches Equestria. He will tell thee, and guide thee to it. He will also help thee, should thou find thyself in battle. Also, his extensive knowledge of magic and magical creatures of all varieties is at thy command. If thou find thyself in need of his assistance, do not hesitate to ask it. When thou locate the Other that has arrived here, thou must banish it. This is a simple but difficult process, and thou will need the creature’s true name to perform it. Jiminy will help thee in that respect as well. Thou shall have need of a foci, and thou will need to learn how to create and use a simple circle. Thou must trap the creature in thy circle, and speak its name. This should grant thee temporary control over the creature. Once thou have this control, simply order it to leave. Should this fail, thou will need to enchant an object and imprison the creature inside it. If thou wish, you may trap the creature in thy foci, and use its power to supplement thy own.” Kevin nodded. “What about pay?” “Generous,” Luna began, “thou will find thy compensation beyond adequate, as the work is dangerous. Thou will be paid a salary with an added commission for each creature contained.” Kevin nodded again. “And I start two days from now. Alrighty then, I’ll take the job.” Luna smiled, but her expression quickly faltered. “Thou seem to be taking this rather well.” Kevin shrugged. “I’ve already been ripped from me own life, met talking ponies, used magic, and found out I’ve been dealing with things my people write horror stories about. My weirdness censor submitted his notice and fucked off when I started drinking with yer sister.” Jiminy whistled. “You had drinks with Celestia? You lucky little bugger you!” Kevin shrugged again, nearly dislodging the little lecher. “If you think so.” “I do!” Jiminy exclaimed, “both the Princesses are beautiful, and you’ve met them both.” “Sorry Jiminy, but ponies don’t get me goin’”, Kevin began, “I wouldn’t know a supermodel from a hobo.” The little cricket hopped off Kevin’s shoulder and made his way over to Luna. “Come on Luna, show him! You can go human if you want, and we all know it.” Luna frowned. “We are unsure that would be wise.” The little cricket chirped impatiently. “You would deny him the great honour of appreciating your beauty when he is a guest in your kingdom?” Luna glared at the insect. “He is now an employee of Our kingdom.” “Not yet, he starts in two days,” Jiminy pointed out. Luna intensified her glare, but Jiminy simply chirped happily. Luna sighed, and relented. The Princess seemed to phase out of existence for a moment, and when she returned Kevin let out a low whistle before letting his jaw drop a little. Luna was now a tall human woman, around six feet tall, in a flowing black gown and elegant looking silver slippers. She had long hair that was so black it looked blue when the light hit it, and there were small pinpoints of bright light that reminded Kevin of diamonds. Her eyes were a striking midnight blue with the same lights dancing inside them, and they promised a deep intelligence even as they spoke of fiery sensuality. Her lips were a contrast to her pearly white skin that almost seemed to glow from within. Her figure was full, but only a fool would call her large. “Thou art drooling Kevin.” Twilight walked over to the still stunned human, her hooves making a light clop-clop sound on the wooden floor, and helpfully closed his jaw. “I repeat, lucky little bugger,” Jiminy said in a somewhat smug tone. Kevin nodded dully as Luna phased out once more and returned as her normal pony self. “We are glad that thou find Us attractive Kevin, but We are uncomfortable with thou staring at Us so. We hope that thou will not mind Us returning to Our normal body.” Kevin shook his head. Jiminy piped up again. “Now, Luna, this primitive screwhead has a primitive brain. If he sees one of the Other, his mind will clock out and head back to Scotland.” “We understand,” Luna began, “and We have a solution. Thou will use thy magic to shield his mind.” “Of course,” the cricket responded, sarcasm oozing from his words. “Never mind the fact that I could do the job by myself, I’m stuck babysitting this thing. And here I thought the world might make sense for a minute.” Authors Notes And now you know why I tagged this as Dark. Lovecraft Lite, y'all.